Rudie, The Reindeer Who Goes Down… In History

Recaps

By O. Snapp | Sunday, December 23, 2012 | 10:00 am | 11 Comments
Posted in: Christmas Specials, Featured, Recaps

The story begins in a cave not far from the modest castle, in the home of Donner and his little wifey, who just gave birth to an adorable fawn. Despite the puddle of animal placenta in the corner, Mrs. Donner looks surprisingly fresh for having just popped one out. These two are basically the Cleavers of the North Pole: she’s demure, wide-eyed and spineless, he’s gruff and emotionally unavailable. Gotta love the family dynamics of the 1950s.

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Bet he beats her with his antlers when she pisses him off.

 

 

 

 

The wee one, named Rudolph for those of you who couldn’t figure out what this fucking recap is about, is cute and all frail and can’t stand up and stuff. There’s just one problem: he’s got a zit so big on his nose that it has overtaken the entire schnoz. You could even say it glows.

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Who stole my maraschino?

 

 

 

 

Rudolph speaks his first words right out of the womb, but they’re overshadowed by the blaring tackiness of that thing on his face. Don’t sweat it, kid. First words aren’t usually very eloquent anyway.

Santa drops by unannounced and explains that he’s just out for a walk to get away from that wench of a wife. He instantly remarks on Rudie’s honker and threatens to cut him off from his super-important sleigh team. I’m pretty sure that’s workplace discrimination.

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“You put this on, I’ll get the gimp mask and whip.”

 

 

 

 

While he sings a song about being the King Of Ding-A-Lings, Donner hatches a wild plan to solve their problem: He’ll just hide it! Good one, Donner! Maybe you should consider a career move to the CIA planning the invasions of foreign embassies. He scrounges up some mud to mold over Rudie’s nose and declares that his son will be just like everyone else. Way to encourage diversity, Dad. Though I have to admit, Rudolph DOES suddenly look a lot hotter.

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I’d tap that.

 

 

 

 

Over the next year, Papa Donner shows Rudie how to do all sorts of manly things, like fly on the sleigh team, fight off enemies, and score some fine-looking does. He also teaches him to be scared of a large, hairy monster that can’t speak properly.

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Wrong monster.

 

 

 

 

What, too soon? On Christmas Eve, we meet Santa’s hard-working slaves. Can you guess which one is the oddball?

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While the other elves work efficiently and uniformly, Hermie, an emo kid with a lisp, an oral fixation, and probably some daddy issues of his own, dawdles along with his red wagon. Before long, the chief elf comes over to yell mercilessly at him like a drunken, abusive father who just slipped on a Micro Machine. What’s with all the angry papas in this story, anyway? Is that just how grown men showed their affection in the Claymation 1950s?

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11 Comments

  1. 1
    RLR123
    Posted December 18, 2007 at 7:44 am

    This was the funniest recap I have ever read. I had to stop and compose myself at least 4 times since I am working. Very funny, thanks for the entertainment!

  2. 2
    lexxi1129
    Posted December 18, 2007 at 9:02 am

    OMG! I will never look at Rudolph the same again – so funny!

    Thanks for making my day, O.Snapp!

  3. 3
    fire@will
    Posted December 18, 2007 at 9:41 am

    Another traditional movie I’ll never have to watch again!

    Ho, ho, hilarious!

    Thanks!

  4. 4
    MargotTenenbaum
    Posted December 18, 2007 at 10:59 am

    O. Snapp – awesome. Just plain awesome.

    I’m snorting and guffawing to beat the band here at my desk.

  5. 5
    weejie
    Posted December 18, 2007 at 2:18 pm

    That was just awesome! Laugh out loud funny. Thanks O. Snapp!

  6. 6
    trey
    Posted December 18, 2007 at 4:31 pm

    they have actually been playing this movie over and over again in the mall’s foodcourt where I work. 8D; And I sat down and watched a bit when I was on break the other day. Ah, my childhood. O. Snapp, thanks for killing it!

    I kid. I laughed many-a times.

    Though, I always wonder who, in their right mind, would want to be a dentist… want to look down childrens’ (and adults’) throats when they have decay or bad breath. WRY. I always ask my dentist or his assistants what possessed them. It turns out it was their dream to love oral hygiene. So, some people do like that shit. But not me.

  7. 7
    ItsLikeKissingAPeanut
    Posted December 18, 2007 at 5:43 pm

    That was Crantastic. Totally the best. Thanks so much!

  8. 8
    VolGirl
    Posted December 19, 2007 at 5:44 am

    I was really dreading coming into work today; but I decided to check out the ‘gasm since I hadn’t in a couple of days. Good gracious I’m glad I did! That had to be the funniest crap I’ve read in a long time.

    However, trying to stifle laughs while drinking cappucino with a stuffed up nose is not recommended. Especially if your assistant already thinks youre a nutball to begin with.

    Thanks, O. Snapp! You made my Wednesday. Probably the rest of the week, too.

  9. 9
    MandaMo
    Posted December 26, 2008 at 8:48 am

    omg! I am SO glad that this recap was dug up and re-published! I remember DYING the first time I read it last year, and it still kills me!

  10. 10
    Reiray
    Posted December 30, 2008 at 1:12 pm

    Thank you for reposting this! I still remembered this recap from last year but got to laugh at it all over again! The pictures made it all the more funny! Thanks again!

  11. 11
    Classy Drunk Classy Drunk
    Posted December 24, 2012 at 5:26 pm

    This shit is so freakin funny…I am doubled over but I can’t tell my overly religious mom that I’m laughing at a story about Christmas with cussing in it.

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