About Last Night: Gossip Girl

Gossip Girl: SlifeGoesOn

Gossip Slife here. Your one and only source for hilarious recaps of The CW’s trashy teen soap, Gossip Girl. It would figure that the best episode of the season would be followed by the WORST episode of the season. Why is it that writers always put so much energy into one episode, and then are too burned out the following week to cook up anything good? Ugh. Anyways, Blair’s 20th birthday set the stage for a number of ridiculous hijinks and shenanigans that proved these kids aren’t as “groan” up as they seem.

Offense number one: Nate and Slutina have had it with Chuck and Blair’s epic battle (so soon? it was just getting good!) and insist that the exes draw up a peace treaty. No, seriously. Like Chuck is France and Blair is – I dunno, some really fat country.

Offense number two: Dan has been hanging out with bitchy little stepbrother Eric too much lately, and although he just gave Little J a ration of shiz last week for turning to the dark side, decides to take it upon himself to stir the pot and get revenge on Upchuck and Blair. Um, really, Dan? First of all, you’re a total hypocrite. Second of all, your stint as a schemer was pretty weak. Don’t quit your day job as a moralistic, hipster outsider.

Offense number three: Slutina and her hottie professor refuse to give in to their carnal desires, so instead they flirt their asses off, pass notes, and make each other jealous. Slutina even tries to enlist Juliet and Nate as her chastity chaperones. Puh-leaze. Suffice it to say, it’s not long before the hypocritical vixen is trying to evade their cockblocking.

Now, to be fair, we learned a few interesting, little nuggets about Juliet’s backstory. And despite a vomit-inducing cameo by Elle magazine’s Joe Zee, we did get to see Rachel Zoe covered in molten chocolate. But then my eyes were assaulted by the return of Manessa. And just when I didn’t think things could get any worse, I was subjected to a cringe-worthy sex scene that wouldn’t even befit Silk Stalkings. Oh, the horror! Stay tuned for the full recap!