90210: Shut Up & Drive, Drive, Drive

Aaand we’re back!!! Did ya miss it? Can you believe it’s been a month and a half since our last visit to the land of 90210? Just think of all the acting classes Shenae could have taken in that time! All the storylines the writers could have come up with for Lucille! All the new open mouthed facial expressions AnnaLynne could have practiced! Maybe they’ve figured out how to tie up those loose story ends. (Sean, anyone?) Oh, the possibilities! Speaking of possibilities…

Previously: A whole mess of stuff.

WBHS Hallway. Naomi approaches Liam at his locker. She apologizes for sending a bottle of champagne to his house getting him in trouble with his mom. She asks to start over and re-introduces herself. He grabs her arm and throws her against the lockers and starts sucking her face off. She, in return, breathes and moans loudly. Where is the hall monitor? Is this a sex dream? A cell phone rings and she tells him to turn it off. He starts pulling out phone after phone until he pulls out a banana.

Cut to Naomi answering her wake-up call. She hangs up and laughs maniacally. Oh, how I’ve missed you.

WBHS Real Life. Silxon hurriedly get dressed after a little between class delight in the Media Room. Nice. Let the virgins smell the stank. Dixon’s freaking out because someone could have walked in. Silver thinks they would have been jealous or impressed; maybe that janitor with the lazy eye would have gotten his rocks off. He is this century’s Tino? Dixon’s the principal’s son; he can’t be gettin’ his freak on in the school. Silver ranks the other public places they’ve fornicated and asks where he wants to do it next. He suggests a bed. A bed in a furniture store? A tanning bed? A bed of roses? Good thing he doesn’t mean any of those places because none of them sound too comfortable…or sanitary.

Ugh, Anthan. Annie follows Ethan in the parking lot trying desperately to converse with him about a pop quiz. He’s a good 4 feet in front of her and she asks him to wait up. “Is this ever gonna end?” Why, whatever do you mean, Annie? Ethan’s still mad at her despite her many apologies. Ethan feels like he doesn’t know her. When she was telling Rhonda’s story as her own, he was horrified, but impressed. Yes, suckage of that magnitude IS impressive. Anyways, she was so good that he doesn’t really know who the real Annie is. It makes him wonder who they are. Ethan is a woman.

Matthews’ Class. Blah, blah, blah, poems, blah, meaning, blah, blah. Bell rings. Silver spazzes out over the Lord Byron poem Matthews assigned her. Much like how she felt about Whitney Houston, she never really liked love poems before. She never got them, but now that she’s in love, she gets it. Matthews thinks she’s inspired and should lay off the crank coffee. She wants to weasel her way out of having to write a poem and show a film for her presentation instead. A film, she claims, will blow his mind. He thinks it sounds good and asks if she’s familiar with the equipment in the media room. Oh, yeah, she is. I wonder if wonder if there’s a sign-out sheet for Dixon’s penis?

Geometry Class. Liam walks in late. Naomi orgasms in her seat. The teacher asks him for the formula to calculate the volume of a triangular prism. He doesn’t know. He doesn’t know how to figure out the area of a rectangle either. Shouldn’t this assessment have taken place before he was placed in geometry instead of in front of the entire class? The teacher asks for a volunteer to help him catch up. Naomi’s hand shoots up; she could really use the extra credit.

Credits.

WBHS. Naomi and Pregs walk and talk. Naomi frets over the complete enigma that is Liam. Pregs mocks her about volunteering to be his tutor to win him over. What else was Naomi supposed to do? She has to get him to forgive her, it’s not like he’s Ethan and she can win him over with potstickers. (His food choices are as boring as his taste in women.) Naomi doesn’t know where Liam stands on the potsticker spectrum. More importantly, she doesn’t know where he stand on the duck lipped white girl spectrum. Pregs, seductress extraordinaire, asks if she’s googled him. Naomi’s all, “no doy”. He’s not even on MySpace OR Facebook. “Well, how does he super poke people?” LOL, Pregs. Don’t change.

