I heard Abby posed for this silhouette. loljk
Hey there, Gasmii! Just when you thought you were safe in your homes from the monster that is Abby Lee Miller, she comes busting into your living rooms (I’m sure bathrooms as well). I didn’t even know this shit existed until the Dance Moms finale. So welcome to Abby’s Ultimate Dance Competition! I’m surprised there isn’t a “star bound” thrown in there for good measure since that seems to be the only competition they went to on DM. Unfortunately, I’ve been out of town and didn’t get to watch this the night it premiered. I’m starting this on the plane home because the focus is the only thing keeping me from murdering all the babies and this bitch next to me invading my personal bubble. “I don’t know who Honey Boo Boo is,” I lied as I put on my headphones to escape actual human contact.
I just realized that every program I’ve capped so far has been on Lifetime. I guess I’m their special Tvgasm correspondent! Anyway, on to the show!
In the preview alone, we already get a taste of a girl with a side pony complaining that they didn’t come here to talk about their life problems. It’s always the one who says this that turns out to be a huge bitch.
“This isn’t Abby’s Ultimate Friend Competition!”
I hate Robin Antin so much. She pops up in so many reality shows with that frightening face of hers, and she just needs to go home. You’re 51, honey, stop styling yourself like a 20-year-old slut. It’s not cute on Madonna, and it’s not cute on you.
She is first judge, and she founded the Pussycat Dolls. What an entrepreneur. Entrepreneuse? I get that she’s famous and has some “dance” cred, but it’s basically pole dancing sans-pole. What kind of sage advice on traditional dance can she offer?
“Your booy clap what sub par. And don’t get me started on your form when you made it rain.”
The second judge is Lady Gaga’s choreographer, Richy Jackson. Who, you ask? Exactly. I can’t be bothered to look up his credits, so let’s just be content to relegating him as the token flamboyant gay.
“I’m a stereotype!”
Abby Lee Miller is of course the third judge, so we have much evil and shade to look forward to.
“That plié was terrible!”
Because no ALM show is complete without the rancid creatures that birthed the dancers, we’ll also get to watch the drama unfold among the mothers. This one knows what I’m talking about.
You know what they say. The bigger the hoops, the bigger the bitch.