90210: You Know, I Wish That I Had Jesse’s Girl

The last episode of 90210 of the season is here! Praise the Lord! Can I get an Amen? Seriously though, Gasmii. You would think a show this caca for koo koo poops would be easy to recap and make fun of but its not. There are only so many ways you can tell fictional characters to theoretically shut up.

On with the show!

Powder Room. Naomi blabs Liam’s sob story to her bitch-ass sister. Cliff Notes version: Daddy left early on. Mom worked as a maid for rich family in Long Island. Liam caught them in flagrante delicto. They got married, moved to Cali and now hate Liam. Naomi asks if Jen is even listening to her. Sure she is. Liam sounds neat. She’s not listening. Tonight, everything between Naomi and Liam changed. EVERYTHING.

Phoebe walks in to talk to Naomi. Total emergency. “Principal Loser” ruined her party and now no one is stepping up! Like, to the streets? She sees Jen and thinks she’s a chaperone and starts to lecture Naomi on the ills of after-prom parties. After wondering if Phoebe had a head injury, she realizes what’s up and introduces her to her sister. She then volunteers to have the party at her house. Jen doesn’t think so. She ain’t having no house trashing, beer spilling, pukemeisters at her house. Actually Jen, since Naomi bought everything and is the only one paying the rent, it’s her house. If she feels like having a bunch of pimpled faced adolescents with no respect for other people’s property at her house, then she’s going to have a bunch of pimpled faced adolescents with no respect for other people property at her house. Jen warns her not to do this.

Naomi walks around telling people about the party. She sees some chick we’re supposed to believe is someone Naomi’s talked to before, Penelope, who warns her that “Benedict Annie” is right there. “Principal Loser”? “Benedict Annie?” Is that the best these kids can come up with? I guess the witty fat kids didn’t go to prom this year. Naomi defends her friend and tells Annie not to worry. She compliments the wrap she’s wearing and the way she looks tonight. “Like a model, a really short one. Or a regular sized one standing in the distance.” HA! She get a text re: Operation Birthin’ Babies. Before she takes off she asks Annie to take care of her house and make sure no one vomits wine coolers on the rug. But everything else is fair game.

The Three Amigos walk around the parking lot looking for their limo. A passing prom-goer congratulates Dixon on Prom King. He gives him a sulky thank you. Why you gotta be like that? Silver thinks he should be enjoying his victory. He finds it difficult to enjoy something his girlfriend thinks is stupid. That list of things she finds stupid is dangerously close to including your whiny ass.

Annie interrupts our super couple to tell them about Pregs. They have to get to Naomi’s house quick before everyone starts showing up. Silver figures that Pregs and Navid took the limo. Ethan asks some guy named Duncan for a ride. Duncan, who happens to be sharing a limo with Phoebe, agrees. She, however, doesn’t want that “rat” in their limo. Annie swears she didn’t snitch and she would really appreciate a ride to her house to get her car. Phoebe agrees as long as Annie doesn’t talk or look at her.

Traffic Jam. Naomi apologizes to Liam for abandoning him. He’ll see her later. She’s surprised he’s going to the party. Well, it’s her party. Of course, he’s going. There’s smooching. There’s me gagging. He tells her his mom’s been sending him to a $200 an hour therapist that he’s barely said 5 words to. One night with Naomi and he’s told her his whole life story. Yeah, one night and several months of banging. Oh yeah, and all that personal stuff he told her, that’s private. But she already knows that. And so does her sister.

Lucy and Ricky arrive at the hospital. Navid goes up to the counter and is met by the most stereotypical black nurse The CW could find. She doesn’t acknowledge him until he says, loudly, that it’s an emergency. She doesn’t think getting into a fight on prom night is an emergency. She’ll get to him when she gets to him. Pregs moans and wonders what’s taking so long. He hangs up her call and yells that his girlfriend is having a baby. “Oh, she’s having a baby?” “Yes, she’s having a baby.” “Yeah, I having a baby.” Baby?! Baby!? What’s this about a baby?

Post-Prom-A-Palooza. The Wildcat Crooners sing an acapella version of “Beautiful Dreamer” from Oliver!. Then, in an unfortunate turn of events, the white kid in the group starts beat boxing. Thank God I get to recap Glee. Its powers of all that is awesome will help me erase that from my memory. So, anyways, it looks like the Christian Club put on a school sponsored after-prom party complete with video games and ice cream sundae bar. Harry and Kelly continue their flirting, now over the selected toppings. Becky shows up just in time. She thinks the party is a success. Kelly runs over and fills them in on Operation: Underage Mother.

