ABDC: Imma Be Kicking Someone’s Ass Soon

Hi Gasmi!  We’ve got a lot to catch up on and not a lot of time to do it, so let’s jump into the Black Eyed Peas Challenge a’right?

We join Mario and the crews onstage and he’s got a feeling that tonight’s gonna be a good night.  Oh fun; he’s sure to be spouting BEP lyrics at us all night long.  Imma be pissed before this hour’s over.

Once Mario reintroduces us to the remaining eight crews, we’re ready to start finding out who is going to be safe and who is in danger of going home.  The first two safe crews are Iconic Boyz and Phunk Phenomenon.

Eh.  I liked Phunk Phenomenon but I could do without the Boyz.  Although I can’t really say I’m surprised since America does love kids.  Hey, I love kids too.  I have a kid.  I just don’t think they should get special treatment in this competition because they’re kids.  Somehow I’m thinking these guys are going to be around for far longer than I want them to be.

Iconic Boyz are going to be up first, but before we get to them Mario wants us to see what happened when Doucheface told all the crews that they’d be dancing to BEP.

Who’s excited to see me?

No one, Doucheface.  He tells the crews that the BEP are also going to be delivering personal messages to each of them.  Everyone cheers because the stage manager told them to.  So exciting.

We join Iconic Boyz in their rehearsal space where their choreographic help is keeping well hidden.  Whatever, I know you’re there.  Will.i.am tells them (via video of course) that they have a vision of everyone united.  So for their choreography they need to be connected at one point onstage.

Maybe we should like hold hands or something.  Whadda ya think?

Yo, don’t look over at him; we’re not supposed to let on that anyone is here.

They tell us they’re going to work very hard this week because this performance could make them or break them.  Kind of true of every week, isn’t it?  They’re going to work to make connecting look good.

I hate the costumes, but based on what I saw in the opener that’s going to be true of most of them.  I guess they did okay here; Chunk is still my favorite of this group and his solo section was my favorite.  I’m still not overly impressed by them.

Let’s see if the judges are more impressed than I am.

Uhhhhh…..

What JC liked about them is they their task was to connect and they actually decided to do that more than once; he appreciates that.  He also liked Chunk’s solo.  He points out that after the solo it did get sloppy; there seemed to be a bit of walking and then stopping and being cool.  He wants more.

Doucheface thinks they are just soooooooooo cute.

Something that is very far from what he is.

He liked the routine; he thinks what they have right now is the ability to take advantage of their gift.  Which is what?  Looking cute?  Shut up, Doucheface.  He then talks about the spray painted abs AGAIN like they’re real, saying he’s been working out all week, yuk, yuk, yuk.  Someone really needs to punch him in his buckteef.

Lil Mam..wait.  Hold up.

What the fuck is going on with her?  Does she think this is auditions for a remake of the Imma Be video?

Maybe she just got back from her latest clown school lesson.  Lil Mama talks about their task of connection and unifying, and right now she feels like the yoof needs to unify with each other.  She goes on to say she is the voice of the young people and if that is true then I now totally understand why old people want young to people to shut the fuck up.

She blathers on but I’m still trying to recover from the one two punch of her makeup and voice of the young people thing so I miss most of what she’s saying.  She ends by telling them she loves them.

Next up is Phunk Phenomenon.  Their assigned song is “Don’t Stop The Party” with the challenge of speed control: slowing down and speeding up.  They acknowledge there’s a lot you can do with that, but they want to do something that hasn’t been done on the show before.

That was fucking AWESOME.  Loved it.  The slow down part took such incredible control and was a great moment in the routine.  This was a great performance.

Little mama thought that was an explosive opening and she liked that they kept switching things up.

JC says they just put everybody on blast.

For real

He talks about their slowdown and that how when they first started doing it he thought they were just walking into place and then he was like a d’oh they are slowing it down.  He can’t believe Bebo’s foot didn’t even touch the ground.

Doucheface wants to know what they can’t do.

Um, look as goofy as you?

He thinks it’s so brilliant that they can do everything.  He can’t wait to see next week.

We take a quick break and then we’re back with the six remaining crews and Mario is ready to announce two more safe crews for next week.  They are…

I’m So happy about IaMmE and honestly I’m not too surprised that Street Kingdom is safe.  Well, maybe a little surprised. I didn’t actually think that their performance went that well last time but there were other crews I liked less so I guess what I’m saying is I’m okay with them being safe.  For now.