The gossip girls are all over new guy, Liam. This guy named Josh says he’s in a gang. And Sally, That Girl, thinks Liam was involved in culinary activities of the meth kind. Naomi thinks Sally is full of it since she also claimed to go on a date with Rob Pattinson. I guess I’m supposed to know what a “Rob Pattinson” is but I’m kinda proud of the fact I don’t. Moving on. Naomi thinks she’ll find something out during their tutoring session but Liam, riddle-wrapped enigma that he is, has decided to speed off in his car.

Peach Pit. Dixon serves some customers as Silver shoves a camera in his face. She explains that the moment she decided to make the poem into a film the whole concept just came to her, scene by scene, shot by shot, psychotic episode by psychotic episode. He asks what’s next. She needs to re-fuel and she doesn’t mean with a Mega-Burger. You know what I talking about! Wink-wink, nudge-nudge. They skippity-skip to the storage room.

Casa Wilson. Becky and Harry talk about…really, it’s not important. What sort of is important, but not really considering who it is, is that they run into Annie in the kitchen when she’s supposed to be at rehearsal. She quit. It was a small part, not worth her time. Harry throws out “there are no small parts, just small actors”. Annie counters that the person who said that got the lead…or saw Shenae’s reel. Rimshot! It was easy, but necessary. The truth is Annie doesn’t think the play is good for her relationship with Ethan, which is her focus now. She leaves. Becky wants Harry to do something. She should be focusing on herself. She suggests grounding her, forbidding her to see Ethan. Really, Becky? No, not really but Becky feels that Annie’s making really bad “acting choices” and Harry refuses to do anything about it. See what I did there?

Sexytime Media Fun Room. Silver frantically works on her film poem. Matthews checks in on her. She great! This project has made her realize that she wants to be a filmmaker. Matthews think it’s better than blogging. Matthews, five words: The Mary Kay Letourneau Story. Silver asks for more of the allotted 10 minutes since, with major cuts, her video will be about 45 minutes long. “Are you out of your mind?” A simple no would suffice. She returns to her furious editing. Has no one noticed the complete 180 this girl’s personality has taken? There’s being intense and being fucking insane.

Casa Wilson. Dixon wakes in the early morning to find Silver standing over him. She’s going to rock his world. Oh Dixon, what’s it gonna take? Her burning down Lucille’s house?

Back from commercials, Dixon wonders what Silver’s doing. She reminds him he wanted to do it in a bed. Not the one down the hall from his parents, doofus. She tells him she finished her masterpiece and now she’s ready to celebrate with some extra quiet sex. He’s going to FREAK OUT when he sees the film. Looks like he’s freaking out now. She was having a hard time cutting it down to Matthews’ suggested 10 minutes but then realized it would be wasted on the plasma TV’s in their classroom. She’s decided to show it in a theater. Really? It’s that easy to just rent out a movie theater? What kind of allowance does Mel give her? He finally gets her to leave. Had Dixon not been in such a hurry to get her out of there he may have noticed the fact that this bitch be trippin’.

Cocina Wilson. Dixon wonders why it’s so hard to understand women. No offense Becky. None taken…because really nothing offensive was said. Dixon tells them about how Silver’s emotional and over the top. Becky thinks it’s a teenager thing. Harry thinks it’s a woman thing. Becky tells Harry the coffee maker he’s futzing with needs to be plugged in to work. He thanks her by telling Dixon that women are good with gadgets even if they’re crazy emotional. Excuse me?

The ‘rents aren’t going down without a subplot for themselves. Harry calls Becky out on her reaction to the Annie situation. What it really boils down to is that Becky feels she’s given up too much of her photography since the move. I thought she got a job soon after they moved? Lucille has a maid, so don’t tell me that Becky busy cleaning the house and doing laundry. Plus, the kids are driving now. I think they’re pretty self-sufficient. Harry never asked her to give up anything. “Somewhere there’s that elusive balance between family and career and right now that balance is a little bit off.” WTF? Who talks like that?! After that ridiculous bit of dialogue, they realize they missed Dixon grab a piece of paper and a pen, write a note, place it on the fridge and take off.

WBHS Hallway. Ethan apologizes to Rhonda for avoiding her but he wanted to sort things out in his head before talking to her. He helpfully reminds her that he has a girlfriend and that although they’re going through a tough time, they’re working it out. Rhonda is thrilled. He still wants to be her friend. Since it’s not really about what he wants, Rhonda kicks him to the curb. He can deny their connection but she can’t deny her feelings for him. No friend for you, Ethan!

