Annyong, Gasmii! I have a dirty secret to admit to you all this week. Don’t worry, it’s totally 90210 related. Here it goes…I actually liked this ep. Like, really liked it and not the way that you like something you hate. What’s wrong with me? I’m hoping it’s the cold I have this week. Like maybe my stuffed up nose is depleting my brain of oxygen and I’m delirious and it’s making me like things that used to piss me off!
The horror. THE HORROR!
Previously: Ethan crashes into Rhonda. (And not in the Dave Matthews Band way she wants.) Navid dumps Pregs. Naomi moves on up to a hotel apartment in the sky. Pregs announces her pregnancy to the school. Navid moves on to Nika. Silver cries her way back into Dixon’s arms. Ethan wants to experience life outside his bubble. Annie sucks…but you guys already knew that.
Room 112, Where Naomi Dwells. Her highness awakens and opens the door for room service. She slinks her way to the window and draws the curtain. She soaks up the view of the Capital Records building and the rest of Hollywood as Aaron, room service guy (what are those guys called anyway?), hands her a glass of orange juice.
Naomi signature walks through the hotel lobby. She’s handed the fashion section of the newspaper and told her car is ready by some hotel employees. Is this the kind of service every hotel guest receives or just the bitchy 16 year olds? I still want answers as to how a minor was able to rent a suite. Is it just the naivetÃ© that comes with not having money? Hmmm…tear.
She saunters over to the bar and notices there’s a new bar keep in town. “You’re not Robert.” Nope, New Guy has picked up the morning shift. “I hope you’re not disappointed, Naomi.” How does he know her name? Robert told him to expect her, although, he wasn’t expecting her. CHEESE!
Is your father a thief?
Some drunk, limey bastard harasses a young Latino employee with the worst Spanish accent since Marisa Tomei in The Perez Family. Limey threatens to call INS on our young accented friend. New Guy’s spidey senses tingle so he swoops in to save the day. Limey throws a punch that New Guy blocks with choreographed precision. Naomi eyes him hungrily and excuses herself to change her pantyliner.
WBHS. Dixon catches Silver in the act of buying him a Valentine’s rose. He says that her choice of red is good, it’ll bring out his eyes. His bloodshot eyes? She loves his eyes, she loves him, she loves saying it! Silver’s chemical balance is in overdrive this ep. She tells him that for the first time, she didn’t think Whitney Houston was a “sappy goober” when she heard her on the radio. I guess she was dealing with her mom’s crack problem to notice Whitney’s. She talk-sings the last lines of I Will Always Love You. Dixon, and America, think she’s the one that’s a sappy goober. He wonders about the mysterious V-day plans she’s made. She retains the mystery. Be afraid Dixon, be very afraid.
If this outfit isn’t a warning sign that she’s off her rocker, I just don’t know what is.
Next up, Anthan. He makes plans to pick her up at 8 for dinner before the dance. She can’t make it at 8 because the “Acting Intensive” she got into doesn’t get out until 9. Acting what? She whines that she didn’t tell him about it because it’s hard to talk to him about acting since he’s accused her of only talking about acting. He apologizes but cuts off her yapping when he sees Rhonda down the hall.
Silver pops up to ask what Rhonda’s deal is. Annie explains that Rhonthan talk about deep things and stuff, but if she hears about the life changing experience one more time she’ll run into a tree herself. Sounds like a promise to me! Annie wants Rhonda to get better/stop faking it so that Ethan won’t feel compelled to hang out with her so much. Oh Annie, maybe for once this IS about you?
Rhontan stroll up. Annie asks how she’s doing. A little achy, sometimes breaky, but better. Rhonda’s sorry couldn’t join them at the documentary last night. Ethan says it was good, all about how one moment can change something forever. Rhonda re-emphasizes the impact the accident had on her. Annie notes how it changed Ethan’s taste in movies. He clarifies that Rhonda meant changes on the inside. Annie was kidding. Awkwardness ensues. Rhonthan leave for class.
Sidenote: I want to mention Shenae’s choice of acting all hurt and victimy towards Ethan and how shitty it is and proclaim my wish for her to shut up. Thank you.
“As a friend, I think it’s my duty to advise you to lay off the spray tanner.”
