90210: Summer Lovin’ Happened So Fast

Just as I finally got the stench of season 1 off of me, they…pull…me…back…in! Mones here and I’m back…with a vengeance. It’s been a quiet, relaxing summer hiatus full of LOST re-runs, movie matinees and karaoke. It wasn’t until about 5 minutes before the show started that I began to care wonder what the new year will bring our cast of talentless hacks? Compelling drama? Believable story lines? New hairdos? The suspense is mildly irritating me. Welcome back to 90210.

Previously: Naomi liked Liam. Ethan kissed Silver. Navid was, is and forever will be, a virgin. Adriana gives her baby up to Anterias’ most loved offspring. Liam cheats on Naomi, who assumes it’s Annie, but is actually her sister. ¡Escandalo! Liam gets carried away to military school. Annie hits a bump in the road.

Beach. Naomi runs along the surf and connects lips with some greasy looking older guy, who kinda looks like a thinner Emeril Lagasse. Ew. The bell rings and awakens Naomi from her Lifetime Television for Women dreams. Silver, sporting a cute new bob eerily reminiscent of the one I got Tuesday after work, lets us know that summer school is over.

Silver runs into Dixon in the crowded hallway. They exchange awkward pleasantries and agree to meet at the end of summer party. Rager!

Naomi and Silver, who are now totally BFF like, for sure, run out and meet a long-haired, completely unrecognizable Adrianna. Seriously, I didn’t even figure out it was her until the next scene. Just how long is summer school anyways? Perhaps Silver donated her hair to Adrianna’s post-baby extension fund.

They drive up to Beverly Hills Beach Club v2.0. Naomi gets a text and giggles like herself an idiot. It’s from Jason, the old geezer from her wet dream. Whom, Adrianna tells us, she met at Barney’s. Sounds fascinating. Naomi is so excited to finally be going out with a real man. He has all his pubes and everything, you guys. Oh, yeah, and he totally reads books like, for fun. She swears that when she met him, a thrill went up her spine.

Julian, front desk guys extraordinaire, delivers a new script to Adrianna. Monica Lewinsky: A Movie Musical. Now that is something I can really sink my teeth into.

[Hold for laughter.]

Adrianna isn’t as excited as a normal, non-child bearing girl of 16 would be. Apparently, she’s done with acting. No more drama, on camera or off. Oh honey, talk to Mary J. Drugs, rehab, getting pregnant, giving it up, while entertaining to the rest of us, has really taken it out of her. So Borianna it is!

As the girls walk along the pool, Naomi’s future self, hereforto Future Naomi, makes a snide comment about their fashion choices. Easy! That’s my job. Present-day Naomi strikes back by inviting her to the big end-of-summer bash. OK? Future Naomi declines and adds that if it were up to her under 18′s wouldn’t be allowed in the club without their parents. (“Under 18′s”?) Well, if it were up to Present-day Naomi, over 50′s wouldn’t be allowed to wear sleeveless shirts. Meh. Score for Present-day Naomi, but she can do much better.

They dive into the pool and frolic. Borianna sees 2 women with their babies. She guesses she can’t just snap her fingers and become a normal teenager. It’s fine though, because she’s taking different choices. She’s not doing drugs and she’s taking her time with her relationship. Yeah, how courageous of her. Navid understands. What a hero. He knows she wants to wait and, therefore, he wants to wait too. It must be nice to be in a healthy relationship where both parties communicate and know where they stand with each other.

Mr. Understanding and Dixon pull up to the beach. The former announces that he is getting laid. Oh and, for emphasis, he revs the engine of his Lamborghini, or Maserati. You know, one of those fancy cars you choose when your playing MASH. Dixon thought Borianna wanted to wait. She did, but Navid is a horny virgin and all that sperm has clogged his brain. He asks Dixon for help planning a rosemantic night. Dixon suggests “tricking out” a cabana at the Beach Club. Roses, candles, non-alcoholic champagne, mixed-CD full of whiny white girl songs. Ohhhh yeah.

Back at the Beach Club, Silver whines to the girls about how Ethan has totally messed with her head. She doesn’t even know what she wants anymore. Borianna asks if she’s still going to talk to Dixon at the party. She is, but she doesn’t know what she’s going to say. She’s still going back and forth. Ethan, Dixon. Dixon, Ethan. Black guy, white guy. Boring, even more boring.

Naomi doesn’t know why Silver is hung up on high school boys. They know nothing about mature things like books, the benefits of showering everyday, and how to pleasure a woman. Jason has these hands, these big, meaty man hands that she can’t wait to have touching her body. Liam wishes he had those hands. Silver, and every ounce of my being, want her to keep that shit to herself.

