90210: Naomi as the Raging Bull

Welcome back kids for another exciting installment of 90210! Episode 3 brings us lots of new goodies, including; countless TERRIBLE Naomi faces, more Ethan being adorable, Ty being adorable but I still like Ethan better, Debbie wishing her Beverly Hills family was more like Full House, and the glorious return of the devil (aka Kelly’s mom). Let’s just dive right in, shall we?

The episode kicks off with the Wilson family all scurrying about the dining room on their way to school/work. Dixon and Annie are tossing around food while Debbie tries to get them all to sit and have a nice family breakfast. Hate to break it to you Deb, but you’ve got two teenagers. Spending time with your parents in high school rivals being eaten alive by mole rats. Plus, I don’t think Annie can physically sit down in that skirt without flashing everyone the goods.

At school, Ethan approaches Naomi at her locker to see if things are cool. Naomi’s super, thanks for asking, and excuses herself after telling him how awesome her trip to Vegas with her father will be. Vegas with daddy dearest, eh? Sounds very Lifetime movie, if you ask me.

Across the hall Silver is late, again, and Kelly reminds her little sis that showering is a good way to keep the flies away, and brushing her hair can’t hurt with the boys either. Silver proclaims that the rundown look is all the rage these days, obvs.

Rundown? At School? Me? Dream on.

Mr. Matthews asks Kelly if Silver was given a late slip and calls her out on her nepotism. They share some snarks and he tells her they should discuss it over dinner. Yay cuteness!

In the lunchroom, Navid approaches the lacrosse table (who does he think he is?!) and asks the guys if they want to come to his house for an advanced screening of the new Bond movie. Umm, count me in! I wholeheartedly believe that if Daniel Craig and I were to find ourselves alone together, for any amount of time, I could convince him to marry me and live out his days gazing longingly into my eyes whilst reciting poetry dedicated to me. Anyway, the guys agree to it after making fun on Navid’s mom for a few minutes.

Elsewhere, Annie bumps into Ty and he asks if her parents are still mad he took her on a plane. Annie says they’ll get over it. Well, Annie, I hope for your sake they get over it now, because Ty wants them to go out the next night. Frankly I think this Ty kid is a little too needy for my liking. Red flags, Annie. Heed them.

At home that night, Debbie is STILL complaining about the family not spending that much time together anymore and the parents ultimately decide to make that Friday night “Family Night.” I don’t get it, don’t they know that Friday nights kick off the weekend? Can’t they have family night on a Sunday when everyone’s home anyway? Oh Will Smith, you had it right my friend; parents just don’t understand. (FYI: Will Smith is another celeb I feel strongly about. In his case I’m positive that we would be best friends if we hung out for an afternoon.)

So, Debbie and principal decide that Friday night, the whole family is putting on their Sunday best and headed to Lucky Strike to bowl! Hoorah!

Across town in the slums, Silver heads into a women’s shelter. Holy homeless, how did this happen? Inside she pleads with one of the workers to let her stay, just one more night. Grumpasaurus Rex tells her that they need the space for people who really need it, not bratty teenagers who don’t feel like going home. I can’t help but wonder, would it really be so bad if… no, I won’t finish that thought. I shan’t.

The next day at school, Naomi is still talking about Vegas and STILL wearing that hideous denim jumper (where does one even buy a one-piece denim anything?), Mr. Matthews and Kelly are still flirting, and Silver is still pseudo-homeless. She finds Kelly in the lunchroom and asks if she can sleep over under the guise of having a fun sister night. Oh, sorry sweetie, Kelly’s a little busy mackin’ it to your teacher. But hey, you can always sleep in your car!

Annie’s hanging out at her locker waiting for boys to approach her when Ethan does. Yay! He asks what she’s doing Friday night and she tells him she’s got a big date. Boo! Not just any date, a date with her whole family, and Ethan’s confidence is restored! They do their usually cutesy banter and who should show up to ruin it all but Ty. Ethan excuses himself awkwardly as Ty and Annie lament the fact that she can’t go to the pier with him. She not-so-subtly suggests he ‘accidentally’ meet her at the bowling alley after they’ve been there for a bit and she can take off with him. Man, being in Beverly Hills is turning her into one sneaky devil.

I just love smiling, smiling’s my favorite!

