Holy Crap, so remember last week when I said that Derek was a LITTLE bitch? Let’s just say this week he grows in stature, and it’s not pretty.
The episode begins awesomely enough. Ryan and TJ visit Ryan’s personal stylist, Edwing D’Angelo, whose heterosexuality never stood a chance. Edwing is putting together a fashion show and in between TJ trying on a heinous corset/vest that looks like a jock strap, Ryan decides it’ll be a good idea to invite all of his model friends. These men include Reichen, Austin, Rodiney, and Nyasha. Well, TJ suggests Nyasha after he sees a horrific magenta sequined mini-dress, but Ryan jumps on that shit like white on rice. Either Edwing has traded his use of actual female models for television exposure, or he just can’t afford models he’s seen before. Either way, Nyasha’s walking, so is Ryan, and TJ tries on Nyasha’s dress and shark hands “YOU NEVER HIT A WOMAN!!” to everyone’s delight.
After Edwing’s, TJ and Ryan head to an empty bar to gossip about what’s gone down since TJ was in Hawaii. All Ryan can talk about is how delusional Austin is and how the kid keeps banging his head against the wall and making mistakes. TJ immediately points out the tragic possibilities of having Austin and all the bitches in one room together, and Ryan’s eyes glow red for an instant as he ponders out loud the idea of watching Austin squirm. TJ giggles that it’s fun to see the “peacemaker and the troublemaker” out at the same time. Damn, Ryan’s not even trying to cover up his shitdisturbing this time. Also, bitch owns a salon – dye your frigging eyebrows!!
Looks like a damn mime.
Apparently Logo has read my recaps and wishes to apologize for the general crappy nature of the show in certain points. Why do I think this, you ask? Because our next segment focuses on Rodiney and a speech therapist! Okay, maybe she’s a dialect coach, but speech therapist is funnier. And frankly, Rodiney is kind of missing what’s going on here. He’s been invited to do a play, but he thinks he needs to tone down his Brazilian accent to do so. Oh Rodiney, it’s not your accent, but your tenuous grasp of American grammar that stands in your way. The accent just adds to your sexiness.
Anyway, he and the coach go through several exercises that make me giggle, because, if you haven’t seen them before, speech exercises are HILARIOUS. They also involve making references to opening your mouth and throat, then putting things in your mouth to practice. Like penises. It’s a delightful afternoon had by all.
Austin and Reichen are next up, and of course it’s time to get THEIR perspective on Austin’s total alienation from the group. I love how it’s not total alienation at all. Austin just isn’t Derek’s friend anymore. Kid still has Reichen, Ryan, and oh, that’s right, HIS HUSBAND. Austin bitches about how far Derek is up Nyasha’s ass when previously the tanny couldn’t stand her. Then Reichen reveals that he’d be friends with Nyasha if he found her to be reasonable, and Austin’s face gets so very red. He spouts off that it’s bullshit to act like one is friends with someone if one doesn’t like them, and it’s clear he’s not really talking about Reichen. The conversation moves to Playgirl, and Austin is still considering it. However, it’s a 12 page spread, and Jake is in the dark about a good portion of it, including the extent of the nudity and the fact that the mag still wants Austin to have a fluffer.
Austin expresses worry about what Jake will think, then bullshits about how perhaps his recent behavior has just been a way to subconsciously spend more time with his husband. Ha! I think the reason Austin has smaller muscles than everyone is that he’s stretched them all out by REACHIN’! Here’s the rest of the conversation – I bulleted it because I needed some paraphrasing in my life.
Reichen: Your relationship isn’t healthy.
Austin: More wine for the “relationship Nazi.”
Reichen: That’s co-dependency Nazi, thank you very much. You and Jake are co-dependent. I would know.
Austin: Am not co-dependent!
Reichen: You know what that word means, don’t you?
Austin: Well, I’m sorry I’m not Mr. McNally with my dictionary.
Reichen: Mr. McNally makes maps. I would know.
