Game of Thrones: Put Your Sister to the Test

Sorrrryyy for the delay! I promise this week’s will be on time and that this one will be extra funny.

Previously..

Tyrion’s the new Hand of the King, since grandpa Tywin doesn’t trust little butthead Joffrey.
Daenerys sends her horse dudes to go find something that is not desert.
Jon is stuck in a snowy incest house.
Robert’s big crusty bro Stannis wants to be king.
Theon wants Robb to work with his family, the Greyjoys, cause they need his ships to win.
All of Robert’s bastards got killed, except the one who got away and is riding around with Arry/Arya.

Love these credits! We’re getting more new places this season – Dragonstone, Pyke.

Arya

This episode opens on Arry, rocking some Bieber hair, hanging by a stream, where she’s surreptitiously peeing in the hopes that none will notice she doesn’t have a peen.

bieber with an actual fever (like medically)

Some creepy prisoners – apparently not Night’s Watch volunteers, per say – start messing with Arya. One’s nice but creepy, the other’s are just creepy. I assume they’ll be important at some point.
Some King’s Watch guys roll up with an arrest warrant. Arry thinks it’s for her, but it’s really for Gendry – they want to kill the last bastard, since he could have a claim to the throne. Jory awesomely defends his ragtag band of misfits by threatening to chop off the King’s Watch guys peen if he doesn’t back off. His blade is sharp enough to “shave a spider’s ass”, so it should pull a Bobbit just fine.

The little rascals in Arry’s troop are discussing whether to sell out Gendry and what armor means.
Another great line:
Gendry: “You shouldn’t insult people bigger than you.”
Arry: “Then I wouldn’t get to insult anyone.”
Gendry also reveals that he knows Arry is really a girl. Arya fills him on some more deets – she’s a fugitive, and a highborn lady, and all that. I’m not sure why she told him, are they really bff’s already?

The Lannisters

Tyrion is all happy to head back to his secret love nest… until he discovers Varys the Spider chatting up his illicit woman. Not great, since grandpa Tywin forbid Tyrion to bring her to King’s Landing.

The least subtle exchange ever…
Tyrion: “You should taste her fish pie.”
Illicit hooker: “I don’t think Lord Varys likes fish pie.”
Varys: “How can you tell?”
Illicit hooker: “I can always tell.”

Things get even less subtle as Varys mentions Tywin’s prohibition on female accompaniment. Of course, Varys won’t mention it to anyone else, since he and Tyrion are such “good friends.”

Cersei rips up Robb’s peace offer; there shall be no independent king in the north! Cercest must have it all. There’s also news from the north – a King Beyond the Wall is rising, along with the dead, and the Night’s Watch wants more men. Cersei doesn’t believe all of the zombie talk, and wants to keep all the men for herself.

Tyrion’s having some noms with the former captain of the City Watch, Lord Janis, who’s now a lord. Tyrion starts an awkward talk about Janis’ recent babykilling spree. The little chat culminates with Tyrion sending Janis off to the Wall to serve on the Night’s Watch. I’m not sure exactly why this happens… he’s a traitor? Isn’t everyone in King’s Landing a traitor?

Cersei’s p.o.’d that Tyrion sent baby killer Janys away. Tyrion has a hearts and minds plan, which involves disrupting the  “the queen slaughters babies” rumor. Actually, Cersei didn’t order the baby killing – it was Joffrey. Kid on kid killing. Very Hunger Games. Very now. Cersei’s still mad at Tyrion for killing their mother on his way out of her uterus. Yes, that is much more culpable than sending soldiers to murder babies. Mkkkkay.

Daenerys

Back in the wicked boring dessert, a horse is galloping to a very demoralized and sweaty Daenerys. At first it seems to be missing a rider, but it’s only missing most of his body. The head’s in there. I’m pretty sure it’s the hot one, too. Damnittt! This grossness was probably committed by some other sexist Dothraki tribes.

The Iron Islands

Theon, meanwhile, is returning home to the Iron Islands, where he hasn’t been since his father rebelled.

blind man sniffs the ocean and says “hello, ladies!”

