90210: It’s My Party And I’ll Cry If I Want To

This week on 90210, actors and writers alike quickly spiral into the depths of inadequacy.

OK, kids. This week I got overtime to work and company to host so it may not be good…but then again, neither is this show.

WBHS. All of a sudden everyone on this show are friends and sitting at the same lunch table. Pregs announces her decision to keep the baby and raise it with Navid in the bonds of holy matrimony.

Naomi can’t sit back and not say anything. She can get behind Navid helping Pregs out, but not about the marriage thing. Pregs says that they love each other. Naomi points out that Annie and Ethan did too and now they hardly talk. Naomi wants her to think about all the life events that she’s going to miss out on. College parties, summer in Europe, love affair with a tall unshaven Italian man. You know, all the typical things that teenage girls experience. Ethan reminds Navid that he’ll miss out on things too. Dixon brings his own baggage into the discussion and asks them to reconsider adoption. Navid gets defensive. They’re ready and are going to be great parents. The happy couple leave angry.

Outside, Navid asks Pregs if she’s OK. She’s good. Well, he’s really good. In that case, she’s great. He wonders who needs friends or parents or a support system. Uh oh. Pregs isn’t doing as great as she thinks.

Kelly’s. Dixon apologizes to Silver for pressuring her to out herself as the video whore at school. He’s cool with however long it takes for her to be comfortable being recognized in public and just hanging out at Kelly’s. It’ll make going to prom a little difficult though. Silver squashes those plans before he can rent his tux. She can’t deal with West Bev kids. She senses his disappointment and tells him he’s making her feel guilty. Selfish prick. I mean, it’s not like she didn’t go with him to homecoming…oh right.

Chez Whitey. Chaz, Naomi’s dad, meets her for dinner. He assumes the Wilson’s kicked her out. He forgives her and says she can come home. How big of him. It’s not like your legally responsible for her or anything. Jen shows up. He’s surprised she’s in town and asks how school is going. She’s learning lots and has some time off (in the middle of the semester, apparently) so she thought she’d visit. He’s glad and tells her she can stay at the Beach House with them. “I’m glad I’m here too but, there’s no way on Earth I’m going to rally around some narcissistic freaky old sexual degenerate just because he happens to be my father and neither is Naomi.” Awww. Jen continues her Father of the Year speech and says that Naomi should get the first installment of her trust fund so that she doesn’t have to live with him and “Gayle”. Her quotes, not mine. But Naomi can’t sign a lease! No, but Jen can. They’ll live together and he’ll agree to it or else she’ll spill the beans on him and her tennis pro. He gives in. Naomi gets the money and they’ll play the role of the dutiful daughters. He leaves.

Naomi asks Jen if she really wants to live with her. Of course. Jen wouldn’t abandon her in her time of need. So, where does Naomi want to live? So many choices. The world is their oyster! I don’t know about oysters, but something definitely smells fishy.

WBHS Hallway. Pregs opens up her locker to find an invitation to her baby/bridal shower. Annie and Naomi appear. Naomi still thinks it’s a huge mistake but if she’s going to go through with it Pregs will need her friends’ support. Just to be clear, Naomi’s paying for it. Annie’s just providing the location. Annie pulls her aside and wonders what happened to having it at The Ivy. Naomi wanted Nobu Sushi and Sweet Lady Jane Pastries and with catering they can have it all!

Naomi walks to her car and is joined by Portia and her minion. Portia calls her dad a pervert. He’s not Naomi’s problem. She insults Portia’s mom by calling her a soap opera actress. Naomi gets to her car and notices that Portia and her friend’s car are parked really close to hers so that she can’t get in.

Peach Pit. The Pit is all dressed up for Cinco de Mayo. “Festive”. Matthews comes in to pick up his food order. Jen, who’s sitting at the bar, sees him and pulls out some kind of stick from her boot and tries to tap him on the shoulder, but the idiot turned and gets whacked in the eye. He realizes who it is and says that Naomi never mentioned how violent she was. Jen’s sorry and thinks he should get his eye checked out by a doctor. This one time, when she was living in Nice, her friend got hit in the eye with a champagne cork. His whole face collapsed thanks to a healthy coke habit.