Austin: Pffft, words, maps, it’s all the same in Southern Indiana.
Reichen: What? Whatever, since you don’t know what co-dependency means, and I do, I’ll tell you. Two people get together, they move too quickly then spend all their time together. Then their interests diverge, one of them jerks off online and the other one moves out and starts dating girls.
Austin: I’ll stab you with a fork if you call me co-dependent again.
Reichen: Put it in my giant bicep – it’ll heal faster.
Okay, as ridiculous as some of the things said in this conversation were, this was an honest fucking conversation between two adults. Reichen got upset with Austin, Austin got upset with Reichen, but they still remained friends regardless of their stark differences of opinion. That is a valuable quality in a friend, and Austin has it. But of course, it would go unnoticed by gays like Derek and Ryan, and women like Nyasha. Nyasha’s total lack of this quality will be evidenced later in the episode. Commercial!
We’re back, and in case you forgot, or previously had some idea that “fat” meant this:
Austin is meeting with a personal trainer so he can lose weight. Well, technically, he just wants to tone up, and keep his general size. He and the trainer have a hilarious, flirty time, and Austin’s miserable because now there’s someone finally pushing him. I’m wondering if Corey isn’t being groomed to be on the show (hopefully replacing Mike), because in the two minutes he’s on screen, we cover his relationship status and the fact that Austin is attracted to him and likes him. Then he doesn’t reappear for the rest of the episode. Hmmm… Speaking of Mike, it’s time for his obligatory semi-entertaining segment.
He’s at a café with his father, Rodiney, Martin and Nyasha because he’s getting honored by a gay charity. But of course, that’s not nearly as interesting as the incredibly awkward exchange between Nyasha and Rodiney. As I’m sure you’ve all noticed, Nyasha literally cannot greet a gay man without commenting sexually on their bodies. It’s really weird hamhanded flirting, and all it does is reveal that she must have absolutely NO FUCKING GAME when it comes to straight men. So now that it’s revealed that Rodiney is bisexual, Nyasha doesn’t choke on her canapé like everyone else, she wonders where she can sign up! This is like a fucking dream come true for her.
Oooooooh! A maaaaaaaan!!!!!!!!!!!
Oh, Gasmii, it is so not smooth, this conversation she and Rodiney have. Nyasha is like a horny puppy, at once uncomfortable and gross. She asks him a million way too personal questions about the woman he’s seeing, including their sex life and whether or not the woman is a tranny. Then it’s a chorus of “What’s your type? Nyasha? Nyasha? Wanna come over to my house and do laundry naked? I’ve been attracted to you since day one! C’meeeeere LOVERBOOOOOOOY!!!!” I threw in that last part. Rodiney manages to look cool for the first time ever as he interviews that this whole thing is awkward because he’s not attracted to Nyasha at all. He likes quiet girls and she’s too much. Ha! Agreed.
And look at this fucking outfit.
Onto Ryan and Austin. It looks like Ryan has a free afternoon, so he’s decided to spend it batting around a colorful ball of yarn named Ausitn. The two meet at his apartment and start chatting on the balcony and I’m consistently shocked at the degree of Ryan’s meddling bullshit. He asks Austin if everything’s okay, and when Austin answers yes, things are going okay between him and Jake (the most important relationship in his life), Ryan corrects him and lets the kid know that things are shitty, really shitty, just in case Austin had any intentions of moving on. According to Ryan, everyone hates Austin because of what he did to Derek, and even Ryan has put Austin at a distance. Apparently the entire point of this meeting was to reiterate to Austin that everyone hates him and he’d better behave himself at the fashion show. Even though Derek was a big boy and resolved his issues with Austin last fucking week, and they should both be able to be cordial with each other without Ryan reminding them of why they hate each other. Also, Ryan informs Austin that he and Reichen are only friends because there’s sexual tension there.