Borianna asks about Liam, for the first time all summer I’m guessing. Silver heard he moved back to Long Island. Naomi can’t believe how long it took for her to get over him. You’d think her knowing he screwed Annie would do the trick. I would think Liam being shorter than her would do it. Silver points out that Naomi actually didn’t see Annie in bed with him. All she saw was her wrap. Circumstantial. Naomi overrules Silver on account of the fact that Annie called the cops and ratted out the party. Silver, somewhat hesitantly, agrees that Annie is a rat, but can’t believe that she’s a skank as well. Well, more importantly, Naomi does and will be sure to make Annie pay.

La Nueva Casa Wilson. Becky knocks on Annie’s door and asks if she wants to take a walk and check out the new neighborhood. Annie does not. Becky, lovingly asks what’s wrong only to be treated like shit on Annie’s shoe. Becky a) wears her hurt and disappointment like a weight on her shoulders and walks out the door or b) grabs that bitch by her hair and locks her in the closet until she learns to respect her. Sigh…maybe next time.

Once Becky leaves, Annie goes back to her laptop. She seems to be using the same search engine they use on Ghost Whisperer. She’s looking up information about the hit and run. The man she hit, John Doe, is in a coma.

Beach Club. Naomi squeals like a pig in heat when she sees Jason walking through the beach house. Pigly squeals turn into middle-aged frown lines when she sees him walking straight to his 2 kids and their mom, Future Naomi. Dun dun DUNNN!

Fancy new 2009 credits. Not a chin bump in sight.

Silver and Naomi, dressed in their tennis whites, head down to the courts. Naomi’s sure fire plan to get over Jason is to obsess over another middle-aged man, “Tennis Guy”. Their first objective is to hit some balls into Tennis Guy’s court, which is successfully achieved by almost getting him in the nuts. Heh, nuts. Tennis Guy brings over Naomi’s ball and there is some flirting and double entendre action. Tennis Guy starts at West Bev in Fall. What, as the new English teacher? This guy’s got crows feet already, for chrissakes. Borianna shows up and is excited to see Teddy, aka Tennis Guy, aka her old camp counselor boyfriend from summer camp.

La Nueva Casa Wilson. Harry serves up some BBQ burgers to the fam. He makes a toast to “to new beginnings”. Episode title alert! Annie asks if that’s a jab at her. Harry says, “No, but this is!” and then punches her in the ovaries. He goes on to points out that a new school year is starting, they have a new house and Lucille has a show in Vegas. Oh yeah, and none of her immediate family members are in a coma. Things are great! Becky asks if Annie will be attending the clambake at the beach and receives a snotty answer. Harry reminds her of the fact that she was the twatty tattle-tale that called the cops on the party. So, basically, deal with it. Annie gets a text alert and runs to check her computer. Looks like the unidentified man will have to sort things out with St. Peter now.

Beach Club. The girls walk and talk. Naomi can’t believe Tennis Guy is Teddy Montgomery, son of famous movie star, and, because of his previous relationship with Borianna, someone she can’t date. Oh well, the beach is ripe with hunks of beef. Speaking of meat, there’s Jason Lagasse. BAM!

Silver gets a text from Ethan.

Annie and Dixon pull up to a parking lot. Annie tells him something bad happened at prom, or rather, she did something bad. Dixon thinks he know what she’s talking about. He asks if she slept with Liam. He knows that she denied it before, but she can tell him the truth. Instead of shutting him up and just telling him about the accident, therefore nixing this already tired story line, she lets him keep talking. The more he talks the more offended she gets. The gist of it is he thinks she should just apologize to Naomi. She thinks he should screw himself. Game on.

Back at the Beach Club, Navid tries rent a cabana from Julian, front desk guy extraordinaire. Julian assures him it’s not a problem, his parents can just come in and sign for it. Looks like you have to be 18, or Dylan McKay, to get your own “cabangya”. Then again, Dylan didn’t need a cabana to have sex. Making out to “Damn, I Wish I Was Your Lover” by Sophie B. Hawkins? That’s a different story.

Dixon pulls up to the Beach Club with Annie in tow. She screams that he can’t leave her there. Oh yeah, bitch? Watch him. I like Dixon so much better when both testicles are descended, don’t you?

Naomi and Jason sneak away to Henry’s office to have a “fight”. She’s not talking to him, he’s married. Well, yes, in theory he is. In theory, communism works. In theory. But when he saw her at Barney’s (God, is that as ridiculous to anyone else as it is to me?), he had never felt like that before. It sent a thrill up in his pants his spine. Where have I heard that before? She almost gives in when she sees Annie walk by the window.

She runs out to confront Annie who reiterates that she didn’t sleep with Liam. Broken record much? Naomi tells her to get out of there and stay the hell away from her. In other words, keep doing what you were trying to do before Naomi ran out to confront you.

Jason runs out to see if she’s OK. She’s not. Look, Naomi may be a lot of things. Half-poodle, anorexic, nose-flarer, but she is NOT a cheating skank.

Back at the front desk, Dixon fakes a coughing fit. Navid asks Julian for some water and grabs some keys while he’s helping Dixon.

On his way to the Cabana of Love, Navid runs into Borianna and she introduces him to Teddy. Navid excuses himself and eyes the old friends suspiciously as they walk away.

