90210: Not Much Has Changed. Except Everything.

Da-na-na-na, ba-na-na-na, ching ching! Can you hear it, Gasmi? The wail of the oh-so-90′s guitar reminding us all that America’s favorite zip code is BACK! Not mine though, mine is 80085 (which, incidentally, doesn’t exist) because it spells BOOBS on a calculator. But that’s neither here nor there, because we are here to discuss one thing: the NEW 90210! Thanks to the Cubs doing everything humanly possible to ruin my life, the premiere out here in Chi-town wasn’t on until MIDNIGHT, so to anyone who may have missed out on 2 hours of sheer awesome I will try to be thorough.

Let’s get down to business gang, because we’ve got a lot to cover. A drug scandal! Already! Lucille Bluth! Aunt Becky! Sex, lies, and video blogs! Borrowed porno-prop pigs! Lucille Bluth! And of course, the return of Kelly and Brenda!

Thanks to baseball, my first viewing of the premiere was over black coffee because I forgot to buy milk at the grocery store. Strike 1, 90210, watch your step. So imagine my surprise when the opening scenes are to none other than “Viva la Vida.” Of COURSE they opened with that. If a remake of The Golden Girls were to air tomorrow, it would probably open with Coldplay too for crizzakes. True story: I, too, fall in love with most of Coldplay’s new songs, but if I never hear this song again I can die happily knowing I was never reduced to mass murder.

Ahem, anyway, our story begins with the Wilson family driving in to California from Kansas. Token, err, Dixon- the Wilson’s adopted son, says for what I’m assuming the zillionth time “this sucks.” Aunt Becky, known here as Debbie, turns around and tells him to shut the F up because he’s been saying the same thing for 1500 miles. Dude, 1500 miles? Don’t minivans come with Eject buttons? He’s not even your kid!

You know what else sucks, kid? Being abandoned. Again. Keep quiet.

This supposed-to-be adorable family scene is pretty much a quick way of telling us a few things: dad is not funny and the new principal of West Beverly High, mom is Lori Laughlin and totally girl-crush worthy, they are moving to Beverly Hills to help their grandmother with something, their kids are Annie and Dixon, they are terrible at picking names, Annie is into plays and Dixon is adopted. Oh, and Annie has some MAJOR teeth.

They pull up to a big fancy house, which clashes wonderfully with their dirty minivan and they all get out of the car happily. The grandmother they are moving in with comes out to greet them and, Ahh Lucille, how I’ve missed you. With you on the show, it can do no wrong. Apparently Lucille was a big movie star, and Dixon whispers to Annie that he saw an old movie of hers on Showtime the other night. Oh, and she was naked in it. She always was a frisky little thing, wasn’t she? No worries, Dix, you’re not really related, it’s totally cool!

She blows past Debbie and embraces dad, who berates her for the Long Island Iced Tea she’s toting. Lay off, narc; she’s old, a former movie star, and haven’t you ever even seen Arrested Development?! The producers would be doing themselves a disservice if they tried to change her character at all, that woman is GOLD.

*** Confession: me + L. Bluth = madly in love ***

And your father is in Mexican jail. AGAIN.

That night, Dix and Annie are lounging by the pool talking about how weird it will be to go to a new school when Dix reminds Annie that she already knows someone; a guy named Ethan that she made out with a couple of summers ago. Poor Dixon, his adopted parents clearly didn’t love him enough to teach him about summer flings. A kiss, two years ago, means nada. Plus, how much would you all like to bet that this Ethan kid is 1) now gay, 2) the most popular kid in school and wants nothing to do with the out-of-towner, or 3) dating an uber bitch that will make Annie’s life hell?

Dixon laments the fact that he’ll have to tell “the whole adoption story again.” Annie tells him to get over it because it’s been 8 years. That’s it? Well, frankly, I’d like to hear the story myself. Here I thought it was going to parallel “I Love You Like Crazy Cakes,” and turns out it is much more “The O.C.” Regardless, Dixon tells Annie she’s hot and will have guys chasing after her, which is weird. Is the CW setting the scene for a little adopted brother/sister action?

Just tell them the plot of Annie. Who doesn’t love that movie?

The next morning is the big first day at school! Annie sees Ethan and goes over to say hi when, oopsie daisy, he’s a little busy. Busy getting a blow job. In his car. Parked outside of school. At 7 in the morning. Which begs the question, what kind of slor wants to walk around with man-part breath all day? The answer:

Audrina Patridge, apparently.