So, Jen lived in Nice. She was there studying art history. He thought she was at Yale. She was actually on a semester abroad. Uh-huh. He’s impressed. She’s more impressed at the fact that he’s a teacher. Does he like his job? He does, but he’s really more of a writer. He hasn’t been published but he has written a novel. She’d love to read it. Maybe she’d like read it over dinner? She accepts.

Random Overpriced Store. Jen and Naomi shop. Naomi loves the store, she’s going to go berserk. Jen thinks they should. With the crazy stare of a crack addict, she says that she’s going to buy 40 things. They have to shop to celebrate finding their dream house. They haven’t gotten it, but it’s amazing. Jen grabs a blouse for Naomi to try on, but she can’t. Portia Ranson, Head Bitch of the Blendeds (aka The Pussycats) is there. I totally didn’t recognize Portia as a Pussycats. All skinny bitches look the same to me.

Jen heads over and introduces herself as Naomi’s sister. Portia’s sorry to hear that. Heh. Jen proposes that they rise above their parents’ differences and treat each other with respect. Portia thinks Naomi is a bitch and a slut. Touché. Jen doesn’t think Portia should talk about other women like that, especially her sister. She shouldn’t underestimate what Jen will do to protect her sister. She walks back to Naomi and tells her that Portia has a filthy mouth and doesn’t trust her sneaky ass.

Portia heads for the door and the alarm goes off. The security guard finds something in her purse. As he walks her to the back, past Jen and Naomi, Jen reminds her that she was told not to underestimate Jen.

Casa Wilson. Pregs arrives for her baby/bridal shower. Hugs from Annie and Silver. When the hell have Pregs and Silver ever hung out? Did I miss an episode or do I suppress the memories of this awful show faster than I thought? Anyways, Pregs notices her family and cousins (who are family) are there. Her Aunt Nancy gives her a hug. She’s there to represent since Constance couldn’t get out of work. She asks how Pregs has been doing, she’s been worried about her. Motherhood is the biggest job there is but she knows Pregs is up for it. Then why was she so worried? Naomi starts the party by putting a veil on Pregs and, wait for it, a “Baby on Board” sign on her belly.

Back Alley. Liam passes out ID cards to Ethan and his brand new friends Navid and Dixon. Ethan asks where he got the fake ID’s. Who said they were fake?

Rant: OK, I really hate how they are trying to make it seem like these people actually hang out together. We barely see them hanging out in pairs. The beauty of Original Flavor 90210 is that while they all dealt with their own problems, they all came together at the end of the week to enjoy a Mega-Burger at The Pit. This show has been so busy putting the characters in situations they’re 5 years too young for instead of just letting them hang out together and be kids.

Club 1940′s. The guys arrive at a burlesque club, complete with corsets and a jazz band. A waitress comes up to them with a tray of shots. Dixon grabs one as Navid points out that he doesn’t drink. Well tonight he does. Cheers.

Toilet Paper Bridal Gown Fashion Show. Becky, Geri Bonham-Carter, Adriana and Naomi walk the runway to the sounds of “I’m Too Sexy”. As to be expected, Naomi works it. The judges confer and Pregs wins. Naomi begins to protest but remembers it’s not about her…tonight. Up next, Blind Baby Food Taste Test.

Matthews’. Matthews sits by the pool writing his novel. He realizes what a dipshit he is and revises the title of his so far 5 page novel to An excerpt from The Vermilion Steed.

Club 1940′s. The guys watch the show, their dollar bills safely secure in their piggy banks and not in a nasty g-string. Dixon outs Navid’s virgin-ness. Liam is shocked to learn Navid is marrying a girl he didn’t knock up…probably because they met like 20 minutes ago. Ethan notices a group of sorority girls walk in. Liam thinks this could be Navid’s chance.

