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Hey, Gasmii! It’s time for a recap! But first, let’s get into the Reader Mailbag.
Thanks to everyone who comments on these recaps. I really love hearing what you say! And for the second time in this series, I am adopting a nickname you thought up. Yes, by popular request Taylor is now Zygote! And as we’ll see in this ep, that continues to perfectly describe his maturity level.
2hyper, I agree with you. A hag isn’t necessary. Just show the guys!
Moving into our second bonus feature: the wonder features of Coca-Cola. kthxbai, thanks for mentioning the properties of Coke. I totally forgot about my great aunt, who was in her 80′s when I was a kid. She told me that she was on a train once and had a glass of Pepsi, which spilled on the windowsill and ate right through the paint. So there we have it, scientific proof that Coke/Pepsi will eat through anything. And more than just paint. This site http://listverse.com/2010/07/03/top-10-unusual-uses-for-coca-cola/ says Coke will eat through rust and black carbon on pots too. I don’t like the “kill bugs” recommendation though because I like snails and such. And I don’t like killing living things. Apart from some of the people on A-List: Dallas, that is . . .
And now, our third bonus feature: Ashley’s former life. Well, 2009 anyway. I was wondering why Ashley was so familiar-looking, and then I realized she tried out for the Dallas Cowboys Cheerleaders on the CMT show Making the Team. Before you say anything, those DCC gals are athletes! And pure as the driven snow! They’re America’s Sweethearts! And almost all white despite the diverse racial makeup of our country! So every year I am super excited to learn who makes the team . . . and who is just not good enough for some unfathomable reason known only to the DCC Director. Here’s Ashley’s Training Camp group. Oh yeah, the DCC has a Training Camp! DCC brings it!
These outfits are just too covered up. What are we, Amish?
So I guess that’s where Ashley got all the great dance moves she showed us in ep 2.
On to the recap!
We open with Levi talking with Micah at Prestige Model Management, about a party for Inchwear. Levi wants models there. Well, that does make sense, it’s an underwear company. Micah put out an open call, and guys come in dressed in Inchwear and a shirt, which they are almost immediately asked to remove (the shirt, that is). I got the distinct impression that if Micah had left the room, Levi would have immediately reinstated the casting couch. Especially when he said looking at the models was like being in a car lot and wanting to drive them all. Rico Suave!
One of the models asks what was the meaning of the number on the underwear. The underwear in the Inchwear line. With inches on it. Yep, models are real rocket scientists, aren’t they?
You know who’s a real rocket scientist, winner of the 2011 Nobel Prize in Physics? This guy. His name is Saul Perlmutter, he’s an astrophysicist, and I used to live in the same building as he did.
I may be sorta nerdy, but I have a Nobel Prize and you don’t.
Moving on, we come to Phillip and Chore, who are in a salon. Phillip talks about his Inchwear photo shoot. Poor Phillip, he doesn’t yet know that his spirit will be crushed for the second time in two weeks. Then they both share the pretty disgusting fact that they like to go commando. As Phillip says, “free ballin”. Wasn’t that a Tom Petty song?
And I’m a bad boy, cause I’m not wearin’ underwear/I’m a bad boy for goin’ all bare/And I’m free, I’m free ballin’
Phillip has apparently never been under a dryer before. I totally cannot believe that. Chore says this is what their lives have become, they’re old women. That’s pretty funny, actually.
Now we can be Golden Girls together!
Phillip says that Zygote and Levi are “canoodling on the side” and, because he’s that kind of guy, asks Chore how that makes him feel. Chore says it makes him feel kind of sick. Right with ya there, pal. Chore also thinks Levi is desperate. Phillip says Zygote told him he and Levi are trying to keep it a secret. Phillip then asks what kind of relationship is that where you don’t tell anybody you two are together?
Let’s just tap. That’s more subtle.
Chore shares that he knows better than to tell Phillip what he really thinks. And Chore rises yet again in my estimation. He goes on to say that the Zygote-Levi hookup is just “summer sex”. Phillip says oh no, Zygote says it’s all serious. Chore says that Zygote is Levi’s little play toy. Like a chicken.
Let’s stop right there. Are chickens commonly toys in Texas? Do those children not have any kind of real toys? Does Chore mean a fake chicken, like a rubber one? And doesn’t he mean a rooster because Zygote is a man? Well, no because he goes on to say that as soon as Zygote lays his egg, Levi will find a new chicken. This is probably the weirdest analogy ever. I get what Chore means, but . . .
Like this, Chore? Hey – do chickens lay eggs out of their butts or is this just a weird drawing? And why is the egg smiling? Ew. The hen appears to be saying “bock bock” which of course sounds like c–k so perhaps that’s why Chore is confused.