Dixon heads straight for the Journalism office and… WAIT. This whole story is starting to sound oddly familiar. Journalism? Plays? New kids? Must be my imagination. Moving on – Dix is greeted by the love child of Balky and one of my neighbors. His name is Navid and he knows everything about everyone. He tells Dixon, whom we learn is trying out for lacrosse (score 1 for the adopted boy!), to watch out for Ethan Ward.

Everyone quiets down for the news, which is being reported by Hannah Zuckerman Vasquez. I shake my fist at no one in particular before throwing my head back and groaning loudly. WHY, CW, WHY??? Andrea Zuckerman was the most annoying TV character EVER! I thought I was in a bad mood because I killed my tomatoes, but this is far worse. Strike 2, 90210.

Today in the news, ANDREA ZUCKERMAN WILL NEVER DIE.

In Annie’s first class of the day, an uggo boy named George makes fun of Annie and the dreamboat teacher who is bound to have an affair with one of the students calls out the whole class for being idiots. In walks Naomi, who I’m guesstimating is the Blair Waldorf of West Beverly. Some banter is exchanged between her, the teacher, and uggo George and ends with her telling George to keep his vagina clean. Hold the phone, can they say vagina on the CW? Color me surprised, this show is racy! Vagina!

I think they meant to spell her name Nomi.

Mr. Matthews (aka dreamboat teacher) tells Naomi to be Annie’s “Beverly buddy” for the week and informs her in front of the class that if she doesn’t hand in some paper by the next day she gets an F. Chill out, teach, she’s loaded! Rich, spoiled children don’t need to know things about books, thats what money is for! This is all very scintillating and all, but, are those computers at every desk? With really cool diagonal flat screen monitors? Blast! I knew it. I knew this show is going to make me feel like a dinosaur.

Daddy Principal and Kelly Taylor are walking down the hall and chatting. Turns out Kelly is now a guidance counselor. I guess that boutique went under after all. Well, Donna’s loss is your gain Kel. I mean, you’ve endured an eating disorder, a stalker, date rape, substance abuse, a cult, and countless terrible terrible outfits. Who better to mold the psyche of today’s high-school kids? Really though, it’s a good move. I should know, I just found out that when I was in third grade my favorite thing to do was see my psychiatrist.

Sad, but true.

After class, Annie catches up with Naomi and tells her not to worry about the Beverly Buddy thing. Naomi is uninterested until Annie mentions that the teacher was punishing her. Naomi goes on and on about her book report and I find myself wondering if she took speech lessons directly from Ellen Paige or if she just likes to ape her when, surprise surprise, she runs into her boyfriend in the hallway. Ethan! When introduced, Ethan and Annie give your standard “who, me? Yeah… I mean, no. Well… sort of. Wait, what?” While images of morning blow jobs dance through their heads.

Not a second too soon, Bangs Furtado comes walking by giving Ethan the out he needed. He introduces her to Annie and mentions she’s into plays. Turns out Bangs is the lead in the school musical. Snore!

Later, Ethan approaches Annie at her locker and asks her not to say anything because he’s “not that guy.” Not which guy, E? Not the guy who gets blow jobs in the parking lot before school? Oh, or not the guy who cheats on his girlfriend? We’ll never know the answer, because Naomi comes over and ruins everyone’s fun guessing game.

Out in the parking lot, a token long-haired skater boy walks over to Bangs and tells her he accidentally grabbed her book. After they exchange she opens it up to reveal a cut-out compartment filled with fun-colored pills. Ladies and gentlemen, our very first drug addiction of the season! That didn’t take long. What I’d like to know is, what exactly is she taking? Because I’m pretty sure the long red ones are suppositories.

You take the blue pill – the story ends, you wake up in your bed and believe whatever you want to believe. You take the red pill – you stay in Wonderland and I show you how deep the rabbit-hole goes.

Apparently Bangs is having some money trouble, because skater boy tells her she owes him $200 and wants it by tomorrow. True, the drug trade may be a perilous undertaking, but I just don’t think I would feel threatened by a 5’8″ skinny boy with shoulder length golden curls.

Annie is desperately trying to not look lonely as she eats fries solo on the steps when a foot steps on her notebook and asks where she got the sticker on it.

