ABDC: Ke$ha Suck$ A$$

Hey Gasmi, welcome to the second week of America’s Best Dance Crew!  I’m not sure if you’ve heard or not, but this is the Season of the Superstar.  Shhhh, don’t tell anyone; it’s a secret.  This week’s “superstar” is Ke$ha.  Thankfully I’m fortified with an entire pitcher of mango mojitos.  Something tells me I’m going to need it all.

So this week we get to meet the remaining five crews.  Just like last week, they are starting out with an opening number, this time to Ke$ha’s “We R Who We R”.

This number was definitely not as good as last week’s, and it’s not just because I can’t stand Ke$ha.  Just as I foresaw, I’m immediately annoyed by the pole dancers.  Honestly, it’s not just them; I think last week’s crews made a bigger and better impact in the opener.  Hopefully they’ll do better in their individual performances.

Mario enters in one of his many purple tops and tries to convince us that tonight’s episode is going to be heart pounding.  Not if that opening number is anything to go by.  Also, Ke$ha herself is going to deliver the challenges.  Yipee.

Remember when Missy Elliot actually came and judged the crews?

Not that I want Ke$ha to show up or anything, but prerecording messages on the phone isn’t exactly delivering the challenges herself.  Well, it sort of is, but you know what I mean, right?

First up, FootworKINGz from Chicago, IL.  Trevell tells us you can only learn their dance style in Chicago.  They work to make sure their feet catch every beat; I’m tired just thinking about that.  And then they demonstrate some of the steps that go into their style like the erk and jerk (dated him), mike n ike (those guys are trouble), and dribbles (I might be doing those after I finish my pitcher of mojitos).

They also have a girl in their crew dubbed Lil Bit who tells us she does NOT want to feel like the weakest link in her group.  She works hard to make sure that doesn’t happen.  Ke$ha (or a robot made up to look like Ke$ha) tells them they will be performing to “Tik Tok”.

I liked this.  It didn’t blow me away, but I thought they did a really good job here of showing us what they’re about.  Honestly, I thought we were in for another retread of Beat Ya Feet Kings, but I thought that these guys were a hell of a lot better than they were.  I’m not sure how they’ll stack up for me against last week’s crews, but so far I like them.

Let’s see what the judges think.  Lil Mama first tells Lil Bit she was great.  She talks about how this is a new dance style for the show, so I guess they’re vastly different than Beat Ya Feet Kings?  Now I’m confused..  She thinks they’re like a gust of fresh air and she loves them for airing out the place.

SRSLY.  Have you smelled Dominic’s breaf?

JC talks about how their style is all about the speed and how difficult that is to keep under control; it’s fast, but it also has to be clean.  He thinks they accomplished that this week.  He points out an ankle break move that one of the guys did and makes sure to let us know just how hard and dangerous that is to do.

You know you could have really broken your ankle?  SO dangerous.

Mario moves on to Dominic who lets out a high pitched scream.  UGH.  Someone shove a sock in his mouth please.  It reminds him of the New Jack swing era but on steroids.  He thought they were mad dope.

And I know ALL about dopiness.

After a quick break for commercials where I am still being assaulted visually by Taylor Swift’s horrendous dancing, we’re ready for our next crew, 787 Crew from Puerto Rico.  They tell us they’re going to bring high energy, stage presence, stupid hairdos, and big tricks that will amaze America.

Ke$ha delivers their challenge:  don’t blow it while dancing to “Blow”.  Oh that Ke$ha, she’s so witty.  It’s hard for them to do their tricks to that song because the song is really fast.  Wah, wah, wah.  Oh, but then they really have a reason to cry because during dress rehearsal, one of their crew broke his leg doing a flip.  Yikes!

Por favor vote por mi equipo para que me compre una camisa que cubra mi pezón.

Dude broke his leg, why does he look like he’s laying there dying or something?  I feel like I’m watching a telenova.  Anyway, they have to rework the routine so let’s see how they manage that.

Considering they had to rework their choreography, I think they did a pretty good job here.  That said, I wasn’t amazed by any of their tricks, that’s for sure.  I think they tried to add in some choreography, but they’re going to need to kick it up a notch to impress me.  I am curious to see what they bring when they don’t have to revamp because of injuries.