WTF, Ryan? Get up out of everyone’s frigging business! All you had to do was tell Austin that you understood that a few people at the event are not giant Austin fans, and ask him to be aware of that and conduct himself professionally in spite of that. But no, it was far more productive to tell Austin ONCE AGAIN that he’s totally fucked up every relationship on the show irrevocably, and even though his husband of all people his happy, that doesn’t matter as long as shitty, shitty friends aren’t happy. And to make things worse, Ryan interviews throughout the entire scene gleefully that Austin doesn’t know how many people hate him. Man, I’ll bet if you opened up Ryan’s chest, you’d find an angry, angry 13-year-old girl where his heart was supposed to be. Commercial.
EVERYBODY HATES ME I MEAN YOU I MEAN ME AAAAAHHHH!!
We return to a photo shoot for Rondiney’s calendar with Mike in California. They’re doing a Mad Max, post-apocalyptic thing, but really the scene is mostly about Mike laughing at Rodiney for claiming to be bi-sexual and Rodiney explaining himself once again. Brazilians don’t label themselves one way or the other, apparently, like all westernized humans before Queen Victoria. They just love looove, and it doesn’t matter what tanned, toned, glistening package it comes in. Brazil sounds like some good, dirty fun. Mike eventually quiets down about the whole thing, but does interview that the best way to attract straight girls probably isn’t to get all oiled up in S&M gear. And shoot a gay calendar. And be on a show on Logo. And make out with dudes.
Back in New York, Austin meets with a Playgirl rep. The test shoot went really well, but Austin does need to get in better shape. The rep is actually totally sweet and non-skeezy about it, even telling Austin to avoid the bullshit, non-invasive lipo procedure his DERMATOLOGIST recommended. However, once it comes time to discuss payment, when Austin sees the number, he shuts down immediately. His “thigh” is worth more than that. Oooh! Someone who knows anything about model/Playgirl rates comment and tell me what the hell that number could be!! What’s the going rate for dark meat on a white boy? Apparently it was factored in that Austin already shows his butt a lot, so he’s not as hot a commodity as he could be. Ha! I don’t know, I kind of want him to get all hot and buff and do it to quiet down some haters, but if they’re not going to pay him, then he needs to avoid it and make things better with Jake. Commercial.
Ooooh, here’s the scene you’ve all (well, at least me) been waiting for – Reichen and Nyasha. Reichen invites Nyasha to his apartment because he thinks she’s easy to talk to and he wants to vent about Rodiney and The Sadness. He starts off telling her about how Rodiney’s closet is still empty and he had a hard time having fun in Hawaii without feeling guilty, and all the things people do when they’ve just broken up with someone. And you know what, we’ve all fucking been there. It is NOT fun to hold someone’s hand while they wail over a complete douchebag, and if you manage to get them out of their pajamas long enough to get to a bar, repeated strains of, “But I LOVE him!” are a serious buzzkill. But you know what, it’s all part of friendship, and when your heart gets stomped on by a total loser or the love of your life, you’ll be happy someone is obligated to spend time with you.
Nyasha was straightening her weave when they taught this in friend school because in the span of three minutes she interrupts Reichen to call him pathetic, ignores him when he says he’s still pretty sensitive and tells him she doesn’t want to fucking talk about this bullshit, she wants to go out, have fun and talk about picking up boys. She also pulls a line of bullshit I can’t stand when she tries to explain her horrible behavior by saying she’s just being honest. I so fucking hate it when people are incredibly rude and think they can justify it by saying they’re just being honest. Dear Those People: You can be honest without being a total cunt. Oprah does it all the time.
I made this photo myself. Can you tell?