Elsewhere, Pregs and her HUGE belly are at her locker while some future KEG house brothers discuss the paternity of the belly. Navid, with his arm around Nika, walks by and is asked by our frat guys who the baby daddy is. It’s quite possibly the whitest line reading of the words “baby daddy” ever in the history of white people on TV. That’s a lot of history, Gasmii. Navid doesn’t know, it could be anyone, no idea. Oh Navid, don’t make me take back what I said about you last week! He continues and states that she’s a mess and that he doesn’t know what he was thinking. Sigh. It’s all a pathetically tragic attempt to save face in front of Nika and the frat guys that totally backfires when Pregs walks by and overhears him. He looks nervously at Nika and claims it’s “no biggie”.
Class. Drama Nerd, who is almost too gay to function, hands out the V-day roses. Megan get one. Michael does to. One for Nika. And as Pregs stares at Nika in envy, gets one too. She opens the card and her smile fades.
“Taylor Zimmermann, two for you. Glenn Coco? FOUR for you, Glenn Coco! You go, Glenn Coco.”
Out in the hallway, we learn that it was a pity flower from the faculty. For a second Pregs thought it was a romantic gesture from someone, though she doesn’t know why it would be. She’s no one’s ideal Valentine. Naomi, good friend extraordinaire, tells Pregs that she looks great. “You have super boobage going on, crazy thick hair. That dewy glowy look that’s all the rage on the runway, you’ve got it. If I were going to the island of Lesbos, you’d be my pick.” It’s really these tender moments of friendship and female bonding that sets this show apart.
Rhonda walks out of class and finds Ethan waiting for her. It’s 30 minutes into lunch, isn’t he starving? Eh, what are a few hunger pains compared to all the pain and anguish he’s put her through. He owes her. The weight of her guilt is finally too much to take. She confesses to exaggerating her injuries in order to spend time with him. She thought that if she were better he’d have no reason to hang out with her. She apologizes for taking advantage of him. He forgives her. They are friends, they get each other. From now on, total honesty. Life is too short. Play hard!
“I told you, sports metaphors are lost on me.”
Cafeteria. Silver asks for Annie’s help in planning a unique Valentine’s date for her and Dixon. In tonight’s first display of Annie’s creativity, she suggests going to the dance. Strike one. Well, how about a romantic dinner? Silver thinks he’s been on one before. Yeah, but the LA scene is quite different from the all you can eat hot wings place in Kansas. But no where near as filling. Ball one. Annie gets up to get a drink and bumps into Naomi. They exchange “excuse you”s. Naomi’s is much more snottier than Annie’s. Strike two.
Pregs and Naomi sit to enjoy some delicious take out from the restaurant at the hotel. Naomi, not one to brag, has eaten at the most amazing places in the world but nothing beats the restaurant. Silver overhears their convo and gets an idea.
Actor’s Intensive. An extra performs a monologue on life, nothingness and what not. Rave reviews from the teacher. Annie’s turn. She’s going to do Fantine’s monologue from Les MisÃ©rables. The teacher likes her choice and notes that there’s lots of pain and anguish in the class tonight. I believe that pain and anguish is coming from tonight’s viewing audience. Annie begins and is quickly interrupted and instructed to reach into her own desperation. She continues and is again interrupted. “Go deeper.” She responds by talking louder. “Where is your soul?” He wants her to draw on a painful memory. She flustered. Her privileged small town life in Kansas has left her with no soul or painful memories. He thanks her and asks for a new victim.
Sorry Annie. Making yourself ugly, a good actress does not make.
Peace Pit. Annie bellyaches about something or other and Ethan asks her if everything’s OK. She doesn’t tell him about her class and instead tells him she just wants to put the worries of the world out of her head and enjoy V-day with her man…and Rhonda. Ethan apologizes, she’s there early. For what? Usurpers don’t break for lunch, Annie.
Hotel Restaurant. Silver’s trying to get a reservation for Valentine’s Day the morning of. The restaurant is booked, naturally, and her $10 bribe is denied. The maÃ®tre d’ answers an incoming call and takes down a reservation to Silver’s chagrin. He informs her that the restaurant reserves a handful of tables for hotel guests. Light bulb!
Peach Pit. Annie asks about Rhonthan’s plan for the day. They’re going shopping. For what? Rhonthan’s differing answers don’t sit well with Annie. Ethan fesses up that he asked Rhonda to help him pick out Annie’s gift. Annie wipes the sweat from her brow. She gets ready to leave and asks Rhonda if she’ll see her at the dance. Rhonda doesn’t do dances. She had a really bad experience. After minimal prodding, she lets us in on her back story. It’s basically the plot to Carrie expect no pig blood or fiery deaths. Some “mean girls” dared a guy to ask her to a dance and paid him $100 dollars when she showed up. It ends with Rhonda’s humiliation, the ingestion of sleeping pills and her subsequent arrival in Beverly Hills. Ethan and Rhonda are glad she opened up. Annie’s not pleased with Ethan’s hand on Rhonda’s.