Oddly enough, Dixon is up to similar tom-foolery and tells Navid to bring the guys and happen upon he and his family at the bowling alley. Those Wilsons, always up to no good! As Dixon continues through the parking lot he spots Silver sitting on her car. He tells her to skedaddle, as its Friday afternoon and time to get wasted. Then he asks her on a date! Well, not actually, he asks what she’s doing that night and invites her along bowling with the family, so it’s a pseudo-date. But it really is the most adorable exchange, especially when Dixon flashes his bashful adopted boy smile!

Swoon!

On the richer side of the parking lot, Naomi is waiting for her dad to pick her up for the big Vegas trip. Don’t worry though; she has not yet changed out of the denim onesie. Two white Mercedes SUV’s pull up: one with Naomi’s mom and one with Naomi’s dad. Naomi immediately starts gushing about how excited she is and how the first thing she wants to do when she gets there is hit up a champagne room. Oops! Not so fast Naomi, dad’s got a “merger” in “jeopardy” and will be “stuck in the office” until he “fixes the mess”. In a total un-apology, he casually mentions that one of the Mercedes’ is her consolation prize and takes off.

That night the Wilson family pulls up to Lucky Strike and meets up with Silver first thing in the parking lot. The parents wonder whether family night was a good idea while Dixon flirts the pants off of Silver.

Across town, Kelly and Ryan are getting drinks and he is sticking his foot in the mouth repeatedly. He keeps hinting at wanting to meet her son (which is weird) and she continuously denies him (because it’s weird). Kelly confesses that the only man that her son has ever met is his father, and she hasn’t really dated anyone seriously. As it turns out, Kelly’s son was 100% conceived during a one-night stand. Brandon and Kelly reunited one night a few years back and, well, I don’t have to explain the rest to you, do I? Anywhoodle, my sources (Kelly) tell me (Ryan) that Brandon is trying to be a bigger part of baby accident’s life these days. Hold the phone… has it been confirmed that Jason Priestley is coming back?!?! Because that would make me one happy Pach.

Back at the bowling alley, dad is being a total cock block to Dixon by teaching Silver how to bowl. Annie and Dixon take off to get sodas and Debbie takes the opportunity to make Silver feel unwelcome. She assumes no one does family night in Beverly Hills. Silver, clearly having a blast and plotting to Single White Female Annie, tells her no, never. But she likes it, and wishes her mom would do something like this with her. You know, instead of wandering around the house drunk and muttering to herself. Which, frankly, is a good time. Will no one realize Silvers internal struggle and help the girl out?! She’s practically BEGGING for someone to let her sleep over!

Wanna hear something weird? I just happen to have a sleeping bag and change of clothes with me!

Dixon beckons Silver to the bar because everyone’s there and the ‘rents continue to bowl. Navid tries to rally for the movie but Dixon says they can’t just up and leave, they have to hang out for a little bit so dad and Deb don’t know what’s up. I’m so sure they are clueless as to why all their children’s friends happen to be at the same place that night. Oh well. Ethan says he’s up for some bowling and challenges Annie to a game. Loser takes off his/her pants and gives the winner a hug, my kind of game! In other news: I love Annie and Ethan!

Cue the totally un-sponsored footage of the kids having a grand old time bowling at Lucky Strike, complete with Ethan checking out Annie left and right. After the girls crush the guys, Ethan asks Annie if she wants to step outside for some air. He couldn’t be putting the moves on her, could he? YES! They go back and forth with a series of “umm, yeah. Awesome! Cool. Great, let’s go!” and head out.

Outside they start chatting about families and Ethan tells her that his parents are divorced. This is news to Annie because when she met him they were together. Ethan ultimately tells her that he’ll spare her all his emotional turmoil because he’s saving it for when he guest stars on The Hills. He tells Annie that he could be the next Spencer and I ask aloud “WHY?” Why would anyone WANT to be like Spencer?! I hate that man with the fire of a thousand suns, for realsies. Anyway, aside from the absolutely terrible conversation topic they go back and forth giggling and inching closer and closer until they’re practically kissing already just by talking when who should show up? Ty. Of course. It’s like the kids spidey-senses start tingling whenever Ethan is trying to cozy up to Annie. It’s getting old, writers. Real old.

Annie takes off with Ty and Ethan is once again alone and feeling dejected.

Biotch!

On the crazier side of town, Naomi and Adriana are in the new car bringing dinner to dear old dad at the office before heading to Lucky Strike. Adriana asks why they’re bringing him dinner at all. Yeah, why? I mean haven’t you ever even SEEN The O.C? Don’t you know what happens when you show up unannounced at your dad’s office after hours when he’s ‘working late’?

