About Last Night: Breaking Bad, Survivor, Desperate Housewives, Miss USA

Score for the Lebs!

Breaking Bad: Chooch

It was all about the money. This week we learned how the meth goes from Walt’s lab, to the packaging line, thru quality control & ends up in 5gal. buckets of “Los Pollos” spices. This is then shipped, by truck, to 15 convenient locations near you. We also find out just how much money is made manufacturing meth for three months. Jesse’s been crunching the numbers. He thinks that he & Walt are getting screwed & that’s just bullshit! At $40,000 a pound, 200 lbs a week for 3 months = $96 million for 2400 lbs. Walt & Jesse’s cut is $1.5 million each. Jesse wants more & Walt tells him to be happy, he’s now a millionaire.

Even though Hank is recovering slowly, he’s gonna need lots & lots of physical therapy. His wife finds out that health insurance is a racket, as bad, if not worse, than the meth business. They will only pay for a limited amount of Hank’s therapy. It just costs too much! Hmmmm….. Skylar gets to thinking. Walt has lots of money. He can pay for it. She’s pretty sure Walt has something to do with Hank’s demise anyways. She’s smarter than I thought she was. She spins a tale of gambling to her sister. This is the cause of all her marital woes. In front of Walt, she lays out just how his mathematical mind figured out a system of counting cards. Wallah! Tons of money to pay for everything.

Walt, on the other hand, has figured out that Chicken King Gus has masterminded a corner on the meth market by causing a bloodbath between the DEA & the Drug Cartel in Mexico. This leaves Gus the sole survivor! He confronts Gus with his findings. He knows Chicken King called Hank just before the shootout. It was on purpose, to make a big splash. Then it couldn’t be ignored by either side. This is what caused the big shoot out at the end of last week’s episode. Walt knows it saved his life & gives Gus kudos for a brilliant idea. But fair is fair. As a result, Walt & Gus cut a new deal.

Meanwhile, after a group therapy session, Jesse meets up with “Better Call Sal” at a nail salon. Sal wants him to buy it to launder his money. Jesse doesn’t want to. It’s not cool. Sal tries to give him a lesson in economics & the fact that if the feds think Jesse’s not paying his taxes, he’ll go to jail forever. Jesse’s not paying no taxes! Sal can go fuck himself. He goes & meets up with his dumbass buddies & they hatch a new plan. Fuck Walt & Sal, they’re going into business for themselves… in a whole new market. Jesse’s gonna skim off the top of the lab meth boxes & sell it to the junkies in his meth group…. simple as that. He plants Beavis & Butthead into the group therapy session & they start talking about the new meth in town & how good it is. They are there for help in trying to not give in to it, but it’s soooo good that they’re afraid they can’t resist. Everyone in group starts drooling!

Next week…. Walt’s been crunching numbers too & figures out that Jesse’s been doing some serious skimming. Things go to hell pretty quick. My hopes for Jesse are fading. He’s always going to be a dumbass!

Desperate Housewives: Hypnotoad

Okay, so apparently this season of Desperate Housewives was some sort of tease who would only let you get to 3rd base. Whore. But tonight? We go all the way, people. Because the finale. Was. Awesome. So! Much! Happened!

First of all, Lynette’s still at Eddie Strangley McGee’s house, where she finds out not only did he kill his mom, but all those other girls too! Which is such shocking news that she goes into labor. Thank god Eddie’s there to strangle the baby out of her.

Gabby found the lasagna with the hidden message last week so this week she works frantically to help comatose Nick save Danny and Angie. And speaking of Angie, Patrick makes her finish the bomb, but he lied to her about all his lame candle lighting and saving trees bullcrap and now has a diabolical plan that almost makes up for all his previous pussified-ness! Almost. I said almost.

Susan gets the lamest plot this week as she and Mike and lil’ M.J. plan to move into their low-income housing in Cabrini Green. Still, though — it’s sad! Why, Teri Hatcher, why!? Why did you make me care about Susan this year only to rip her away from me?!

Bree decides to ACCEPT Cyborg Sam’s bribery and signs her entire business over to him! Of course this comes with deep psychological issues, including shame and an intense fight with Orson that leaves their marriage practically in shambles. Shambles! Nooooooo!

And then there’s a nurse who passes along a deep, dark secret just before she dies! Also, somebody gets blown up! And an old resident from the past (like, the good past, when the show was blatantly awesome) returns! I can’t keep it in any longer — it’s Betty Applewhite! Okay, no, it’s not. But it is STILL so awesome that I can’t wait for next season! Can’t. Wait.

The 59th Annual Miss USA Pageant: Chooch

Miss Oklahoma was ROBBED!!! She was so much better than that attention-whore, Miss Michigan. She was much more poised & beautiful & she didn’t trip either. It was classic Betty & Veronica. Since the show aired at 7pm last night, the cameras shied away from the bikini bottom wedgies. They focused on their breast implants instead.