Chore then says he’s not going down that (Levi) road again. Then, incredibly, Phillip asks Chore not to mention anything about Zygote-Levi. Really, Phillip? Have you met the kettle yet?
We now go to Levi and Zygote, who are walking Zygote’s dogs. Zygote says he’ll have to miss the Inchwear party, because he’ll be in DC for work. Levi’s response is not more than a grunt. So he’ll really miss you, Zyg. Hurry back. Zygote then asks Levi where they stand. O M G That’s the freakin kiss of death! Zyg says last time they dated it was monogamous, but it’s different now because he knows Levi and Chore have hung out. Jealous with no cause. That’ll win you points, Zygote. Through this, Levi is texting. Because he COULD NOT CARE LESS. Yet ace politician Zygote misses the unmistakable signs of a guy who DOES NOT CARE and tells Levi he doesn’t like the texting. Levi shares he doesn’t want to feel pressured.
Zygote asks Levi how he sees things going. Levi says he’s not seeing anyone else; Zygote says he’s not either, “so we’re boyfriends now”. Are you in 5th grade?? Because you sure sound like it. Levi dances around that by using the term “monogamously dating” to mean the “segue between dating and boyfriends” and congratulates himself for being so quick on his feet. He then abruptly changes the subject. Levi shares that he hates Zygote keeping everyone on a leash. Well, you won’t have to worry about that for long, given how you’re going to act at the party . . .
Commercial. We return to Levi and Johnny, a party planner – hey, what happened to Donnie? Oh, bad memories. But that doesn’t keep you from throwing a pool party, did it? Levi shares a brilliant idea he has had. He is going to dress the models up in gorilla costumes, which they will then strip off. Johnny says something about evolution. The evolution of what? How is the guy buying your clothes supposed to relate to this? He’s a gorilla?
As we’ll see later, Levi is also incorporating bananas into his theme. Perhaps he was thinking of this, which incorporates both evolution and bananas:
There’s your target audience, Levi.
Levi and Johnny discuss the guest list: his “regular friends” and the media. Um, you do know this is a party to sell your products, so wouldn’t it make sense to invite, oh, more than 9 people? And maybe some people who are buyers for stores? Just a thought.
We switch to Levi and Chase, who are having dinner. Chase asks about the photos of Phillip and asks how the photos came out. Levi calls them “crap”. Chase asks what else is going on with Levi. Levi shares that he’s seeing Zygote again. Chase says the sex must be awesome because Zygote is crazy. Levi tells Chase about his former relationship with Zygote. Chase says Zygote is a master manipulator and asks Levi what he sees in him. Levi’s response contains the word “moist”. EW! “Moist” is on my list of all-time ickiest words. Chase apparently shares my aversion. Chase also says he has Levi’s back. And his front, as we’ll see later.
We then go to Chase and Phillip, who are going shopping for the Inchwear party. Chase has brought his “man purse”, but Phillip quickly corrects him: “it’s a purse”.
You’re both wrong. It’s a european carryall.
They discuss whether there is such a thing as “gay” underwear. FYI – apparently yes. Phillip also ponders Speedos just in case he’s pushed in the pool again. Be prepared! Phillip then brings up the photo shoot. Chase says Levi “looked at them”, and shares he feels bad for Phillip. While Phillip is in the changing room, Chase breaks the news that Levi isn’t going to use the photos. Chase says the photography, not Phillip, is the issue. Odd analogy alert #2: Phillip says perhaps he shouldn’t have put all his apples in a basket. For god’s sake, don’t crush Zygote’s eggs!
Commercial. And we’re back with Levi and Chase at the gym. They’re “gym buddies”, apparently. Soon to be “f buddies” I expect . . . especially with all the flirting, especially when they get to discussing “types”. Chase’s type, not surprisingly, is Levi! And this show’s subtleties just keep on coming.
Now Ashley and Phillip are in a gym. Guess they’re “gym buddies” too because they certainly aren’t the other kind. Phillip says he heard from Chase that Levi felt the photos “weren’t very good”, which immediately gets Ashley upset. I am upset looking at her makeup-free face. Girlfriend, couldn’t you slap on some concealer and powder at least? You’re ON TV.
But I digress. Ashley then says she “dropped everything” to do the shoot, and she lost money from two “high profile” clients for Levi. She also says Levi doesn’t know anything about photography. He may not – but his friend, a professional, seems to! Oh, and she’s upset because Levi didn’t call her. He’s an ass, and this surprises you? Miss Maturity then says she will confront Levi at the Inchwear party. Phillip promises support. Oy vey.
Now we go to Levi and Chore at Levi’s ranch. Chore says he spoke with Phillip, that Phillip told him about the relationship between Levi and Zygote. Levi isn’t happy about this. Odd analogy alert #3: Chore says his relationship with Levi was like a tree falling down. Or being cut down. Or something. So who was the axe? Or the – eff it, I just can’t figure this one out.