Parking Lot. Liam finds Naomi and her books sprawled out on the hood of his car. Instead of telling her to get off before she dents the hood and ruins the paint job, he asks what she’s doing there. She’s there to tutor him, of course. He doesn’t need a tutor. She apologizes to him reciting the same speech from her sex dream, but instead of sexing her up on the hood of his car, he asks what she wants from him. Nothing, she’s just there to tutor him. He lets her proceed and she stumbles on explaining the different types of angles. Even though he’s not even looking at the paper, he interrupts her to correct her on the name of the next angle and recites the definition of supplementary angles. Like he said, he didn’t need a tutor, so get the hell off of his car. She convinces him to take her with him.

WBHS Hallway. Pregs tries to get Annie to not quit the play. Anne tells her the whole acting like someone else/usurping a classmate’s tragic story is getting to her. She needs to focus on being the Annie that Ethan fell in love with. It’s funny because both Annies are the ones America grew to hate. Annie tells Pregs they’re having problems. All stemming from the whole Night of the Valentine’s Dance Acting Massacre. Pregs heard. She tells Annie that Navid saw Rhonthan kissing in the parking lot. Navid is a gossipy little bitch. Plus there’s no way that could have been considered kissING.

Annie stomps over to Rhonda calling her out on making out with Ethan and how they are both hypocrites. What with their squawking about honesty and life changing experiences. Rhonda defends herself by telling Annie that she thought they weren’t together anymore. She goes on to say that Ethan told her about their problems and adds that as long as Annie and he were together, nothing could happen between him and Rhonda. Not really the way I remember the conversation, but the exaggerated hurt face Annie makes more than makes it OK. Annie thinks that means Rhonda’s ready to pounce. Rhonda denies this and gets why Annie feels the way she does, but really no es her problema. Annie should be talking to Ethan. I heard that!

Thinking “talk to Ethan” means “leave a voice mail message”, Annie tells Ethan’s voice mail that she heard about his Valentine and that she’s so angry she can’t even find words. It’s possible it’s because she couldn’t act them if she tried. She does muster up two before she hangs up, though, “liar” and “cheater”. I didn’t hear a break up in that message.

Annie tries to get Geri Bonham Carter to let her back in the play to no avail. Maybe next semester. Thanks for stopping by GBC. Smell ya later. Pregs walks over to console Annie. She’s being an awfully good friend to her this episode. Has pregnancy softened her tough shell? Some random guy calls Pregs “Juno” and invites them to Griffith Park, to possibly re-enact scenes from “Rebel Without a Cause”. Pregs has a date with Navid…that, I’m assuming ended up on the editing room floor. Where is he anyways? Annie accepts.

Weight Room. Ethan, all glisteny with sweat, finishes his reps and notices Annie’s voice mail.

Vista Theatre. Somehow, Silver was able to complete a 45 minute film, edit it, rent a theater AND make posters in a matter of, what, two days?! Only in America. Silver wonders where everyone is. Dixon reminds her that it was a last minute thing. Matthews walks in and Silver asks him to make an introduction before the movie. He agrees, despite never having seen it.

Undisclosed Road. Naomi asks Liam about dropping out of school. He’s obviously smart. I mean, he knew what a supplementary angle was and everything. Why not just go? School “bores” him. He likes to learn, but not on their terms. You see, he’s an autodidact. That means “self-taught”, but Naomi knew that. He’s also a dick. That means “penis”.

Thunder Road. Liam takes a look under the hood of his car and asks if Naomi’s scared since she’s holding on to her purse for dear life. Her purse is worth more than his car. He says it’s a V8 engine, 360 horsepower, 500 lbs of torque on tap. Which means bubkis to me. His fellow rebels without a clue arrive and he tells Naomi that he’s about to race them. It’s illegal so he’ll be calling her a cab. She’d rather go for a ride. The cab could have provided her with one but I guess this way she gets her jollies off and saves cab fare.

