90210: This Is No Ordinary Love, No Ordinary Love

Remember 2009, the last time anyone cared about new episodes of 90210? JK, Gasmii. No one ever cared about new episodes of 90210. Ah, what the hell, I got 2 afternoons to kill. Let’s re-visit the Hills of Beverly.

When last we left our calorie-deficient gang of privileged youths, their season long plots were coming to a head. Naomi and Liam finally put an end to all that Jen nonsense and were able to take their relationship to the next level…which I guess would be going on a second date. In the biggest act of cockblockery since the last episode of To Catch a Predator, Dixon plants one of Silver despite knowing how her and Simi feel for each other. Last but not least, Jazz-Hands drops the “I Know What You Did Last Summer” bomb on Annie.

And we’re back in 5…4…3…2…

Silver and Naomi, tanned from their vacation in St. Bart’s head home. Silver blabs on and on about her new year’s resolution. Does this mean we’ll have to re-live Valentine’s Day again? Ugh. Naomi, looking more Oompa Loompa than Aniston, ignores her by texting with Liam.

Over at the beach, Dixon calls Liam “text whipped”. Is that a thing? He also wonders if MelaNaomi mentioned Silver in her texts.

Meanwhile MelaNaomi can’t believe Silver and Dixon kissed. Neither can Silver.

Cut to Dixon who can’t wait to see her. Back to Silver who hopes he feels the same. Cut to Mones rolling her eyes at the realization that the writers are going to drag this out for the rest of the season.

Casa Wilson. Becky’s making a feast to celebrate the new year and Annie’s return from Las Vegas where she was spending the holidays with Lucille. (Speaking of, have you guys seen that show Archer? It’s scrumtrulescent.) I guess Whore Island Sin City did wonders for Annie’s bitchitude. We’ll see.

Becky finds an invitation to a booster’s reception on the counter. She wonders if Harry didn’t tell her about it because Kelly was going to be there. Of course not! He just didn’t want it to be uncomfortable for himself Becky. Whatevah, Harry. Becky’ll do what she wants! She’s going to the reception, just like last year.

Dixon’s picked up Annie from the airport and is telling her about Silver. He wonders why they broke up in the first place. Annie trivializes their relationship by saying it was because of his dislike of her beloved horror movies. Shut up. Dixon also seems to forget the myriad reasons why they didn’t work and thinks they’re ready to get back together. He mentions talking to her at school and Annie’s smile falls. She’s not looking forward to going back to school. Dixon thinks the hard part is over. She already broke up with Jazz-Hands. Right, Annie? Right?

Of course not! This isn’t like Sean, the fake half-brother that left in an ominous, threatening way in Season 1, never to return! Jazz-Hands is still around and apparently breaking into Annie’s room to deliver flowers.

West Bev. MelaNaomi asks Silver if she’s tan enough. It’s more like burnt sienna. She really wants to “wow them” at some random’s sister’s 21st birthday party. Isn’t part of the fun of turning 21 is that you can ditch all your underage friends and go to bars and just generally think you’re better than them? Sometimes I just don’t get this show. Kinda like how I don’t get why Adrianna just drove up dressed like a 35 year old executive secretary.

She walks up to the girls and they exchange pleasantries. It’s still a little awkward between them.

Hallway. Dixon and Liam meet up with Navid. He’s just back from Berkeley where he had a bitchin’ time. If you don’t believe him just check out the baggie of cocaine he just took out of his pocket.

OK, everyone just relax. Navid just says no. He’s planning to plant it in Jazz-Hands locker then rat him out like the little tattle-telling bitch hero that he is. How exactly does he plan on getting the drugs in his locker? By having the principle’s son steal the master list of locker combinations from the principle’s office. It’s the perfect, repercussion-free plan! Dixon and Liam don’t seem to think so.

Two things: 1- Did Navid visit the Berkeley campus or something? Nobody says they’re going to Berkeley unless they go to the school. It’s the Bay Area or San Francisco. When I go to LA, people don’t ask how Norwalk was. 2- Are we supposed to believe he got the coke in Berkeley? When he could probably just walk onto any one of his dad’s porn sets and steal a whole platter full?

Across campus, Jazz-Hands sneaks up on Annie and freaks her out. She tells him it’s over between them. That’s cool, he’ll just tell the cops what she did. Annie 0, Jazz-Hands 1. He doesn’t think it’ll be too hard for the cops to find evidence. Annie, still not getting a sense of just how crazy this motherfucker is, asks why he’s doing that to her. He says it’s because he loves her. Run, you idiot! Maybe those 3 inch long eyelashes are blinding her. Can’t she just let bygones be bygones and be his pretend girlfriend? She nods and they walk down the hall holding hands as Silver and MelaNaomi look on.

Later on, Dixon finds Silver in a classroom. Before Dixon can declare his intentions, Silver blurts out that their kiss was a mistake. To save face, Dixon agrees. Silver thinks she was vulnerable because of seeing Simi with a girl, who if you remember, is his sister. She thinks that maybe she jumped to conclusions, maybe Simi and that girl were just friends. Now would be a good time for Dixon to open his mouth. You know, not just to mouth breath but to tell her the truth.

