ABDC: The Ultimate Battle. Yeah, Right

Hey Gasmi!  So we’ve just got this episode to get through and then on Sunday we’ll find out who will be crowned this season’s winner.  I have a pit in my stomach just thinking about the way this might turn out.

But enough of that.  Let’s try to enjoy this filler packed episode and vote our fingers to the bone trying to make sure that the right crew takes home the title.  Mmmmkay?

We start the evening with Mario and the two crews center stage.  Apparently the crowd is split between IaMmE and Iconic Boyz fans.  Whatever.  Mario tells us that tonight the crews will smash the stage in the ultimate blowout battle.  The lines will be open for voting as the show goes on, so Mario begs IaMmE fans the viewers to keep on voting.

Please!  I can’t lose this job.  I got nowhere else to go…I got nowhere else…I got nothing

We get brief clips of the crews before going over to a fake news conference with Doucheface as the announcer.

You just know he was licking Lil Mama and JC’s asses for a chance to be the one doing this segment.  Each team says what they’re going to do and/or talks a little smack, but my favorite is Jaja.

I come all the way from Czech to destroy Iconic Boyz

LOVE HER.

Also?

Bwahahahaha!

Moon knew they were going to do that!

Mario wonders which crew has what it takes to be a champion.  I think we all know the answer to that question, don’t we?

Are you ready for some filler?  Good, cause there’s some coming right at ya!  Did you ever watch the crews’ performances and think there’s one that you’d love to see again?

Nope.

Well, I know that if you’re like me the opposite is true when you think of IaMmE’s performances throughout the season.  I’d be happy skipping the other group entirely in favor of more IaMmE.  Luckily we starting with them first, and as we relive some of their moments, the judges share some thoughts with us.

Why do people think I’m annoying?  I’ll have to get more camera time to make them change their minds

Today I am channeling my spirit animal.  The porcupine.

Listen.  I’ve had to keep my mouth shut all year, but if you vote those little fuckers the winners of this season, my head will explode.  I shit you not.

JC looks very serious, doesn’t he?

Their encore performance is going to be their “S&M” routine from Rhianna week.  Remember it?  Chachi was Spidergirl?

So it’s not just meant to be an encore performance.  They’re meant to take the routine and make it even better than the first time around.  And boy howdy did these guys do that!  Have I said lately that I love them?  Are you sick of me saying it yet?  Too bad, because I‘ll never stop.  NEVER, I say!

JC sys it’s interesting because they’re asking them to redo a number they’ve already done which can be scary because they have to challenge themselves to make it even better.  He loved what they did here.  He says they’ve given them another dimension in this performance.  He says “America, this is a great crew standing here in front of you.”

Do I need to spell it out any more?

Lil Mama feels like they took a provocative record and made it relatable to all ages.

You’ve brought S&M to the yoofs.  I appreciate that.

Yes, I’m sure parents will be a okay with the whole S&M thing if they weren’t before this routine.  What a dummy.

Doucheface says he loves this show so much; he could watch them over and over and over again.  He can’t wait to see them battle.

Ready for some more filler?  Mario informs us that for the first time ever we’re gonna get to see what happens behind the scenes in the life of an ABDC contender.  Lucky us!

We rehearse.  A lot.

We rehearsing all da time

Chbeeb tells us a lot of people don’t know how they come up with their routines; they like to videotape them.  Uh, Chbeeb, the people that watch this show already know that because you told us before.  Silly Chbeeb.

We find out that every one of them has gotten at hurt at point or another during the competition, and Jaja was even sent to the hospital.  Chachi tells us they’ve become a stronger group on this show.  I love these guys.

Now that I’m feeling all warm and fuzzy, I guess it’s time to get irritated.  That’s right folks, it’s time for the Iconic Boyz segment of the show.  Let’s see what thoughts the judges want to share with us about Iconic Boyz.

I’m just sticking to the script here peeps.  Randy told us we all had to say super nice things because you can’t pick on kids.  What’s a judge to do?

Shit.  There’s Randy now.  Uh………..

I have nothing of value to add

The routine the Boyz are being asked to redo is the Bieber basketball routine.  Shocking.  Lil Mama thinks it will be very interesting and JC thinks it could be really great if they choose to elevate the original choreography in a creative way.  Yeah, right.

I thought the point was to make the routine better?  It looked almost the same to me.  Well, the same as I remember because I’m certainly not going back and watching any of their dances again.

Let’s see what the judges think.

Did y’all get tans?  You’re looking kind of orange

Lil Mama loves their attitudes and thinks they bring confidence, spunk and bravery to the show.  She loves that most about them.  She likes what they did with the dance and she feels like they got handed a great theme since it’s basketball season.  What?