Of the 15 finalists, not a one had real boobs, except maybe Miss Kansas. She didn’t really bulge out anywhere. Also, 9 of the girls were brunettes & 6 were blondes. When it got down to the “Final 5″, four of them were blondes. The bikini segment was accompanied by “Boys Like Girls” & they rocked it. The evening gowns were a nightmare of sequins. The ladies paraded on-stage while Trace Atkins crooned a love song. I thought Miss Oklahoma’s white gown, with just the right amount of coral jewels around her breasts, shoulders & hips, was the most beautiful. Miss Michigan’s white mermaid gown was ill-fitting & totally outdated.

The worst though, was Miss Missouri’s gown, which had a sequin-encrusted bodice & an anti-freeze colored chiffon skirt. There were no real controversial questions from the judges this year. I thought for sure Paula Deen would ask about butter, but instead, she asked about oil …. specifically the oil spill in the Gulf. Oh yeah, judge Johnny Weir managed to make a costume change half way thru the show too. In the end, it should have been Miss Oklahoma for the win, but I guess The Donald just didn’t like her. By the way, I was glad to see that he is keeping his celebrity apprentices employed. Joan & Melissa Rivers even showed up. Now it’s on to the Miss Universe Pageant!

One final note… I was extremely happy with my two reality shows last night. The Survivor finale was awesome. I was so glad to see Russell lose again & still not have a clue as to why. Hurray for Sandra! On Celebrity Apprentice, Donald Trump fired the right people & left us with Bret Michaels & Holly Robinson Peete as the final two. I can’t wait for next week.

Survivor: Schoonie

THE FINALE: After Rupert is voted out, Sandra and Parvati get into a fight with Russell, who stomps around camp because he’s completely lost control, and it is glorious. At the first immunity challenge, Parvati emerges victorious yet again, which allows the team to go ahead and put Colby out of his misery. At Final Four, Jerri, Sandra and Russell get super scared of Parvati and decide that they have to beat her, and in a very cool and tense challenge, Russell barely edges her out. Even though Russell very clearly should have gotten rid of Parvati, he gets greedy and decides that putting Jerri on the jury is a vote in his pocket, so they get rid of her too, leaving a final three of Parvati, Sandra and Russell.

Before the final Tribal Council, Sandra throws Russell’s hat on the fire, offering up a bit of karmic vengeance for all the shit he burned last season. When the Final Three go in front of the jury, Russell does the completely predictable thing, telling all of them that he’s the best player and that they should reward him for it. When not one, not two, but THREE people ask Russell whether he has a problem with (as Danielle appropriately calls it) “jury management”, he vehemently denies that he has a single flaw. He is rewarded for this thinking with exactly zero votes. It is quite possibly the greatest part of a very, very good episode.

Meanwhile, the two people who can actually play the game go head to head. Parvati tells the jury that she managed Russell like her pet, pointing out all the strategic stuff she did throughout the season, and, in a very risky move, Sandra tells the jury that she tried to keep them in the game by getting rid of Russell but that they, time and time again, refused to go along with her. Her argument is basically “You should give me the money because I am awesome,” and guess what? THEY TOTALLY GIVE HER THE MONEY.

And THE REUNION is even better than the show itself. Sandra wears a crown the whole episode and tells Jeff that she’s the greatest player ever (and she’s won twice, so she has an argument), and Russell spends the whole time acting like your little brother who wants to change the rules of Monopoly so that you have to give him all your railroads when you land on Free Parking, because then he wins if the rules are different. Sandra and the rest of the group (including Jeff) spend the whole episode telling him what a stupid asshole he is, and it is wonderful, and even then he does not comprehend how fundamentally flawed he is. Russell even brings the letter JT wrote him, and he has, I am not kidding you, LAMINATED IT. That is some sad shit, right there.

Boston Rob says pretty much what I’ve been saying all season, telling Jeff that Russell plays to get to the end, but doesn’t play to win because he doesn’t understand how other people work. Then he offers to kick Russell’s ass. I can’t decide which is better, that Rob tries to kick Russell’s ass or that he says exactly what I’ve been telling you guys all season. Either way: awesome. And yes, I am the dickhead who just told you guys I’ve been right the whole time. Cram it, Russell lovers!

The whole three hours is just chock full of wonderful Sandra-isms (“Russell, no one in this room likes you except for those five people right there, your family.”). I seriously cannot wait to tell you guys all about it. The whole episode is great. In fact, this entire season is quite possibly the best this show has ever produced, and not just because Sandra won, I swear, because Parvati really should have been the winner. Either way, though, so great.