Outside, MelaNaomi finds Ivy and thanks her for texting her the night of the dance. It really meant a lot to Naomi and to show her appreciation she bought her a gift from the duty free shop, a Fendi baguette. Ivy just kinda looks at it and calls it a “pocketbook”. Look, it’s obvious Naomi doesn’t know you at all but it’s the thought that counts, ingrate. I just started calling you by your name, don’t make me come up with a nickname.

PE Class. Kick-boxing? Whatever happened to flag football or badminton? Is it me or does this school try too hard? Dixon asks Simi about his break. Simi had a great time in Aspen but is waiting for Dixon to man up and tell him about kissing Silver. Dixon figures he got over it with a couple of snow bunnies. As a matter of fact, he did not and thought he made it clear he liked her. Yeah, man, he called dibs. Dixon calls takesy backsies and tells Simi, it’s hush hush, but he and Silver are talking about getting back together. You can’t spell Dixon without “dick”.

Silver and MelaNaomi find Annie outside studying and ask her about Jazz-Hands. She can’t seriously be with him still. He’s a drug dealer, a bad guy and, according to Naomi, totes greasy. Annie snaps and tells them they don’t get to tell her what to do.

As The Hallway Turns

Silver runs up to Simi between classes to talk about what happened at the dance. Simi cuts her off to tell her she was right about him all along. “Once a player, always a player.” He can’t even decide who to take to the beach club party. Hot Miko or Easy Lisa. Oh, Simi, grow a pair and start acting the age you look.

Navid and Jazz pass each other in the hall. Navid gives him a big (read suspicious) hello and smile.

MelaNaomi finds Dixon to tell her about Annie and Jazz-Hands. Annie’s right about Naomi not having a right to meddle in her life, but maybe Dixon can talk to her. He agrees…and scene.

This episode of As The Hallway Turns has been brought to you by Mother’s Chocolate Chip Cookies and Berkeley Farms 2% Lowfat Milk.

Great, motherfucking Rumer Willis. So it begins.

Looks like Rumer’s a boozer, a user and a loser too. She invites Adrianna bowling with a couple other 12 Steppers. She declines the invite on account of not wanting to make AA her whole life. Jerk. A simple “no thanks” would suffice. Rumer likes having friends around who get it and figured Adrianna did too. Well Rumer, first Adrianna would need to get friends. Am I right? Ade and her friends are in a weird place right now, but if they were around they’d totally understand. Rumer offers her an understanding vagina ear and gives Ade her business card.

Beach. It’s Naomiam’s first date! (Hey, it’s no Bennifer or Brangelina but it’s the best I can do.) There seems to be trouble in paradise from the get go. They’re nervous, awkward and talking over each other. The toxic glow emanating from MelaNaomi’s skin probably isn’t helping either.

Casa Wilson. UGH! Annie’s showing Dixon some “cool” feature on her stupid laptop. It’s not even an Apple so spare me the propaganda. They actually wrote dialogue for this!? Really show!? T-Mobile is all over this shitfest and not once has a character shown another how to use a damn phone. I hate you.

Dixon tries to talk to Annie about Jazz-Hands. She tells him to stay out of it. They’re getting along now, why ruin it? Dixon agrees and leaves her room…to call Navid. Operation Blow Cover is on.

The next day at school, Ivy asks Liam about his date with “the big N”. She really is a glutton for punishment. Liam hesitates. Ivy chastises him for thinking she’s in love with him, which she totally is. Have these idiots never seen Some Kind of Wonderful?

So Watts-Lite tells Liam about how her and MelaNaomi are purse buddies and she can very well ask Naomi herself. She calls it a pocketbook again. What is she? 70? He tells her how bad it was. She thinks that at least he gave it a shot. He agrees. Didn’t Liam just spend the last 12 episodes trying to get Naomi back?

Dixon and Navid put their little plan in action. Dixon heads to Harry’s office to leave a note on his desk while Navid hangs outside with the secretary.

And here we go again with the timeline issues. Adrianna’s in the cafeteria doing her homework. Is the before school? Free period? Lunch? Do kids not study at home anymore? Or is it just the friendless train wrecks? I’ll never understand this school.

MelaNaomi asks if Adrianna’s seen Silver. She’s desperate for a friend’s ear. Hey, Adrianna has ears and they used to be friends. Why not? Naomi tells her about her awful date with Liam. “We had absolutely nothing to say to each other. I don’t get it. How could things between such good looking people be so boring?” Lucky for Naomi, Adrianna has some sense. She reminds her that they were probably nervous and that they’ve waited so long for their chance. It’s too soon to give up. If their chemistry is what Naomi’s worried about then there are ways of testing it out. A little light bulb goes off over MelaNaomi’s head and she gets 2 shades darker before our very eyes. To thank Adrianna for her shockingly good advice, Naomi invites her to the party at the beach club.

Back in Harry’s office, Dixon finds the locker combinations. The last page prints out right as Harry walks in. Nothing can go wrong now! Unless…

Outside, Silver and Naomi watch as Annie gets into Jazz-Hands car.