Naomi’s. Annie walks around huffing and puffing. She takes off her wrap and gets on all fours to pick up the spilled pretzels. Jen walks in and steps on her hand. Instead of apologizing, she asks what Annie’s doing. Naomi asked her to keep an eye on the party. Jen’s not too happy about Naomi not being there. Annie fails to mention Operation: Rescue Fetus. Jen makes a big deal of saying that she’s going outside and grabbing Annie’s wrap. You all saw what happened there, right? Don’t worry if you haven’t figured it out. You’ve got another 40 minutes to catch up.

Dixon eyes Silver, who’s suddenly Ms. Popular, from across the room. He whines to Ethan that his relationship with Silver is a lot of work. Sometimes he wishes she was a regular high school robot girlfriend that watched him play lacrosse and liked walking the Third Street Promenade. Ethan wonders who would want such a boring, ugly, smelly girl. Silver’s got (teen) spirit, life-force and is uniquely and miraculously special. Umm, what he means is that they are a great couple. Anything worth it takes work and patience. Dixon understands. Despite just complaining about having nothing in common, he says he loves her and misses her when he’s not next to her. He leaves and Ethan pulls out a picture of Silver he’s carrying in his jacket pocket.

Hospital. The grown folks arrive. Kelly runs in to see Pregs. Harry can’t believe they haven’t heard from Annie or Dixon. He pulls out some brownies he grabbed on his way out of Prom-A-Palooza. He shares one with Becky. You all saw what happened there, right? Don’t worry if you haven’t figured it out. You’ve still got another 30 minutes to catch up.

Pregs screams her little birthin’ heart out. She’s not ready! She’s still got 3 weeks to go! Greg and Evie Ethel Garland aren’t there yet! Navid assures her that they are on their way and will be there at 5am. She’s worried that Ty hasn’t signed the parental waiver yet. Navid will take care of it. But what about a toothbrush! She doesn’t even have a toothbrush! I’m sure Navid will put toothpaste on his finger and let her use it as a brush. Naomi, though, doesn’t think her breathe smells that bad. Kelly arrives, which is neat, but where’s Brenda? She must still be in China. Visiting the ‘rents? Hmmm. Pregs freaks. It’s too soon! She’s not ready! Nothing is ready! She’s not being dramatic enough! Speaking of, the machines start beeping. The nurse tells her the baby’s heart beat is dropping and hauls her off to the operating room for a C-section.

Naomi’s. Dixon and Ethan play a drinking game that requires them to put their jackets on the ground and chug. Annie runs around picking up after the party guests. She sees Liam and asks what he’s doing. He shows her a drawing of her. She gets pissy and walks away.

Hospital. Pregs lies in bed. What happened to the C-section? Sad music swells. Navid brings over a baby. It can’t be hers. Can it? I’m not a breeder or anything, but do C-sections take 15 minutes? Navid tells her the baby’s beautiful. Does Ade want to hold her? I think I can answer that question. Where is the social worker? Isn’t she not supposed to see the baby? Plus, shut up, Navid. She just had her uterus outside of her body.

Navid goes out to the waiting room to tell everyone about the baby. It’s an 18 inch, 6lb., 2oz., healthy baby girl. Navid will take them to the nursery. Before he leaves, Harry asks Navid if he knows where Dixon and…Annie are, Becky finishes. He doesn’t. Harry wonders if they might still be at his house. Because Navid’s parents would totally not care if their son’s friends were chillin at their house. Navid blows their cover but tries to backtrack and says they might be at his house.

Becky wonders if they went to an after-prom party. They must have. How will they find them? They aren’t answering their phones. Harry suggests driving around. Becky wonders where and yawns which cracks Harry up. Becky’s really tired. Harry imitates the way she yawned and starts yawning himself. They laugh. Becky feels weird. So does Harry. It’s almost like he’s stoned. OMG! Becky feels that too! Harry soon realizes that it must have been the brownies. Way after we figured it out.

Naomi’s. Silver asks Ethan what he thinks about her and Dixon. He thinks they’re both great. As a couple? She’s just now realizing how different they are. He’s prom royalty and she’s not. Well, technically, she is. Is that what he thinks she is? He’s glad she’s not. Dixon loves her and prom is only once a year. They’ve still got 364 other night where they’re difference won’t seem so repetitive drastic. She needed to hear that. They hug and she notices that he’s wearing Dixon’s jacket. Ruh-roh.

Ethan walks over to Dixon, who’s deejaying. They switch jackets. Crisis averted. Or is it?!

