Mini caps of American Idol and Top Chef
American Idol: J-Mo
Hey everybody! You know, I’ve only been catching bits and pieces of American Idol here and there, so I was not prepared to be ASSAULTED by TWO HOURS of it tonight! Remember when this show lasted only an hour and they showed stuff that was actually interesting? I mean, BESIDES bitchy boobsy burnt-orange butterfaced chicks who honestly believe the audio-diarrhea spewing from their puffy-lipped pie-holes DOESN’T smell like the inside of Charlie Sheen’s next colonoscopy?? Well, sorry, but this show is desperate to remain relevant, so I had to make sure and turn over every half hour or I was afraid I’d develop couchsores.
Here’s how I knew it was gonna be a bitch: they’re DOWN to 168 people. WTF?!?! Are they so soft-hearted that they’re only letting go of like, five people per day? At this rate we’ll find out the new American Idol just before the world ends next year. In any case, if I HAD to watch two hours of bad singing, at least it was the GROUP episode, where people get thrown together and re-enact the rise and fall of The Supremes/Osmonds/New Edition/En Vogue/N*SYNC/Destiny’s Child/Danity Kane within a single day.
The producers threw a big ol’ fucky-wrench into the proceedings because they forced the groups to include people from both Day 1 AND Day 2 (this was to even the playing field since the Day 1 people had all of Day 2 to form groups and rehearse). Smart move, Idull, and good for bringing on drama. Star Boobs (who wisely insulted EVERY SINGLE OTHER contestant while on stage during the previous day by saying they all suck rhino dicks) shockingly finds herself totally outcast, and can only find one other girl stupid enough to agree to sing with her. She looks like she’s spent a lot of time going in circles on medium in the microwave.
Hick Country Douche is an asshole to her (and various other people) and then is kinda surprised when people act like an asshole to him. He winds up joining a group calling themselves the “Wops”, which is not a nice word for Italian people. Wait, what? OH, my BF told me he thinks they’re calling themselves the “Guaps”, which sounds even less appropriate, since “guapo” is Spanish for “handsome” and Country Douche is way fug. They REALLY should rename themselves the “Mas Feos”, because they wind up kicking the fat little 15-year-old boy out of their group in favor of CuntDouche. For realz, yo, they are assholes.
We also have evidence that Idull is obviously planning to pimp out the huge gaggle of “talented” 15-year-olds for the win because they are desperate to come up with a Dustin Feeble of their own. Case in point, a quintet of tweens calling themselves “The Minors” (I call them “Jailbait”) who each brought their own fat chainsmoking stage moms with them. They wind up having a sing-off of a Queen song “Somebody To Love” against a group of older people (which includes AssBurger Fauxhawk Guy) and the judges all act like Jesus Himself just gave them each a holy beejay. I will say this in greater detail later: FIFTEEN YEAR OLDS DO NOT KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT LOVE. Only sex.
People complain about how hard it is to rehearse when you have 38 other groups practicing within ten feet of your group. Wah. People rehearse in the bathroom (I guess some people just feel like SANGIN’ after a particularly satisfying dump) and then they complain about having to pull an “all-nighter”. Oh, boo hoo, try recapping sometime you whiny little assmonkeys! It’s fun to drive to work staring directly into the sun when you’ve had 37 minutes of sleep. It’s a really good thing that I no longer have to fill prescriptions at work.
OH, and THEN we get stuck with the awful story of a modern-day ABBA… remember that couple where the boyfriend already got sent home? Well, his remaining girlfriend joins up with a pair of EX-lovers (ok, so it’s really not ABBA, more like BAA, which is really apropos considering how bovine they sound) and the pathetic Dude-Ex is nothing but a drag from the start, he can’t dance, he’s embarrassed, and just sucks the life out of them. They spent about 75 minutes of the 2 hours of the show on this group, and the payoff is zilch. HATE.