Booster’s Reception. Harry and Becky have an awkward run-in with Kelly. Harry didn’t think it was so bad. Becky agrees, but goes to talk to Kelly anyway. Cat fight! Mee-oww!!

Beach Club. The girls arrive and check their coats…except for MelaNaomi who’s naked under her trench coat. She tells Silver about the perfect plan she and Adrianna came up with to test her chemistry with Liam. The whole naked call girl thing wasn’t Adrianna’s idea. The one part of the plan Naomi didn’t consider or even thought of as a possibility, I guess, was Liam’s non-attendance at the party, or any party for that matter. I’m shocked these two can’t work it out.

A waiter stops by with what looks like a tray full of Cokes and the girls toast to enforced dress codes. Heh. Adrianna notices the splash of rum in her drink. She tries to play it off. Things like that happen. Especially at a birthday party for a 21-year-old where underage people are in attendance. She excuses herself and quickly calls Rumer who, luckily, is attending the very same function.

Adrianna tells her about the rum and coke. She’s freaking out. I thought Ade was a drug addict, not alcoholic. I know certain things can trigger a relapse but it was a tiny sip of something she wasn’t addicted to. You’d think that after multiple viewings of Celebrity Rehab I’d be more sensitive to the plight of addicts. I’ve never been addicted to anything other than Hostess Chocolate Donettes so what the hell do I know about substance abuse. Anyway, Rumer calms her down.

Booster’s Reception. Becky whisks Kelly away to Harry’s office for a little talk. Kelly tells Becky about the issues she was having with Jackie (RIP). Harry was someone she could confide in. Once she saw it was starting to be more than just friendship she made sure to stay away. The last thing she wanted was to break up their marriage.

Beach. Jazz-Hands offers Annie a rock to join him in rock throwing but she declines. She seems to be in a pissy mood. I wonder why? He suggests going to see a Bollywood flick. She hates movies with subtitles. Always has. She seems to be wanting to pick a fight with him. Not really the best strategy seeing as he’s proved to be a psycho. Jazz is crazy, but not stupid. He knows what she’s doing and he’s not falling for it. He loves her no matter what. They’re soul mates…and soul mates, like diamonds, are forever.

He drops her off at home. She starts to get out of the car but he reminds her that she forgot something. He plants the creepiest kiss on her. Her eyes well up a bit. It’s a bit disturbing.

Boring Ass Booster’s Reception. Becky and Kelly finish their talk as Harry looks on nervously from the hallway. Becky thinks they need to find Kelly a man. Maybe Kelly needs to stop worrying about herself and take care of Silver and her son, what’s his name? Becky invites Kelly to her morning yoga class where she knows the perfect guy for her.

Harry, unfamiliar with the powers of female bonding, wonders what the eff is going on? Becky tells him that Kelly’s crush wasn’t about him at all. Harry thinks it was a little bit about him. Nope. Becky thinks it could have been anyone. Harry, Coach Cooper, Lou the Gardener. Yeah, if Lou were played by Grant Show maybe.

Beach Club. Silver and Dixon laugh over MelaNaomi’s crazy ass. The joy ceases when Silver sees Simi mackin’ on his date.

Speaking of MelaNaomi, she heads over to Liam’s garage. Is it hot in there or is it just her?

We come back from commercials post-coitus. It looks like things are A-OK in the bedroom. Or garage as the case may be. But once they try to have a conversation we see that sex didn’t solve anything. Maybe they didn’t do it right?

Beach Club. Rumer fills Adrianna in on all the fun sober things they can do. She thanks her new friend. She feels a lot better. Better than Rumer does when her ex-girlfriend walks in with her new chick. She thinks her ex is flaunting her lady love and feels like a loser. Adrianna, ever the perceptive one, thinks her ex looks jealous at the possibility that Rumer’s with her. So Adrianna sits on Rumer’s lap and plants a big ole lesbian kiss on her. Hoes before hoes. Rumer wonders why she did it. Ade doesn’t know. Lindsay Lohan did it. Why can’t she?

Elsewhere, Silver can’t believe she was thinking of giving Simi a chance. Dixon has something to tell her. Will he finally redeem himself and stop being Duke of Cockblockerburg? Of course not, we’ve still got half a season to go! He confesses his feelings for her and asks her for another chance. Tune in next week for her answer!

Casa Wilson. Annie cries and cries and cries. She takes a break from crying to throw her phone against the wall after getting a love text from Jazz-Hands. She throws like a girl.

Beach Yoga. Becky and Kelly settle in for class as the yoga teacher Becky was telling Kelly about comes over to fawn all over her. Becky, that is. Well, well, well, isn’t this interesting. Kelly points out that the teacher is hot for student. Becky denies it but can’t deny the fact that she totally caught him admiring more than her sukhasana.

West Bev. It’s Random Locker Search Day! The rent-a-cops search Jazz-Hands locker and come up empty-handed. Zoinks. Conveniently, Navid’s locker is right next to his. Luckily, that locker does have drugs. Oh wait…

Fin.