About Last Night and Kinda the Night Before

The Hills: Hypnotoad

The episode starts off with Kristin talking to Audrina, and basically spreading rumors that Stephanie spread rumors about Kristin and her drug habit(s).  And of course, since taking the blame for anything and being responsible makes Audrina feel kinda icky, she pretty much confirms that Steph probably spread the rumors.  Kristin vows to get to the bottom of this mystery.  I say go for it, Sherlock Blowmes!  Oh, and Audrina is dating Ryan Cabrera.  I am totally going to pause and let you take in that massive amount of douchery and WTF-ness.

All better?  Moving on:  Meanwhile, over on 14th Minute of Fame Blvd, Heidi and Spencer decide to unveil her new Bride of Frankenstein look at Kristin’s party.  But before the party can start, Kristin pays a visit to Stacie (who’s taking a break from giving handy j’s in the bathroom to actually pour someone a drink) to confirm that she needs to confront Stephanie about the drug rumors.  This is all just a set up for Kristin’s party which is so full of drama that even Lifetime would be like, “Oh dear god, no, that’s just too much drama for us.  We’ll focus on that story about the woman with cancer who has to get  her autistic child home from school during a blizzard.”

Multiple things happen at Kristin’s party that make it awesome:  1.) Ryan Cabrera is totally chunky now, and apparently Brody has issues with him — just like the rest of America, who have issues with his crappy music.  2.)  When Heidi enters, literally NO ONE says she actually looks good or pretty, and the reactions range from complete shock to hysterical laughter.  Which was completely rad, you guys.  Loved.  It.  3.)  Kristin confronts Steph about spreading rumors, and Steph’s basically like, Um don’t you think those random bitches who scattered out of your motel bed last week might have had something to do with spreading those rumors?  As well as syphilis?  4.)  Steph talks to Spencer for the first time in like, months, and he completely goes off on her.  Now, while it is awesome and awe-inspiring to see and document Spencer’s descent into complete madness, it was NOT awesome that he made Stephanie cry in like 2.3 seconds.  I’ve called Steph a dipshit many times, but it’s completely sad and infuriating to see her own brother (her own brother!) treat her like complete shit.  I was honestly sad for Stephanie, and really, really wanted to give her a hug.  And of course, while all this was going on, Heidi just sat beside Spencer and did nothing, like some hydrocone-addicted inflatable zombie.

And then Spencer’s friend Charlie basically tells Spencer that he needs to get his shit together, and that he’s not living in reality (again, awesome!).  And Kristin invites Steph out for dinner to basically tell her that she’s a bitch, and then Steph says that Kristin’s a bigger bitch, and then they just hate each other.  I’d like to add that I don’t know how and when I wandered over to the Stephanie Pratt side, but from now on (probably), I’m firmly on Team Steph.  Hypnotoad will hug it out with you, Steph sweetie!  Poor kid . . . Stay tuned for the recap!  Which may or may not be by me but will still be 100% hilarious!

The City: Hypnotoad

Whit got rave reviews for her fashion show!  Yay!  But she’s not done yet:  They still have to pull clothes.  And honestly?  95% of this episode is about pulling clothes.  Anyway, Whit has some meeting with some magazine editors about using her clothes for their mags!  And all the magazines are totally going to be there:  Glamour, Style, Ladies’ Home Journal, Crochet World, Cat Fancy . . . except Elle.  Which is weird, because Roxy sent Olivia an email, but apparently, Olivia is too important to, I don’t know, do her job, and I don’t know, check her email and forward the important ones to, I don’t know, HER BOSSES and stuff, so Roxy calls her at the last minute to remind her, and Olivia’s like, OMG that’s so rude to do that the last minute.  But wait!  It gets better!  THEN, Olivia shows up at Whit’s mag thing, and tells both her and Kelly that Roxy was unprofessional for calling her at the last minute (and you know, I’d normally agree with that, but this week I hate Olivia more than Roxy, so there you go), and then Olivia LIES and says that Roxy hadn’t previously contacted her.  I KNOW!

BUT!  Ohmigod, it gets so much more awesomer. There’s a staff meeting at Elle, and Olivia’s like, Meh — I don’t want to use Whitney’s clothing line for anything because she’s um, new, or . . . something?  And then Erin’s all, Well I took a gander at her look book and think it would be GREAT for something our mag is doing (more details in the recap, because I didn’t catch it all), and then (THEN!) literally everybody else in the meeting is like, Wow yeah, Whit’s great and her clothes are great and we’d be idiots if we didn’t include her in this magazine thing (again, I didn’t catch the details) because it would be perfect!  And you guys?  It.  Was.  Amazing!  I literally said to my TV, “Take that, Olivia, you vapid whore!” and then I laughed and laughed until I almost peed myself.  Loved.  It.

