*** Here is another blast from the past. Please welcome the gorgeous and talented O.Snapp!
“Come on, cuddle with me. Just for a sec.”
Well kids, we all know that after spending a whole day driving around in circles in the mall parking lot, sucking in the fumes of twelve cars ahead of and behind you all looking for that perfect spot (or any spot at all), narrowly avoiding wayward rugrats who’ve darted into traffic, then finally braving the Christmas shopping storm in the mall itself (complete with screaming children, eons-long lines, and reheated fried chicken from the food court), the only thing you want to do is come home, make some microwaveable macaroni and cheese, and watch a holiday classic: the story of two outcasts who may or may not be engaging in a homosexual and/or bestial relationship. In the North Pole. It’s “Rudolph The Red-Nosed Reindeer!”
Luckily, we avoided this version of Burl Ives.
A roly-poly mustachio’ed snowman who looks an awful lot like Burl Ives waddles around a snow-covered lea with an umbrella. Now I ask you: who the hell carries an umbrella in the snow? Anyway, Fat-Ass Sam, as I call him, shows us around Christmastown, an adorable but wacky village in the North Pole. They’ve got talking snowmen, talking reindeer, and even Christmas seals. (?) And you know no Christmas village would be complete without a decorated forest.
How many indentured elves did it take to decorate this forest?
The ruler of the land, apparently, is Santa, who lives with his old lady in a modest castle on the hill. They’re like your Polish grandparents – they’re rotund, speak with a weird accent and Granny harps on Grampy to eat more while they call each other “Poppa” and “Mamma.”
“I love it when you call me Big Poppa.”
But something tells me Gramps would rather just sit in his La-Z-Boy, have some whiskey and call it a night. Don’t worry though, Fat-Ass Sam assures us that Santa will be as fat-ass as himself by Christmas Eve. “He does this every year.” What, starve himself all year round only to gain all the weight back overnight? I bet he could qualify for “Everyday Woman” status on “Project Runway.”
Fat-Ass Sam keeps yammerin’ on about some insane Nor’Easter blizzard they got a few years back and shivering to himself. Okay, Uncle Crazy, we get it. Bad storm. There must be something more interesting that we could talk about than the weather. How about those Yankees? Err…. seen any good movies lately? Uhhh… how are your snowballs doing today? No? Nothing else? Fine, tell us the goddamn snow story. Just wait a sec while I get MY whiskey. Uh oh, this involves characters who break into song? Make it a double.