ABDC: Meet Half Your Season Six Crews!

Hey Gasmi!  Are you ready for a brand new season of America’s Best Dance Crew?  I don’t know about you, but to me it feels like it’s been ages since season five closed its doors.  As you may remember, I was no fan of the winning crew and I have to tell you, time has not made me fonder of them.

Bleh.

At least Super Crew finally moved off the bottom rung of the ABDC ladder.  Anyway, enough talk of the past; let’s get to this season.  Have you heard?  It’s the Season of the Superstar.

Their definition obviously differs from mine.

Each week the crews will perform to the music of a different “superstar”.  No mention if the corny gimmicks will also remain, but I’m thinking the safe bet is YES.  So a little Bieber and magic tricks?  Black Eyed Peas and dance crazes?  Yes, I am super excited already.

Okay, truth be told, I AM excited.  Not about the “superstar” theme, but about FINALLY having good dancing back on my TV.  After covering the godawful Live to Dance I have been waiting with baited breath for a show that I know will deliver the goods (most of the time).  So let’s jump right in!

Hey dawg, do these moobs make me look fat?

Yes, Randy.  Yes they do.  He reminds us that it’s the season of the superstars (AHHHHH) and tells us that we’ve never seen stars like this.  Cue clips of the past five seasons’ winners. Oh Jabba and Quest, how I miss you.   We Are Heroes too.  Sort of.

Mario pipes up to tell us how the show has inspired the nation and we seem some brief clips of the ten competing crews for this season.  But then Mario tells us that five crews will be performing tonight.  Huh?  So is this really like those audition and semi-final rounds of years past?

YUP.  Five crews tonight, five on the next episode.  The judges will send one crew from each week home before America even gets to vote.  BOO.  I hate when they do this shit because inevitably there’s gonna be a crew kicked off that won’t deserve it based on the other group of crews.  Will that be this week’s boot or next weeks?  I dunno, I don’t have ESPN.

I totally know who’s the worst you guys.

We’re starting out this season with a group number performed to Lil Wayne’s “Six Foot, Seven Foot”.  You guessed it; Lil Wayne is this week’s superstar.

That was an awesome start to the season.  The judges agree with me and are already on their f..wait.  What?!?!?!

Why is Dominic Sandoval goofing it up at the judges’ table????

Oh Gasmi.  I have good news and kinda sorta possibly barfy news.  The good news is that Omoron has left the building.  Can I get a woowoo??  The kinda sorta possibly barfy news is that his replacement is none other than Dominic “D-Trix” Sandoval.  ½ an UGH.

So here’s my thing about Dominic.  I actually like the guy when he’s dancing; I think he’s a great dancer.  His personality gets on my last nerve.  From his pervy inappropriateness with Cat Deeley to his hamming it up for the camera, I find him to be grating and extremely exhausting.  That said, he is an improvement from Omoron, but I still wish they could find a hip hop choreographer to be a judge (NOT Laurieann!!!).

Mario and his dimples remind us YET AGAIN that this is the season of the superstars.  I think he thinks if he says it enough it means it’s true.  After an intro of the judges, it’s time to get down to some dancing.

First up, I aM mE from Houston, Texas.

YAY!!!! Phillip Chbeeb!!

I’m so excited to see Phillip in this crew you guys!  I think he’s awesome.  You may remember him from So You Think You Can Dance; he was Jeannine’s (the winner) partner for the first half of the season.  While he certainly was NOT the best dancer they had that season, he always gave his best and was a really great and supportive partner for Jeannine.  I’m looking forward to seeing him in his element.

Anyway, they tell us their name stands for Inspire, Motivate and Energize.  Sounds like one of those inspirational posters you can buy for your office, doesn’t it?  They’re all about mind fucking brain banging which means they want you to have to go back and rewind to really get what they’re doing.  Hey, if they can bang my brain real good, I’m all for it.

They’ll be dancing to Lil Wayne’s “Ride Above It”

LOVE these guys!  Their tutting was sick.  They had great synchronization, and their performance ended too soon for me, which is always a good thing.

Let’s see what the judges think, D-Trixareforkids?

Yo!  I think you just banged my brain HARD.

He says this show is all about bringing something that America has not seen yet and that is the ultimate definition of that right there.  Huh?  He also thinks they’re clever and it’s mathematics right there.  What, like 1+2=you’ve been banged?  What the fuck is he even saying?

I’d say it’s like English, but I failed that.

Let’s just leave it at he loved them and move on to our next incoherent judge, Lil Mama.

Y’all brain banged me so hard that I can’t find my neck!  Have any of y’all seen it?

First she wants to congratulate everyone on the opening number.  She likes this crew because they give us pictures and illusions, but still dance.  She was gonna say they’re missing choreography but she thinks maybe it’s that they’re bringing something new and she needs to get used to it.

JC?

Don’t brain bang me in a clump, I want it spread out, mmmkay?

He likes their style a lot, but cautions them against doing most of their routine in the middle of the stage.  One thing they need to learn about JC quickly is that he LOVES formation changes, levels and use of the stage.  Overall he was very entertained and looks forward to being banged again.