Dixon and Silver chat and stroll along the beach. Dixon starts to ask if she wants to get back together and she rams her lips onto his. He replies by licking his lips and sucking on her bottom lip. I’m glad they talked it out.

Elsewhere on the beach, Annie leaves Dixon a message. Mark, Senior Stud, walks up and offers Annie a drink from his classy silver flask.

Back at the Beach Club everyone seems to be having a violent seizure. Oh wait, they’re dancing. Silver decides to stop insulting the art of dance by getting a drink. Teddy follows her and asks if the phone he found on the beach with a text from Ethan is hers.

Back on the beach, Borianna rubs her crotch against Navid’s. Yeah, waiting is so much easier when there’s just a layer of clothing between your genitals. Navid thinks they’ve mastered the whole “waiting thing” and is ready to move to step 2, “not waiting”. “We love each and I thought this would be a physical manifestation of our multifaceted, emotional, intellectual love.” Hey, now!!! Oddly enough, Borianna’s panties didn’t come flying off at that verbal manifestation of their multifaceted, emotional, intellectual love.

She explains to him that sex changes everything and not sleeping with him is already a big change for her. Before she would bang a guy right away and then it was sex in the morning, sex in the evening, sex at supper time. Borianna + Sex = Drama. She wants out of that equation. Is he mad?

Cabana of Love. On his way out, someone asks how he scored a cabana. Navid throws him the key. And would you look at that, it’s Mark and a flask guzzling Annie.

Inside, the deflowering of young Annie Wilson begins. Ladies and gentlemen, Whornnie.

Back at the Beach Club, Dixon asks Teddy if he’s seen Silver. Teddy thinks she’s off texting “that dude”, Ethan. He spills the beans on the text and the kiss. Ruh-roh. Dixon leaves.

Borianna strolls up as the butt dance song from So You Think You Can Dance plays. Is this really the kind of music that plays at high school parties nowadays? Whatever happened to “Ain’t No Fun (If the Homies Can’t Have None)”? Teddy pulls Borianna out to the dance floor to perform their award-winning, entirely inappropriate for summer school, routine.

Navid and Naomi pop up to judge their performance. I don’t think either of them will get a ticket to the Hot Tamale Train, though. Naomi laments that Teddy could be the answer to all of her problems if it weren’t for the fact that Borianna banged him. Otherwise, you know, she’d be all over it. Navid shouldn’t worry his pretty ethnic face though; it was a long time ago. Either way, Naomi can’t go there because Teddy was her first.

Elsewhere, Dixon marches determinedly towards Silver and breaks up with her. He suggests texting Ethan to cry about it. :*(

Inside, Future Naomi interrupts the gang to accuse Present-day Naomi of trashing her “cabaña”. She went to decorate it for her daughter’s birthday party and she found it newly sexed up. She inquires as to the owner of Exihibit A: one CD titled, “Sexxx Jamz”. Navid starts to get up to claim his property when Teddy swoops in and uses his rich boy charms on Future Naomi. He name-drops his father, Spence Montgomery, and it all becomes water under the bridge. Future Naomi leaves and the crowd applauds Teddy skillz. Borianna deems him “incredible”. Silver, on the other hand, comes up to him and tells him that he ruined her whole life. Teddy, I deem thee “douchey”.

Borianna and Naomi follow Silver out. She apologizes to the girls for not telling them about texting Ethan, but she was confused. Confused as to how it’s OK for her to have been considering Ethan when it’s not OK for Naomi to go after Teddy perhaps? But when she found out that Ethan was staying in Montana she was relieved. Because if it were Dixon, well, there’d be one less minority character on primetime, now would there.

I don’t care how much of a “Circus” it is, I’m not watching the new Melrose Place.

Back from a commercial break and we’re back at West Beverly. Naomi and Borianna run into Silver and ask how she’s doing. She’s great. You know why? Because she’s going to get Dixon back, that’s why! She’s not done. But do you know who is? That’s right, Dixon! You guys are getting good at this game.

The girls walk and talk down the hall. Naomi runs down a list of possible boy toys. Silver thinks she shouldn’t go from guy to guy like that and just slow down. Naomi can’t. She needs to focus on another guy to get her mind off of Liam. She’s not over him.

Well good thing she kept the home fire burning cause here he is! She turns and clomps away.

Whornnie drives up and Teddy pulls up right next to her. We get a shot of Teddy bumper and see that he was the driver that stopped to help the guy that Whornnie hit last ep.

On her way into school, she runs into Matt who gives her the cold shoulder. He walks over to his friends and brags about banging the principal’s daughter. And just in case they didn’t believe him, he has photographic evidence. But I’m sure it will only be used for good, not evil. This is high school after all. Which is why I wouldn’t worry about the fact that Naomi runs into Matt and his friends, sees the pic and texts it to her phone.

Silver and Borianna find Naomi and ask if she’s OK. Much better. Naomi has a feeling that it’s going to be their year.

Fin.