Time for some sexposition! Wives are for breeding, salt wives are for boning, Iron islands guys are assholes. Theon thinks he’s going to have an awesome welcome, being the prodigal son and all. Really there’s just a bunch of crusty old fishermen hanging around the dock. Theon gets a ride back to the castle from a tough looking blonde hottie, who he immediately grossly hits on, obviously. He even grabs her boobies while riding behind her. Dang, that boy moves fast.

Dude! Theon greets his papa. Did he just say “fracking?” Yes! Papa Greyjoy is immediately sassy, calling Theon’s outfit girly, especially since he didn’t rip the clothes off of someone he killed. Theon claims his blood is still salt  and iron, but papa’s thinks he’s a Stark now. The Greyjoys can have him.

Wait – what was that? Was there one family in the Game of Thrones universe who wasn’t incesting? That’s right, the girl Theon was fingering on horseback is in fact his sister. Awesome. Ok, that was disgusting, but Kiara (sp?) is a boss. The dad wants her to lead their army instead. Boom.

This is unrelated, but I have never been as happy to take off someone’s pants as this ship hooker was to get at Theon’s peen:

i think i’m doing it wrong

Littlefinger

Best transition ever: From doggy style on a boat to reverse cowgirl in a brothel. This episode is really not for the kids. These gratuitous sex scenes are courtesy of Littlefinger spying on his customers. He is interrupted by an unhappy customer, whose coitus was rudely interrupted by his girl beginning to cry. Littlefinger promptly replaces her with another girl – after wiping what appears to be some jizz off the corner of her mouth. Whoa dude, whoa.

The crying girl is not the one who got her baby murdered last week, but actually the madame, who’s haunted by it. The baby murder was quite “poorly handled” according to Littlefinger. He tells the madam the very comforting story of another crying girl. She wasn’t making Littlefinger any money, so he sold her away to be sexually tortured. Whoa dude, whoa.

Stannis

Stannis’ minion Davos is trying to get his former pirate bro, Saladar, on his side. Saladar’s in, as long as he gets to fuck the queen if they win. (Not rape, fuck. He’s very persuasive.)
(Backstory: Davos was a pirate; Stannis chopped off his fingers; Davos works for Stannis now and is pretty much obsessed with him. Also, his son is a religious twerp.)

Melisandre and Stannis are having a little mystical war strategy meeting. I guess in order to win the war, he has to do it with Melisandre, cause that’s religious or something. So we’re supposed to believe they haven’t done it yet? Stannis is that upstanding? The sex isn’t enough to tempt Stannis ,or history, but the idea of having a son is, so they get down and dirty on the war strategy table thing.

number 17: the spreadeagle.

Beyond the Wall

Little fatty Sam is jealous of all the incesting going on in Craster Cabin. He gets his shot to actually talk to a lady when Jon’s wolf threatens one of the daughter/wives.

nice doggie!

He shoes the wolf away and gets to be called brave. Good thing he’s wearing all those furs to cover the epic boner that he just popped. Sam, following his boner like any good 20 year old virgin, wants to help the girl (Gilly) escape, since her dad/husband Craster will dispose of it if it’s a boy. Jon shoots them both down – doing the right thing is too risky. Hmph. Sam also has the most feministy line that will probably ever be seen on this show:
“You can’t steal her! She’s a person, not a goat.”

i would say that’s debatable. incest does strange things to the genes.

Later, Jon sees a man going out into the darkness with a little baby. He starts hearing some growly crinkly scary sounds in the woods, and sees the man return sans baby. (Hey remember how this still happens in real life but people kill girl babies instead?) He runs towards the crying baby to save it, just in time to see some mysterious creature pick it up and.. what? Eat it? It sound eat-y to me. At that moment  Craster appears beyond Jon and knocks him out cold.

Man, this was not a good time to be a man-baby or any kind of lady. No sign of Joffrey, Catelyn, Robb, Sansa or Jaime this week, but that’s okay cause I like these characters better! Plus this was clearly a baby killing/incest themed episode, so those guys just don’t fit in.