Abby’s Ultimate Dance Competition Recap: Needs More Evil


The girls get ready for the main event by applying layer upon layer of stage makeup, and ALM is probably at her hotel lair sharpening her talons on baby bones.

Needs more makeup, it’s not whorey enough.

I love Asia’s sass and confidence.

“No ands, no buts, no its, no howevers, no neverthelesses, no irregardlesses, I want to win.”

Kevin Manno (luckily my browser was still open to a search page to remind me who the fuck he is) introduces the judges, and Jabby beams proudly.

“Thank you all for being part of my buffet—I mean show.”

The hip hop trio is up first, and I’m looking for Asia to kill it and Lexine to tank that motherfucker.  Sure enough, Asia looks confident and skilled, while Lexine fucks up her front walkover. 

This will surely bring on a breakdown.

Asia has an awareness of her expressions that someone like Mackenzie can’t touch.

Suck my dance, bitches.

Abberwocky immediately criticizes the flubbed front walkover.  She loves Jordyn but slams her for not turning her feet out.  I don’t’ even know what that means, I’m just here to make fun of little kids.  Richy says the girls did an okay job, but it wasn’t hip hop.  The audience boos, so I guess he’s the Simon Cowell of this show?  He loves Asia, duh.  Robin can’t move her face, but overall praises them and tells Asia she was born to be a pussycat doll.  I do not think it’s appropriate to tell that to a 6-year-old.  Keep your slutty paws off the children.

“NOT MY DAUGHTER, YOU BITCH!”

Lexine’s mother Maria right away tells her that it’s okay, they can go home now.  Ah, whiners and quitters, winning combination.  Kelly gets all up in their business and argues with Maria, trying to convince her that Lexine doesn’t want to go home.  Um, that is your competition.  Try a little ruthlessness.  I would have just sat back and let them leave.  Maria makes an angry gesture at Jordyn and says something about not helping her, which Kelly does not appreciate.  I agree.  Fuck up your own kid all you want, but leave other people’s kids out of it.

“I said no substitutions!”

Hadley, Madison, and Zack are up for their jazz  number, and I was expecting something more along the lines of what they call lyrical on Dance Moms.  But I guess I know fuck all about dancing, so let’s just roll with it!

Something tells me Zack is going to be putting his flexibility skills to a different use in a few years.

Legwarmers.  Never a good look.

fatcamp
About

I'm a mystery wrapped in a riddle, wrapped in silk charmeuse with bitchy trim.  I have an abusive relationship with television, a penchant for making fun of everything, and a need to make people laugh.  By day I conduct clinical research having to do with ladyparts.  By night, I'm Darkwing Duck.  This nerd is five by five and ready to go.  If you love me that much, you can find me at twitter @fatcamp

32 Comments

  1. 1
    Dani
    Posted October 14, 2012 at 1:17 pm

    Not yet sure if I like the show or not, but will give it a try.. So far, I can NOT stand Hadley’s mom (I think her name is Yvette, but could be wrong..), also do not like Asia at all, which I know sounds mean because she is only 6, but her attitude irks me to no end. I’m sure that’s her mother’s doing. Also, the kid dances WAY to sleezy for a little girl (for anyone really, but especially a little girl). I watched some of her youtube videos, and you can see what I’m talking about if you go on there. Very provocative dancing. All she’s missing is the pole, and that’s sad because she is a little girl and should be protected. I felt bad for the one little girl (forget her name), that’s mom was nuts and said they could go home now. The mom’s name was Maria I believe. Way to show your daughter some confidence lady! Geez! Also didn’t like Elisabeth. Give me a break– using your parents divorce as an excuse for not doing your dance well? Pathetic. I would have marked her down for doing that if I were judging. I guess that’s about it for now. What do you all think so far??

  2. 2
    Gwen
    Posted October 14, 2012 at 1:28 pm

    I had heard of Jordyn and Asia before. I think they’re somewhat famous in the dance world.

  3. 3
    April
    Posted October 14, 2012 at 6:32 pm

    I am too drunk right now to read this and remember what it is I read. So I will try to read it tomorrow. I must say I am totally in lust with this show already. For shame! My picks are the cute little blondie Jordyn and maybe the little brunette that was really good at lyrical but was in the back but still stood out. She always looks unhappy though which is why she is good at lyrical I guess.

