The story begins in a cave not far from the modest castle, in the home of Donner and his little wifey, who just gave birth to an adorable fawn. Despite the puddle of animal placenta in the corner, Mrs. Donner looks surprisingly fresh for having just popped one out. These two are basically the Cleavers of the North Pole: she’s demure, wide-eyed and spineless, he’s gruff and emotionally unavailable. Gotta love the family dynamics of the 1950s.
Bet he beats her with his antlers when she pisses him off.
The wee one, named Rudolph for those of you who couldn’t figure out what this fucking recap is about, is cute and all frail and can’t stand up and stuff. There’s just one problem: he’s got a zit so big on his nose that it has overtaken the entire schnoz. You could even say it glows.
Who stole my maraschino?
Rudolph speaks his first words right out of the womb, but they’re overshadowed by the blaring tackiness of that thing on his face. Don’t sweat it, kid. First words aren’t usually very eloquent anyway.
Santa drops by unannounced and explains that he’s just out for a walk to get away from that wench of a wife. He instantly remarks on Rudie’s honker and threatens to cut him off from his super-important sleigh team. I’m pretty sure that’s workplace discrimination.
“You put this on, I’ll get the gimp mask and whip.”
While he sings a song about being the King Of Ding-A-Lings, Donner hatches a wild plan to solve their problem: He’ll just hide it! Good one, Donner! Maybe you should consider a career move to the CIA planning the invasions of foreign embassies. He scrounges up some mud to mold over Rudie’s nose and declares that his son will be just like everyone else. Way to encourage diversity, Dad. Though I have to admit, Rudolph DOES suddenly look a lot hotter.
I’d tap that.
Over the next year, Papa Donner shows Rudie how to do all sorts of manly things, like fly on the sleigh team, fight off enemies, and score some fine-looking does. He also teaches him to be scared of a large, hairy monster that can’t speak properly.
What, too soon? On Christmas Eve, we meet Santa’s hard-working slaves. Can you guess which one is the oddball?
While the other elves work efficiently and uniformly, Hermie, an emo kid with a lisp, an oral fixation, and probably some daddy issues of his own, dawdles along with his red wagon. Before long, the chief elf comes over to yell mercilessly at him like a drunken, abusive father who just slipped on a Micro Machine. What’s with all the angry papas in this story, anyway? Is that just how grown men showed their affection in the Claymation 1950s?