Some banter is exchanged regarding the band whose sticker is displayed on Annie’s notebook and we are introduced to Silver. Erin Silver, as in Kelly and David’s half sister. Now, I’m not a Punk-ologist, but judging by her black and white outfit of striped knee socks, a miniskirt, and tank top covered by vest and topped off with multicolored necklaces of plastic shapes, I’m guessing she’s the edgy one. Toss in the fact that she takes Annie’s fries out of her hands and sits down uninvited, Bad Ass Alert!

Note to Annie. Please never make this face again. EVER.

Annie and Silver are starting to chat when Naomi comes over and tells Naomi that she needs her pronto. Silver says something snappy to Naomi as they leave while Kelly comes by and steals a fry over her shoulder, giving a quick “hey sis!” OHHHH, so the last name Silver wasn’t just a coincidence? Thanks for clearing that up while simultaneously shoving the old cast down my throat, CW.

As Naomi and Annie walk away Naomi tells her that Silver has some creepy blog where she posts weird videos about people and to stay away from her. I guess what I need to know before I can pass judgement is, what kind of videos? Are we talking snuff films or Henry Lizardlover style artistry?

Because this I’d be totally cool with.

Anyway, Naomi tells Annie that Ethan talked all about how cool she was, so Naomi decided to extend an invitation to her sweet 16 that Friday. Score! But, they’ll have to go shopping to get the farm girl something to wear, natch. I mean, there’s no way a girl from Kansas owns a dress befitting of a Beverly Hills Sweet 16. Hell, I don’t even own a dress suitable for one of those.

In the principal’s office, Naomi’s parents are fighting for her right to party. Without having to do the paper, of course. Mr. Matthews is in there as well and remarks on what a spoiled brat Naomi is. Okay, I get it, Beverly Hills people are rich and their children privileged, but no way would I let one of my children’s teachers talk to me like that. I would wag my pointer finger in his face so many times he wouldn’t know what hit him. I’d probably even raise one eyebrow and purse my lips.

The conversation ends with Naomi’s mother saying something along the lines of this could have been our kid we’re fighting over before leaving. Yow, that’s gotta sting. I take it an ex-girlfriend?

Tea Leoni! What the hell are you doing here? Shouldn’t you be at home making sure David isn’t banging half of LA?

We are treated now to yet another installment of: it’s not a whole new show, just updated with new youngsters! Promise! This time with the introduction of the new and improved Peach Pit! Don’t worry though, Nat is still working there (sad) and desperately trying to figure out how to use those newfangled cappuccino machines that have been around for too long for it to be funny.

Dude. Sell a screenplay, or learn to dress sets. SOMETHING. You’re depressing me.

Naomi and Annie are enjoying lunch at the Pit and talking about boys and shopping. Naomi wishes Annie had let her buy her that $800 dress they saw. Wait… Naomi wanted to buy an $800 dress for Annie and she said no? Come on Kansas, I’d give multiple limbs for a friend like that!

Sadly, their fun times are interrupted when Naomi gets a text saying that she still has to write the paper for Mr. Matthews. I’m thinking a lap dance or strip tease is in order to get out of this pickle! No? Just me? Ah well. Anyway, Naomi flips out and says the thought of staring at a blank piece of paper all night is just maddening. Paper? Is that how your parents afford all these luxuries, by not springing for technology in the house? Strange.

Annie caves and tells her she can help because she got an A on the same paper. She says she’ll send Naomi the paper and she can just take some ideas from it. I smell plagiarism!

At the most intense lacrosse practice EVER, Dixon gets a chance to prove to himself that he’s good at something. Mr. Matthews is coaching and puts him in to see what he’s got. Needless to say he shows up everyone else and scores several times. Even Matthews mentions that the principals kid’s got some game. My only problem with this entire scene is that for some reason everyone failed to notice that he didn’t cradle ONCE.

Watch out Dix, being good at sports is bound to bite you in the ass. Case in point: uggo George, the team captain, no likey new kids. As the team is trotting off the field George checks Dix from behind. Now, no one likes a cheap shot more than me, especially if it involves glass bottles or crotches, but just let the new kid be good at something. He’s adopted; he’ll never make any friends otherwise!

I love you too. I wish we weren’t wearing these gd helmets.

At dinner that night, Lucille tells Dix that maybe if he had grabbed the guy’s jewels with a twist, he would have won. See? It’s like we’re one person, that Lucille and I. I guess he got kicked off or suspended from the team, but the principal says he’ll take care of it. I bet the principal wouldn’t be too willing to help out the adoptee if he saw what kind of moves he was putting on his daughter.

