Mini caps of American Idol results and Real Housewives of New York
American Idol: IceQueen
Well, America, you’ve done it again — another shocking elimination last night on American Idol. Steven Tyler is so, so disappointed in you and Jenny from the Block is not happy. And you know what happens when Jenny from the Block gets pissed — there’s liable to be some hair pulling. Randy was pretty upset, too, but still managed to remain quite jolly. No matter what happens, he’ll still be rich and swimming in cardigans for life!
Before we get to the shocking elimination, let’s have a quick chat about last night’s performances. The contestants kicked things off with a rock medley, smooshing together “I Love Rock and Roll,” “The Letter,” and “Sweet Home Alabama.” Have you ever heard those KidzBop albums, where adorable-sounding children sing the hits of today but do completely clean versions, making songs like “F*ck You” and “DJ Got Us Falling in Love” sound totally wholesome? Well that’s what these performances are always like. Except there was nothing wholesome about the amount of cleavage Pia was showing — put those things away, girl!
Former Idol contestant Constantine Maroulis also had a smug, strange little performance of “Unchanged Melody” and we learned that the man makes some adorable babies. Later, Iggy Pop came out wearing a shirt made of wrinkled leather and bounced around the stage screaming the lyrics to “Real Wild Child (Wild One).”
Other celeb appearances were made by Gwen Stefani who mumbled a lot and helped the girls pick out their performance outfits. Russell Brand surprised them by showing up and coaching all of the contestants on being less nervous and more charming. And Harvey Levin and his TMZ minions invited the kids to their offices and exposed them to that special TMZ brand of evil to prepare them for dealing with the obnoxious, invasive media.
Jacob, Stefano and Pia landed in the bottom three this week. Jacob was sent back to safety first. Then Seacrest announced that Stefano was safe and Pia would be going home. The audience started booing and the judges appeared to be very upset, with JLo on the verge of tears. Steven has a message for America: a mistake is one thing, but a lack of passion is unforgivable.
Pia closed the show singing “I’ll Stand by You” and ended up in Jacob’s arms bawling quite audibly. It was really sad. But! Something tells me the Pride of Howard Beach will be fine. I think Pia was the best singer in the competition, she’s stunningly beautiful, and she’s already performed live in front of millions of people. She’s going to have a major contract as soon as Idol lets her out of whatever deal she unwittingly signed during the auditions. Just think, Pia — there are people out there like me: average looking with no discernible skills or talent. Where are our tears, Pia? Why don’t you cry for us?!
Anyway. Join me in the recap and we’ll discuss whether or not America made a mistake, the irrepressible juggernaut that Scotty McCreery has become, and whether or not fame and socialite-dating has made Constantine more or less smug. See you then!
Real Housewives of New York: Flipit
The rumors had us believing that the premiere of RHONY was postponed because the season was totally boring and there wasn’t enough usable footage. That goes to show you not to believe everything you read on the internet. The first episode had me laughing my ass off out loud and even rewinding to catch the parts I couldn’t hear over my own guffaws.
Miss Jill Zarin, one of the most desperate, needy, pathetic, oboxious messes to ever grace my TV screen, started the season off wanting a fresh start after her tumultuous last season. By new start, she means she’d like people to stop screaming the c word at her in malls and on the streets and in bars and stuff. Like most wussies, instead of actually apologizing to anyone, she just showed up and pretended that nothing happened. It was HILARIOUS. No one really understood what the hell was going on with her, but Alex was so distressed she was almost killed by a hive breakout.
Ramona is crazier than ever, and after “renewing” herself last year with a line of crappy skin products, she showed up this year with her own wine called Ramona. LOL. A couple of glasses and you will get crazy eyes.
There’s some new chick who’s pretty funny. She’s got two babies and no man, and Jill’s first question was “what’s the number of her doctor? Cuz those things didn’t come out of her. ” HAHAHAH. You guys? I can not stress enough how excited I am for this season.
Watch What Happens Live had Ramona and Jill fighting it out over….I don’t even know. These women are pros at making asses of themselves. Ramona forced a giant cardboard cutout of herself holding her new wine on Bobblehead Andy (and he didn’t even fake being pleased with it), and desperate ass Jill showed up dressed like Madonna and sporting a tiny dog. Obvious Beverly Hills ripoff. Poor thing is a damn mess. And that little dog looked scared shitless of her, as it should be. You can’t just get a toy dog and turn into a Vanderpump, dahling. Money can’t buy you claaahaaaass.
After the tame Miami season and the utterly lame start to the OC season, having the tried and true crazies back in full swing is a blessing. Thank you, TVGod. Amen.
Bbitz will be recapping this season of RHONY, so come back later in the week for a full insane recap!