Doucheface starts out by saying he knows he gave them a hard time in the beginning that they’re like a bunch of dancing Justin Biebers, but he doesn’t think that anymore.  He thinks they’ve made their own thing.

Even if it makes me cringe every week

He can’t wait to see them battle as well.  Yeah, I totally believe him.

JC says he realizes what they’re going through and they actually have to balance a lot because they have to worry about schoolwork in additional to being on the show.  He points out that the other crews don’t have to worry about that, but Lil Mama smacks his arm and reminds him about Chachi.

He likes the fact that they didn’t just add a part to the routine but they added levels to change the feel of it.  I’ll have to take his word for it because I still refuse to go back and watch again.

Time for a look behind the scenes for Iconic Boyz.

Is there anything in this book about good choreography?

Then we get help from obviously mediocre grown up dancers.

And then we have tickle fights

Can you believe we’re only halfway through the show?  So because we’ve got plenty of time to kill, Mario wants to take us on a little trip to see how each crew’s family and friends are keeping it together back home.

IaMmE is first, so we hop on over to Houston for a little visit.  The person Chbeeb misses most is his mom, who pops us to tell us that the whole crew are like her children and she misses them but she also knows that this a dream for every one of them.

Chachi misses her silly girlfriends, Moon misses his parents but they’ve come from China to watch him perform for the first time; he’s really excited about that. Awwwwww.

Brandon tells us that he gave up a college scholarship for dancing.

I don’t think his parents have not yet fully recovered from that news.

But then his mom tells us dance is his dream and it’s important to him so it’s important to them.  Yay Brandon’s mom!  I love it when parents support their kid’s dreams.

Back on stage Mario asks Chbeeb how their friends’ and families’ support have helped them reach the finale.

Uh, they’ve voted for us.

Mario says friends and family are not the only ones cheering for IaMmE.  That’s right; we’re now going to take a look at their fans.

Well, that was exciting, wasn’t it?

After the clip Mario reminds everyone that the voting lines are still open.  He asks Chachi why the people should vote for IaMmE.

Because otherwise those lameass kids are going to win and this show will be a fucking joke.

Time to travel to New Jersey and get a glimpse of Iconic Boyz’ families and friends.  First stop, Icon dance complex where next season’s contenders are busy at work.

Kidz rule, grown ups drool!

Then we inexplicably join a tweener girls slumber party and truly see who has been voting for these little fuckers all season.

You are all grounded!!!  Now hand over those cell phones!

I don’t understand why we’re with some random tweens.  Isn’t this supposed to be the family and friends section?  The fan section comes later.  Urgh.

We also find out that Vinny’s dad owns a pizza place and has been bribing his customers with half price pizzas to try to get them to vote.  Sounds like bribery to me.

Mario asks Madison the same question he asked Chbeeb: how have your friends and family helped you reach this point?

Well, our moms drove us here ‘cause we can’t drive.  And Vinny’s dad bribed as many people as he could.

Wanna see their fans (even though we kinda already did)?

So…..tweens and The Situation.  Sounds about right.

Mario asks Louis why America should cast their vote for Iconic Boyz.

Because if you don’t I will hold my breath and stop my feet.  Don’t test me!  I’ll do it!

And now, FINALLY, it’s time for the crews to battle.  Swizz Beats is in the house to drop the tracks and there will be three rounds for the crews to prove why they deserve to be the champions.

There’s a section in the battle where each crew disses the other.  The Iconic Boyz have a plastic brain with them that they pass around for a while, inspired no doubt by the game of hot potato.  They end their awesome dis with one of them wiping the brain on his butt and handing it over to IaMmE’s Moon who mimes banging the brain.  Oooooo, Iconic Boyz burned them, didn’t they?  Let’s take a look at IaMmE’s dis, shall we?

Bwahahahahahahahahahahaha!

Iconic Boyz got their asses handed to them in this “battle”.  I really hope that Randy set this up as a way to illustrate what a fucking travesty it would be if they won this season.  I mean, that was really pathetic, and we’ve seen some pathetic top two pairings on this show before.  This one takes the cake and smashes it into oblivion.

The judges are up on their feet cheering because what else are they really going to do?  And now, Mario tells us, the final choice is in America’s hands.

Do the right thing motherfuckers.

And there you have it, Gasmi.  All that’s left now is Sunday’s show proclaiming the winner.  I may need to drink heavily before watching.

What did you think of this show?  Did you enjoy all the filler or do you wish we’d seen more dancing (from IaMmE)?  What about that final battle?  Do think the Boyz did well, or are you like me thinking that they got their asses handed to them?  I guess we’ll find out soon enough what everyone thought – I hope those of you with tween girls locked away their phones!

SWAK, PottyMouth