IaMmE is gonna be first and they’re dancing to “Meet Me Halfway”.  Their challenge is gonna be to transform into a machine which is really kinda cool considering their style of dance.  This seems like a challenge that will be well suited to them.

Chbeeb tells us they like to videotape their performances and them watch them to see themselves from the camera’s perspective.  Pervs.  Just kidding!  He thinks the hardest part of the challenge is taking in the notes the JC gave them from last time about being in the middle of the stage all the time.  They are really going to try and incorporate his notes.

LOVE this crew!  Love, love, LOVE the machine transformation and how clean they are with their movements.  They are still my favorite crew at this point.

Doucheface thinks this challenge was perfect for them and they executed it greatly.  He does think that they need to be careful of their choreography and to remember it always goes back to dance.

And then he shows them how big his dick a dick he is.

Lil Mama says she thinks that this crew was the most improved so far.  I think she is the most brain damaged out of all the judges.  Seriously.  They were great their last time around so I don’t really get her comment.  But then again she rarely makes sense so I don’t know why I even let it bother me.

Yabba doobie doobie do!

She loves how they transformed into a machine multiple times and she thinks they gave swag to their vehicle.  She also thinks they incorporated more choreo and they really transformed into a transformer.

I beg to differ!

JC  likes that they videotape themselves.  Oh JC, please don’t go down the Shane road; we need you!  I think it’s funny that he thinks it’s super smart for them to tape themselves because I know a lot of dancers that do that so they can dance full out and then concentrate on corrections later, but whatever.

Well, I would’ve never thought of that

He does point out that he doesn’t think that they understood his note from last week because everything was still in the middle.  It spread out but they always went back to the middle.  He would like for them to think about maybe doing something over at stage right that works its way over to stage left; he really wants them to think about covering the stage a little bit differently.

Next is Street Kingdom.  Their song is “Imma Be” and they have to create futuristic battle using light sabers.  Oooooo, this could be really cool.

It was not.  God, what a cluster fuck that performance was.  First of all, they did not do a battle, period.  They waved the light sabers around and posed but there was no battle evident on that stage.  I did not like this at all.

Lil Mama respects that they’re bringing choreography into krumping.  Too bad they’re not bringing GOOD choreography to krumping!  She points out that this is the biggest crew to ever hit ABDC and there sure as shit are enough of them that they should have been able to bring a fucking battle.  Bring it.

Don’t make me kick y’alls asses.

JC thinks it started a bit slow but when they began to incorporate the light sabers it picked up in a big way for him.  He thinks they had some great visuals and that’s part of the task.  He liked the light sabers but he thought it was slow in the beginning.

Doucheface tells them he loves their movement because it’s so unique and it’s so their passion and that’s the gift that they have.  He feels like they need to figure out a way to communicate with people at home so that they can understand and see the brilliance that he sees in them.

Translation: I think this routine sucked but I’m afraid you’ll kick my ass if I say that.

After another quick break we are back for more results.  787 Crew and FootworKINGz, one of you is safe and one will battle it out in the bottom two.  Oh, this is a no brainer; I can call the bottom here in the blink of an eye.

What the fuck?!?!?!?!?!?

That is some sort of Bullshit.  How the fuck are FootworKINGz in the bottom?  I don’t get it.

Grrrrrrrrrr.

So that leaves Instant Noodles and Request.  Again, one will be safe and one in the bottom.  I sort of don’t really give a crap which of these guys ends up in the bottom.  I mean, if we look at dance and put aside my annoyance about the whole New Zealand thing, then I guess I’d say Instant Noodles should be in the bottom.  But I won’t cry if it’s Request. And so it is.  Eh.

787 Crew is up and of course we have to revisit the whole broken leg tragedy.  UGH.  Can we just get to their song and challenge?  They’ll be dancing to “Boom Boom Pow” and they have to teleport during their routine.  Wow.  That’s pretty harsh.  I have to admit, I chuckled a bit because I’m still bitter about FootworKINGz.  What?

I liked this a lot.  Last time around they didn’t really impress me, but I gotta say I really was digging this.  I love how they worked out the teleporting; I thought it was clever.  They’ve just moved up a notch for me.

Doucheface  thinks they are so sick.  I think he makes me sick.

blarf

He thought the teleport trick was brilliant and he loves that they’re using stunts creatively.  He tells them to keep up the creativity and cleverness, they’re great.

Lil Mama starts out by speaking Spanish to them.  Well, reciting the numbers of their crew to them in Spanish.  She’s so bilingual, isn’t she?

That goes along nicely with her bipolar disorder.

