We open this week on Derek and Ryan as they checkout retail/spa locations for Derek’s new spraytan location. Ryan coaches Derek to say nothing of consequence but only to smile and nod. Considering Derek’s only other setting is sneer and bitch, that’s a great idea. The location itself is great – corner spot with speaker hookups so the place will be able to annoy the shit out of passersby with loud music without having to be rewired before opening. Ryan correctly surmises that this will save a lot on preconstruction costs.
Of course after roughly 30 seconds of small talk, Ryan interviews that Derek’s in a very good place personally and professionally, and Ryan believes it can be attributed to the fact that Derek’s surrounding himself with better people. I love that these “better people” include Rodiney and Nyasha. While the two are on the subject of music, Derek brings up Nyasha’s upcoming performance in Atlantic City, and after the two gays joke about Nyasha’s contract riders and the likelihood that she was spawned from two drag queens, Derek brings up the fact that he’ll be splitting his time between Nyasha and Austin’s events. Ryan rolls his eyes at the fake bachelor party for the fake wedding that celebrates Austin and Jake’s sham of a relationship, and it becomes clear that next week’s season finale in Atlantic City will be far more worth watching than this week’s discussions building up to it. Oh well, onward and downward…
…to Nyasha!! She’s shooting another album cover, and her look is hideous, so nothing new there. Everyone around her talks about how inspiring she is, including herself, and her gang of sycophants is super-excited to see her perform to a bunch of Jersey Shore fans. Okay, that actually sounds kind of good.
What the fuck is she wearing?
Strains of it’s the Nyasha show play as she walks around in a gold bikini, a giant, purple jeweled cowel all topped off by a beige African basket hat, and for the 80 gazillionth time, I get pissed that I can’t download an episode of this show to screengrab before Friday. Pffft.
We switch to nighttime, and the boys are getting together for a party T.J. is throwing for “Spoken,” a blog he writes for. Well, look at little T.J. doing one of the only worthwhile things on this show. Austin and Jake are there, including Rodiney, Ryan, Derek and Riechen. Austin and Derek are getting along, and they discuss Derek’s upcoming official Tansexual launch party. It’s all good – Austin’s coming, Derek’s happy about it, but the fly in the ointment (and no that is NOT a black joke) is Nyasha. She’s invited, and Austin’s jealous. Derek warns Austin not to start shit with Nyasha, and Austin says he won’t, but he’s clearly pissed that Derek won’t talk shit about Nyasha with him. And frankly, so the fuck am I. Bitch is CRAZY! Why are Austin and I the only ones who see it????
Reichen, Rodiney and Ryan join the conversation and it turns into the most passive conversation ever about whether or not Derek is riding down to Atlantic City with Austin, Reichen and Jake in a limo, or not. Derek’s not sure, but Rodiney, Ryan and Derek have a nice little conversation about how much of a fake relationship Austin and Jake have… when they are sitting right next to them. You might think this would be a perfect opportunity for Reichen to address his concerns about Austin and Jake’s relationship, but you’d be wrong. And you’d also be someone who probably had better things to do than ever watch this show.
I also love that Rodiney isn’t going to Austin’s party because of the “fake relationship,” and not because Austin probably didn’t invite his ass and they hate each other. Eeesh.
The party ends with Derek explaining that he’s not going to join in the bashing anymore because he’s in a good place with Austin. Also with Nyasha. And they’re both coming to his party, in case you missed it. Sounds amazing! Commercial!
We return and it’s time for Rodiney to take a “sexy dance class.” His words, not mine. Which he does in an aqua tank top and silver leggings. That’s pretty much all of importance that happens here. Oh, and the instructor tells him that when he looks in the mirror, Rodiney should want to have sex with himself. TRUTH.
Much, MUCH later (seriously, that scene was like, 10 minutes long), Austin meets up with Phillip Bloch (YAY) to go underwear shopping!!! They discuss Playgirl, sexy underpants, and Austin and Jake’s relationship. It’s all very honest and great, and it proves to me once again that Austin isn’t nearly as much of an asshole around people aren’t also assholes. Plus, I love Phillip Bloch. I fucking love him. He needs his own show right the fuck now. Commercial.