Reichen realizes pretty quickly that this was a horrible fucking idea, and getting as aggressive as he ever gets, he decides that since Nyasha has told him some things that were hard to hear (because they were bitchy and insensitive), he should probably tell her what some of the other guys say behind her back. He gently tells her that she talks a lot about name brands (“No, I don’t!”), and that he was pretty materialistic when he was her age, (“No, I’m not!”) so he understands. She flies COMPLETELY off the handle and gets so defensive she can’t even listen to him. She starts talking about how her parents were refugees and how she grew up in a civil war and Reichen doesn’t KNOW her! If he did, he wouldn’t think those terrible things. Apparently Ryan is the only person who’s ever tried to get to know the real Nyasha, and I laugh my ass off thinking of day when Ryan will know enough about her to begin to destroy her. I’ll bet he’s got a little jar in his house filled with little facts on scrap paper that’s half full. Time’s ticking…
Reichen tries to calm the situation by telling her repeatedly that he’s just trying to help and claiming he’s not trying to attack her at all (which he’s not), but he fails. Nyasha snaps over and over that she doesn’t need any help whatsoever and storms off telling him she didn’t come to his place to talk about that kind of thing. Reichen interviews that Nyasha can sure as heck dish it out, but she can’t take it, and this doesn’t bode very well for the fashion show tonight. Somewhere in New York, Ryan rubs his hands together in anticipation.
Aaaaand now it’s time for the show! Ryan has the gall to interview that he hopes people can be professional. LIES. Ryan, Riechen and Derek arrive first and waste no time talking about how Nyasha’s going to be a diva bitch. Including her new friend Derek. How nice. Austin arrives almost immediately after, and Derek totally ignores him when he cordially offers a greeting. Because we’re all in fucking middle school. See, what I hated about this whole thing was that Austin started out being entirely professional. Professionalism means having to deal with a person you don’t like and acting like you’re civil acquaintances. It’s insincere, it’s uncomfortable and it’s how the fucking world goes round, and the fact that Austin tried to start it that way and was rebuffed by a tiny little girl makes me angry. Ryan and Reichen look around nervously, but then it’s time for everyone to head downstairs for a rehearsal, so things cool off for a minute – until Nyasha shows up.
Glass and tears come out of a mouth like that. Glass and tears.
She arrives just in time to rehearse, refuse to say hello to Austin, and get called out on her big hips by Derek (behind her back, of course). Edwing actually calls her a “fucking horse,” and Derek laughs, because that’s the kind of true friend he is. Christ. The five head back upstairs for makeup, and things keep on going down the tube. Nyasha starts handing out sandwiches that were laid out, but doesn’t give one to Austin. He’s in makeup and gets all, “No thanks, I didn’t want one.” Nyasha claims that she had just been about to ask him, but it’s bullshit and Austin knows it. Derek snipes that since Austin’s a “successful model,” shouldn’t he know how to do the makeup? Uh, no? Models model. Makeup artists go to school and get licensed to put makeup on models. God, it’s not even a good insult. Austin snipes back that he’s a boy and doesn’t wear makeup (while sitting in the makeup chair), and Derek once again says that since he’s a professional model, shouldn’t he know how to do the makeup? I think he’s making some sort of dig at Austin being a successful/professional model, but since Austin is a professional model, I don’t really understand what’s going on besides Derek being a lameass bitch. And, if I’m being fair, Austin failing miserably at handling his shit.
Everyone’s sitting around in the green room, which is called “green” because it is festering with drama-causing bacteria. Ryan asks how Jake is, and Austin confesses that Jake’s homesick and the pair might be headed back to England soon because Jake’s Visa will run out soon. Austin explains that in order to get a work visa that allows for a longer stay, Jake must have a bachelor’s degree. Nyasha argues in her customarily confrontational way that a bachelor’s is not required for a work visa, and she knows because she’s sponsored visas for two employees, one with a bachelor’s and one with an associate’s. Austin doesn’t give a flying fuck what Nyasha says, so of course, a perfectly harmless topic turns into another disagreement. Incidentally, they’re both sort of right.