  4. 4
    April
    Posted October 14, 2012 at 6:45 pm

    okay I lied I read it. It rocked!

    I agree that the worse tapper should have gone and not Tessa since she was the best technique tapper in that group. Tap was my forte so I know when I see good and crappy tapping. I love they are doing tap in this competition.

  5. 5
    Adelefig
    Posted October 14, 2012 at 6:58 pm

    I like a commenter who can combine a Honey Boo Boo reference within a few sentences of a Roman Polanski jab!……tee hee!

    I think I shall become a famous dancer….apparently I don’t need pesky practices and thousands of repetitions for technique….I just need some height and a eye catching leotard! I’m set!!

  6. 6
    Meaghan
    Posted October 14, 2012 at 7:00 pm

    I’m writing a research paper about child development and dance. I’m so tempted to bring up Dance Moms and Abby Lee…talk about messing kids up psychologically!

  7. 7
    Dani
    Posted October 14, 2012 at 8:09 pm

    @Adelefig– Don’t forget the “blonde hair” too. Abby said that was part of what “caught her eye” (even though they were supposed to be showing off their technique..?). LOL. Abby contradicts herself SO MUCH!!

    I liked Jordyn too. Not too crazy about her mom though, but I’m sure I’ll end up feeling that way about just about all of them soon enough. I think it was her mom that was SO EXCITED to meet Abby and nearly wet her pants or something like that. Give me a break! Jordyn was cute though, and she is a good dancer. I looked her up on youtube too and she is quite good. Madison is another one that was really good.

    By the way, fellow dance moms fans, they have gotten another girl from their casting call (so they say, but who knows.. They might have cast her before the “audition” and just had a phony audition). Anyway, I don’t know much about her, but just to let you know. I think she competed with the group this weekend. Brooke and Paige were not there, but that doesn’t mean they quit. I am not sure what’s going on with them. I like Brooke and Paige, and even Kelly, though she does look like she’s about to suffer a nervous breakdown, so I would miss them, but obviously one’s mental health should come first. Brooke had her homecoming dance this weekend, so that could be why she wasn’t at the competition. That’s all I know.. LOL.

  8. 8
    NYCJUDE
    Posted October 14, 2012 at 10:35 pm

    I am driving myself crazy…I am sure Tessa’s mon Renee and Hadley’s mom Yvette have been on tv before. Renee was on SOME reality show(I’m pretty sure)… and Yvette was some dumb blonde B actress (that voice). Someone capable please check for me.

  9. 9
    April
    Posted October 15, 2012 at 5:14 am

    I also cannot stand Yvette. Also the mom that was dogging her little girl out. My goodness. I am glad I did not have a girl because as a former dancer and dance teacher I probably would have ended up like Yvette and that would not have been good for anyone. Boys are so less pressure.

    I did like how Jordyn’s mom defended the little girl when her mom dogged her out about her mistake. I probably would have done the same. I am a very kid person and I talk and befriend all the kids I meet so if I saw any kid getting dogged out unfairly by anyone, I will probably stand up for them.

  10. 10
    Pegalicious
    Posted October 15, 2012 at 9:51 am

    @fatcamp, thanks for taking the (figurative) bullet and watching this, um, enlightening program. Now that I know tap is included, I suppose I’ll have to watch it, albeit reluctantly. Started taking tap three years ago (at age 64); have wanted to tap dance since I was a little kid. I’m certainly not any good but I really enjoy it and love seeing tap routines.

  11. 11
    April
    Posted October 15, 2012 at 10:54 am

    Did anyone watch the casting special? It was almost like a regular episode. They eliminated two girls. They had an Asian Tiger Mom who totally called her daughter fat on camera. She was one of the eliminated.

  12. 12
    Adelefig
    Posted October 15, 2012 at 8:07 pm

    Pegalicious! You go girl!!!!!!