Commercial. And we’re back. Levi is “re-engineering” the gorilla outfits to make them stripper clothes. You do know you’ll lose your deposit?
Now we’re at a poker game with Chase, Zygote, Levi, and a guy named Neil, who’s Chase’s friend. Zygote shares that gambling is against his religion. WhatEVER. Chase, who’s the bank, says he’d love to service Levi. Super subtle there! Chase says he has no problem taking Zygote’s chips and his dignity. Too late, Chase – he already threw his dignity away. Levi gets pretty lit, including falling backwards off his chair, and Zygote says he doesn’t like it. Zygote is pretty upset now, and folds. He doesn’t know why Levi is also upset. He’s upset because a drunk never wants to hear he’s been drinking too much. Also, you’re completely overcontrolling. Hello!
Overcome with emotion, Zygote starts to cry. As Chase says, “who cries at a poker game?”
You didn’t have a full house? Poor widdle boy.
And the scene pretty much ends. Wow, that was really unpleasant.
Commercial. Yay. We return to the Inchwear party. Here come the guests: Chore – who seems to be reading these recaps, since he does not come in the black outfit he used for the previous 2 parties!, Chase, Ashley (who appears to be wearing a black dress lined in white), Phillip. Isn’t that the same vest we’ve seen on Phillip every ep? Phillip, you’re constantly in clothes stores and yet you never buy anything! Next week, get a new vest! Or stop wearing it because you are so not cowboy. Also, didn’t you wear that to your colonic? EWWW.
Ashley repeats her determination to confront Levi.
Blah blah mix and mingle.
Levi takes Chase into the house to give him some booze. As a present. It’s so heartwarming to see two alkies bonding.
And now Ashley confronts Levi. She asks him if he wants to talk to her about anything. He pretends to not know what she’s talking about, so she clarifies it’s about the photos. Levi says he’d like to talk to her but she’s disrespecting him in the middle of his party. Ashley quickly corrects him: “you disrespected ME by not coming to ME directly about this”.
Levi then says he hired a photographer only to find out the pictures were worthless. Ashley says “hire? hire? hire?” like a demented mynah bird. Levi corrects to “use”. He then says he got one good photo.
Now Chase and Ashley are discussing her convo with Levi. They are standing near a door when suddenly the gorillas come pouring out. Ashley is alarmed, and I can’t blame her. They look scary. And distinctly odd. Chase, Phillip and Ashley all say they don’t understand it. Gotta agree with all of them on this! So the gorilla guys strip.
Chase says once the guys stripped, he “turned into a top for like 15 minutes”. That should be on a Hallmark card!
Just dropping a note to say/How much I enjoyed yesterday/Being a top was fun/I really like your bum
Levi makes a speech. Chase shares he felt proud of him. And now Levi exhorts the partygoers to “go bananas”. Like in Rise of the Planet of the Apes? That worked out well.
Now we’re back to Ashley and Levi. She tries to confront him again, and he hugs her and then tells her he “didn’t know you had nipples until today”. Ashley throws her drink in Levi’s face. What’s that incredibly loud ringing sound? Oh, it’s the 1980s calling and they want their hackneyed customs back. Ashley then stalks away, calling Levi a disgusting pig.
Chase shares: “having a cocktail thrown on you, carrying around a banana microphone, he did good”. Well, it’s memorable. Good – not so much.
Levi calls Ashley a dumb bitch. Ashley tells Phillip and Chore the story. Phillip tries to support Ashley but she won’t let him finish, yells at him and then walks away. Chore takes her outside and says “You have a marriage. You have a career. What is Levi? Trying to launch an effing gorilla line?” With this completely sage advice and support, Chore has won my heart.
And here comes even drunker Levi, thanking them both for coming to his party. He then slurs to Ashley that if she has another drink to throw in his face, let him open his month first. Chore rebukes him and says “we don’t eff with girls”. Levi then says if Chore was professional, he could have joined the convo. Chore is taken aback. Ashley starts to say to Levi that if he has anything to say, talk to her. However, she’s interrupted by Levi mentioning her nips again. At that point, Ashley both slaps Levi and throws her drink in his face. Ashley walks away, and Levi calls “you forgot your banana”. I’m sure she has one at home, Levi. Probably bigger than yours.
And now we come to the final scenes. Chase and Levi kiss. Wow, nothing like kissing a drunken fool who reeks of liquor thrown on him. Good pick, Chase! Chase asks about Zygote and Levi says they’re not dating, and not exclusive. “Monogamous dating” my a-s! Chase then offers to give Levi a ride to his place. I am sure this will end well, especially when Zygote gets wind of this. Wonder if they brought a banana?
Yeah, I’m a top, baby.
Well, that’s all for this week. As always, I had a blast! See you next week for more Texan-sized drama!