90210: You Got To Know When To Hold’em, Know When To Fold’em

This week on 90210, I realize I’ve been spelling Cannon’s name wrong. It has two n’s. Also, people said words and did stuff for a whole hour. If you don’t believe me, check out this pic I got of the script:

West Bev. Naomi, complete with orange hazard vest and litter grabber thingie (trademark Mones), picks up trash. Silver and Lesbianna stare at her from afar. Lie about being sexually harassed by a teacher one time and these bitches turn their backs on you. And just so we’re clear that everyone has abandoned Naomi, Liam walks by and barely musters a disappointed glance her way.

Harry stops by to assign some more shit work even though she’s clearly not done with her current task. He’s drunk with power! He hands her a bucket of paint and brush and leads her over to Cannon’s (now with two n’s!) parking space. Someone has thoughtfully painted to word “molester” on it. Guilt washes over Naomi’s face. I don’t get it? She confessed. How did that not clear his name?

Liam’s. Father and son sand the boat. What’s next? Catching a fly with chopsticks? Liam’s dad…whose name I don’t remember and still don’t have a nickname for. Anyway, his dad can’t believe Liam did all the work on the boat himself. Liam spent a lot of time on it, mostly to work off his anger issues. Big Daddy thinks things are going to change now that he’s in LA. He’s thinking of opening up a tackle shop by the marina. He just needs a little seed money. Uh huh. Once he’s got his business up and running, he’ll get a place and then Liam can move in with him. He’s certainly got it all figured out, doesn’t he? Or at least Liam all figured out, by the look on his face. He looks like my mom’s dog, Chuy, when I ask him where his bone is.

Navid waits in a long dark hallway, brow furrowed. Lila saunters up to him saying she’s there for the Future Zoologists of America meeting. Navid asks her what’s the only mammal that can survive its entire life without drinking water. Despite being his girlfriend, she has to answer the question. I would tell you the answer but I think it would do you all some good to do that research on your own. Maybe you’ll learn something. You’re welcome.

At first I thought it was all some weird sex thing but then we see it’s really just a cover for the illegal poker game Dixon set up. Lila starts to deal the cards when someone knocks on the door.

It’s Mark, naked Annie picture taker/illegal poker game crasher/all around douche. He drops a stack of money on the table and Dixon offers him a seat. What kind of allowance do these kids get anyway?

Casa Wilson. Becky comes home with some shopping bags. Shopping her cares away. Soo Beverly Hills. Harry asks if she picked up the dry cleaning without so much as a hello. Becky wonders what’s going on with them. The bitterness and sniping at each other has to stop. She suggests counseling. Harry thinks counseling is for people who have problems. They have issues. It’s like the difference between eggshell and off-white. It’s subtle but they both make your kitchen walls look dirty.

To end the counseling debate, Becky blurts out that she kissed another man. She quickly corrects herself and says that he kissed her. Harry asks when it happened and she tells him it was two months ago. Harry can’t believe she didn’t say anything. To her credit, she doesn’t blame Dana. I would have.

Poker Game. The hand is between Dixon and Mark. Dixon bets all his money. Mark matches it and raises him $6,175. Holding a King and an Ace, Dixon asks for a marker instead of folding. I think. I have no idea what the hell is going on. I get scared away by the old little Filipino ladies at the Blackjack tables. They will cut you if you take their card! What I’m saying is that I’m no expert on card games. Dixon shows his card and starts taking the chips when Mark throws his cards on top of the chips and asks if four queens beat a full house. Nobody answers, but I’ll just assume the answer is yes. Mark gives Dixon until the end of tomorrow to pay him back.

West Bev. Now it’s time for the Silver and Simi total drama showcase! Silver wonders why Simi’s been AWOL lately. After all, there are SATs to study for! He’s been training for a big tournament. Silver invites him over to study but he’s got conditioning to do. She thinks the SATs are important, you know, for college. Simi thinks college is great and all, but if he wants to play professional tennis it’s got to be now. College will have to wait. Of course, Silver thinks he’s throwing away his future. Because why would she be supportive of any of her boyfriends having interests and goals different than hers. Simi calls her out on being judgmental and not understanding him. Isn’t he like a National Juniors Champion or some shit? It’s not like it’s a pipe dream or something. Lighten up bitch.

Beach Club. Dixon and Ivy are still going strong. And by strong I mean Dixon is totally consumed by his own problems, not Ivy’s charming tale of the sea. She throws a piece of bread at him to snap him out of it. He apologizes and tells her there’s nowhere he’d rather be than with her. And he’ll be with her right after he takes this call.

It’s Mark returning his call. He calls him “Little Dix”. Heh. Dixon doesn’t have his money but he does have a “dope” laptop and some new DJ equipment; stuff that he probably could have sold to get the money. Dummy. Mark doesn’t want his stuff but maybe he can pay him back in another way. He feeds Dixon this line about wanting to decorate his girlfriend’s locker for her birthday but needs a key to get into the school after hours. As the principal’s son, Dixon could get that for him. It’s either that or pay him the $6k he owes. Why Dixon doesn’t ask why Mark can’t go early in the morning before she gets to school I’ll never know.

