About Last Night: Lost, The Hills, The City, Dancing With the Stars Results, Lost, V,

The Hills: Hypnotoad

Everyone’s abuzz with news that Heidi is throwing a birthday party for her 6 year old neighbor Enzo! Which, I for one, do not think is creepy at all, and is in no way showing his parents how worthless they are. Oh, wait, I totally think both of those things. But before the party, Brody, Kristin, Audrina, and Ryan Ca-barely-interesting go bowling, where Audrina tells Ryan that Brody, like, totally wants her, because he can’t have her now that she’s with someone who everyone forgot about in 2004 and is completely not dating her just to give him some face time on MTV. Oh, and even though Kristin and Brody aren’t dating, and even though she tells everyone that repeatedly, Kristin is pissed that Audrina’s there.

So, Heidi has this party for Enzo, with a freaking elephant and a moonbounce, and I’m pissed because my dad once went to the county dump to get a “new” bike for my birthday. But it kind of rocked, so I forgive him. The party is actually really uneventful. Until Spencer yells at Holly and calls her mom (and Heidi’s mom as well, to be fair) a “vagina” and yells about how she “raped Heidi emotionally” when Heidi went back to Colorado. The exact same thing happened at my 12th birthday party, isn’t that weird? Deja vu. Anyway, Holly’s like, Okay yeah she was freaking shocked when she saw the plastic monstrosity that was once her lovely and fresh daughter, and yeah, maybe she didn’t handle it in the best way, but don’t freaking talk about my mom like that, you stupid douche. Then Spencer’s forehead mood vein turns black and everyone knows that he’s about to blow. And then Brody’s like, You guys need a break from the stress in your lives. Which would be good advice if anyone on this show actually had anything to stress about. Frickin’ chumps.

Ryan and Audrina go out to dinner and talk about how they want things to be exclusive, and they both agree that each other is “amazing.” You know what’s really amazing? How MTV actually thought that scene was interesting enough to be included this week. I’ve seen conversations between a lump of tofu and an empty box of Wheat Thins that were more interesting.

Brody and Kristin (WHO ARE TOTALLY NOT DATING, OKAY?!) have another flirt meeting on the agenda, so they laugh about how Brody may want to bone Audrina and how Kristin would be okay with said boning as long as Brody was upfront about it. And then they laugh about how they set Heidi and Spencer up on a date. I don’t know who to hate more — Brody and Kristin for setting them up, or Heidi and Spencer for . . . well, just existing. Oh, hell, I hate Heidi and Spencer. Like way more.

So, Holly comes over to Heidi’s house because a.) she needs to clear the air, and b.) she’s contractually obligated to, and their talk instantly turns to Spencer. And speak of the literal devil — in he walks. Holly says she felt completely disrespected by what he said about her mom at the party, and again, Heidi doesn’t really say anything about how Spencer completely insulted her mom (who is perfectly lovely and caring and doesn’t need anyone to talk about her like that) right in front of her. Dude, Heidi sucks. Then Spencer goes on the whole your-mom-is-not-Jesus-or-God-she’s-just-a-vagina thing again (I’m actually an expert on that subject because my thesis was titled, “Your Mother: Vagina or Jesus?”), and then Holly gets angry. They both yell at each other, and Heidi says “Okay, calm down” in her tiny plastic mouse voice, and finally Spencer says that he wants to basically beat the crap out of Holly, but he won’t because he’s been praying a lot. And he also tells Holly that she’s a liar and she’ll burn in hell. Spencer goes out to the backyard, slams the door (almost breaking it) and then yells at Holly again when she leaves. Aw! It’s like Thanksgiving at the Hypnotoad house! Nostalgia.

Dancing with the Stars: Results: HappyHousewife

The ABC producers took filler to a higher art form last night-with a rather unfunny and even somewhat off color “Dancecenter” parody by Kenny Mayne, Jerry Rice, and Len; a group ballroom dance competition with college teams (yo, the Purdue team made some of our stars look like pros-ouch) and music performances by The Gipsy Kings, who were rather good.

The encore dance of the night was PDoll/Ken Doll’s 50′s Paso Doble, and while it was good, I would have rather seen Maks and Erin’s Argentine Tango-it was her breakout dance! She got a ten! And was rubbing her snatch in Maks’ face! This is the kind of stuff that deserves a repeat performance, y’all.