That’s right, I went there. Next we are treated to a scene with Dixon and Annie laying on a bed talking about blow jobs. To be fair, they’re talking specifically about Ethan’s, but that doesn’t make it any less weird. Seriously, the CW’s gunning for a make out. I’m more sure of this than I was of my untrained ability to cut my own hair in 7th grade. Which ultimately led to disaster, but since then I’ve fine-tuned my instincts.

Lower.

Across town at The Pit, Naomi, Bangs and Ethan are out for some drinks. Juicey-Juice, I’m sure, unless they’ve all been left back about 5 times, which I wouldn’t put past any of them. Except for Bangs maybe, she’s gonna be a STAH!

Anywho, Ethan offers to buy the first round but Naomi turns him down, saying it’s on her while flashing a whopping eighty dollars. Huh? Eighty dollars will barely get you one round of drinks and a lap dance; it surely won’t support three binge drinkers all night. Trust me, I know a thing or two about high-school drinkers. From… stories I’ve heard.

Adriana eyes the cash like my dogs eye kittens and its clear she’s going to steal it, especially after she gets a well-timed text message asking if she’s got the money yet. At the bar, Naomi bumps into Mr. Matthews – is this the only hangout in all of Beverly Hills? – and they do their song and dance about the paper and him being mean to her. In the end he tells the bartender not to serve her. This can’t be that big a blow though, because every teenager knows the old fill-a-flask-with-your-parents’-liquor-and-refill-their-bottle-with-water game.

Back in boring-town, Principal Dad opens the door to find Naomi’s mother on his porch with a bottle of wine. Surprise!

I thought I specified Asian…

After some uber obvious flirtation in front of Debbie, they get her to leave and head upstairs to check out Annie’s dress for the party. She’s looking wonderfully emaciated and Lucille remarks that you could crack on egg on her ass. No surprise there, Lucille, as the girl is literally skin and bone. The coccyx makes for a perfect egg-cracking protrusion when you don’t eat.

Over at the club, Ethan is spilling the beans about George and Dixon’s fight, which turns into a fight between them, I’m not sure why. He leaves and she runs after him, leaving Bangs the opportunity that she was looking for to snatch the purse. Here’s an idea, just pawn the humongous Chanel purse. That’ll surely bring in some bucks.

At school the next day, everyone is mooing at Annie. Oh beans, they must have found out about her moonlighting as a zoophile. Actually, what everyone’s referring to is Silver’s blog. Today’s special: a video of Annie and a cow, with Annie talking about being a back-stabbing bitch. I must have missed the scene where Annie slept with Silver’s boyfriend or keyed “loser” into her car. Silver tells Annie that Naomi is the antichrist, which makes me think there may be some bad blood there, and Annie totally comes back with a wicked cool return about how at least Naomi didn’t confirm everyone’s suspicions that she was actually dating a cow.

Oooooh. Burn. That poor cow must feel like a total chump right now.

In the principal’s office Ethan is being grilled over the fight that took place the day before. True to jock form, he lies through his teeth and blames it all on Dixon. Needless to say, principal dad is none too pleased. Dixon is kicked off the team and probably out of the family, too.

Dixon and Annie are mega bummed over this and Dixon says that because their dad played lacrosse, and he’s good at it, sometimes its like their really father and son. Aww, that’s sweet, but let’s not make that mistake again. Because you’re not.

Annie is having a tough day. She confronts Ethan in the hall for being a turd and lying about her brother, then she heads off to class where Naomi reads her paper aloud to the class. The only problem is, its Annie’s paper, verbatim. Snap? Annie is not cool with this, until Naomi tells her that because she was such a good friend, she went and bought her the dress that she loved. Aaaand things are cool again.

We’re treated now to a montage of Silver trying to make amends with Annie at play rehearsal while Dixon creepy stalks Ethan and Naomi. It’s both hilarious and weird. Dixon takes out his phone and texts Naomi “Ethan is cheating on you. You know it’s true!” Ohmigod, scandal! Although, I’m doubly creeped out now, how did he get Naomi’s phone number? Does Annie even has Naomi’s number yet? Has Dixon been skipping his Stalkers Anonymous meetings?