Hospital. Becky makes a “How To Find Kids” list. She whispers to Harry that they can’t drive because they are stoned. Harry whispers that they’ll call a cab. Becky’s confused. Should she call a cab or put call a cab on the list? Harry wonders why they are whispering. She’s not sure. Heh. Kelly walks up and Becky whispers to Harry. He loudly tells her they think the brownies they got from the Prom-A-Palooza “contained cannabis”. Becky thinks he should have whispered that part. Harry doesn’t think it’s a good time to drive around to look for the kids. Kelly tells them that everything will be fine. They have great kids. Harry asks if they can have some snacks. Kelly goes to get them some from the vending machine, but not before giving Harry a flirty pat on the chest. One that doesn’t go unnoticed by Becky. She informs Harry of Kelly’s crush on him. He thinks it’s the pot talking.

Naomi’s. Phoebe prays to the porcelain gods. Annie finds her and, reluctantly, asks if she’s OK. She’s cool. She’ll just head home. How? She’ll walk, or maybe, Annie will swallow her pride and give her a ride home? And we all know where she falls on the Spits vs. Swallow debate.

Outside, Jen finds Liam and introduces herself as Zelda, Naomi’s next door neighbor. She tells him she overheard a crazy story about him, or rather, about his mom shagging her boss. He asks where she heard that. Some gossipy girls who heard it from Naomi. Is it true or was Naomi exaggerating like always. He should know how she is. After all, Naomi’s his girlfriend, right? Not anymore. “Zelda” thinks they can both find a way to make the night fun…and I don’t think she’s talking about online Scrabble.

Hospital. The arrival of Brenda at Adrianna’s hospital bed that everyone predicted is here! I don’t think anyone predicted that Brenda would have turned into a weird, deep-voiced, zombie, Cleopatra, though. Her show got extended so she doesn’t leave for Beijing until tomorrow. She rushed over after curtain when she heard Ade was in the hospital. Ade played Cleopatra, too. Brenda’s not surprised. They’re two of a kind. They both love drama and both lead pretty dramatic lives (that are of their own doing). She takes Ade for a walk.

Out in the hall, Ade see a sign outside a room that says “WALSH, JIM”. Since, Walsh is such a rare name, she asks if that’s a relative of hers. It’s her father. He’s dying.

UMMM…WHAT?!

Ade is sorry to hear about her dad. Brenda hopes they have the jello with the little marshmellows at the cafeteria. Shouldn’t Brenda be with her dad? Where’s Cindy? Is Brandon gonna drag his self-important assface to see him? It’s too painful for Brenda. But she’ll regret not saying goodbye. Has Adrianna met Brenda’s dragon? Out pops one of those Chinese dragons like in the Chinese New Year’s Parade. Ade continues to plead with Brenda to say goodbye to her dad. Brenda has to leave for China. The dragon swoops in close to Ade and then pulls back to reveal Brenda is gone. Ade call out for her and then we cut to a jolted Ade in her hospital bed.

I’m starting to think that wasn’t really Brenda.

Nursery. Ade tells the nurse that she wants to hold her baby.

Naomi’s. Silver and her new lifelong friends jump in the pool. Ethan stares are her lovingly. Dixon stares at him angrily. He walks up to him and asks how long he’s had a thing for Silver, you know, with the way he was talking about her before. Took him long enough to figure it out. Ethan thinks she’s great, as a friend, and his friend’s girlfriend. Dixon make him swear. He swears, by the moon and the stars in the sky. OK, so now that that’s squared away, why does Ethan have a picture of her in his jacket? Oh, that? He got it for Dixon. He’s lying. Ethan tells him to let it go. Dixon thought Ethan was his friend. He is, he also hasn’t done anything. But he wanted to and Dixon wants him to admit it. Silver walks up, senses the testosterone and asks what’s up. Dixon tells Ethan not to lie. Ethan tells Dixon, again, to drop it. Dixon tells “King Jock” to man up and admit it. He does one better and tells Silver to her face.

Hospital. Naomi hugs Navid goodbye. She’ll be back first thing in the mid-afternoon. Definitely before dinner. As she leaves, Ty walks in and hands Navid the signed parental waiver and a cigar. He thinks Navid is a good guy and he respects him for being there for Adrianna. His left hook ain’t so bad either.

Room 420. Becky, still in her marijuana haze, confesses to Kelly that she thought she had a crush on Harry. She knows its insane. Women can get jealous, and then add pot to the mix and you’ve got one psycho hose beast. Kelly tries to explain but Becky blames it on the pot.