The bottom two came down to Ochostinko/Mophead and Niecy/Louis, with our funny friend Niecy getting the boot. All bias aside, I really think Niecy deserved to be in the top four over Ochostinko-I think she’s had more consistent performances, and shown more growth. Damn NFL fans, screwing everything up.

V: WaffleBoy

It was the old switcheroo night on the last episode of V. Anna said the Visitors were leaving, only they weren’t. Space Alien Bait said she was attacked by a rougish British Mercenary with an Australian accent and a weapons designer with a taste for bad hats, only she wasn’t. FBI Mom told Anna that catching the Fifth Column is her number one priority, but seeing as she pretty much runs the Fifth Column, it isn’t. FBI Mom caught the weapons designer with a taste for bad hats, and told him she was arresting him to keep him safe, only she couldn’t. FBI Mom then depended on Space Alien Bait to do the right thing, only Space Alien Bait didn’t. It then looked like Space Alien Bait was totally back on board with Team Space Lizard, only she’s not. Finally, Morris Chestnut spent the whole episode telling every one that he really, really missed Oblivia, and he really does. There is always one guy in every group who can’t wrap his noodle around the concept of a good switcheroo.

Anyway it was a pretty decent hour of TV. It looks like the people who make his show should be able to do this for the rest of the season. What? Only one more episode after this? Oh man, I think I just got switcherooed

90210: Mones

This week’s 90210 sets us up for next week’s season finale. HALLELUJAH! Seriously Gasmii, this season has been rough. I can’t wait to finish up this season’s plotlines and quickly forget them just like we forgot Sean…and Toothy…and Naomi’s mom…and Rumer…Kelly’s son and for that matter, Kelly…

Ivy invites Dixon to spend the summer with her in Australia. Asking for Harry and Becky’s permission to go cause their relationship to be pushed to the brink. Sometimes, it IS the kids’ fault. Silver and Simi finally do it, only to break up the next day. This time, though, it wasn’t just the voices in Silver’s head, but rather a little visit from Spence. Liam puts Naomi in her place about being a selfish bitch and not being there for him. Her response? Tell him she’ll never do it again…and then she does it again. Javianna get closer making Navid insane with jealousy. Speaking of insanity, Jazz-Hands gets released from the crazy house. Re-assumes his role of Annie’s conscience.

The City: Hypnotoad

Sammi, Roxy and Whit go out for brunch, and Roxy talks about Zach and how he got this girl arrested because he made her take off her clothes at the met and took a picture of her. Pervy. Whit tells the girls about the Rue La La thing and still thinks that Olivia had something to do with that, and that Olivia will interview Whit at some Elle event. Whit says she’s shocked that Olivia came through for her. Um, just wait Whit.

At Elle mag, Olivia saunters in to meet with someone from Elle, and tells her that they should touch base with 2 of Olivia’s friends who do stuff with precious stones. What? The lady tells her to get images and stuff for Elle online.

Whit goes over to Milk Studios for the Rue La La photo shoot. Erin’s there and they’re both excited. Erin introduces her to the photogrpher and someone else from Rue La La. Whit asks how things are going with Olivia, and Erin remains very tactful. Kudos for her. Whit chooses some accessories for the photo shoot. The photographer takes some photos. Kelly shows up to help out and says that she can see the photographer’s underwear. They’re creating a look book, and shooting a behind-the-scenes video for Elle online, but Olivia’s not there. Instead she’s at her friend’s freaking jewelry store. Her friend talks EXACTLY the same as Olivia. Olivia starts the interview.

Back at Milk, they’re still taking pics, and Kelly and Erin have to leave and Olivia’s still not there. Whit looks at the photos on the photog’s camera. he says he’s actually a war photographer, which impresses Whit. Erin’s on the phone with Olivia, and Erin’s like, “Oh my god, we’ll talk about this later.” Erin tells Kelly and Whit that Olivia doesn’t want to support the line, so she’s not interviewing Whit. Erin tells Whit about what happened last week and how she took the initiative, and Kelly’s like, “Who gives a fuck about her opinion?” Kelly says that Olivia is “fucking dead and I’m going to come up like a shark and whip the shit out of her!” Awesome.