Liam’s. Is anyone else wondering if Liam’s mom knows that her ex-con ex-husband is lurking around? Hmmm. Over pizza, Liam asks Big Daddy about his job hunt. He’s had no luck finding a job willing to give a broken man a second chance. Maybe he should follow Liam’s mom’s lead and marry a billionaire. Even better, maybe they could rob her billionaire! Just kidding! That would mean that the time spent behind bars didn’t rehabilitate him. And we all know prison does just that.

West Bev. Dixon meets Mark. He’s not going to give him the key but he will go with him. Just as he opens the door, a group of Mark’s friends, all wearing hooded masks, run through the door. Mark forgot. His girlfriend’s birthday is next month. Tonight, they’re hacking into the computer system and changing their grades stealing the SATs!

Inside, Dixon informs our masked marauders that the exams aren’t on school property. You see, West Bev will be administering the Saturday Afternoon Test, but the exams do not arrive until the morning of. Looks like in addition to not studying for the test, Mark forgot to do his homework.

The next morning, thinking he’s off the hook, Dixon happily strolls onto campus. His smile fades as he sees the hallways have been vandalized. He finds Mark and asks if they really did this. Mark tells him that the tests were going to bring them “some serious lettuce” and they were pissed. Lettuce? Is that like cheddar? Cause that I understand.

Cafeteria. Naomi and Annie overhear a girl call Cannon a pervert. Naomi worries that things aren’t blowing over so she takes matters into her own hands. She stands on a chair and announces to the crowd that Cannon is not a molester. He’s not a pervert, she is. “I perverted justice. I perverted morality. I perverted his life.”

She apologizes to everyone as Silver and Lesbianna look on approvingly. Shut up. Real friends would have realized how sorry she was and heard her out. Assholes. So anyway, the crowd starts chanting “pervert” at Naomi and Silver and Lesbianna swoop in to save her. They kinda just leave Annie behind. They tell her they’re proud of her and Naomi wonders if they’ve forgiven her. “Hey, we’ve all done bad stuff right.” Where was that attitude when you were looking down your noses at her when she was picking up trash? Again, assholes. Annie shows up in time for the group hug.

Harry’s Office. Dixon gets called in to see Harry who wants to show him this cool video he found online. It’s of the West Bev security cameras! He pauses the video on Dixon’s stupid, open-mouthed face. He stutters his way through an explanation but Harry just wants to know why he was there. Dixon confesses to his 3 episode gambling habit and how it led to the break in. Harry asks who the guys in the mask are. It takes about 10 seconds for Dixon to sing like a canary. Snitch.

In the hall, Naomi runs into Cannon. He thanks her for coming clean to everyone and calls her courageous. She spots Liam across the way and gets dissed again. You can’t win them all, I guess.

Casa Wilson. Harry and Becky talk about things out in the living room as Annie and Liam walk into the kitchen. Becky tells Harry that the reason she didn’t tell him about the kiss was because she felt something for Yoga Teacher. Liam tries to get Annie to leave but she shushes him not ever thinking this may be awkward for him. She’s so selfish.

Harry wonders how Becky can be so selfish. Like mother like daughter. She tells him it’s not her fault. She kissed someone but he goes to work and flirts with other women and ignores her when he gets home. She calls him cold. He’s been living in his own bubble oblivious to her feelings. Yoga Teacher paid attention to her when Harry didn’t. She stopped the kiss because she knew it was the right thing to do, not because she wanted to. Liam finally gets Annie out of there. Harry agrees to counseling.

Liam and Annie take a walk around the neighborhood. Annie thinks it sucks. Liam thinks at least it just started sucking. His family has sucked since he was 7 when his parents got a divorce. Annie brings it back to her by whining that it’s not fair. She then jumps into the fountain they’re walking by. She doesn’t know why she did it, but felt frustrated and felt she had to do something. Yeah, I know, it’s retarded as fuck. Especially the part where Liam tries to help her out of the fountain and ends up falling into it. God, then Annie starts splashing water around like an idiot. He pulls her out and starts rubbing her arms. They stare at each other for a bit and Annie blurts out that Liam should be with Naomi. This whole scene was about as well written as it was acted by Shenae.

Someone should have a serious talk with her about NOT sucking. Or do they only talk to their actresses when they’re pushing100lbs?

Wimbledumb. Silver stops by to make amends with Simi. “You love tennis, so I’m gonna learn to love tennis.” Jeez, don’t hurt yourself or anything. She apologizes for the fight and thinks he should take advantage of the opportunity to play. She planned to stay for the match but Simi talks her out of it. Knowing that she supports him is enough for him plus she should use the time to study. Hmmm, why does it always seem like everything Simi says is a lie? My acting teacher always said acting is truth. You make the call.

Naomi’s Hillside Compound.