We get back, and it’s time for some legitimacy, so it’s time for Mike! He’s doing a photoshoot with Martin for Jessie J, and she’s freakishly tall. Mike gives her some long hair, then ties a string around it that a P.A. yanks to give the hair the effect of motion. It’s really cool. Other than that, he and Martin are exceedingly and disgustingly happy, so… good for them. I still think it’s weird that they could pass for twin brothers.
Next up is the “premiere” party for Rodiney’s calendar that Mike collaborated on. Nyasha’s there with terrible hair, being loud as usual, and, for some reason, Reichen decides that it’s a great fucking idea to talk to Nyasha about his feelings about what he perceives to be a betrayal. I don’t know what he expects to hear other than, “Austin needs professional help,” and, “My shoes are Laboutins.” She spouts pretty much that, encourages Reichen to be a dick to Austin, and explains that her biggest issue Austin is that he’s never apologized for hitting her. OH CHRIST. Why don’t you apologize for putting yourself physically in the middle of something that was none of your damn business in the first place, hmmm?
Mike, and I’ve never loved him more than in this moment, heads over because he sees Nyasha waving her finger in the air waaaay too much, and nothing good can be happening if that’s going on. When he finds out that Reichen is taking advice from Nyasha on confronting Austin about the supposed infidelity, Mike interviews that he wishes he could have gotten to Reichen first. If that had happened, Mike could have advised Reichen to stay the fuck out of a relationship Reichen couldn’t possibly understand, because Reichen sure as shit doesn’t like it when people mess with HIS relationships. Alas, twas not to be… Though, it looks a lot like Reichen is never going to confront Austin about anything, so I don’t think anyone has to worry. Commercial!
Oh Lord, Austin has decided that it’s in his best interests to have yet another sitdown with Nyasha. Austin’s committed to being a gentleman at Derek’s Tansexual party, so he’s invited Nyasha to have a talk. Here’s how it begins if the dialogue were to be transformed into a Samuel French play:
Nyasha: (approaches without looking at Austin) S’up Austin. (barely audible)
Austin: Good afternoon.
(Nyasha slams her giant, ugly bag on the bar, says nothing in response, and continues not to look at Austin.)
Austin: Okay, well let’s just jump on into it…
Nyasha: No, no, no when you walk into like, a situation, when someone comes in, you say, “Good Afternoon,” and then you wait for the other person to say “Good Afternoon,” back.
You can guess how it all went from there. Nyasha’s screaming in two minutes, then Austin is because he’s trying to be rational but she’s not letting him, and for me, personally, when someone is too damn crazy to realize that I’m doing them a favor by sitting down with them and having a conversation about our differences, I get a little livid. At which point, I either stay and become a mad dog mess or I leave. Most of the time I leave. Austin doesn’t leave, and the whole thing devolves into a mad scene of Nyasha screaming at Austin that he’s a piece of shit liar when he claims he apologized for “hitting her,” and of Austin trying to explain/scream that when she consistently shouts that he hit her all over the internet and New York, it doesn’t exactly do good things to his image.
At the end of the day, Austin is so upset that he makes the stupid, stupid decision not to go to Derek’s party for fear that he will not be able to control himself around Nyasha. He also only tells the publicist, not Derek personally. We learn this after commercial when we return to Derek’s party and Rodiney asks where Austin is. Derek reveals what Austin did, and reveals that this is the last straw, he and Austin are no longer friends. At this point I kind of get it. I don’t think Austin was being an asshole, just stupid. But it’s hard to be friends with stupid people. By the end of the party, no one likes Austin again, everyone loves Nyasha, and no one’s going to the bachelor party.
I truly hope this does not mean that next week’s season finale isn’t a bunch of dudes talking shit about each other while they’re not in the same room. But I have a feeling I’ll be disappointed. Then again…
Look at that fucking outfit! And I’m pretty sure that’s a hotel multipurpose room. Awesome.