Naomi arrives at her house and looks around for Liam. Some girl named Savanna tells her he went upstairs.

Naomi walks into her room and finds Liam dressing. She surveys the scene and asks what he’s done. Who is she? She’s nobody and she’s gone. Naomi finds Annie’s wrap on the floor and grimaces. She never wants to see him again.

Naomi leaves and, right on cue, Jen walks into the room. She tells Liam that her sister is so high strung and has all these silly, bourgeois ideas about fidelity. What a peasant. Realization washes over Liam’s face. Naomi was getting a little full of herself so Jen needed to put her in check. Liam can’ believe she used him. She think he should consider himself lucky. Liam’s sure Naomi’s going to hate her. Luckily, Naomi will never find out because Liam’s not going to tell. It will devastate her and he’s not that cruel. Liam’s right to call her a bitch because she readily admits she is. But only when its absolutely necessary.

Disclosure: This recap is late because I had to get my wisdom teeth taken out on Friday and didn’t finish in time. Starting here, I’m writing while medicated. I cannot guarantee any of it will make sense or be spelled correctly. Thank you for your support.

Naomi runs downstairs and finds Annie. Right off the bat, she accuses of schtooping Liam which Annie denies. Naomi busts out exhibit A: the wrap she found in her room. Annie hasn’t been in her room, she was taking Phoebe home. Naomi laughs at that and, now in the middle of the party, starts yelling at Annie to stop lying. Annie continues to defend herself and tells her that she would never do that to her. According to Naomi, though, she already has. Ethan, remember? How is that the same thing? Well, they both slept with Jen, so yeah, I guess it’s the same.

Anyways, Naomi’s on to Annie’s innocent girl act. Duncan yells out that she ratted out the party. Penelope and Savanna continue the assault and tell her that no one wants her there. Some other girl yells out “Kansas Skank” which got a chuckle out of me when I first heard it and just now when I wrote it. Some other guy throws a red drink in her face. That one was for Charlie. She’s really getting it from all angles, huh? Naomi yells at her to get out. The rage no one saw but Liam, has finally hit its boiling point. “Screw…Screw you Naomi! Screw all of you!”

Outside, she gets all Waterboy on us and lets out a guttural yell. She composes herself enough to call 911 to rat out the party. Self-fulfilling prophecy? She grabs a bottle of vodka and hauls ass out of there. FINALLY! An Annie I can love to hate, not just hate.

Hospital. Ade holds the baby as Brenda walks in. Don’t worry, it’s not Zombie Brenda there to eat the baby. It’s normal, smiley Brenda. OK, smiley Brenda isn’t normal Brenda…its not a dream, OK? She just got back from China a couple of hours ago. The baby is beautiful. Ade can’t believe that she was inside her the whole time. Navid comes in to tell her that Greg and Evie have arrived. Ade starts to cry. How is she going to say goodbye? Brenda knows it’s tough, but adoption is a wonderful gift. How would she know? She was in China to adopt a little girl. Brenda assures her that she’s going to make the couple very happy and, in turn, they’ll make the baby happy. Ade calms down a bit and tells the baby that she’s going to be really happy. Awww.

Back at the party, Silver runs after Ethan. He didn’t want to say anything. She doesn’t know what to do with the information. He’s one of her besties and that’s it, right?

He doesn’t think they’re just friends. He doesn’t want to be just friends. Well which one is it? It’s all or nothing. It’s her call. But first, think about why she’s out there talking to him instead of Dixon? Probably because she can’t get a word in through all of Dixon’s tears.

End of season montage…

Naomi cries on Jen’s lap. Jen tells her it’s OK, she’ll take good care of her. They hear sirens outside.

Ade hands over the baby to Evie. She asks what her name is. Maisie. Oh man, really? Poor kid. They leave. After hearing what they named the baby, she asks if she did the right thing. Brenda assures her she did a really good thing.

Liam leaves Naomi a voice mail. He messed up and needs to talk to her. His door flies open and some guy tells him to get dressed. They are taking him to Stembrook, a wilderness therapy program. His step-dad is tired of him skipping school and stealing his credit cards. It’s over…

Annie drives along a country road. She looks down at the half-empty bottle of vodka and then hits something. She freaks and drives off, just as she sees a car coming. The other car stops and we see a West Bev sticker on the back…

Fin.

And that’s a wrap on season 1! Thank you all for reading and for hanging in there these last couple of weeks. I’m off for the summer but look out for my recap of Glee (hopefully) in the next couple of days. Now, it’s time to go. My drugs are wearing off…PEACE!