Game of Thrones Recap

Previously… read my last recap, it’s not that long.

The Gayborhood

Open on a windy tent, where Renly is agreeing to let Robb be the King of the North – provided he swears fealty to King Renly. They can be nice happy allies, just like Robert and Ned. Renly’s next step is to kick the crap out of Stannis’ army.  Catelyn would prefer peace, but Renly’s not having it  – Stannis too much of a douche.
Whiiiich turns out to be right, as just then Melisandre’s vagina diarrhea smoke demon flies in and stabs Renly right in the heart.

Stannis just literally… well, through an agent…stabbed his brother in the back.

Obviously Catelyn and Brienne, who is there as his guard, are like WTF. And of course since nobody believes that Renly was killed by flying diarrhea, Renly’s guards go right after Brienne. And of course because Brienne is a MOTHAFUCKING BADASS, she takes them all down in about thirty seconds. Great scene. And then she immediately returns to mourning Renly. Catelyn is the logical ones as usual and tells Brienne to GTFO, since they’ll hang her either for killing Renly or for killing all his guards.
Cut to a very sad Loras It sounds like these two had been boyfriends for awhile. They were both entitled douches, but it’s still sad. Margaery wants to run home to Highgarden, since she’s presumably unimpregnated, and even if she was Stannis would probably send a diarrhea monster to eat her baby. Littlefinger also thinks they should run – Stannis’ ships are on the horizon. Margaery and Littlefinger have exactly the same discussion Catelyn and Brienne just had about not being able to get revenge when you’re dead.
(PS, my hamster is currently dying of wet tail and I’m super upset and also I’m in the middle of law school finals and writing a paper about child molesters. So if I’m a little cranker this week that’s why.)
Loras stalks off, leaving Margaery and Littlefinger alone. “Do you want to be a queen?” he asks. “No. I want to be THE queen.” Boss.

Incestopia
At King’s Landing, Cersei is toasting Renly’s death. Tyrion’s trying to have some real talk about how Renly’s army will now join Stannis, which means Stannis is going to come kick some Lannister ass. Cersei’s really having a hard time with the listening comprehension; she thinks their gold will save them. Also, Joffrey’s heading the siege preparation. Comforting!

Although Tyrion advanced three plots for Myrcella’s marriage last week, I guess he’s sticking to the one Cersei actually found out about – sending her to Dorne. (Is that the one he preferred? I didn’t realize he actually intended to do any of the plans.) He claims to actually care about her safety. “Myrcella’s a sweet innocent girl and I don’t blame her at all for you.”

Tyrion and his incesting cousin Lancel are having a secret meeting in a basket or something. Since Cersei wouldn’t share the siege plans, Tyrion’s getting it out of his little spy. According to Lancel, Cersei is having the pyromancers (fire dudes?) brew a majillion barrels of “wildfire,” which they will throw over the wall at Stannis’ ships. Tyrion has some great lines this week.
Lancel: “I swear to you on my life.”
Tyrion: But I don’t care about your life!”
Later, Tyrion is touring King’s Landing, full of vagrants and peasants and is that a horse with a hat on its head?

It’s not but it looks like it so I’m putting it in anyway.

Tyrion is concerned about defending the city, and also because he hasn’t heard from Papa Tywin in awhile. He comes upon a crazy, apocalypse-is-coming type who is talking shit about Cersei, Jaime, and Joffrey. He’s all for it until the guy says Joffrey is “dancing to the tune of a demon monkey,” which would be Tyrion. Do they not see him right there? Are there that many well-dressed fancy dwarfs running around? In an admirable turn of events for a Lannister, he doesn’t have the crazy dude immediately beheaded. That’s why we love you, Tyrion.
Tyrion’s down in a creepy dungeon looking at green jars of wildfire. WIlfire melts wood, stone, steel… and of course.. flesh. Apparently it’s been secretly been preserved since the dragons died, and is really freakin scary. There is also a realllll big room full of it. As in 7,000 barrels. Tyrion’s and his sellsword are scared king’s Landing soldiers will fuck up and burn their own city down. So, rather than have the pyromancers stop making it, Tyrion says they are now making it for HIM, not Cersei.

The Neighborhood formerly known as Gay
At Stannis’ camp, Davos is still freaking out about the diarrhea monster. He wants a straight answer from Stannis about what happened to Renly, but Stannis doesn’t want to talk about it. Davos thinks magical fratricide is real bad n stuff. He also thinks listening to a diarrhea birthing red foreign weird religious lady is not good, and that the people of King’s Landing won’t accept her. Davos also worries she might have some ulterior motives. What? You don’t think Stannis is a jesus figure? (My guess: she is secretly preparing Westeros for Daenerys’ return by getting all the kings to destroy each other. She’s the fire lady; Daenerys has the dragons.)
Davos kinda wins the argument: Melisandre won’t come with the fleet to take King’s Landing. But Davos has to lead the sea attack. Ouch.

Dyke (doesn’t need a funny name)
Theon’s all excited to get his new ship… until he meets his new crew. They don’t really want a captain; they’ve been “raping and reaving” since foreverz.

reavers fo life (firefly anyone???)