Next up is a crew called Phunk Phenomenon from Boston, Massachusetts.  East Coast represent!  They describe their style as organized chaos.  I immediately translate that to sloppy and hope that I am wrong.  Three of the guys are brothers and tell a story of how their dad asked when they were going to be on the show before he died.  Awwww, I’ve never heard of someone auditioning for a dead parent before.  Snifflesniffle barfatthesobstory.

Their Lil Wayne track is “A Milli”.  Milli Vanilli?

I like these guys.  They didn’t bang my brain or anything, but I thought they did a good job here.  I still think the time they give these crews is too short.  Eh.  Let’s see what the judges think.

Lil Mama tells the brother that no matter what happens in their lifetime they have to keep thrusting forward.  She says they have to dance like they want it every week and they did that this week.  She appreciates that.  Keep it rocking.

JC loved the way they introduced the girl to the audience; he thinks she made a scene when she came in and he liked that.  He thinks they hit everything the way it needed to be hit and that they are a crew everyone should be on the lookout for.

Yo, it was dope and mad hard.

Thanks D-Trixareforkids, that was insightful and well-spoken.  Oh, he also thinks their performance was like a roller coaster, it had ups and downs and ups and downs.  Yes, but did it have loopty loops, huh, HUH?  Let’s take a little break.

Why is Taylor Swift trying to dance in this commercial?  Make it stop.

How awful are you if your own damn baby threatens to strangle you?

Coming to us next is Request from Auckland, New Zealand.  Uh huh.  New Zealand.  Y’all know where I’m going to go next, right?  Am I unaware of a recent purchase made by the U.S. government?  Is New Zealand a new state?  I’m sorry, but this is a crock of shit.

I was annoyed last year that they added a Canadian crew (even though they turned out to be AWESOME), but the argument could be made that Canada is in fact a part of North AMERCIA.  So, even though I’m pretty sure that’s not what they meant when they titled the show, I went with it.  But CLEARLY New Zealand is NOT a part of America, North, South or Middle.

So why on Earth are they included here?  Are we saying that we’ve already run out of talent in America? I am SOOOOOOO annoyed by this.  And yes, I know they’re the current HHI champions.  I don’t fucking care because they are not AMERICA’S best. Even if they happen to win the season.  ARGHx500billionty.

And trying to fool people into thinking you’re from Hawaii isn’t going to work either.

They tell us that they’re all Polynesian so they call their dancing Polliswag, taking inspiration from many things from their culture.  Also, one of their crew has a large red birthmark that she used to try to cover up but the power of dancing has given her the self confidence to roll with it and stand proud.  I actually like that.

Girl, I said I like your story!  Don’t give me the NZ evil eye!

Their song will be “Knock Out” which they tell us is out of their comfort zone since it is more of a rock song.  Being the first international crew they really want to make a great first impression.

Mission not accomplished.  Before I say anything about the routine I have to start with their outfits.  Holy fluorescent leopard!!!  Maybe some crazed neon color loving PETA people thought they were really wearing leopard skin or something?

As far as their routine goes, I was not impressed.  That said, I think they were sort of screwed by their song.  I have actually looked them up on YouTube and they are really good (Obviously if they won HHI) so it stands to reason that something was off here.  It felt sloppy and all over the place and I think we all know they can bring something better than what they did this time around.

JC thinks they were great and started off explosively.  They didn’t waste any time getting everyone’s attention.  He thinks their energy is what makes them great, but cautions them not to make it one note.

Do you guys have those leopard pants in my size?

D-Trixareforkids is a horny little twelve year old on the inside so he loves them and wants to bone them.

I’m hoping this judging gig will help me get laid.

He really likes that they mix it up with who is in the front, not giving too much time to any one person.  They’re not hiding their weaknesses and he thinks that that is because they don’t have any.

Lil Mama calls them a secret lethal weapon and like that they bring sexy and heavy together.

Did she just call us fat?  I’ll Polliswag all OVER her ass!

Our next crew is going to be Eclectic Gentlemen from North Hollywood, California.  Interesting tidbit about this crew:  their original crew name was Ocean’s 11 which explains their hand sign of an O with a finger up on either side.  I’m guessing the show made them change the name for copyrighting reasons or something along those lines.

Anyway, they tell us that they think of themselves as the sexy guys in bowties.  I always love when a guy tells me just how sexy he is.  They think that hardcore dancing doesn’t mean hoodies; they take pride in how they look.  Okay, thanks for telling us that you’re vain.  Also?  They’ve had hard times.  Waaaaah.

They’ll be dancing to “Fireman”.

Eh.  I’ve seen so much better.  This was another crew that felt sloppy to me.  And that firetruck?  I’ve seen better at the Mummer’s parade and I’m not talking about the flashy ones later in the day, I’m talking about the drunken clowning people in the morning.  In other words?  The firetruck sucked drunken Philly bawls.

Uuuhhhhh.