There’s also something about Roxy actually working and helping The City’s new Justin Bobby equivalent take some photos of people, but honestly — do you care?  No.  You don’t.  And why not?  Because I just told you not to.  What we all care about is Down and Dirty Olivia Justice, and it was so, so good this week.  So, so good.

90210 – Mones

It’s that time of year Gasmii.  The time of
year where the weather gets a little bit warmer, the trees get a little
bit greener and Mones gets a little bit busier.  I’m working overtime
for the next 2 weeks so my recaps may get shorter and upload later than
usual.  But really with this show it’s quantity not quality.  Why
should I be any different?

This week on 90210, Naomi really
sticks her foot in it.  Silver and Simi overcome another weekly
relationship crisis.  Lesbianna writes a song with a little help from
Navid, putting Lila at risk of being Rumer-ed off the show.  Liam’s
shitty dad and girlfriend push him one step closer into Annie’s
toothpick-like arms.  And Harry and Becky fill the kids in on their
marital problems.  I can’t help but wonder what Dr. Laura would have to
say about that?

Stay tuned…

Lost: Ack

In the Sideways World, Jack told Locke that he was a candidate for a new surgery that might help Locke walk again, but Locke refused!  Intrigued/obsessed by this, Jack went on a wild goose chase trying to figure out why this dude wouldn’t want to help himself.  Along the way he met Locke’s dentist Bernard, who figured out he was also on the plane with Jack and Locke.  Bernard told Jack that the accident that paralyzed Locke involved another man – one Anthony Cooper.  Jack tracked him down, and instead of being the asshole we all knew and <strike>loved</strike> hated, Cooper was a drooling vegetable!  Turns out a few years ago Locke took his daddy for a spin in a private plane, which inexplicably crashed, leaving Locke unable to walk and his father unable to function at all.  So now Locke won’t get the surgery to help himself because of – big surprise – daddy issues.  Also, Jack and Claire met up again, and it turns out Christian left Claire a music box, but neither Jack nor Claire have any idea what it means.

On the island, all the Losties minus Jack and Claire were captured by Widmore’s lackies and thrown into the polar bear cages for all of 5 minutes before Smokey swooped in, killing said lackies, which allowed Jack to set everyone free.  When the now reunited group finally made it to the Ajira plane, Smokey quickly realized that the plane was rigged with explosives!  So he took some of the C4 for safekeeping and told everyone they’d have to take the sub instead.  On the way to the dock, Sawyer and Jack hatched a plan in which Jack wouldn’t be joining everyone on the sub so he could stay on the island, but he would help to incapacitate Smokey so he <i>also</i> couldn’t come for the ride.  The only problem with that plan was that Smokey suspected it all along!  Suddenly Kate was shot by one of Widmore’s lackies, Jack brought her on the sub to save her, and thanks to Smokey’s old switcheroo, he also carried a backpack full of explosives onto the sub, which everyone quickly realized.  Sayid, finally showing some emotion, ran to the opposite end of the now submerged sub with the bomb, where he was blown to smithereens.  The sub began to sink, Lapidus was knocked out by debris, Sun was pinned to the wall, and Jin said he’d never leave her again, so they all drowned!!!  Jack saved Sawyer’s life, and Hurley saved Kate, and then everyone sat on the beach crying forever, much like the entire audience. Smokey said he had to finish the job of killing everyone, and Claire followed behind.

V: WaffleBoy

Oh Gasmii, lots and lots of stuff went down on last night’s V.  The gang shot down a V shuttle.  Yeah, striking a blow for humanity.  The only teeny tiny problem is the shuttle was ful of humans.  Wow, this is exactly like that episode of I Love Lucy.  Only instead of shooting down a space shuttle, Lucy tried to get in the show at Ricky’s club dressed as Orson Wells, and then Orson Wells showed up.  Okay, maybe it’s a little different, but Anna swears in Spanish just like Ricky at the end of the episode so I’m standing by my  tortured comparison.

FBI Mom has a busy day at work.  Yep, that evidence isn’t going to destroy itself you know.  The big plot twist?  Somebody else is destroying evidence at the FBI too, and we start to get a picture as to who that other V at the FBI probably is.

Third big event of the night?  High School Musical Kid and Space Alien Bait break up.  Why?  Well Space Alien Bait says she was just using High School Musical Kid for sex, but really it’s because his complexion is way better then hers.  Well the show tries to make it seem like Space Alien Bait is trying to foil her mom’s evil master plan, but come on; that girl has bags under her eyes you could take on a ten week cruise.