  13. 13
    Dani
    Posted October 15, 2012 at 10:30 pm

    @April– I did see the casting special! Did the mom actually call her daughter “fat” or was she saying the dance teachers’ thought of her as fat? I was giving her the benefit of the doubt that maybe English is not her native tongue and by her saying “fat” she just meant that she wasn’t “skinny” like a stereotypical ballet dancer body.. The little girl was not in anyway at all “fat” or overweight at all. She was cute and looked to be a good dancer from what I saw, which wasn’t a whole lot.. The other girl they elimated (Amanda K. I think?) seemed to be quite good as well. Definitely both of them better than a few others on there, but maybe their moms weren’t as “dramatic” as some of the other moms. I think Asia’s mom and Hadley’s mom will prove to be big drama mamas.

  14. 14
    ellemenop
    Posted October 16, 2012 at 4:10 am

    i had to rewind this episode three times because i actually thought robin antin told the 6- to 13-year-olds that she wanted to see “sex,” when she said “sass.” it just wasn’t that far-fetched. i had to make sure.

    also, the “dance” she choreographed wasn’t even dancing! wtf?! it was a strip tease practice, if anything.

    the “scholarship” to the joffrey is probably just a summer session sponsored by the tv company.

    HAHAHAH i totally thought of HBB with that risk-it-for-the-biscuit line. is that kind of like doing it all for the nookie so you can get that cookie?

    these moms are, as expected, idiots (although i actually prefer maria for being realistically pessimistic — that’ my style — than blaming everyone for their kid’s lackluster performance).

    the tap number was TERRIBLE. just … no, that’s it. it sucked.

  15. 15
    April
    Posted October 16, 2012 at 4:24 am

    Tap is a dying art. A lot of the kids don’t want to learn it anymore and that is just sad. If you are not a good tapper, then you don’t deserve to win this competition. Dancers should be able to do all styles of dance well.

    I think “Sass” and “Sex” pretty much mean the same thing in the way Robin was using it. Kinda sad.

  16. 16
    April
    Posted October 16, 2012 at 4:31 am

    I really dislike how dance competitions are seeming more and more like pageants as far as the oversexualization of little girls.

    I coached a national champion junior team and we did not do that. They wore stage makeup but not as much as these girls wear. They had cute costumes but were never too revealing. The moves were not trashy. We encouraged them to smile and look happy, not make sex faces at the judges. It can be done.

    Now the Senior team is a different story……. but that is the difference between 16 and up versus 8 to 14.

  17. 17
    ellemenop
    Posted October 16, 2012 at 4:33 am

    my (private) school’s curriculum included — aside from gym — mandatory tap daily. I haven’t danced since then but I kinda feel like I could have sucked just as much.

    I agree on the sex-sass. sad, indeed.

  18. 18
    Dani
    Posted October 16, 2012 at 6:40 am

    Ok, what is this “biscuit” thing supposed to mean? I’ve heard a few comments here and there about it taking on a whole new meaning because of Honey Boo Boo, but I don’t watch Honey Boo Boo so I have no idea what anyone is talking about.. Can someone fill me in?

    I agree with the “dance” Robin taught the kids. I watch watching that thinking, “what the hell is that? Is that a dance?” I also hate the way they are sexualizing little girls. The youngest one, Asia, is off the charts the way she dances and acts sexy. Go to youtube and look here up- she does this number “control” and it’s just awful for a little girl to be doing. Her mother should be ashamed of herself in my opinion for encouraging that and allowing that from her daughter.

  19. 19
    Dani
    Posted October 16, 2012 at 6:46 am

    Here is one of her videos:

  20. 20
    Dani
    Posted October 16, 2012 at 6:50 am

    Here is one of Jordyn Jones. I actually think she is quite good for her age.

  21. 21
    Dani
    Posted October 16, 2012 at 6:56 am

    Ok, this is the last one. This has nothing to do with the show, but since you were discussing tap I thought I would post it. You probably have already seen this, but in case you haven’t, this is Sophia Lucia, who I think is only 9, maybe 10 now. She is amazing! She can do all styles, but I really love to watch her tap. This is one of her tap solos when she was either 8 or 9 I think.

