About Last Night: Happy Town, The Challenge, Top Chef Masters

Happy Town: SlifeGoesOn

It is common for a series’ second episode to feel compelled to “reset” the drama that was established in the pilot, leaving loyal viewers yawning and yearning for more. ABC’s mysterious, new drama Happy Town was certainly driving down this treacherous road, when suddenly it veered out of control, and forged a new trail towards a destination so unpredictable, I truly am curious to know where the hell they are going with this!

With the sheriff in the hospital recovering from his mental breakdown, Tommy was left to pick up the pieces and restore order. Town matriarch Mrs. Haplin insisted that Tommy take over the role of acting sheriff, which he did with great reluctance. While I expected Jerry Friddle’s murder investigation to play out over the course of the entire season, Happy Town went ahead and let Tommy uncover the killer … who turned out to be his childhood best friend and pizzeria owner, Big Dave! Tommy accused him of killing an innocent man, but Big Dave dropped a bomb when he revealed that Jerry confessed to knowing the location of the Magic Man’s kidnapping victims.

Innocent babysitter and star-crossed lover Georgia suffered a nasty acid trip at the hands of a mysterious, pudding-eating man who drugged her coffee and then questioned her about what exactly she saw at Mac’s Pond the night of Jerry’s murder. Later, the mysterious man was revealed to be Tommy’s charming new partner, State Police Officer Dan Farmer!

Meanwhile, crafty heroine Henley used her wits to gain access to the third floor of Dot Meadows boarding house. Again, I expected the show to tease out this whole “forbidden third floor” storyline a bit longer, but Henley charged ahead into a room full of caged birds where she discovered a mysterious ram-headed hammer hidden beneath the floor. And in what was either a stroke of bizarre genius or simply sheer audacity, a malevolent hawk flew headlong into Henley’s windshield, causing her to crash her car!

Challenge: VirginiaApple

The apparently epic bromance of Wes and Danny was front and center this episode. Danny’s emo-ness was out in full force as he cried about everything from his mother dying (okay, I’ll give him that one) to how he’d die for Wes. Unfortunately, Wes wouldn’t even go so far as to TRY to keep his alleged BFFL out of Exile. Yes, the Allied Forces began to turn on their own troops, and Danny and Sandy were the first lambs sent to the slaughterhouse. And despite Danny’s pleas for Ryan and Theresa as their opponents, they were forced to face Jillian and Pete per Wes and Ev’s Master Plan, which of course got his panties into a big fat bunch of resentment.

Thankfully, this did not escape the notice of Landon, who I am still hoping will lead CJ and others in a Rebel Army strong enough to take out the Allied Forces. Oh, and the challenge involved water in borderline freezing temperatures, which hasn’t stopped being fun yet. Also, Jenn and Pete have become makeout buddies, so be sure to update your Castmember STD Scorecard accordingly.

Check back for the full recap to find out who lived to whine another day: Jillian or Danny?

Top Chef Masters: J-Mo

On last night’s episode of Top Chef Masters, we finally begin the Champions Round, featuring Susie “ChicleTeeth” Feniger, Tony “Tobama” Mantuano, Marcus “La Marquessa” Samuelsson, Carmen “CeeGee” Gonzalez, Jonathan “Waxie” Waxman, Rick “Reverend Moonie” Moonen, Jody “Cougarella” Adams and Susur “Sussudio” Lee. I hope you guys have got them straight now, because I’m never going to call them by their real names again.

Ok, so this was the QuickFire From Hell™ that was first trotted out last season in Las Vegas… The Cooking Relay. Evil Red Team consisted of CeeGee, Tobama, Sussudio and La Marquessa, while the Cool Blue Team had ChicleTeeth, Waxie, Cougarella and Reverend Moonie. 40 minutes, 10 minutes per Master, you’re fucking BLINDFOLDED until it’s your turn, and you can’t TALK TO ANYONE! Oh, and as an added bonus, Waxie’s got a severe case of claustrophobia brought on by the dominatrix blindfolds they’re given to wear. I can’t even begin to imagine how anybody walks into a kitchen with a bunch of crap already cooking and knows how to go from there. If it were me, I prolly would have turned the heat up to high, burnt everything and just put a bowl of Top Ramen in front of FugTaser and called it “rustic Asian noodles in savory broth”. This is why I am not a Master. Except at baiting.

(*groan*)

I know. As if that wasn’t enough to wreck every single nerve in their bodies, the Elimination Challenge is… Wedding Wars. And no, I don’t mean the Prop 8 trial going on in Sacramento. It’s Evil Red vs. Cool Blue all over again, this time they’re charged with catering the wedding of a sweet couple where the bride favors a low-cut wedding dress and the groom is clearly a boob man. I was kinda hoping they’d make it a fun reception and he’d eat cake out of her cleavage, but no, they just HADDA be classy. Someone should have reminded them they were ON TV, for Chrissakes! As for the Masters, well, for some of these guys (particularly Tobama and Waxie) it’s been quite a while since they had to do such a marathon of standing and prepping and cooking. They certainly had no problem with extended bitching, though, particularly from Reverend Moonie and Sussudio. I know some people think I was too hard on wacky-ass Sussudio last week, but his behavior in tonight’s episode makes me stand by my initial impression that he is a pony-tailed ass-whore. I don’t know how else to explain a grown man who always gets angry (or “piss off” in Sussudioese) if he’s not coming out the absolute winner at EVERYTHING ALL THE TIME. Plus, I’m still catching a hint of slight misogyny here and there, I just don’t believe he truly respects any of the female Masters… or should that be Mistresses? Ah, nope, from here on out that word will ONLY mean “Tiger’s 475th Girlfriend While He Was Married” until the day he dies. Anyhow, Sussussussudio does manage to make a green carrot cake, so that’s something. Someone should have told him you’re supposed to use the ORANGE part. Check back in a couple of days for the recap!

love, J-Mo