She loves them and totally agrees with Doucheface.  She thinks they’re holding it down for the B-boys and for Puerto Ricans and she thinks they’re sexy.  Uh…………has she been drinking?

JC says there’s a lot that he liked about this performance.  They started very high energy, but he’d also like for them to listen more to the unexpected beats in the songs; a lot of their choreography was done to the beats he’d expect.  He also calls them out or looking a little too much like cheerleaders in some of their poses and their faces when he says it are pretty hilarious.

Time for Instant Noodles.  Their song is “My Humps” and their challenge is gonna be to create a video game.  This is another one that seems like it could be really cool if they can pull it off.

I hated this.  First of all, where was the video game?  I think I saw a couple of things but it wasn’t executed very well because I’m not really sure if what I think was the video game actually was.  I dunno what it is about these guys.  You know, in a way they sort of seem like a poor man’s Poreotix to me.  Except that I HATED Poreotix.  So they are that, but worse.  UGH.

JC thinks they’re playful and they’ve great personality on stage and he thinks this challenge was really good for them because they seem like they had fun with that.  Yeah, too bad we didn’t have fun watching them.

Doucheface says that in the package they were talking about get him on their side and they got him on their side this week.  I think that is a load of crap because they were actually better last week.  Maybe Randy called him and told him he had to be nice to the b-boys.

Yup.

Lil Mama thought they had exquisite parts; there were segments she really loved but they need to be more confident and show more in between those parts.  She could see them worrying and we shouldn’t see that at all.

Try to smile like this

Now that we’ve got through the safe crews it’s time for the bottom two to battle.  FootworKINGz won the coin toss so they’re up first.  Their song is “I Got a Feeling” and they need to float like there’s no gravity.  They’re worried because it’s hard to do fancy footwork while you’re floating.

I still like these guys; their footwork is really cool to watch.  But they screwed the pooch on their challenge.  That floating was LAME.  I still hope that Request bites it and these guys come back for another week.

As is usually the case with the bottom two crews there’s no commentary between performances, so we go right into Request.  Their song is “Dirty Bit” and their challenge is to clone themselves.  Their plan is to do a lot of moves that start out with one girl and make it seem like more come out.  Well, DUH, that’s what cloning is, right?

Well, first I have to say that their costume is the only one I actually liked tonight.  While I still don’t think they should be here, I gotta say, they did a good job with this.  They were really clean and the cloning worked well.  If I’m honest here they did outdo FootworKINGz, but I still want those guys to be the ones to stay.

Mario asks Doucheface to talk about FootworKINGz.  He thinks they came hard last week and they’re making it even harder this week.  He tells them it’s not what you do but how you do it.  Uh, it IS what you do as well in this competition, dumbass.  He tells them to keep fighting and never give up.  That Doucheface, he’s so inspiring, isn’t he?

Mario wants to know what Lil Mama thought about Request.  She feels like this was their New Z queens performance and they’re like queens up on that stage.  Huh?  She thinks they were electric and sharp and sexy and powerful and she loves it.

JC gets to talk about both crews.

As it should ALWAYS be

He’s starting with FootworKINGz.  He’s enjoyed every moment that they’ve been on stage and says they’ve done an excellent job entertaining him, the crowd and everybody.  He thinks they really embrace the musicality, which he enjoys and gives them a well done on the floating illusion.  I disagree with him on that point.

He likes that Request had two different feelings going on in their routine; one was erratic and crazy, and one was smooth.  He points out that they switched up that feeling several times during the performance and he appreciates that.

Now it’s time for the judges to deliberate.

Tell the truth.  Which one of us has the bigger schlong?

After short break we come back to find out who is staying and who is going.  Mario recaps the judges’ comments while the camera pans over the crews dramatically.  And the crew staying tonight is…..

Oh!  FootworKINGz is PISSED!!!!

Lil Bit looks like she wishes she could punch America in the babymaker right now.  Wow!

No time to dwell on that, because it’s time for their banner to fall.

Hey, what is the dealio with the literal walking out?  I like them a little less now because they seemed more like they were stomping off stage like petulant children that walking it out.  Way to be bitter guys.

So that’s a wrap on the Black Eyed Peas episode.  What did you think, Gasmi?  Can you remember that long ago?  Apologies again for the delay.  I AM trying to get my life back in order so these reaps can get back to being on time.  For reals.

I’m busting out Katy Perry next and should have it to you in a few hours so I hope you’ll come back and dish before the next episode airs.  See you soon!

SWAK, PottyMouth