  22. 22
    April
    Posted October 16, 2012 at 8:12 am

    Asia is a very talented young girl. However they are doing too much too fast with her. At her age she should be dancing to cutesy songs. The dancing was not bad all they really needed to do was remove the booty drops and the sex faces and it probably could be just as good, change the music and costume a bit and she still will look great and win. Just not be overly sexualized. As a judge I would count down for that. When I competed it was usually in the rules that age inappropriate numbers would be counted down.

  23. 23
    April
    Posted October 16, 2012 at 8:16 am

    Crown me a Jordyn fan!

    Okay her number you posted is totally okay for her age. She has sass (actual sass not sex), she does technical moves well, but no booty drops, no sex faces, no handcuffs. It comes across way more appropriate.

    Jordyn reminds me of a cuter Mia Diaz.

  24. 24
    April
    Posted October 16, 2012 at 8:18 am

    Dani: Yes, I love Sophia! I was hoping she would turn up on this show. Too bad she didn’t because she would have mopped the floor with these girls!

    I also think Jordyn would fit in well with the Dance Moms girls. Does anyone else agree?

  25. 25
    Dani
    Posted October 16, 2012 at 8:35 am

    @April– Yes, I love Sophia too. Big fan!

    Jordyn does seem like she would fit in very well with the dance moms girls. I think she lives in California though, so probably not going to happen, but she would be a nice addition.

    I think Asia is talented as well, but it’s hard for me to watch her with the way she dances. Also a lot of her “dancing” is more gymnastics and that always bugs me. When did dance become all about “tricks?” She is talented, but I think most of what you see is attitude, tricks and gymnastics. She is 7 now and I’ve seen a lot of 7 year olds that can really dance. Maddie was 8 when we started watching her, and I’ve seen some videos of her when she was 6 and 7, and personally I think she was better, and I’m really not a big Maddie fan, but just thinking of someone to compare. I think what stands out with Asia is her provocativeness, her tricks/gymnastics and just that huge attitude she displays. So far that’s what I’ve seen. Maybe my opinion will change the more I see of her, but so far I am not too impressed. I’m so not a fan of little girls dancing sleazy. I know that’s not their fault, but still, it’s hard to watch.. If I were a judge, I would most definitely mark down for that!

  26. 26
    Sierra
    Posted October 17, 2012 at 11:18 am

    My sister is in the same ballet school as Tua, (Who by the way does not actually live in Hawaii; she lives in Seattle) and DANG. I’ve seen her mother and can honestly say that she is just as crazy as she is on TV.

    I hated that Abby picked Elizabeth (I think?) as the challenge winner. If the challenge was supposed to be on their technique, she should have been judged on her technique, and technique alone, yes? So hypocritical.

  27. 27
    Pegalicious
    Posted October 17, 2012 at 6:38 pm

    @Dani, thanks for posting that tap link. Wow. And to think I was SO proud when I learned to “shuffle off to Buffalo.”

    @Adelefig, thanks for the encouragement! After seeing that amazing tap video, I need it!

  28. 28
    Corinthia
    Posted October 18, 2012 at 2:54 pm

    If Amanda C looks familiar…
    She won Paula Abdul’s Live 2 Dance last year (with partner D’Angelo).
    And with *ballroom*, not the lyrical she has been shining with here.
    Look for D’Angelo and Amanda on YouTube. Loved them!

  29. 29
    April
    Posted October 19, 2012 at 4:35 am

    Thanks for the heads up about Amanda C. I think she looks great in lyrical but she needs more energy in the rest of the dances. That video of them is amazing. She is a great ballroom dancer and has a career in that in the future at least.

    What is up with people making reality tv shows like what they do all the time?

  30. 30
    Bluedog
    Posted October 23, 2012 at 9:57 pm

    Pegalicious come over to Australia. Tap is definately alive here. After all we invented “Tap Dogs”.
    We even have sections for “Mature and Motivated” in our dance competitions. Some of the ladies are in their 8O’s and still tapping. They also have great legs.

  31. 31
    Pegalicious
    Posted October 24, 2012 at 3:24 am

    Ahhh, Bluedog, yet another reason to visit Australia! If that dream ever comes true, I’ll be sure to bring my tap shoes!

  32. 32
    Diana
    Posted October 30, 2012 at 7:16 pm

    My daugther was crying when Zack got elimated she loves him.

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