90210: Tell Me Lies, Tell Me Sweet Little Lies

This week on 90210, Borianna abuses, Annie loses and Dixon and Liam compete for the title of most annoying character. Which means it’s not Annie for once. In other news, Mones questions the existence of God.

Casa Wilson. Harry finds Dixon sulking playing some video game in his room. Good news! He was able to pull some strings and get Dixon back on the surf team. Dixon thanks him but, since he missed so many practices, he should suffer the consequences. Yeah, Harry so maybe “pulling some strings” isn’t the life lesson he needs to learn right now.

The real issue is that Dixon is mad at himself for fighting with Toothy instead of supporting her. He’s been trying to get a hold of her but she won’t answer or return his calls. Harry suggests that she’s trying to move on. Dixon insists it’s because she’s devastated. How is he supposed to just go surfing and be happy while she’s miserable?

Down in the kitchen, Harry shares his concerns to Becky. Becky continues with the completely idiotic theory that Dixon would be more miserable if he found out Toothy lied and manipulated him. She was right about the pregnancy, she’s right about this. Yeah, Becky, you’re on quite a winning streak.

Tropic of Cancer. In an ironic twist of fate, Silver hands Jackie some drugs. She goes over Jackie’s schedule for the next day. Jackie wonders when Silver got so organized. She’s always been organized. Remember the zoo field trip in the 5th grade? All the plays she stage managed for?

Can someone tell me the last time Jackie appeared on BH90210? When the hell did she get back on drugs again?

West Bev. Silver and Naomi chill in the quad talking about Jamie’s bulge…or something like that. Naomi wonders what time Silver’s half-birthday party is on Saturday. Oh yeah, remember that? Still stupid. With everything going on with Jackie, she’s decided not to have a party.

Speaking of party-poopers, here comes Borianna. She’s doing a lot better. She apologizes for being such a mess. Silver’s happy to see she’s doing well but has to take off. Borianna slowly asks Naomi how Silver’s doing? A question she would know the answer to if she wasn’t feeling so goddamn sorry for herself and getting high. Mom dying of cancer trumps break-up with skinny jean wearing nerd. Naomi breaks the tragic news about Silver’s half-birthday. They agree to get Silver a gift certificate for a massage but Borianna gave all her money to Jazz-Hands is short on money. Naomi hands her $150 to get drugs the gift certificate.

So no one’s going to notice her slurred speech, huh? Alright…

Liam catches up to Matthews in the hall. He tells him he didn’t hit on Jen and adds that she’s a psychotic bitch. I guess for good measure. Nice. Matthews doesn’t want to hear it. Maybe Papa John was right about Liam, he is a bad seed.

Liam angrily heads over to his locker. Straw-Hat pops up to share a delightful anecdote about being dared to eat 10 butter packets. Such a lady. Liam’s not in the mood. She senses his bubbling rage and asks what’s wrong. He tells her to back off; she’s not his girlfriend.

Elsewhere, Naomi tries to convince Silver to have her party. Not because she deserves to celebrate but because Naomi got this hot dress. Simi pops up and is filled in on the half-birthday stupidness. Naomi leaves to meet Jamie but tells Silver to think about it. “My dress is…picture lots of cleavage, excellent ass. It’s amazing.” Bye Naomi, we’ll miss you.

Simi doesn’t quite peg Silver as the half-birthday type. (God, I can’t wait to stop typing that.) So the behind the music on the half-birthdays is this: For Silver’s 10th birthday she invited all her friends over for backyard camping extravaganza. On the day of, Jackie got trashed and she had to cancel. It wasn’t the first time, but it was the last straw. She then decided to give up on birthdays. “Too many expectations.” Simi wonders about the half-birthdays. She claims that if you don’t high expectations you can’t get let down. OK. But you’re still celebrating your birthday in some way. You just moved it 6 months later?

Simi jokes about what to get someone for their stupid half-birthday. I have to admit I kinda like this pairing. Jessica Stroup is arguably the best actress on this shit-fest and Trevor Donovan works well off of her. I hope they don’t rush them into a relationship and ruin everything. Speaking of ruining everything, Silver notices Borianna staring at them from across the hall.

AV Room. Navid watches some horror movie starring Rumer Willis on the computer. Oh wait; he’s editing her news piece about teen drug use. Jazz-Hands pops in to ask why Navid would tell Annie he’s a drug dealer. Navid heard it from a friend of a friend. Jazz-Hands assumes he didn’t talk to the friend’s friend. Navid stupidly tells him he didn’t. Well, according to Jazz-Hands, if he did he would know it wasn’t true. Too bad there’s no way of asking that friend now.

Jazz wishes he got the same respect Navid gives his stories by checking his sources. Before he leaves, Jazz gives him the old guilt/threat 1-2 punch. He’s not a drug dealer. He’s just a guy with no friends standing in front of another guy asking him to believe he’s not a drug dealer.

Annie meets up with our misunderstood loner in the parking lot. He’s got good news. He showed his movie to his dad, aka producer of soulless big budget movies. He liked it. He liked it so much he got her an audition for a small part in a new Shia LaBeouf movie he’s producing! The lowering of Annie’s panties has begun.