He’s definitely going to have a hard time with the bossing situation. They definitely don’t respect him at all. Not sure if this is a general authority thing, or just a Theon thing. His sis rolls in at the last minute to rub her thirty ships in his face and extol the loyalty of her crew. I would also feel bad for Theon if he wasn’t such a misogynist bulldog looking fucker. He does have one sympathetic crew member, his first mate. Theon learns his first lesson in actually being an Iron Islander – do whatever the fuck you want. Him and his first mate make a real mean plan about taking some castle and then killing the Winterfell people who come to defend it.

Harrenhell
Tywin is fed up with his war counselors for underestimating Robb Stark and waiting for him to fail. He wants to engage in some direct ass-kicking. After divining that Arya was a girl last week, Tywin also realizes she is a northerner, and asks what they saw in the north about Robb. She lays down some sweet mythology about Robb riding a dire wolf into battle, or even turning into one. Poor Arya, serving water to a a Lannister while her bro gets all the glory.

She does have some power,though…mysterious murdering power! She saved this mysterious prisoner – The Man – from his burning cage (I wonder what he did to get in there?), and her prize is three deaths. She saved the three prisoners from the Red God (a la Melisandre?) and now she gets to pick three to die.

sexiest murderer on the block

First up? The torturer – the Ticker. Really Arya? Three deaths and you couldn’t think of anyone better? I didn’t hear any geographical limits in here. Like maybe… Joffrey Cersei and Jaime? Maybe rotate a Tywin in instead? No? We’re going small time? Ok.

Alaska
All up in the snowy land, Sam is expositing the story of “The First of the First Men,” where the Night’s Watch is staying the night awaiting the return of the ranger Qhoren Halfhand.

marching around  in a disgruntled fashion.

According to Qhoren, all the wildlings have joined with Mance Rayder, former Night’s Watch member and now rebel leader. Qhoren wants to act like wildlings, sneaking around guerrilla style; they’ve got to take out the wildling scouts first. Jon volunteers to go along with the small sneaky murder party.

Less Gay Athens

In Qarth, Daenerys is teaching her dragons how to do little fires with her Dothraki slave and her former sex slave slave, who vaguely reminds me of Ellen Pompeo.

aww learning how to kill things

The slaves get in a little tiff about Xaro, who I believe is the very large rich black men who let her into Qarth. Should she marry him? Is he a savior or is Daenerys just being sold again? Does Daenerys need his money or authority, or should she continue as a queen in her own right? Hmm.  Daenerys then heads down to a little garden party, where her Dothraki men can’t think about anything but strategies for pillaging the city. One of her bloodriders has a hilarious moment where he grabs a goblet of wine of a platter, then empties it so he can look at the cup.

Daenerys is then greeted by… ahhhh.. a scary zombie warlock who wants to invite her to “The House of the Undying”.

TOM RIDDLE

Um okay. Another creepy person comes out of the woodwork to warn Jorah to protect Daenerys from the powerful of Qarth, who are gonna want to steal her dragons.

kinky? maybe? high class hajib? i dont know

Xaro straight up asks Daenerys how long Jorah has been in love with her, but she denies it. He also asks why she wants the Iron Throne. Cause it’s hers, duh! Now what is Xaro’s angle? He wants her to marry him, and he’ll give her all the money to buy ships and soldiers and crap to win the Seven Kingdoms back. Jorah, obvy, doesn’t like this plan. It’s not cautious enough. He thinks she needs some hearts and minds support from Westeros first. He gives a long pretty speech about how she’s the perfect ruler with a gentle heart, so she needs to wait for the perfect time to get the throne. He convinces her, but she’s not happy about it.

Some Woods
Catelyn and Brienne are hiding out in the woods, debating whether the diarrhea shadow looked like Stannis. They’re riding to Robb’s camp, then to Winterfell; Catelyn wants to see her babies. (Brienne, shockingly, never had a mom – no female role model.) Brienne offers to serve Catelyn, as long as Catelyn allows her to kill Stannis when the time comes. She admires Catelyn’s “woman’s kind of courage,” and swears loyalty to Catelyn. I guess Catelyn was in the market for a new daughter, anyway.

Too Boring To Have a Funny Name, aka Winterfell
Bran’s doin the usual: listening to old lords complain about being undefended. Finally something exciing happened: Torrin Square (wtf is that?) is under siege by some Lannister sellswords or something. Bran sends pretty much all the men he has to go save them. Is that really Theon’s attack? I’m not sure. Bran’s still wondering about the three-eyed raven from his dreams, and a new one: the sea rising to Winterfell, waves crashing over the gates and drowning everyone. Yikes. By Osha’s “protesting too much” and running away immediately, I assume this dreams going to come true. In a metaphorical sense. By Theon. Get it?

Harrenhell again

Arya’s teaching sexy Gendry how to hold a sword when BOOM – the Tickler falls from a high wall and cracks his head open. The Man’s first victim has been claimed. And I shall leave you with this lovely image, and feel free to just not think about how old this character is supposed to be