Liam stops by and apologizes. What she did was wrong, but she made it right in the end. He should have been there for her. Naomi promises to never do anything like that again. Yes, please writers! Leave her alone and go after Annie. Naomi tells Liam she loves him and he responds “You, too”. Yikes.

Wimbledumb. Silver changed her mind and came back to watch him play. She asks where his section is and sees a swarm of people surrounding his dad, Spence Montgomery, as portrayed by Ryan O’Neal. He starts to tell her it’s not a good idea to sit with him when Silver tells him to do his thing and runs off towards him. Simi tries to go after her but gets called away for his game.

Silver runs up to Spence and introduces herself. Spence doesn’t shake her hand and asks if she wants an autograph. She uses her full name in vain. Spence doesn’t know who she is and is surprised to hear Simi has a girlfriend. Silver gets her panties in a bunch and takes off. Probably because her skirt barely covers her cooch.

Casa Wilson. Harry walks into Dixon’s room and finds him playing video games. He quickly turns it off. Supernintendo Chalmers called and said he was going to expel the people responsible for the break in. Harry lied and told her there was a glitch in the security footage and couldn’t see who it was. BOO! What’s he gonna do when he finds out about Annie? Say he did it? Bad husband, bad parent. He tells Dixon his life outside of school is over. No car, no cell phone, no video games, no nothing! He also better not tell any of his friends. Dixon asks if Harry told Becky. He didn’t, she’s got a lot going on. That’s right, one more betrayal/lie won’t hurt. Before Harry leaves, Dixon apologizes. Harry’s sorry, too. He thought Dixon was better than this. DAMN! That’s gotta sting.

Across town, Liam walks into what I now learn is the carriage house and finds Papa John. He was thinking of turning it into a gym. What about Liam’s boat you ask? Papa John isn’t really concerned about that. He asks if Liam’s going to hit him again. Liam thinks he deserves worse for cheating on his mom and naively tells him she’s going to leave him soon enough. Unfortunately, they’re closer than ever. So close that Papa John’s sending her on a spa vacation to Europe. He and Liam will have the house all to themselves. I don’t know, but something in John Schneider’s delivery makes it sound like he’s going to get all prison rapey on Liam. Yowch.

Casa Wilson. It’s dinnertime! Tonight we’re having awkward silence and Stove Top. Becky breaks the tension by asking Harry how his day was. Annie can’t take it and asks to be excused.

Upstairs, Dixon calls Ivy to cancel their plans. Hey…I thought Harry said no cell phones? He tells her he’s grounded but doesn’t give her a reason why. Annie stops by to talk about Harry and Becky but Dixon cuts her off. He had a bad day and doesn’t want to talk.

Over at the carriage house, Liam finds his dad working on the boat and shows him these…

Big Daddy thinks it’s going to take more than magic beans 30¢ to open a tackle shop. They’re actually coins from Papa John’s collection and they’re worth $10K. He took them because he can’t stay there anymore. He gives the coins to Big Daddy and tells him to use the money to open the tackle shop and get his own place. Is $10K really all it takes to open a business? Does Liam expect him to be able to accomplish that by the time his mom goes to Europe? Where is Big Daddy living now? So many questions…

Casa Wilson. Annie calls Liam and gets his voice mail. She leaves a long, needy message that she ends up deleting. He calls back and she lies that she must have accidentally called him. They hang up and stare off longingly into space.

The next day, Naomi picks up some smoothies at the Beach Club. Why the Beach Club? Probably because there aren’t like 10 Jamba Juices between her house and the school. But it’s mostly so Jen can emerge from the shadows to scare the shit out of Naomi.

Looks like Jen is the new owner of the Beach Club. She and Olivier reconciled and he bought it for her as a wedding present. She’s back in LA and she’s back with a vengeance. Naomi’s so upset she leaves without her smoothies. What a waste.

West Bev. Dixon and Ivy arrive for the SATs. She wonders if he was blowing her off last night. He reassures her he wasn’t and doesn’t elaborate but tells her things at home are bad. He tells her he really likes her…and then blows her off when he sees Mark.

Mark asks if Dixon’s got his money. He didn’t get the test and is out $6K so I guess he’s gotta get something. Dixon thinks he held up his part of the deal by getting him into the school, besides Mark is lucky he’s not expelled. Then, like the dumb ass we all know and hate, he tells Mark about the security tapes and how Harry covered it all up. Maybe Harry should have been more specific and told him not to tell ANYBODY, not just his friends. Someone as thick headed as Dixon obviously needs those distinctions. Mark thinks that little information is going to come in handy one day.

In the closing montage, we get shots of our gang settling in for the test among the uglier members of the student body.

Simi walks over to Silver. He asks if they’re OK. They’re not. EYE ROLL! Goddamn this bitch is high maintenance. How are we expected to root for this relationship when they make Silver such a psycho hose beast. So his dad doesn’t know about you, big deal! Has Simi met Mel? Does Silver even talk to Mel?! GAH!

Liam walks in and catches Annie staring at him.

Naomi walks in completely dazed. She sits. The exam begins as Naomi sits there devastated.

Fin.