About Last Night: Monday

Mini recaps of Desperate Housewives, Mad Men, Dexter, Boardwalk Empire, The Spin Crowd and Keeping Up With the Kardashians

Desperate Housewives: Hypnotoad

The Housewives are back!  Not the bat-shit insane reality housewives that everyone loves on Bravo.  No, these Housewives are the ones we all loved 7 years ago.  And possibly 5 years ago.  Speaking of 7 years ago, Cherry and Co. have decided to go all retro on our asses and bring back two of the things we used to love about this show:  Paul Young and Felicia Tilman!  (Sadly, Edie’s still dead and plotting her next lawsuit against Marc Cherry.  Probably about assault with a Hostess Fruit Pie.)  With Felicia discovered and now in jail, and Paul roaming free on Wisteria Lane, things are about to get interesting.  Hopefully.  Even with these awesome revelations, the episode was kind of a snoozer.

Susan and her whole fam damnly have moved from Wisteria Lane and into their own li’l apartment. I’m sure it’ll take some time to get used to living in a neighborhood with no suicides, murders, or pedophiles.  Plus, they may have to live next to some black people!  Noooooo!  Susan’s landlady runs a website for ladies who clean houses in their skivvies, and apparently the pay is great.  Will Susan cave in to pressure and vacuum in her Wal-Mart bra and K-Mart panties just to pay the rent?  Probably.

Speaking of black people, Vanessa Williams joined the cast.  Not the Vanessa Williams from Melrose Place, the other, successful Vanessa Williams.  The one whose “Save the Best For Last” became every high school’s prom theme in 1992.  Renee is Lynette’s rival (honestly, what woman . . . or man . . . or child . . . ISN’T Lynette’s rival?), in that she’s rich and successful.  They fight a lot, and then Renee reveals that her perfect life is far from perfect.  Will Lynette let Renee stay with her until she’s back on her feet?  Probably.

Bree’s having a bit of a tough time.  Again.  She reveals to Gabby that it was Andrew who ran over Mama Solis, Orson leaves her and serves her with divorce papers, and she hates the wallpaper in her living room. Luckily, Brian Austin Green shows up in a wife-beater to help her redecorate . . . her vagina!  Will Bree totally bone David Silver?  Probably.

And then there’s Gabby.  She found out about Mama Solis, but refuses to tell Carlos (who shaved off his goatee — still hot, though), since he’d probably kill/gay-bash Andrew and go to jail.  Again.  Also, remember that thing about the kid mix-up in the hospital?  Suffice to say it has something to do with the Solis family.  And if you can’t figure out where I’m going from that last sentence, then you should probably not be watching t.v.  At all.  Will secrets tear the Solis family apart?  Probably.  But only until the holidays.  They’ll be back together by February.  Probably.

…the writers didn’t try to pull a fast one on us with this episode. With a quick recap of the past they bring us right up to point zero… Rita in the tub. I had the same feelings at that moment as I did when it happened the first time. I was never a “Rita fan” but her death still brings sadness. I think it’s more for Dexter. He tried so hard to be something other than the monster he truly is & it looked like he might have found a way to be more human. In one quick moment… it was all gone… everything he felt shut down. He became catatonic.”It was me.” was all he could say to the cop meeting him on the lawn.

As he goes thru the motions, he just can’t come to grips as to how he’s suppose to act or re-act to what has happened. In his mind, he calls out to his dead dad…”Where are you Harry?.. why aren’t you here now…?”

…His sister Deb tries to guide him thru what must be done next. She takes him to the funeral home to make the arrangements. Shades of “Six Feet Under” ran thru my mind. I half expected Nathan Fisher to greet them at the door. It would have been a nice touch. Dexter is more interested in the viewing of a deceased family member in the other room. He leaves Deb to make all the decisions while he observed how people actually act while grieving. It’s like he’s trying to learn what he’s suppose to feel.

When they return to her apartment, Dexter gets a call from Rita’s kids. They were at Disney World and wondering why they couldn’t get Rita on her phone… where was she? He assured them all was well & she was in the shower. He tells the grandparents to bring the kids to Deb’s place when they return. When Deb questioned why he didn’t tell them, he replied: “I just want them to have one more day.”

All excited & bearing Mickey Mouse ears, the kids bound into Deb’s apartment the next day. Cody proudly puts ears on Dexter & Astor displays the one for her mom with Rita sewn on the front. When he has them all sit down, he tells them something very bad happened. Without any emotion, he tells them that they’re mom was killed by ’some man.’ & adds “I’m sorry for your loss”, a phrase the funeral director had said to him. All of this is delivered while donning the Mickey Mouse ears!

The tension builds all around him & it’s not evident on his face, but Dexter is struggling to grasp what has happened & what he’s suppose to do… it all comes to an explosive, murderously bloody climax… and when that happens… Harry returns to tell Dexter what he needs to do.

What an awesome way to begin the new season. When you think they can’t possible go anywhere else with this character… they do. I can’t wait to see where this all goes from here.

Mad Men: Loula

Well, we all should have been ready for this, the official Shit’s Gettin Real episode of Mad Men. We only have 3 left after all, and take a look at what was going on around episode 10 last year. So yeah, all of a sudden we are all reminded: Oh right, Don’s identity theft isn’t just a compelling backstory, it’s fraud involving the actual goddamn US government. It’s desertion, which the Army takes pretty seriously. This is a problem! All of us, including Don, thought the worst part would be when his wife found out and their marriage crumbled, and we were all relieved when it was over. Except of course it’s not over.

Pete’s been working with North American Aviation for years now, since Sterling-Cooper, but they’re getting into more business with both SCDP and the Department of Defense, which means routine background checks for everyone. Except Don’s is not routine. Pete, who knew before Betty did, puts his ass on the line for Don, but it’s not the last we’ll see of it. Betty is admirably discreet when she is grilled about him by some scary agents, and a couple of random guys in suits scare Don into a full-on panic attack, followed by a quick confession to Dr. Faye. Oh, and also, Joan and Roger. And also Lane and his black Playboy bunny girlfriend, and his charmingly British old dad who thwacks him in the face for her existence. Oh, and Lucky Strike is leaving. Shit? Meet Fan.

Keeping Up With the Kardashians: Swellmel

In last night’s episode, Goth Ronald (Kris) added to her resume co-manager of a band called BG5.

Goth Ronald – “It has been my lifelong dream to manage a band. I tried to get the girls to form one, but they’re tone deaf. No one was willing to do the honorable thing and be the next Milli Vanilli so I’ll have to settle for BG5.”

Meanwhile Khlo-ho (Khloe) discovers just how close Rob and her good friend Malika have gotten.

Check back for the full recap on Tuesday.

The Spin Crowd: PottyMouth

Last night, The Spin Crowd went to the Hamptons. Jonathan tried to let down his hair which translated to him pranking the girls. But when they retaliate, we find out that Jonathan can dish it out but he can’t take it. Whoda guessed?

Also on the agenda is finding Summer a guy. Not just any guy mind you, a white guy. You see, Summer has only dated black men and the girls think that since she’s half white, she should give the other side a try.

Awkward matchmatching commences. Much giggling happens. I fight the urge to barf. Come back for the full recap and I’ll give you all the slutty details. See you there!