When Bangs is done belting out “Momma”, the teacher tells them its feeling a little thin and they need to thicken it up. Silver suggests they put Annie in, since she’s been singing along the whole time. Ooh, thanks, but putting Skeletor in would actually negate the whole thickening thing. Plus, just because she’s singing along on the side doesn’t mean homegirl can actually sing. Trust me kid, give up your dreams. I used to want to be a professional grilled cheese maker when I was three – imagine if I had tried to see that one through…

But, no one ever listens to Pach, and Annie joins in and blows them all away with a whole lot of spirit fingers and arm waving. She joins in the chorus and clearly her and Silver are friends again. The principal is waiting in the wings to ask why Naomi handed in her paper. See kids? Cheaters never prosper.

Get off my ass. Did you see my spirit fingers?

Naomi and Annie are sitting in the principals office and Naomi berates her for spilling the beans. They go back and forth and Annie is informed that she is no longer invited to the super sweet 16. If I were Naomi I’d be a little less worried about her crashing my party and a little more worried about THE EIGHT HUNDRED DOLLAR DRESS. SERIOUSLY.

Out in the parking lot of wonders, a few things happen. Ethan picks a fight with George over Dixon, woot, Silver formally apologizes to Annie for being a raging bitch via blog, coolness, and Ethan tells Annie that Dixon is back on the team as he drives away with an hurty face. Annie runs home to give the good news to Dixon and they are so excited they finally give in to their incestuous urges and make out.

Okay, they may not have made out. Actually, Dixon’s excitement is short-lived when he remembers the text message he sent Naomi that will end things between them. What to do, what to do? Crash Naomi’s party and come clean to everyone, of course!

At Naomi’s party, Annie and Dixon are telling Silver that they have to apologize to Ethan. Because even if they have already broken up, it’s still the right thing to do. Those Kansans, so honest.

Principal dad came to find Annie since she’s supposed to be grounded when he runs into Naomi’s mother, who informs him they need to talk. About their son. Their SON, whom Naomi was forced to give up for adoption after Harry BAILED. OH. MY. GOD. A true blood son! Finally! Who do we think it is? Navid? George? God I hope not.

Back in the party, Annie is informed that Naomi’s purse was stolen and therefore the dreaded text has not been read. Just as they are basking in the joy of not having to take responsibility for their actions, Bangs walks over to Naomi and gives her back her purse. Sans about two hundred dollars, I’m sure. She mentions that Nat found it at the Pit, you don’t say.

Just as the Naomi is introduced to the party for her and Ethan’s dance, she reads the message. She asks him about it while they twirl under the flashing lights and ultimately walks away to cry somewhere. Ethan takes off and Annie feels awful. Silver suggests they take off. Now, I’m not a Californiologist, but I have watched a lot of tv shows set there. And if they have taught me anything, its that when you’ve something on your mind, you head to the beach.

Silver and Annie are walking along the beach when…. DYLAN?!?!

YES! Oh, wait, it’s Ethan. Damn.

Annie apologizes profusely for ruining things with Naomi. Ethan tells her its cool, and she was right about him, he’s a totally different person. They ALMOST make out, and its all very cutesy and romantic. I’m giving them 2 episodes before they get together.

At casa de Taylor, Kelly is on the phone with someone when a giant mass of hair with a boy attached comes in saying “mommy, I can’t sleep.” No surprise there, considering mommy put you to sleep in jeans and Crocs. Kelly, they’re called jams and are cozy and soft and help children sleep, look into them.

So Kelly has a son, and she was on the phone with the father. Is it Brandon’s or Dylan’s? Find out, after the jump!

Ah, we’re past the jump aren’t we? Well we don’t know just yet, but what we do know is: the next morning, at breakfast, Annie comes down crying that her and her boyfriend broke up. Good thing, because I had completely forgotten that she had one.

Principal dad is telling Debbie about the son he just found out he had when he gets a phone call regarding the front hall of the school. Turns out a rival lacrosse team had trashed the hallway. Principal tells the team that under no circumstances are they to retaliate, which of course means they will, because wouldn’t you?

Ethan sees Naomi in the hallway and gives her a broken rose, saying it didn’t travel well. It looks like they’re trying to reconcile, which kind of ruins my prediction from earlier. Unless we get a secret love triangle going a la Kelly/Dylan/Brenda, which would make for some great tv…

I saw you on the internet with that cow and got a boner.

