About Last Night: Monday

The Gates: Alejandra

As you probably saw from the trailers, “The Gates” is a show about an exclusive community… with VAMPIRES!!!! But the fun thing about the pilot was that not only are there vampires, there are teen wolves, witches, and newly arrived chiefs of police with dirty secrets. It’s all very campy, but Rhona Mitra is awesome as the vampire who just can’t stop herself from draining the shit out of construction workers stupid enough to fall for her charms. This causes a problem when the new chief gets suspicious of her, so her vampire husband guilts her into flying straight so they can continue to provide what must be a very screwy family life for their adopted daughter. Also, the teen wolf can’t control himself, the witches are fighting over retail space and the chief is having marriage problems, maybe. Oh, and the old chief who “retired to Mexico” is found dead at the end of the episode. Whodunnit??????

Design Star: SwellMel

In last night’s episode, our Design Stars are divided into teams: girls vs. boys. The challenge: to design an apartment based on the design of an outfit. Choices include an elegant evening gown a la Blanche Devereaux, footie pajamas with a “backdoor flap”, suits (Tom lurves this) and a Dennis Rodman wedding gown.

The twist is each designer’s look has to be incorporated into the room equating to five different looks in each room. The end result: Pee Wee’s Play House minus sexy Cowboy Curtis and Miss Yvonne the most beautiful woman in Puppetland.

Mekka-lekka hi … WTF is this room?!??!?!

Check out tomorrow’s complete recap, chock full of hand-jiving designers and Kim Cattrall mannequin filled rooms.

Come on Cha Cha DiGregorio, we got this bitch!

True Blood: WaffleBoy

Hey there my Gasmastic friends, hows your Summer shaping up? Because, I’ve got to tell you things are getting busy for all out friends down in Bon Temps.

Even before the credits, Bill has chewed up a mess of werewolves, and met the king of the Mississippi vampires, a very interesting guy who wants to marry the queen of the Louisiana vampires, even though he has a long time male companion who is totally into dinner parties and interior decorating. You know, if this vampire king liked caftans, and married Liza he could totally be that David Gest guy. Oh and Bill’s maker Lorena shows up which causes Bill to set her on fire. I guess Bill decided they were full up for bad southern accents this week.

Sam finally meets his long lost family, and well, lets just say they put the trash in poor white. Man, it sucks that the last time this guy was happy, he was going out with Daphne, the world’s worst shapeshifting waitress who was working for a maenad who wanted to cut out Bill’s heart. Still, Bill got some nookie out of the deal. Pool table sex seems to cover up a lot of problems in relationships, and it spices up cable TV shows.

Still it’s not all bad news, because Tara doesn’t end up killing herself. Mainly because she’s a series regular, and this is only the second episode of the season. Sorry, I mean because Lafayette saves her and then shows her she has a lot to look forward to in life, like battling mental illness. Still, like I said, there is some good news out there, because Tara meets a guy who is another in the long line of men on this show who just want to love and take care of her. I kid, I kid, he’s a super psycho vampire guy with a love of abnormally pointed shoes, and he’s bad news right from the second Tara meets him. Still, love is in the air, can you feel it? No, wait, that was gas, my bad.

Speaking of love, True Blood’s favorite couple is still on the outs. Sorry, Jess doesn’t have a lot of time for patching up a relationship with Hoyt, when she’s hunting for late night chainsaw rental places to take care of pesky long haul truckers who decompose when you drain the blood out of them.

Aw, don’t make that face, let’s talk about our new favorite couple on True Blood, Andy and Jason. They are having some troubles too. Well, Jason is still nursing a serious case of the guilts from killing Eggs, and know is getting to deal with a side order of jealousy, because everybody in town is treating Andy like a hero for saying he shot Eggs. Not to worry, because Andy knows just what will fix an emotional trauma, a second lunch. Oh Andy, it’s like you can look into my soul.

Finally, we get to Sookie, who is still working the whole “Beiil’s en Dan-Jur” bit until it screams. Well to be fair, she is doing this because she and Bill are in luvvvvvvvvvvvvvvv. Ironically this doesn’t stop her from flirting up a storm with Eric.

And I’m not even going to mention the Nazi werewolves, not one but two cool Eric flashbacks, and that we find out Terry the Cook raised a baby armadillo, that now sleeps under his bed. Like I said, a busy night in Bon Temps