Two pledges come up to the table and ask to join the guys. Dixon quickly tells them he has a girlfriend and mumbles under his breath that she doesn’t act like one. Dixon is not a fun drunk. Liam offers them seats and sits the blond of the two next to Navid. She leans over and whispers in Navid’s ear that she’s pledging and would appreciate if he could act like she was telling him something dirty so that her Big Sis will think she did. He obliges. She thanks him. Her name is Isabel.

Casa Wilson. Alotta runs into Pregs in the hallway. She hasn’t slept in days and needs to talk to Pregs. She thinks she is making a terrible mistake. Neither Pregs nor Navid is ready to raise a baby. All lives involved will be ruined. Naomi calls Pregs back to the party. Alotta lets her go but begs her not to make this mistake.

Baño Wilson. Pregs walks in and gives herself a good look in the mirror. She grabs a prescription bottle that’s on the counter. Who’s bathroom is this? She puts the bottle down and starts looking in the medicine cabinet. Rude. She finds a bottle and downs a couple pills.

Club 1940′s. Dixon drunkenly complains about Silver. In more interesting news, Isabel can’t believe Navid is getting married. Her Big Sis comes up and tells her she’s up. Isabel refuses. Does she want to be a Pi Nu or what? Say “what”, trust me. She gets up and goes up on stage and starts the saddest striptease ever. Navid’s Captain Save-A-Ho senses start tingling when Isabel hesitates taking off her last layer of clothing. He jumps up on stage and starts dancing.

Matthews’. Jen’s impressed with Matthews’ culinary skills. She figures it’s hard work and why cook when you can live off your trust fund. It’s what I always say. She notices a Jonathan Saffron Foer book on the counter. Matthews asks if she hangs with him in Dubai. Actually, Dubai is “revolting”, but she does hang with him in Brooklyn. Light Bulb! She’ll send him Matthews’ novel! When can she read it? Soon. Totally soon. He offers her another glass of wine because alcohol kills brain cells. So maybe he can get rid of the ones that retain memories of his book.

Club 1940′s. Navid and Isabel finish their G rated dance. Isabel thanks him with a hug and by whispering in his ear that he shouldn’t get married. He shouldn’t? A quick peck on the cheek and she leaves.

Navid rushes over to the guys and tells them he needs to talk to Pregs. Ethan asks for the check. Dixon doesn’t want to leave and see his girlfriend. Liam offers to stay with him. Ulterior motive much? The check comes and Liam says it’s on Leo Briganti, the name on his fake ID, and pulls out Leo’s credit card.

Casa Wilson. Navid shows up and asks to talk to Pregs. Naomi thinks it’s a good time to toast the bride and groom. She reminds everyone that she thought the wedding was a bad idea but recently she’s been thinking a lot about family. Navid and Pregs are going to be a family and that’s huge. Even though she hates to admit it, she was wrong. Cheers!

Silver sneaks away and finds Ethan in the hallway. They seem awfully chummy. Hmmm. She asks about Dixon. He tells her about Dixon’s debauchery. She says it’s her fault; they haven’t been getting along. He’s “sorry” to hear that and offers her some advice. A couple is like two islands and the relationship is a bridge that connects the two. They both build the bridge and meet in the middle. But sometimes the islands are too far apart. It’s sad, but it happens, because sometimes it’s time to move on. Maybe he’s talking nonsense. She doesn’t think he is. She sees that she hasn’t been building her part of the bridge. Ethan looks disappointed.

Matthews’. Jen and Matthews take their date poolside. She had fun. He did too, so now’s as good a time as any to come clean about the novel. It’s cool, human beings lie, everyone does it. Matthews, look out! That red flag almost hit you in the face! He asks her what she’s lied about. Well, now that you ask, she doesn’t live off her trust fund. She spent a million dollars in two months. Amateur. They both laugh it off.

