Last week on the The A-List New York, everyone worried about Austin’s relationship with Jake or pretended he was a golf ball they wanted to slice the crap out of. I have to say, given the fact that everyone but Reichen apparently hates Austin, it’s probably going to stick in their craw that he’s getting 90% of the screentime this season.
Any publicity is good publicity!
Austin and Jake are looking at another rooftop wedding venue, and after they agree that it, like the other eight, is awesome, they have lunch by themselves and discuss Reichen. He’s the only friend Austin really has in New York, as evidenced by the fact that Jake and Austin have been invited to the divine Mr. L’s Half Birthday Soiree. Bitch, please. Are we all seven years old? I’ll bet Reichen’s going to be there all, “I’m only HALF as old as you think! Hahahahahaaa!!!” Jake seems to have gotten over his jealousy, and calmly warns Austin not to invest in Reichen like Austin did in Derek. Agreed. If anyone’s an unstable bet, it’s Captain Weepypants Uniball. Austin agrees to take the advice, and both gentlemen shout from the rooftop how much they love each other. Aw… Good thing they’re alone in the restaurant.
Speaking of being alone in restaurants, I swear, 99% of the time, these bitches eat alone in restaurants. I would make a joke about how the producers can’t get any real New York restaurants to allow themselves or their patrons to be featured on the show, but it would be less of a joke and more of an astute observation, so I’ll refrain. Ryan and T.J. are doing just this in the next segment, discussing for the 50th time how much better their relationship is now that they’ve stopped working together. Weird. I think anger sex is totally worth the breakdown of a friendship – guess they don’t agree. T.J. loves his new job, Ryan tells T.J. about the Hamptons and Austin’s plea for forgiveness, and because they’re bored and don’t do drugs, they both agree to suggest they introduce online dating for Nyasha, who will never get a date without their help.
In another almost empty restaurant, it’s time to discuss Austin some more. Reichen and Rodiney agree to meet to catch up, and after two seconds of “How’s your new apartment?” and “Good,” Rodiney jumps right into talking about Austin. Apparently he’s heard from numerous people (which means it’s true) that Austin and Jake have been cheating on each other since Day One, and all of Austin’s commitment, monogamy at 23 bullshit is just that – bullshit. Reichen, who’s been having very few wins lately, starts salivating over this like some second-rate Ryan. He bitches to Rodiney about all the crazy shit Austin did the previous summer to break up himself and Rodiney and vows that Austin is a hypocrite.
Do I believe this? I don’t know, probably. But when Reichen asks Rodiney who spread these rumors, Rodiney pulls a move I pulled in junior high many times when I was lying through my teeth to manipulate people – “It doesn’t matter who said it! It’s true!” I call bullshit. It’s entirely possible Austin and Jake are sleeping around with the entire island of Manhattan, but Reichen looks like a total douchebag when he gleefully realizes that his own pathological disbelief in commitment will be proven true by none other than Austin. Commercial.
You are what you eat!
We return to more Austin and Jake, and more of the bi-national gay couple “campaign.” Jeeez. It’s the countdown week to marriage equality in New York, and Austin and Jake are posing for a bi-national marriage book that will feature photos of couples who can’t be together… with their faces blurred out. I think it’s stupid, but Reichen still sounds like an asshole when he interviews that neither Jake nor Austin are the posterchildren for this sort of campaign – and they are children. Ugh, SHUT UP Reichen. We are hardly one to start critiquing other gay men and the photos they take, are we????
But wait! Don’t shut up Reichen! Because the next segment is Reichen telling his MOTHER on NATIONAL TELELVISION that he got caught Irming la Deuce on the interweb!!! Oh, this poor woman. She looks like she’s going to have a coronary, and because she obviously doesn’t quite understand video chatting, Reichen has to go into SERIOUS detail about the whole experience. This woman pinches the bridge of her nose and shakes her head, like 70 times in one minute. Poor thing. If I am ever blessed enough to have a gay son, and he springs this shit on me on camera, I will make him transgendered myself.
Are you watching possible future gay male offspring?
In other news, Reichen’s mom looks awesome, gives him some advice even though she hasn’t the foggiest clue what her son’s gotten himself into, and plans to attend the half-birthday party, where she will almost certainly be assaulted by Nyasha and get sent to an early grave.
Speaking of Nyasha, it seems like we’ve interrupted one of her wet dreams… She’s surrounded by gay men who are only there to cater to her and her sex life. Oh Christ. It’s real. T.J. asks her if she’s willing to date someone who’s less successful than she is, and after about two minutes of talking about ambition and telling everyone she’s not conceited AT ALL (she’s wearing Laboutins, btw, she said so), it’s clear she’s going online to find a rich man. This oughta be good. She creates a profile, deftly avoids putting on it that she likes scrapbooking, and is all set to meet the rich, ambitious men who frequent Match.com. I’m really excited for the day she realizes that she’s Ryan’s personal adult Barbie doll. It’ll probably be in the middle of some complimentary surprise makeover that’ll leave her with a surprise blond frohawk.