Suite 112. (It’s actually Suite 723 but it’s not as catchy.) Silver knocks at Naomi’s door to ask for her help making a reservation. She wouldn’t normally ask but it’s Valentine’s Day and she’s not a hotel guest. “Valentine’s Day? A holiday you once referred to as the greeting card mafia’s stranglehold on the brainless and sentimental.” Man, none of Silver’s personalities are likable. She knows but she’s never been in love and she wants tonight to be perfect. Silver wrote a book report for Naomi when they were 12 and she never collected on the favor. Now she is. Naomi gives Silver a “WTF, Crack-head?” look but calls the front desk anyway. Silver squeals with glee and offers to buy her a drink for her troubles. Yeah, cause a 16-year-old who’s staying at the freaking W Hotel can’t buy her own soda.
Plus she already has a drink, idiot.
On their way out to sit by the pool, Naomi spots New Guy and suggests sitting at the bar. Naomi tells Silver not to mention the fact that they are in high school. She’s on it and starts talking loudly in an English accent about her work at the airline. New Guy comes over to take their order and we learn his name is Liam. Naomi asks Silver what was up with the accent. Silver rationalizes that English accents make people sound older. In what world? Crazylandia, of course! He tells them that he just moved to LA sans girlfriend. If he had one he wouldn’t be flirting with Naomi. Squeee!!!!
Pastry Shop. Pregs runs into Navid who apologizes for his douchery. He didn’t want to make Nika feel bad but instead hurt Pregs, which is the last thing he wanted to do, yet still accomplished quite well. Pregs understands, it’s a weird situation. Navid promises the next time anyone says anything he’ll shut them down “Navid style”, whatever that means. He brings up the dance that she’s not going to. She tells him she’s happy he met someone, he deserves to be normal and that’s just not where she’s at right now. She wishes him a happy V-day. Oh Pregs. Sad, alone and pregnant on Valentine’s Day. I would feel sorry for you if your predicament wasn’t a direct result of your drug induced choices.
Suite 112. Silver freaks out over her dress as she gets ready. Naomi lets her borrow some 5 inch hooker heels and is thanked with a hug. Naomi wants to know what Silver’s on and if she can have some. She’s taken a hit of love and sees the world through a hazy fog of joy. Naomi thinks it’s great and has liked spending time with her. Silver agrees and asks what she’s gonna do about hotel hottie, Liam. His shift is over, so not much. Silver, better at the whole creativity thing than Annie, suggests sending a bottle of champagne to his house with a note to meet her by the pool. Brills! Naomi makes another call to the front desk.
Those hooker shoes will go well with Silver’s wind-catcher earrings.
Actor’s Intensive. Teach recalls a story from his youth about his dad putting out a cigarette on his arm. So this is what happened to John Bender? Wuss. “So whenever I need to know what pain is, I have a reminder…did I stutter?” He calls up Annie and asks her to relate a story, something meaningful. She chooses
the episode to talk about her sweet 16 party and Naomi’s dastardly plan. Not quite cutting it. Bender Lite wants her to go deeper and share something painful, something you would only admit under peer pressure at a slumber party. She reaches deep and pulls out…Rhonda’s story and recites it word for word. Bender Lite thanks her. Annie’s tiny victory is short-lived when she sees Ethan standing at the door. D’oh! Strike two!
Annie runs after Ethan. He can’t believe she violated Rhonda’s privacy by using her experience as material for class. Annie tries to explain that she panicked. The teacher kept asking her to “go deeper” and then thought of Rhonda’s story. Ethan reminds Annie that it’s not a story, it’s her life. He can’t even look at her so he leaves.
IN YOUR FACE, ANNIE!
Restaurant. Dixon arrives and is wowed by Silver’s hideous 80′s throwback outfit. She told him she’d one up the dance. They’re at the best restaurant in the city and she ordered them a special dessert. He stares at her in awe. Easily impressed much there, Dixon?
Poolside. Naomi grabs a table and waits for Liam.