Cafeteria. Straw-Hat joins the rest of the Stooges in the lunch line. And by join I mean she’s cut in front of the nerds behind them. She asks about Liam. Simi doesn’t know where he is but he bit his head off earlier. She wonders if any of them asked him what’s wrong. Dixon offers that Liam is not the type of guy who talks about his feelings. Straw-Hat thinks something may be really wrong with Liam. How sad that his so-called friends could care less. OK, so now she notices they’re all selfish bastards?

Outside, Silver rambles on about the Santa Ana’s to Borianna. She apologizes for boring her. I think Borianna’s the one who should be apologizing to everyone for being boring, don’t you? Silver knows Borianna saw her with Simi and explains their burgeoning friendship to her. If she doesn’t want Silver to talk to Simi she won’t. No need, Borianna understands. Her understanding is starting to wear off a little and she excuses herself to go to the bathroom.

Borianna finds the darkest bathroom in the school and checks the stalls. She then proceeds to take some pills in plain view of anyone who decided to walk in at that moment.

Tropic of Cancer. Silver argues with a doctor’s office on the phone. Simi pays a friendly visit to drop off her homework and a cup of coffee. She’s stressed because she needs to go pick up some paperwork for her mom but the nurse had a family emergency and now she can’t. Simi volunteers, but Silver has to sign for them, so he volunteers to stay with Jackie. That’s sweet. The writers are totally going to mess this up.

West Bev. What time is it? I really wish they had a 24-style counter on this show. Dixon cries about Toothy. Navid’s really sorry about all that but he’s got bigger fish to fry when he see Jazz-Hands walk across the parking lot to Borianna’s car.

Borianna wants the same pills he gave her before but she’s low on money. She asks for $20 worth and will buy the rest later. He doesn’t do things that way. Buy in bulk or nothing at all. Kinda like Costco. So she pulls out Silver’s gift certificate money. Did I even need to type that?

Navid sees Jazz get out of the car with a wad of cash. Oddly, neither Jazz nor Borianna see our beloved Persian beanpole staring at them from 10 feet away.

Tropic of Cancer. Silver comes back to find Simi and Jackie in the middle of a mean game of cards. Laughter and smiles all around.

Across town, Borianna lays comatose on her bed.

She perks up a bit, as much and the downers will let her, when she gets a call from Navid…who’s calling from school. Has anyone ever noticed homie is never at home? Just sayin’. He cuts to the chase and tells her he saw her buy drugs. She denies it, of course, and uses the old “whatever you think you saw was wrong” line. She reminds him that she’s not her problem anymore and hangs up on him.

And it’s Navid to the rescue…again.

Casa Wilson. Dixon heads out to go see Toothy. Harry, Becky and everyone watching this show think it’s not a great idea. Dixon has to apologize for being a jerk and let her know that he’s there for her. Realizing that he’s not going to get over it, Becky finally comes clean about Toothy lying about the pregnancy. She just didn’t want Dixon to get his heart broken and not trust woman. Like a spoiled fucking little baby he tells her he knows one woman he can’t trust.

I have so many issues with this storyline the first being Becky’s reasoning for not telling him about Toothy. It reaches Liam deleting his recording of Jen levels of stupidity. The second, Dixon is a minor. A MINOR! His relationship with Toothy was not only wrong, but also illegal. That’s a good enough reason to keep him from seeing her instead of waiting for him to get over it. Lastly, he was already broken up with her when she told him she was pregnant. He didn’t want to be with her before or after he found out and even wanted her to get an abortion. Now he wants to be there for her?! UGH! It’s called not pissing me off consistency.

House of Jazz. The happy couple rehearse for Annie’s audition. She’s incredible, beautiful, talented, soulful. HA! He’s a comedian. Who knew? He can’t believe how lucky he is to have found her. She blurts out that she loves him. She apologizes when he doesn’t respond right away. He creepily responds that he wanted to say it first. Creepy turns her on, I guess.

West Bev. Navid tells Jazz he saw him selling drugs to Borianna. SHe denies it, of course, and uses the old “whatever you think you saw was wrong” line. Whoa. Déjà vu.

Navid saw the big wad of cash Jazz was waiving around after he got out. Lunch money. She was paying him back. Navid tells him to stay away from her. Jazz wonders what would happen if he doesn’t. If Jazz were a drug dealer, he’s not the kind of guy Navid would want to mess with.

Beach. Liam spots some butthole surfers out on the water and announces to Straw-Hat and Simi that they better not mess with them. Ooooh, tough guy. Simi tells him to chill and asks what’s wrong. Liam gives the typical Liam response, monosyllabic and caveman type grutns. I wonder if Liam has ever heard of the term “self-fulfilling prophecy”?

Tropic of Cancer. Silver comes home to a quiet house. Jackie calls her to the other room that’s been decorated for an astronaut themed birthday party. Jackie’s decided to make up for all of the birthdays she missed. Astronaut party is age 7. Jackie hands Silver a fish bowl space hat and offers her some Tang. But wait, there’s more!