Casa Wilson. Annie takes out the trash and runs into Liam trying to help Dixon into the house. He sees Annie and pukes in the rose bushes. He could have also puked because he was drunk but why get into details. Annie blames Liam for Dixon’s impaired state. Why does she always think the worst of him? He asks how to get to Dixon’s room so that Annie can go back and enjoy the party. Yeah, like she totally wants to go back to a party for two deluded 16-year-olds who have decided to ruin their lives. Yeah, it’s not like you’re hosting said party, asshole.

So Liam calls Annie out on telling Naomi he asked her out. She tells him not to play her. He’s obviously trying to ruin his relationship with Naomi. Either he’s just not that into her and isn’t man enough to be honest about it or he is into her and isn’t man enough to handle it. Either way, he isn’t man enough, period.

Inside the house, Naomi sees them talking. She doesn’t see Dixon who is still hurling in the bushes.

Elsewhere, Navid finds Pregs alone and freaking out in a room. He tells her that he hasn’t been listening to all those kill-joys that have been telling them getting married is a mistake…until tonight. He tells her about the burlesque club and Isabel and how it got him thinking about all those things he’ll miss, like dating other people. But he’s so lucky he found her, he’s done looking. It’s not called looking if you’ve obsessed about the same girl for half your life, but whatevs.

Well, Navid, all of that is great but she can’t keep the baby. She tells him about Alotta’s visit, but it’s not the reason she changed her mind. It’s the drugs she took after Alotta’s left. He asks about the baby. It’s fine, she threw up after she realized what she did. It seems like he excuses her behavior by saying that she’s under a lot of stress. Umm, duh and her way of dealing with stress was taking drugs. “That’s not OK, that’s not good!” Yeah, no shit. She’s not ready, she wishes she was but she’s not.

Annie and Liam drop Dixon off on his bed, face up. Gee, I hope he doesn’t choke on his on vomit. She thanks him for helping her. He’s been thinking about Annie’s theory and he has one too. Maybe he’s just curious about her, about this good girl act she’s got going. She’s not a good girl, though, she’s a volcano. She’s dormant now, but there’s stuff percolating. When she can’t take it, she’ll explode and it’s going to be fantastic. Volcano is a little strong, more like a zit ready to pop.

Cocina Wilson. Naomi gets the baby cake ready. Silver thinks it’s a little macabre. I think Silver should shut up and practice her SAT words on her own time. Annie comes in and Naomi greets her with a “Hi!” and then slices the baby cake’s neck. Heh. She asks what Annie was doing upstairs. She tells them that Liam dropped Dixon off and adds that she’s sorry, but she just doesn’t like Liam. Naomi’s happy to hear this, but plays it off in that obvious Naomi way. She thinks he’ll come around. Maybe she’ll be the next to get married!

Silver goes up to Dixon’s room and finds him still passed out. She asks how he’s feeling. He thinks he shouldn’t have eaten that worm. She chooses now to ask his drunk ass to the prom.

Pregs’. Navid looks at all the gifts and wonders if they should return them or give back the money. She doesn’t think they have to deal with that now. They spoon on her bed. She asks if he’s OK. He’s sad. She is too. She realizes that they aren’t getting married. He thinks someday. It just doesn’t make sense now. She asks if she has to give back the ring. She doesn’t. It’s her “engagement to be engaged ring”. Are they OK? Ugh, so dramatic. He thinks they’ve been through a lot and are still together; they’re more than OK.

Beach. Jen and Naomi walk to their cult meeting yoga class. Naomi can’t believe Jen went out with Matthews. Yeah, it was neat. Oh, by the way, they got the house. Jen wanted to tell her yesterday but there seems to have been a problem with the money wire from her bank in Paris. The bank says it will take a week to fix and now she doesn’t know what to do. It’s not like she wants Naomi to use her own money. Naomi insists that Jen let her do this. Jen “reluctantly” agrees, but she’ll pay her back. Well played, Jen. Well played.

Fin.