School Dance. Navid and Nika arrive. She’s never seen her parents make such a fuss over anyone like that. He thinks it’s the fact that their parents go to the same synagogue. I guess their synagogue has a laxed view on pornography. Nika thinks it has nothing to do with his pornographer dad, it’s all him.
Restaurant. Dixon thinks eating Becky’s food will be hard now that he’s had a taste of the good life. Ungrateful brat. The waitress comes by to take their dessert order. Silver tells her that she ordered the molten chocolate cake with the concierge. The waitress doesn’t have their order and, as luck would have it, they are all out of cake. Which is weird since Naomi mentioned earlier that they cook it during the meal. Hmmm. C-O-N-spiracy?
Silver freaks and starts yelling at the waitress to get them cake. Dixon, ignorer of obvious warning signs, asks her why she’s so upset. She wanted the night to be perfect and now, because there’s no chocolate cake, it’s ruined. I can totally relate. I find that frosted chocolate mini-donuts are an acceptable substitute. Dixon talks her off the ledge by telling her that it’s perfect because they’re together. Gag. He gives her his V-day gift, a silver ID bracelet with her name engraved in block letters. Cursive would have been better but she loves it anyway and they kiss. Silver gets another one of her brilliant ideas and says they should get a room. He agrees. Duh.
School Dance. Rhonda walks in looks around until she finds Ethan. She asks about Annie. He doesn’t know nor does he care. Harsh. Rhonda felt better after sharing her trauma with Anthan and decided that she could handle it. Annie calls Ethan’s cell and he ignores it. We cut to Annie, hysterical and crying to Ethan’s voicemail. She begs him to call. She’s ashamed of herself and asks for forgiveness. Then something else could have happened but I was busy reveling in her pain.
So were Rhonthan. Good times.
Hotel. Silver grabs a condom and hungrily turns toward Dixon. He asks if she’s sure she’s ready. She’s never been more ready for anything in her life. She pounces on him. Goodbye, Hymen! It was nice knowing ya!
Montage (Even Rocky Had A Montage). Nika and Navid enjoy the dance. Naomi sits alone, upset, waiting for Liam. Annie holds her phone, waiting for it to ring. Pregs turns on a old, black and white movie at home.
If loving her pain is wrong, I don’t want to be right.
School Dance. Ethan walks Rhonda to her car. She had a good time. Him too, it was just what he needed. She wishes him a good night and moves in for kiss. After a good 5 seconds, Ethan pulls away. “But you looked at me like that.” He told her to be honest so he should be honest with himself. He apologizes for giving her this mysterious look he didn’t know he gave her. She leaves, upset and possibly humiliated, but at least Annie has more pain to draw from, right?
Pregs’ House. Pregs sleeps surrounded by a pile of empty boxes of chocolates and wrappers. Navid and his hideous red skin tight pants walk in. He tells her she’s a mess. Whuh? She’s a mess, a recovering addict, pregnant and has, what he hopes, is chocolate smeared on her face. Bah. But he doesn’t care. Unlike Silxon, his night wasn’t perfect because he wasn’t with her. He asks her to be his Valentine. She accepts and they kiss. Oh Nika, we hardly knew ye.
Was I the only one that thought homie wasn’t wearing pants? Skinny jeans are just wrong.
WBHS. Silver is sucking the fillings out of Dixon’s molars. After worrying about missing class, Dixon gives in to hornyness and grabs her by the waist to pull her closer. She winces in pain. She’s a little sore. Damn, Dixon?! You got it like that? Actually, no. It’s from the tattoo she got on her hip bone of Dixon’s name. She wanted to get something permanent to symbolize their love. I guess a straight jacket is a little temporary.
Ethan’s at his locker. He looks to his right and sees Rhonda. A glance to his left and there’s Annie. It’s a good thing this is the only set of lockers in school. After expressing his disappointment with a glance, he walks away.
“So I guess it’s about time for that eating disorder…”
Class. Naomi is learning through yawning. Harry pops up (Hey Harry, I hardly even cared you were gone!) for a sec to introduce a new student, Liam Court aka New Guy aka Bartender at Naomi’s Hotel. He sits behind her. “You’re in high school?” Thanks to her she is. ??? His mom had to sign for the champagne she sent over. The jig is up. This sooo could have been avoided had SuperMom taken the time to enroll him herself, now couldn’t it? Naomi wonders how she was supposed to know about his secret identity. She thought he was older. Well, so did he.
Next…month? Next new ep isn’t until March 31?!?! That can’t be good.