Hammer, don’t hurt him.
To this, Emo Elf decides to run away and escapes out the back window with nothing but his dentistry textbook in hand. Won’t he need a change of pointy shoes or something?
Back at the Team Santa tryouts, everyone’s playing reindeer games and Rudie catches the attention of a cute little doe named Clarice. Dude, I’m warning you, don’t do it. When she finds out you don’t actually have a black snout… well, let’s just say it’ll be as sad as when a boy gets to second base and realizes you’re wearing a padded bra. Disappointment city.
But he doesn’t listen to me. They chat it up and she’s complimentary and shy… just like Rudies’ mom. They’ll make a great couple, as soon as Rudolph learns to be an unforgiving asshole. Through his muzzle, he talks with that same stuffed-up speech impediment that Whitney from “The Hills” has. Clarice calls him out on it but says it’s okay, actually it’s kinda cute. Our young buck gets so excited he pops the reindeer equivalent of a boner: he flies.
“She thinks I’b cuuuute!”
But in all the excitement his mud muzzle falls off and everyone flips their shit. What, you’ve never seen a kid with a pimple before? Everyone shuns him, including Coach Santa. What a dick.
As Rudolph tries to run away, sweetheart Clarice sings to him about making dreams come true or some corny shit. At least she didn’t write him off like a normal popular girl would. Sadly for our young lovers, this is the Land of Abrasive Father Figures (but you can call it Christmastown) and her papa stomps over and demands that she never see this punk kid again.
Out of nowhere pops up our Emo Elf and the two make a pact that they don’t need anyone. Except each other.
Rudolph… watch your back.
They run away together but HELLOOOO! This is the fucking North Pole here! How far do you think a fawn and a gay midget could get without parental supervision? I say they take twenty paces to the right before having to sell their bodies to a local strip club, but fortunately for them, they’re soon found by Yukon Cornelius, a (yep!) abrasive mountain man who’s deluded into thinking there’s gold in them thar hills. He carries a gun down the front of his pants and yells at his dogs. Hmm. Sounds a lot like my Uncle Patty, except for his fleece hat from The Gap.
“I do solemnly swear to pay too much for boring clothes.”
Before long, the Abominable Snowman finds them and starts screaming and gesturing wildly at them. Perhaps he was trying to flag them down for help – maybe his Abominapartment was on fire. Maybe he was trying to warn them about a pack of rabid wolves creeping up behind them. Who knows. In any case, the three are scared shitless because he’s big and hairy. The only thing that allows them to escape is a floating iceberg.