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again – no one ever listens to me. Naomi pulls up to dad office just as he and another woman (a redhead. The harlots are always redheads.) walk out and kiss.

Naomi, isn’t your mom blonde? Color me surprised!

Now, without going into too much detail because it really doesn’t deserve it, I’ll sum up the next few scenes for you. Naomi goes Carrie on everyone’s ass, only not really, she sits in her car crying and doesn’t say a word. Adriana completely overreacts and screams “I’m getting Ethan!” Inside, she tells Ethan that Naomi is totally freaking out in the parking lot because she saw her dad kissing another woman. Ruh roh! Code blue! Naomi’s slitting her wrists in the parking lot! Or smashing up her brand new car with a baseball bat! Seriously, everyone out to the parking lot STAT! Oops, false alarm, she’s still sitting in her car quietly sobbing. Although this whole thing does remind me of something… what could it be?

I’m soo excited! I’m soo excited!! I’m so… SCARED

Ethan consoles Naomi as Annie looks on. That’s what you get for being a tease, Annie. Oh, and she also gets a text from Ty saying he had to take off to make it to the concert. Double burn! Silver, on the other hand, is relieved that she can leech off the Wilson’s for a little bit longer and the girls catch up with Dixon and Navid for the movie.

As the night winds down, Ryan drops Kelly off after their date. She had a great time, and he goes off on yet another monologue about them dating and him meeting her son. Foot-in-mouth syndrome has proven fatal, Matthews, watch yourself. The ultimately make out and I must admit it’s kind of cute.

When the kids return from the movie with Silver in tow, mom and dad remind them that they still have chores to do. Can’t it wait until morning? They need to sleep off all the booze! Debbie asks Silver if she can call her mom for her (read: Silver. Get Out.) and Silver tells them that she’s already spoken to her so its all good. As the whole family heads inside for chores Silver sees herself out and looks so sad I half expected her to sneak upstairs and sleep in the linen closet.

Outside we see Dixon taking out the garbage when he notices Silvers car is still there. And she’s sleeping in it. They sit and talk and she tells him everything. Her mom is a raging alcoholic and is really mean, too. It’s sad, and Dixon hugs her, and I melt a little inside. He tells her that they have to tell his dad because he’ll know what to do and be able to help. Silver flips out and tries to leave but Dixon stops her. Umm, hello? He’s adopted for a reason! Namely, he’s been in terrible foster homes and has probably seen far worse than you have.

Well now that you’ve pulled the adoption card…

The parents keep their cool and tell Silver that as far as they’re concerned, she can stay until they figure it all out. Yay! Debbie looks worn out, probably because she finally realized that she will never be able to get rid of the girl.

The next morning Kelly and dad are having coffee waiting for the girls to wake up. Dad offers to talk to Kelly’s mom but Kelly declines. She’ll take care of this one. I got really excited at this point and truly think if they had played some super intense there’s-about-to-be-a-showdown music right then I would have wet myself.

At Naomi’s house, she confronts her mother and tells her what she saw, apologizing profusely. Turns out the mom knows all about her, she only comes into town every so often, and her and her father have too much together to let it come between them. I’ve got to hand it to her; she’s got a good handle on this. Naomi’s reaction and total lack of acting skills can be best summed up by another picture montage of her terrible, TERRIBLE faces.

I wonder how I can talk you out of ever making any of these faces again…

Enter Jackie Taylor! Drunk as ever. She tells Kelly that Silver has been staying at her friend Naomi’s house, no big! Kelly berates her for being a terrible mother to no avail. Silver comes in and their mother is not happy with her. Kelly tells her that Silver is coming with and mom pulls out all the single mom of a toddler stops. Silver tries to tell her mom how she feels and Jackie cuts her off with a resounding “Oh get out. I’m tired of both of you.”

No worries, gang, it all works out in the end, as we are treated to a cute scene with Kelly, Accident, and Silver in bed playing together. The Wilson family comes together as well over breakfast, and Annie and Dixon throw out ideas for the next family night. Yay family!

And that’s the show! What did you all think? If Annie and Ethan don’t get together soon I’m going to scream. At least get rid of Ty! And they are going to have to do something with Naomi because, frankly, I’m having a hard time looking at her when she’s trying to play serious. Sadly, Lucille was majorly lacking in this episode but it seems next week she’ll be around quite a bit. Oh and Kelly and Brenda throw down all over again! At first I thought they were doing a bit too much with the old cast but I actually like how they’re working the old show into the new. Thoughts?

Love and Big League Chew,
Pach