Vista Theatre. Matthews introduces Silver’s film to the 10′s of people in the audience. An audience Kelly was too busy to be part of. The movie, Love, begins with soft piano music and a close up of Silver’s eye as she narrates. “She walks in beauty, like the night, of cloudless climes and starry skies…” People seem to like it. The scenes intercut between her eye and her in a field with Dixon and a close-up of her lips saying “I love you”. Then intercut shots of her eye and a beating heart, the cuts get faster and the narration gets weirder. People start to not like it. People are fickle bitches. Silver and Dixon run into a supply closet of some kind as the music changes to rock and the action changes to sex. Dixon gets mad and walks out. Matthews shuts down the movie. A little too late if you ask me.

Thunder Road. Somehow my DVR switched over to a showing of The Fast and the Furious. Oh wait. The race begins. Naomi “God is my Co-Pilot” Clark, screams at Liam to “go faster” and to “floor it”. Is this what people yell out at a NASCAR event? I mean, cause really, that’s all the driver can do. She explodes with laughter. Liam wins. Naomi: “That was so fast!” That’s the idea. What’s next? Beer. She asks if they have wine spritzers. It was a joke.

Casa Wilson. Silver begs Dixon to listen to her. She honestly thought he would like the film. It was about their love, their connection. If Dixon’s like me, if it ain’t an internet connection then who gives a crap. He yells at her that she has no boundaries. She didn’t think she needed them, they’re in love! He tells her to stay away from him. She screeches that she will destroy the movie as long as he’s not mad at her. She loves him! “Are you out of your mind?!” Hmmm, where has she heard that before?

Thunder Road. Celebratory debauchery all around. Naomi tries to open a beer bottle sans bottle opener. Some greasy guy comes up and opens it with his teeth. He asks what he gets in return. I’d say a really expensive dentist bill. He introduces himself and grabs her arm and starts pushing up on her. Liam sees this and, like any gentleman would, comes over with a 2×4 and smashes the guy’s car window. They leave.

Casa Wilson. Harry gives Becky a camera lens to help her “find balance”. He tells her she is an amazing photographer and she needs to stick with it. She points out that he actually got her a video camera lens, but it’s beautiful nonetheless. Dixon comes in and violently grabs a drink from the fridge. They ask him if he’s alright. He’s OK but Becky’s soup is burning. It’s not, but that metal garbage can outside the kitchen door is! It’s filled with flames and Silver’s videos and movie posters.

Griffith Park. Annie and the Juno guy are lying together on picnic table. Much lame, flirtatious yammering. Ethan, accompanied by a sweet guitar riff, walks up and asks if Juno guy is having fun with his girlfriend. Annie is surprised that she still holds that title since Rhonda told her they were going through a rocky patch. What was Annie doing with that guy? Well, she was NOT kissing him. Yeah, but being some drama nerd’s prick tease to make Ethan jealous is so much better.

Ethan’s sorry he didn’t tell Annie about it. She wonders why he should bother being honest when he could just put her through hell and make her keep apologizing. She quit the play because she thought that to be the problem. It’s not, so what is? He doesn’t know. Neither wants to keep fighting. Ethan suggests ending it. They’ve grown apart. He did feel something for Rhonda but it’s not about her. He’s had girlfriends since he was 12 and just wants to be alone now to figure out who he is. Yes, because being a teenager isn’t the time to figure that out.

WBHS. Liam drives Naomi back to her car. She tells him he was right about it not being her scene. She goes to get out of the car and he grabs her and tries to swallow her face. They stop kissing and he leans over and opens her door. She gets out and he peels out of the parking lot.

High School Teacher Estates. Matthews leaves a message on Kelly’s about Silver’s movie. He opens his apartment door to find broken glass. A quick musical crescendo and the camera quickly cuts to Silver. She tells him she figured out what he was up to. How he never got over the blog post she wrote about him and how he set her up to make the movie. No really, it gets better. She claims he wanted revenge. She blames him for turning Dixon against her. She figured it out when Dixon asked if she was out of her mind…just like Matthews did the day before! A-HA! She thinks Matthews told Dixon lies about her to teach her a lesson. He tries to approach her and, with a scream, she throws a wine bottle at him. What does she want from him?

Fin.

Next week: Kelly back! And shit gets mad crazy, yo.