For a minute I think D-Trixareforkids is going to tell them it was stinky, but no, he isn’t going to bring any real criticism here.  He thinks they’re making it way too hard.  He likes that they’re trying to tell a story, but he didn’t like the fire truck.  He stops short of saying it sucks, but you know he’s thinking it.

Lil Mama loves their diversity of dance and she thinks being on this show will show the people that told them they couldn’t do it that anything is possible.  Keep doing what you do.

Except for that firetruck shit.  That shit was wack.

JC thinks it’s refreshing to see people step up to the plate and be gentlemen and treat people with respect.

Now if only you’d treat us to some better dancing.

He likes the way they go from hard to smooth so effortlessly (I bet!) but he does caution them because a lot of times when they are upright the moves seem a bit stiff.  He likes it when the choreography is tight; just don’t let it get stiff.

We’ve got one more crew to go: Street Kingdom from Los Angeles, California.  Their leader, Tight Eyez is one of the founders of krump and starred in the documentary Rize.  Actually, one of the crew tells us that Tight Eyez is THE creator of krump and then I’m confused because I thought Lil C was one of the krump creators.  Anyone know the story here?

Tight Eyez talks about what an aggressive dance form krump is; every move you make, you’re gonna feel it.  But it’s not just about violence, they can dance.  This is a supertight crew.  They all live in the same apartment complex; they read the bible (together?), go to church and practice in their church.  He thinks that dancing Christians are already stereotyped.

I don’t know why he’d say that

Well Tight Eyez and his crew are here to set the record straight.  I can’t say I blame him; it’s pretty sad that the first thing I thought of when he said Christian dancers was fucking Riverdance.

Their song is “I’m Not a Human Being” which they think is appropriate for their crew because humans can’t move like them.  Ya gotta love that swagger.

Hmmm.  Here’s the thing; I think this crew was screwed a little by the cameras.  There were a bunch of times when I couldn’t see what was going on as a whole because the crew is so big and was using the whole stage.  I have mixed feeling about what I did see.  I think they hit it hard, but it felt really sloppy in some places.  But that’s also part of the nature of krump; it’s not necessarily meant to feel polished; it’s supposed to have a rawness, a spontaneous edge to it.

So even though they weren’t my favorite of the night, I’m going to say I’m interested in seeing them again.  Hell, the thought of krumping to a Bieber song has me grinning from ear to ear wondering how the fuck they’re going to do that if they make it that far!

Mario tells us he’s all fired up now.

Someone hose him down.

Lil Mama wants them to understand that not everybody might quite understand that yet, period.

No, that’s YOU you’re thinking of Lil Mama.

She goes on, saying that that’s the spirit taking over the body within itself.  Krumping arises from your body just letting loose and letting go and it’s about expression and she appreciates that.  Of course she does.

JC’s still thinking about the fact that they krump in their church; that just blows his mind.  He’s excited that they’re using their power for good.  He thinks what they’re doing is going to help the show and dancing, period.

D-Trixareforkids tells the audience that they are witnessing history right now.  He’s been a fan of Tight Eyez since Rize and doesn’t know how they’re going to judge him on a genre he created.  For years, YEARS, we’ve tried to have krump on reality TV but only on ADBC can we get Tight Eyez and the Street Kingdom here on this stage tonight.

Jeez, D-Trixareforkids……kiss ass much?

And then he gives them a standing ovation which Lil Mama joins in with right away while JC stands up somewhat reluctantly.  I guess we know they’re not going anywhere, huh?

Now that all five of the ten crews have performed it’s time for the judges to deliberate.  They have to decide which crew gets the boot before the voting starts.  I’m thinking it’s going to be between Eclectic Gentlemen and Request.  Since there’s NO WAY they’re going to send back the ALL GIRL crew from NEW ZEALAND, I’m thinking that Eclectic Gentlemen will be the ones to get the boot.

I can’t y that decision is going to piss me off because they were one of the weakest crews tonight, but I’m not going to lie and pretend that I don’t still have a bug up my ass about the crew from mother fucking NEW ZEALAND.  Sigh.

Mario’s ready to give the results…..”All five crews just stormed the stage with all they’ve got but one of them is about to be cut.”  The first two crews safe and moving to the next round are…..Street Kingdom and Phunk Phenomenon.

They are excited and jump up and down and then run off to celebrate backstage.  The next crew safe and moving on to next week is…..I aM mE.  YES!!!!!!  That makes me extremely happy as they are my current faves.

So as predicted it has come down to Request and Eclectic Gentlemen, whose banner will fall?

Buh-bye self proclaimed sexy guys in metallic bow ties.

And that’s it for this episode, Gasmi.  Next week five different crews will perform to Ke$ha.  MUST BUY ALCOHOL.  MANY, MANY ALCOHOL.

So what did you think of this round, Gasmi?  Were you annoyed by the inclusion of a New Zealand crew or do you think I’m overreacting yet again?  Do you think the right crew left?  What did you think about the krumpers and are you as worried as I am about the judges being able to, you know, judge them?

I can’t wait to hear what YOU think!

SWAK, PottyMouth