Back at Elle, Olivia saunters in again, and is all “Good morning!” to Erin. Erin asks her if she’s ready for fashion week. Erin asks her about Rue La La and why she didn’t come, and says she told people that she wasn’t going to be there, and that she hurt Whit’s feelings, and she had to tell Whit that she couldn’t come. Erin says that what happened was embarrassing and that she should be embarrassed. And then Olivia just freaking leaves and is all, “Have a nice day!” She just leaves work!

At Whit’s, she’s cutting some material, and Roxy’s on her way out for a “business meeting” with Zach. Zach shows up to their apartment, and Zach says he and Roxy are going to chat tonight. He and Roxy leave.

Zach and Roxy are at Philip Marie, and they toast to “good things.” Lame. Zach asks about Kelly and Roxy says she likes to put guys on the spot. And then Roxy shows him photos of her dog on her cell phone. Wow. Then they talk about the weather. And then blah blah blah.

Dude, they’re playing a new Sugar Ray song. What? Olivia meets with Joe to go over the Today Show, and Joe wants to talk about Elle.com and Joe’s like, You didn’t show up. Joe says you do NOT get to choose whether or not to show up for something, because she has a job to do. Joe says he’s sick of it, and if she wants to work there, then she needs to make amends with Whitney, unless she just doesn’t want to work there. Word!

At Elle, Erin walks in to meet with the studio producer to view Olivia’s interview with her jewelry friend. It’s rough. Really rough. And Olivia ends up talking about herself more than anything else. Erin’s like, She missed Whit’s interview for this? And Erin tells the guy just to not worry about it, don’t put it online, and move on. Whit has her own office space at People’s Revolution now! Whit asks Roxy about her date with Zach, and blah blah blah, and they talk about Olivia, and Whit wants to just brush it off. Kelly comes in and asks if Olivia apologized, and Kelly says that when they meet, that Whit needs to fight back and say, “I will destroy you,” and Roxy agrees. Kelly says that Olivia is “professionally dangerous,” and Whit needs to take her down in person, and not in email or writing.

Oh hell yeah! Time for the meeting! Are they going to show it? The show’s almost over! Whit shows up to meet Olivia. Olivia brings up the Elle shoot and how she “sent out an email” saying she’d be at the shoot and she hopes that Whit can “accept the apology,” and Whit’s like, “I was told you didn’t want to support my line, and that pissed me off, and why wouldn’t you tell me in person.” And then Olivia asks like a big bitch. And Whit says that she’s immature and her behavior is embarrassing and she looks like a “complete bitch.” And then Olivia leaves, and Whit’s like, “Coward.” Hell yeah, Whit! Way to stand up for yourself!

Lost: Ack

This week on Lost, we found out that not only are Jacob and Smokey brothers, they are twins that were born waaaaay back in the day to this woman who washed up on the shore of the island, only to give birth and then get clubbed over the head by a crazy lady I’ll call The Woman. The Woman then raised Jacob and Smokey as her own until they were 13, at which point she showed them a magical glowy light that emanated from the center of the island and told them that one of them was going to have to protect it. Overprotective would be putting it lightly when describing this Woman – not only did she make the twins immortal, but she told them never to go hang out with the other men on the island because they were evil and whatnot. But the ghost of the twins’ real mother gave Smokey a guided tour to the Others’ camp, and also let him know that The Woman killed her! Smokey was obviously pissed about this, so he left to go live with the Others, leaving Jacob behind with The Woman.

Later, the boys are all growns up and The Woman has trained Jacob to be the best island protector he can be, which sucks for him because she obviously wanted Smokey to take the job instead. But Smokey was off with the Others, figuring out ways to get to that pretty glowy light The Woman showed him all those years ago so he can get the hell off the island. Jacob hears about Smokey’s plans, tells The Woman, The Woman knocks Smokey out (because finding that light is bad news), fills in the well he was working in, and burns/kills all the Others! Sensing retribution, she quickly gets Jacob to drink some magical wine that apparently transfers her landlord rights over to him, then Smokey stabs her to death! Then an infuriated Jacob throws Smokey into the glowy light, which according The Woman is “worse than death!” Once he touches the golden light, Smokey turns into a cloud of smoke, his physical body is for all intents and purposes dead, and Jacob lays both The Woman and Smokey in the caves, to be discovered thousands of years later by Jack and Kate as Adam and Eve.