I used to shave my doll’s heads. I’d be okay with that, too.
After the commercial, it’s time for the obligatory Mike segment. He invites Rodiney to be background in a gay music video about loving oneself. No one makes a joke about why Reichen is, and the rest of the segment is Rodiney vamping and lip synching to the camera. I wish photos were available so I could express how fucking hilarious this is, but you’ll just have to accept the below as artistic representation.
Even though Austin has apparently alienated everyone in New York, Ryan’s still willing to have him over to discuss wedding plans. It seems really nice, Ryan brings out his own wedding album to show Austin, and advises the younger man to do something simple. Ryan’s even gotten Austin and Jake a little Man-Man wedding topper. It’d be cute and sweet if Ryan weren’t interviewing the entire time about how much of a sham Austin and Jake’s relationship is and pondering the delicious moment during which he will confront Austin about it and crush some dreams. Where Nyasha’s hobby is scrapbooking, Ryan’s is making voodoo dolls dipped in the blood of kittens and biting the heads off. I’m surprised the girl hasn’t filed her teeth into points.
We’re at the halfway mark in the episode which means it’s time for Reichen’s half-birthday party. The entire cast, sans host Reichen is sitting civilly on a couch toasting and making half-birthday jokes. They also joke about Rodiney bringing a girl to the party, but I think it’s kind of sweet. It’s the same girl he went on a date with a few episodes ago, and while she still looks like a deer in headlights, I have high hopes. Nyasha shows up and forces Reichen’s mom to hug her, and Reichen pussies out about confronting Austin. He “just doesn’t care anymore.” Ha! I love it.
It’s possible that Reichen’s just thrown off by Rodiney bringing a girl to the party, because apparently, Rodiney didn’t mention said date to Reichen. Heeheehee, Rodiney’s an evil genius. Austin sees Liza and asks the group if she’s Rodiney’s lover. Everyone in the group jumps on his ass and yells at him to ask Rodiney himself. Austin balks because he and Rodiney hate each other, but no one gives a shit how he feels about anything anymore, so they yell at him some more. Derek pulls a serious WTF, when he interviews that the whole situation was uncomfortable and he doesn’t WANT to yell at Austin. Huh? Uh, yeah, confused me, too. Commercial!
We’re back, and oh, good. It’s time for Nyasha’s date. It’s not with someone she met online, but it’s with a dude she met at Fashion Week. Her wig’s terrible, but the guy’s cute and complimentary, likes her shoes (Laboutins. She said so.), and it goes pretty well. She doesn’t go all crazy/sex like she did with Rodiney, but the whole date makes her look like a five year old about to get eaten by a 40-year-old wolf. She thinks he’s moving too fast and gets a little nervous. At some point, though, she turns the tables and turns him off by talking non-stop about googling herself, her album, her upcoming live performance and her general Nyasha-ness. He lies and says he wants to see her again, and that’s that.
Later on, at the music video release/premiere party (it’s called “Su-Su-Superstar.” Awesome.), Austin and Derek meet up, and Austin points out a bruise on his lip he got from running into a cupboard. Derek doesn’t believe for a damn minute that Austin did that, but he’s too big/small a man to look into something that could very well be dangerous. But he is pleased that Austin’s making an effort, so they might be friends again soon. Or he’s just sick of hanging out with Rodiney and Nyasha. I would be. Thankfully, he and Austin make plans to talk at the next party, so we head to commercial in the hopes that this episode will mark the end of this incredibly boring storyline.
All the gays are at a really hot (temperature) marriage party thing, and Austin and Jake invite Reichen and Rodiney to their bachelor party in Atlantic City. Reichen chickens out again about confronting Austin, but still doesn’t stop bitching about how stupid he thinks their relationship is. Christ, I can’t stand Ryan, but at least he’s got some balls. Plural. Sorry, bad joke. Ryan sticks his nose in shit again, asking about Jake and Austin’s “fighting.” Jake and Austin laugh it off, which makes me think that they’re playing up the whole bruising/lip thing for fun to mess with everyone else. Derek pulls a serious bitch move when he reveals to Nyasha that he thinks Austin and Jake’s relationship might be abusive, and of course, Nyasha couldn’t care less. It just reinforces things she already knows, like that Austin needs professional help. In turn, Nyasha’s reaction has reinforced things I already know, like that she alters reality to suit the fantasyland she inhabits, regardless of how inhuman/stupid it makes her sound.
Finally, Derek is done punishing Austin, so they go outside to talk, while everyone remains inside to talk about a relationship that is none of their damn business. It’s more of the same talk, except that Derek finally agrees to gingerly start a relationship. Austin actually surprises me and tells Derek that theirs was the only sincere relationship he formed, and Derek agrees to move on. Yay!!! These two are the only two men that I like watching on this show, let’s hope that next week they resume their campaign to destroy Nyasha!
Wasteface and Goldenshorts. Reunited and it feels so good!