A bunch of other stuff happens, and none of it involves secret meetings in the hallways of the FBI building, so if you haven’t seen this one, you might want to check it out.

Dancing With the Stars Performance Show: Chooch (This was in on time, but due to site issues we couldn’t post it yesterday. Sorry for the wait!)

Only six “stars” left & the dancing is much more precise. Last night was “Team Dance”, one of my favorites since it was introduced a few season’s back. I can still see Team Paso Doble with Warren Sapp & Brooke Burke!

First to dance was Erin & Maks and after Len’s ranting last week, Maks was determined to stick to the ballroom-style Quick Step. Even though they DID rip off their outer clothes, revealing salmon-colored costumes, their dance was near perfect. Len was even pleased. Score: 27

Chad & Cheryl did the Viennese Waltz & even though I thought he wasn’t quite fluent in his movements. the judges disagreed with me. Bruno called him a “gentle giant”. Brooke wanted Cheryl to show off her birthday bling. Seems Chad had given her a chunky, diamond heart necklace to go with the ring he bought her a few weeks ago. She proudly showed it off. Score: 25

Nicole looked stunningly beautiful as her & Derek did the Classic Waltz. CarrieAnn: “….best dancer we’ve ever had on the show”. Len: “…just loved it”. Bruno: “…close to dancing royalty”. Still, they didn’t give her a perfect score with 9′s all the way. Score: 27

Pam & Damien also did the Classic Waltz & she was just as beautiful as Nicole. These two have a real chemistry as a couple. TMZ has reported that they party-hearty together after the results shows. Len commented that she “… needed to firm up her upper body” and use her assets. Tom jumped in, welcoming everyone to “double entendre theater”. Bruno reminded her that “there are other things to get together”. Carrie Anne piped in that the boys needed to “FOCUS!” Score: 24

Niecy & Louie did the Quick Step. Her gown would have been gorgeous if it hadn’t had such a large feather bodice. She was elegant & nailed that Quick Step. I loved it & so did the judges, saying it was her “best dance ever!” Len did comment that she needed to “lift her rib cage more”. Niecy, of course, came back with “I’ve got a lot to lift!” Score: 25

Evan & Anna changed things up & did the Argentine Tango. I had to watch it twice. It was AMAZING! CarrieAnn: “…perfect combination of power, control & sexy in a whole different way!” Len: “I know you’re nice on ice, but I had my doubts about whether you’d be good on wood.” (I wonder how long he’d been holding on to that line?) Bruno rounded out the judges enthusiasm, declaring, “You danced like a true alpha male!” Perfect Score: 30

The team dances were both Cha-Cha-Cha’s. Team GaGa consisted of Nicole, Chad & Pamela. They danced to Lady GaGa’s “Telephone” & it was smolderingly sexy. Pamela kept up with the girls & the group danced totally in sync. 9-9-9=27

Team Madonna consisted of Evan, Erin & Niecy and danced to Madonna’s “Holiday”. Their individual dances were better than their group dancing. Of course, with Maks as choreographer, they stripped off their clothes at the end, with the women revealing sexy Madonna-style corsets. 8-8-8=24

Final combined scores:
Evan & Anna 54
Nicole & Derek 54
Chad & Cheryl 52
Erin & Maks 51
Pamela & Damien 51
Niecy & Louie 49

Dancing With the Stars Results: HappyHousewife

The most exciting results show I’ve ever seen!  And I’m not being sarcastic, I’m relatively sober, and I’m not hyping for ratings like The Berge!

First shocker of the night: Erin and Maks is the first couple in the bottom two.  What the what?!?  Not only was their dancing good, Maks should never be allowed in the bottom two EVER.  As Flipit told me last night, he should win every season just for showing up.  Bonus points for getting naked.

Second:  A musical performance by a group I actually enjoy: Train singing “Hey, Soul Sister.”  Granted, lead singer dude sounds better with just a tidbit of auto tune to tone down the screech, but hey, I write better after a gallon of vodka so who am I to judge?

Third: Filler performance that was awesome as well: a group of kids swing dancing to Elvis, with the sickest tricks this side of diseased hookers.  I’m still dying over some of those lifts.  Note to self: lose weight tomorrow.

Fourth:  More Train!  Drops of Jupiter!  Whee!!!!  Wow, I should be nicer to HappyHusband more often….do you see how the universe is paying me back here?

Fifth:  Pamela suffered an injury, and surprisingly enough, it was to her leg, not a vaginal sprain as I had suspected.  No matter, however, because she was the one sent home tonight.  So sad.  Totally running out of material, and people I dislike to vote off.  Well, almost…..you can now find me blogging at www.gohomeochostinko.com.