Mario wonders if they have anything to say to their fallen member. Phantom gives him a shout out, saying they love him and he’s their brother and none of this would be possible if he wasn’t in their group.

Well, except for right now when we did it without you.  Feel better!

Dominic says if that’s how they perform with six, he can’t wait to see seven.

Hey dumbass!  Seven broke his leg; you won’t be seeing him dance anytime soon you fucking buffoon!

Dominic thinks they are dope.  Of course he does.  He’s a big fan of stunts and he gives them props for doing stunts AND choreography.

It was mind blowing for Lil Mama because they brought out so many different styles tonight.

I wasn’t expecting that many hairstyles in one group.

She was expecting something more stereotypical, like the Spanish accent/Rosie Perez imitation she attempts.  She gives a shout out to her boy Pery (broken leg dude), 787, and the 718 (of course she did).

JC thinks they stepped up to the plate and really performed tonight.  He gives props to the guy that did the back flip that broke his teammate’s leg, saying that takes guts to do after you see someone injured doing the same move.

He points out that they did about fourteen or fifteen tricks but not a lot of choreography.  He wants to see more choreo and warns them not to blow their trick wad all at once.  This is a marathon, not a sprint.

After Mario delivers the breaking news that this is the season of the superstar, he tells us it’s time for the youngest crew to take the stage.  That would be Iconic Boyz from Englishtown, NJ.  This crew ranges from ages ten to thirteen.  They start out with a rap about themselves which immediately makes me want to punch all of them in the face.

This stupid hairdo is not helping.

They’ve been dancing together for about two years.  What they don’t mention is that they auditioned for that abomination of a show Live to Dance that I had the unfortunate task of recapping.  Oh look!  The one kid is going to tell the story again about how he had to give up playing baseball and basketball for dance.  And the other kid is going to say how other kids gave him a hard time about dancing.  Until they saw his awesome moves, that is.

Ke$ha delivers their challenge via laptop.

All the better to hide Chunk’s chubbie

They’ll be dancing to “Your Love is my Drug” which I find pretty inappropriate for ten to thirteen year olds.  The kids talk about how hard it’s going to be to make up dances without their dance teacher Geo (from season one’s ICONic).  I’m more interested to see if they’re going to be given any special treatment because they’re kids.

Meh.  I think I actually like Chunk the best out of the group because he was hitting it like no one’s business.  Other than that, I was unimpressed.  I didn’t see anything here that I haven’t already seen a thousand times at dance competitions, oh, and better than what they did too.  I also want to know if they got help choreographing the number; not that I think it was that good, just curious if they did it themselves or if they got help.

And so it begins.

JC was pleasantly surprised and thinks they stepped up to the plate.

And here I thought we were friends, JC.

He thinks at first glance people are going to have a hard time taking them seriously and then he shows a slo-mo which is meant to illustrate to us how they’re thinking beyond their years.  Whatever, JC.  If a grown up crew had done this routine you’d be saying something different right now.

Dominic calls them a bunch of dancing Justin Biebers which is actually a recurring nightmare that I have from time to time.  Don’t ask.  He’s a big fan of theirs and loves how they brought the Jersey flavor to the stage.  He doesn’t think they’re just good for kids; they’re just good period.

Mad props for being so short!

Oh, and on his continuing Quest to prove that he’s a dumbass, Dominic talks about the one kid’s sprayed on abs like they were really his abs.  I may not make it through the season with this mad dope.  Yo.

Lil Mama thinks they came out like they’re going for these older dudes, CAP.  I don’t know what that means.

Uh, Lil Mama?  That is an inappropriate face to make while judging kids.  For real.

And then she does a crappy Italian accent.  Glad to see she’s an equal opportunity accent mangler.

Next up is the stripper pole crew, Jag6ed from Crenshaw, CA.  Mario tells us that they are out to prove that pole dancing doesn’t HAVE to be erotic.  The ladies tell us that pole dancing may look easy but it’s not.  It hurts.

Their Ke$ha song is “Sleazy” which is pretty funny considering that’s exactly what they’re trying not to be.