Jackie turns on a huge boom box. It’s Silver’s 12th birthday when she was obsessed with the 80′s. Really? I would think the 80′s was one of those decades where you just had to be there. Or is that the 90′s? Silver asks how she did it all. The nurses helped, but the biggest help was Simi. He and some set designer friends of his dad’s came over and decorated. Silver (and I) is touched.

Casa Wilson. Becky apologizes to Dixon. Her intentions were good, but she was wrong. He starts to head to the door. Becky runs after him. Harry tries to get him to talk to her. Dixon’s not so interested in hearing it. It’s not like Becky’s his real mom.

OH HELL NO!!!

Tropic of Cancer. Jackie and Silver have moved on to the camping party birthday and are roasting marshmallows. Mmmm…when’s my pizza gonna get here? What? Oh, birthdays.

Silver wanted a camping party because there’s always a scary camping scene in a good horror movie. Jackie wonders where her love of being terrorized came from. It was Silver’s escape. I guess being scared shitless makes you forget about all your problems. Jackie realizes she was the cause of those problems. She apologizes even though it doesn’t make up for anything. Silver thinks it does, the apology, the decorations, everything. She was worried that Jackie would die and she’d have nothing good to hold on to. Now she does. Tears and hugs. Jackie tells her tomorrow night’s the real party. She’ll finally get to celebrate Silver’s half birthday…uh oh.

Beach. Simi finds Dixon all suited up. You see Dixon gets alerts on his phone with surfing conditions, plus he needed to get out of the house. Simi asks if he’s OK and Dixon tells him about Toothy…but doesn’t mention being mad a Becky. Hmm. He wishes there was an alert for crazy girls. It’s called common sense. Shut up.

Down the beach, Liam picks a fight with one of the butthole surfers. The gang breaks it up. Dixon and Simi try to figure out what’s wrong with Liam. So he tries to start a fight with Simi. It quickly turns into an intervention to find out why Liam is such an angry idiot. He gives in and tells them about Jen. Simi refers to her as the “super hot amazon chick” and my eyes get stuck from rolling them too far back into my head.

OK, they’re unstuck now. Liam tells them everything, including the details of their prom night rendezvous. Dixon’s surprised that it wasn’t Annie. Just as I’m about to scream out that Liam already told you it wasn’t, Liam tells him the same. God, Dixon’s an idiot. Anyways, the point of the story is that the gang’s all gonna help Liam take Jen down. Good, maybe now this lame ass storyline can be over.

House of Jazz. Jazz-Hands storyboards his “movie”. We get a sequence of shots of drawings of Annie walking into the ocean and then we end on this:

Annie arrives. She didn’t get the part. Jazz reassures her with the story of how Clark Gable lost the role of Tarzan to Johnny Weissmuller. He tells her she’s talented and that she’s a star, correction, old-fashioned star. She’s also vulnerable, yet strong. Innocent, yet wise. A virgin, yet really dumb.

She tells him she wants him to be the first. Without missing a beat, he asks if she’s sure. She is. Then she proceeds to make these faces and she undresses:

Beach. Liam apologizes to Straw-Hat for yelling at her about not being his girlfriend. He knows that she doesn’t think she is. Yeah, totally they’re just having fun. Don’t let the hurt look on her face fool you! He invites her to dinner but she declines. Throwing pride to the wind, she re-thinks the offer and accepts.

West Bev. Navid searches for info on Jazz-Hands online. No really, Navid, go home. Motherfucking Rumer Willis in a tight flannel, cut-off shorts and white suspenders tells him that her drug-taking friend, Jenny, won’t help them. Navid’s determined to find a way to prove Jazz is a drug dealer.

Casa Wilson. Annie and Jazz exchange lovey-dovey texts. Shouldn’t she be jumping up and down? I don’t want another pregnancy scare storyline. Dixon knocks on her door. He’s there to apologize, presumably about not believing Annie about the whole prom night thing. She interrupts him, though, and asks if it’s about calling Jazz sketchy. It’s not, but maybe you should let him finish. Rude. She’s not surprised, nor does she even care what Dixon thinks. He clearly doesn’t have a good read on people. She throws Toothy and the false pregnancy in his face and he tells her to go to hell.

Beach Club. A spastic Borianna finds Naomi at the bar. She gives her this lame story about being robbed in front of the spa. “He” took everything, her purse, credit cards, money for Silver’s gift…Naomi doesn’t care about the money, she just cares about Borianna. Did she call the police? She did, but because it’s a lie she didn’t get a good look at him so they can’t do anything. At least she didn’t say the robber was Latino. She turns on the waterworks and gets a sympathetic hug from Naomi.

Over at Casa Wilson, Becky watches Dixon sleep and cries.

The next morning, Silver is woken up by a call from Simi. He wanted to be the first to wish her a happy half-birthday. She thanks him for everything. The Last night with her mom was perfect.

She goes over to wake up Jackie…who’s unresponsive.

Fin.