Austin’s pretty much been pushed to the limit at this point, so he tells Nyasha to stop talking out her ass and trying to one-up to point out the fact that he can’t get his husband visa. Ah, fuck. Man, I wish Austin were better at verbal warfare. He came into the whole show attempting to be courteous and got shitcanned, which is very unprofessional. But now he’s a minnow in a tank of barracudas, and even the dumbest barracuda is outfoxing him. I like my animal metaphors. That bullshit about Nyasha getting on him about Jake was way off base, and it’s just more ammo for her. She uses it to call Austin insecure, and tells him that he WILL respect her. I like that Nyasha is so certain of other people’s reactions. That must be a nice way to live. Of course she’s wrong, and Austin tells her he has no respect for her whatsoever. And then for no apparent reason, Nyasha tells him that he’ll never touch her again and then… to try to touch her again. She’s all, “Try it, Boo, and see what happens.” Austin is about as confused as I am with that taunt, but where I would have said, “I know what would happen if I touched you again. You’d overreact completely, go batshit crazy and get hauled out by security. Duh,” Austin says, “You are so dumb, why would I put my hands on you?”
Ryan interviews that he knew things would go poorly, but he didn’t think it would happen this quickly. YES YOU DID. I can’t even talk much about what happens next, but Austin tells Nyasha that Reichen doesn’t like her, Reichen’s all, “That’s not true,” then Austin tells Nyasha that she’s a nasty person with a dark soul, Derek giggles and interviews that that could be racist – exciting! Austin calls everyone fake (which they TOTALLY ARE) and leaves the room in defeat. Correct, but in defeat. Derek compliments Nyasha on holding her own and providing him with some awesome preshow entertainment, and Nyasha sarcastically asks Reichen if he hates her, “after all that [they've] been through?” What the fuck have they been through? Ryan goes to see Austin, who is in tears. Christ. I just want to walk into that room and clean everything up – Austin, man the fuck up and ignore everyone but Reichen. Derek, stop being a little bitch. Nyasha, get laid. Reichen, shut up. Ryan, clap because what is happening now is exactly what you wanted to happen.
He glows like the deeeeevil.
In the other room, Ryan tells Austin he needs to calm down as Austin wails that he’s done nothing to Nyasha and that she’s a terrible person. Ryan admits that Nyasha is being a total bitch and tells Austin to relax and to have it out with her one on one. He also tells Austin not to drink and to stay on point. Too late – plan’s worked a little too well, hmm? Meanwhile, Reichen’s pissed that Austin’s dragged him into the crap with Nyasha, which probably wouldn’t have happened had Reichen supported Austin in the slightest while the whole thing went on. Ugh, commercial. I can’t believe there’s more.
We come back and Austin decides to take Ryan’s advice and talk to Nyasha – RIGHT THEN. Of course she refuses, Austin leaves again, and then it’s time for the Nyasha Show Final Thought! She goes on some bullshit monologue about giving people who are acting immature their own space and not coddling them, and I want to punch her in the faaaaaace. Reichen goes to Austin, not to coddle him, but of course that’s what Nyasha and Derek assume he’s doing and proceed to talk shit and congratulate themselves on the lovely and amazing defeat of Austin. In the other room, Reichen insists that Austin cannot involve him in fights like that, but also reveals that he was finished with Nyasha when she stormed out of his apartment like a crazy woman earlier that day. Everyone heads back into the same room, and Reichen tries to play mediator. Nyasha cuts him off at the knees and tells him to sit there like “Ken Barbie.” Bitch? It’s Ken DOLL.
The show finally happens, and everyone gets a little monologue at the end of it, Ryan decides the next time he rallies the troops, he’ll be cutting some people off the list. Not if you want it on camera, you won’t. Derek tells everyone that he’s going to be the bigger person and give Nyasha a chance, and it won’t hurt that it’ll make Austin livid. Look how big a bitch person he is. Nyasha isn’t going to coddle immature spoiled brats, Reichen doesn’t trust Derek and Austin swears to continue to stand up to Nyasha on his own. What a damn mess.
All of these people are terrible and the season is only half over!!!!
Part of me is excited and part of me wants to stab Flipit with a butter knife even though I’m writing this on his birthday. HUGS!!