And here I thought that jump ropers would be the worst I’d ever see on this show.  Wow did that SUCK.  Maybe they SHOULD try to dance more like strippers because I’ve seen how some of those girls work the pole and they blow these chicks away.  Even worse, when they were on the floor and dancing it was even worse.  I swear at one point it looked like they were playing ring around the rose.  SO BAD.

Dominic is a twelve year old so he loved it.  In fact, I think it’s best if I just quote him directly here: “I can’t help it, like I’m a man and y’all waving your hair and there’s four girls on a pole, if I see that I have nothing else to do but get hard nipples.”

Do I need to mention I have a boner too?

Lil Mama thinks there’s something wrong with him.  For once she knows what she’s talking about.  Lil Mama tells them they have to bring it (which they’re not right now); she commends them on their strength, but she’d like to see them kick it up a notch.

Or kick Dominic in the crotch, whichever you’d prefer.

JC doesn’t think the poles are a big deal, but he points out that they were twirling on said poles spread eagle while saying they’re not trying to be sexy.  He also doesn’t like that they spent a lot of time walking around; you know how JC hates those walking transitions.

Our last crew is Instant Noodles from Orange County by way of Taiwan.  They grew up together in Taiwan and came out to California to go to college together.  Their style is more of a light hearted approach; they want people to enjoy them as performers.

Looks like there is another injury; one of their crew ruptured his Achilles tendon so he’s not able to dance this week; if they make it further he may get to dance with his crew on the ABDC stage.

Their song is “Dirty Picture” and they tell us it’s hard because as a b-boy crew you don’t normally dance to Ke$ha.  I do have to say, I like their tagline:  “We are Instant Noodles and we will serve you in three minutes or less.”  Cute!

Meh.  I am unimpressed.  There wasn’t much dancing here and in all honesty their tricks are nothing that I haven’t seen before and better.

Lil Mama thinks they were entertaining and took full advantage of the stage.  She also wants the bedazzled camera because she is distracted by shiny objects.  Surprisingly she does not attempt an awful Asian accent.  Oh darn.

JC liked that a lot of the performance was low (you know how he loves his levels); he doesn’t think they’ve ever seen a routine where that much of it was low.  He thought it was great to see; not that they should do that every week.  Just the once was okay.

Uh oh, Dominic looks like he is constipated.

Must be all that cheese he’s been serving.

He says it hurts him to say this because he loves b-boying so much; after all, he grew up in it, but he didn’t like it at all.  He thinks they have the tools but he felt like everything was predictable.  He could see all their moves coming from a mile away; it’s not what you do, it’s how you do it.

And so, all five crew have performed and now it’s time for the judges to decide who will be staying and which crew will get the boot.  I’m hoping that either the stripper pole crew or little kid crew goes home, but I won’t be sad if Instant Noodles goes either.

After a quick break it’s time to find out which are the first two crews moving on to next week’s show.  They are…..FootworKINGz and Iconic Boyz.  Yay!  And Bleh.  The next crew moving on is 787.  Oh good; here’s hoping that they’ll be able to afford a nipple covering shirt for their friend soon.

So now it’s down to NotStripperz and Instant Noodles.  It’s a no brainer here that Instant Noodles is going home since they always keep the fucking gimmick crews around forever.

And……wrong.

So they keep Instant Noodles and boot the NotStripperz.  I bet it’s because those poles weigh a ton and no one wants to have to deal with them every fucking week.  Or it could be because they sucked ass.

And their costumes are terrible.

No matter the reason, their banner must fall….

Even their banner is stupid looking.

And then they walk it out by walking out.  Worst walk it out EVER.

And that’s it for this round, Gasmi.  What did you think of these crews versus our other group?  I think group one was much stronger.  FootworKINGz is my favorite of this bunch, but I’m curious to see what I think of them once they’re performing on the same show as week one’s crews.

Do you think the right crew got the boot?  Did you think the kids got preferential treatment?  Who are your favorites of this bunch?

I’m heading off for vacation tomorrow, but I will be recapping Thursday’s episode just as soon as I can.  The next round will give us the music of The Black Eyed Peas.  I wonder if Fergie’s face is still looking wacky.  I guess we’ll find out together!

SWAK, PottyMouth