Annie is walking down the hall and begins to follow the sound of a shaky male voice singing into a classroom. The lead of the school musical is a dreamboat and Annie is a total hunkaholic. She nerds out and stutters about how she’s noticed him but he wouldn’t notice her because she’s just a chorus girl. He smiles, she swoons, and then he tells her he has to get back to practice. Another time, fair maiden.

In Mr. Matthew’s class, he’s talking about something-or-other when Bangs starts singing out of nowhere. Looks like those suppositories are kicking in. She looks all kinds of drugged out and Matthew’s asks if she’s okay. Uh, she was fine until you started killing her buzz, broseph. She tells him she has a big audition and is going to be a movie star so that she can pay the mortgage since her mom can’t. I’m sorry, am I supposed to feel bad for her? She’s the one spending all her (and Naomi’s) cash on drugs! Just say no, Bangs.

Lunch time! Naomi calls out Annie for crashing her party and Annie complements Naomi on her cool chinese symbol tramp stamp. Mr. Matthews tries desperately to woo Kelly Taylor in the lunch line, bargaining his sandwich if she’ll sit with him. She tells him to keep his pathetic sandwich and she’ll sit with him out of pity. In one of the more hilarious exchanges of the evening, he tells her she’s too easy and asks if anyone’s ever told her that. “Not lately,” she replies. COMIC GOLD, Kelly! Get it? She’s easy! As in a total whore, which explains the child she improperly cares for.

Shhh. Tomorrow we’ll get you a three piece suit to sleep in and you’ll feel better.

Across the room, Dixon approaches the lacrosse team only to have them stop talking as he nears. Oooh, burn, I bet they found out you were adopted. Actually, they’re discussing the retaliation but won’t include Dixon because he’s the principal’s son.

Annie and Silver are sitting together and while Silver talks about her awesome new blogisode, musical dreamboat walks by and totally crunches on Annie. Does she want to be crunched? OH Yeah. He, Ty, is the richest (and therefore most attractive) kid in school and asks Annie out to dinner after rehearsal that night. Score!

While Naomi rifles through her bag, a locked a creature from the black lagoon approaches her and tells Naomi how sorry she is. Rightfully confused, Naomi questions why this poor soul is even speaking to her. Lucretia shows her Silver’s new blogisode which, I must admit, was one of the funniest things I’ve seen in a while. The new video consisted of Naomi and Ethan going back and forth, with Naomi begging Ethan to stick around and Ethan just saying “I looove lacrosse” over and over again. HI-larious.

Hey, where’s the cow? It’s called consistency, Silver.

Naomi tries to keep a brave face on as she marches to Ethan and give him the slap of the century. It was a bona fide five-finger, and probably really hurt both Naomi’s hand and Ethan’s face. I was so enthralled I turned to my unassuming boyfriend and slapped him across the face as hard as I could with a huge smile on my face. He was none too happy.

Back at the Wilson house, Dixon and Navid are playing video games and talking about how badly Dix wants to fit in. He wants to come up with the best prank ever so they forget all about this ‘principal’s kid’ business. They brainstorm unsuccessfully for a while when Lucille comes in and gives them THE idea – apparently principal dad and his pals released 50 pigs on the football field of the rival school and the team had to play in poo. That is grossly amazing, the boys are sold.

Annie calls her mom to ask her permission for the date. Debbie’s a little tied up right now at one of last seasons ANTM photo shoots, so she makes a deal: Annie can go if she picks up grandma’s computer and drops it off at the shop for her. Dunzo! Oh, and she has to be home by 10, but that’s doable. Unless, of course, the restaurant you’re being taken to is in San Francisco. And did your date mention you’re flying there on his private jet? Cause you are.

Back on the ground, Mr. Matthews and Kelly are walking along and he asks her out to dinner. She drops the kid bomb and tells him he’s welcome to retract. No worries, he proclaims, I’ve no qualms with baggage! Slap him, Kelly! Slap him hard! Nevermind, I’ll just slap my boyfriend again! Somebody slap me! Whew, sorry, lost myself for a moment. Kelly certainly doesn’t consider her kid baggage.

How could he be? He’s only got one outfit, packing for trips must be a breeze.

On a fake farm movie set, Dixon and Navid are borrowing some pigs from Navid’s father. Who just so happens to be the biggest producer of adult movies ever and also just so happens to be currently working on Annie’s biopic. Pigs for everyone!