Ashley the Cry-ey-Faced Freakjob starts losing her shit and suddenly wants to go home, leaving her group (“The Hits”, or as I redubbed them, “The sHit”) standing around wishing they had some rope so they could tie her up and leave her in a men’s room stall somewhere (but they can’t because her boyfriend is there with her, although oddly enough, he’s not doing much to convince her to stay in the competition). Eventually *gasp* she returns and then they perform… kinda.
You might think that there is some justice coming to some of these groups who have been so hateful… like “The Gropes” who couldn’t fathom being seen onstage with a fat kid, and those little asshats in “Jailbait” whose flabby-armed Stage Mom Gang came straight outta “Toddlers’N'Tiaras” but sadly, Idull once again proves that in America, it doesn’t matter how much of a shitdick you are, if you’re pretty, you totally get away with it. Oh yeah, and Steven Tyler fucks up and tells the wrong person they are safe when actually they are dunzo! BWAHAHAHAHAHA! Check back in a couple days for the full recap.
Top Chef: J-Mo
OMG, so my ass is already sore from sitting, and now we have a new Top Chef episode to talk about, and this one is a fucking rollercoaster ride from HELL. I seriously feel sick. It starts off on a great note, because we get Scar standing by an empty table, and suddenly Telly Monster, Elmo and the Cookie Monster pop up and scare the shit out of ChesTiffany and OranJello! BWAHAHAHAHA, I will have a screen shot of that shit for SHO!
The QuickFire Challenge itself is pretty simple (like MANY of these later challenges have been, I wonder if the Magical Elves are running a little low on new ideas for interesting things for these people to do?) in that they just have to make the best cookie they can in 45 minutes. This might be my favorite QuickFire ever, because they really have the Muppets “tasting” the cookies… or in Cookie Monster’s case, going OM NOM NOM NOM NOM NOM and just breaking them up into pieces and flinging them everywhere (particularly at OranJello). I’m guessing the puppeteers must have actually TASTED these things at some point since none of the Muppets have working throats or taste buds, just an adult hand shoved up their ass. Oh, and BlazeHawk uses liquid nitrogen for the 473rd time in a row.
After all that lighthearted frivolity, the Elimination Challenge winds up being a helluva lot more complicated (and way less fun) as they head out to a closed Super Target at midnight, where they are turned loose in the empty store to gather everything they need to make a dish for a hundred Target employees. This includes all knives, utensils, hotplates, linens, ingredients, and in Dung v2.0′s case, steam irons. After scoring her third win last week, Beaker completely screws herself from the get-go by worrying too much about the thread-count of her tablecloths than finding the right food to cook.
Also, after all the accusations of OranJello being Mr. Master Saboteur, he winds up obtaining advice from Sexist Pigshit (!!!) and it makes for a very tense and uncomfortable rest of the show. LowFatSo, on the other hand, pulls off making eggs for a hundred people (I’m sure they were FRENCH eggs, because you don’t serve those kind of eggs at an American Target store) and Dung v2.0′s steam irons help him make a fucking tasty-ass looking grilled cheese sammich (one of my FAVORITE things to eat… besides Kraft Mac’N'Cheese and menz, that is) that is crispy with just the right amount of starch.
The ending, though, I am insanely furious over, I am still reeling from the blow, and to quote one of those dumbass Brittenum Twins from a few years back on American Idol, “My spirit has been broken…” Only when *I* say it, I don’t have a bench warrant out to arrest me for identity theft and stolen vehicles. Let me just say, this week has been tough enough with having to read FahBeeOh’s terrible recap (which he claims is the best served online, HA) and hearing Sexist Pigshit become an even bigger fuckstain than I ever thought possible, the outcome of tonight’s show was just the piece-de-shitsistance on the in the toilet bowl of my day. I think most of you will agree with me… so please check back in a few MORE days for the full recap… and please, PLEASE do not post spoilers of winners or losers on the recap side, the forums are wide-open and ready for anyone who wants to vent. I may head over there myself in a few…