Okay all you original 90210 fans, it is your shining moment. At the Peach Pit, Nat refreshes Kelly’s coffee and Kelly tells him she’s meeting an old friend. Brenda comes up behind him and orders one of every deep fried item on the menu. Oh Brenda, you always were the hefty friend! They squeal and hug and pretend to be friends and Nat asks about Brandon. He’s great, he craves a mega-burger, and he wanted Brenda to tell Kelly she’s beautiful. And the child is Brandon’s! Yay!!!

In the school parking lot, Dixon and Navid finally get accepted by the cool kids when they show them the pigs. They have jersey’s number 1,2 and 4 that they are putting on their pigs. They’ll be looking for #3 all day! Way to stick it to the janitors, who have done nothing to you! I always did relate to the janitors.

Thanks to Ty’s stupid plane, Annie missed about 8 calls. No cell service in-flight? Some jet! Call me when you upgrade, loser. Sad news though, Lucille was in a car accident. What a way to get your kid to hold off on dating for a while. I’ll have to remember that for when I have my own children. “Oh, glad you had a good time, but because you didn’t answer your phone your cat died.” “Home a few minutes late, are we? Well in those few minutes your grandpa choked and you weren’t there to help him.”

Don’t worry, Lucille is fine. She even invited Lucille 2 over to help her with a speedy recovery. The two of them sit in bed and talk about Buster’s charlie browns when the rest of the family comes in to check up. Surprisingly enough, Lucille 2 is Ethan’s grandmother, and Ethan is there too! Annie and Ethan go and sit by the pool and chat about their brewing romance. They reminisce about a fair they went to and laugh at the pentapus they won and its all really cute. Am I the only one that is seriously starting to love Ethan?

Real teeth are for chumps.

In school the next day, the principal tells the lacrosse team that if someone doesn’t come forward by 1 pm, the whole season is off. Then he has Dixon in his office and tries to make him tell all. Oh the principal/dad/adopted boy struggle, its a doozy. In the end, Dixon takes all responsibility rather than give up any of his teammates. Yay! Oh, but he’s back off the team. Boo! But wait, there’s more – Navid and Ethan turn themselves in too, so he’s back ON the team! Is anyone else getting really tired of this?

Most boring storyline of the evening: Bangs go to her audition and leaves before they even call her in. Who cares? Mr. Matthews does, he asked her how it went in the hallway and she lied through her teeth. Snore.

When Annie gets home that day, mom is waiting for her and does not look happy. She found a matchbook from the restaurant in San Francisco and is more angry than she was at Uncle Jessie when he kissed his old high school girlfriend. It’s just like the time Brenda’s mom found her pregnancy test box in the trash! So many parallels!

At the Peach Pit, Naomi comes clean to Ethan about her hooking up with George to get back at him. She thought it would make Ethan come back to her, which doesn’t make any sense at all. Ethan ultimately decides that he cheated on her because he wanted out, and they break up. FINALLY.

Hoodie = drug addict. Brought to you by the CW.

Across town, Mr. Matthews (does he have a first name?) walks up to Kelly’s door with flowers in hand. When he sees a wine bottle, two empty glasses, a used condom, lace crotchless panties, and a passed out midget, he thinks twice and starts to leave. In the nick of time, Brenda comes out and informs him that ohmigosh, the panties and midget are just… umm… decorative… yeah! Then she tells him that Kelly’s headed to Paris for a few weeks and if he wants to maybe hang out she knows a certain shower room at the Beverly Hills Beach Club where they can totally hideout.

Okay that didn’t happen either, but Brenda tells Ryan (that’s it!) that she was just visiting and Kelly’s putting her son to bed. When Kelly comes down there’s some awkwardness, followed by Brenda suggesting they go grab some dessert and she’ll stay with Sammy.

It’s a glorious night, full of boys showing up on doorsteps. Ty shows up at Annie’s and tells her he forgot to give her a kiss. Just as he leans in, Ethan comes walking up with the pentapus in hand! Sad times! He sees the two making out and, crestfallen, heads home. Team Ethan!

I just don’t get why people think I’m a ho.

And that’s the game! My apologies for the late recap, the 2 hour-ness of this episode kind of kicked my ass. Recaps to be posted much sooner in the future!

So what did you all think? I am a sucker for high school drama and love interests that don’t get together right away (hello? Chuck and Blair?), so I am hooked. Tune in next week – maybe we’ll be treated to some more slaps!

Love and bagels,

Pach