About Last Night: Monday

Mini caps of Desperate Housewives, The Grammys, and Real Housewives of Atlanta.

Desperate Housewives: Hypnotoad

Apparently, ABC and Desperate Housewives didn’t want to compete with football, but going up against the Grammys is fine. Way to completely mis-judge your demographic. Anyway, the ladies of Wisteria Lane are back!

Amber tells Bree that she needs a cashier’s check instead of a regular one, cuz WIC cheese is expensive, y’all. And she’s also got some other bills to pay or something. So Bree decides to meet Amber at a pizza place and inexplicably, Keith shows up and tugs at our heartstrings by proving that he’d be a good father to Charlie. But will Bree break the news to Keith that his li’l Skee-Ball pal is actually (duhn duhn duhn) his own son?! Oh, the humanity!

Stella’s now married to Frank the bigot, who for some reason wants to be part of Lynette’s family. Really, Frank? You sure about that? Because I’m pretty sure that they’ve got enough family, and your name doesn’t even start with a “P.” Unless it’s spelled Phrank . . . He wants a family photo, which goes well until Frank dies of a heart attack while the photo’s being taken. Poor Larry Hagman. I’m sure he thought he’d be around for at least 5 episodes, but no. Not the case. This causes a slight hiccup when Stella tells Lynette that they’ll have to wait until tomorrow to tell the cops, because that’s when Frank’s will kicks in, making her the beneficiary. Will millions of dollars change Stella? Well, yeah. It will.

Thankfully, now that some carjacker took Gabby’s doll, Gabby can get back to being her usual hilarious, shallow self. Well, almost. Turns out Gabby needs some therapy to deal with some issues about her family, and she’s not real keen on bringing up some bad memories. Eventually, she drops a bombshell on her therapist. Or, at least it would have been a bombshell if we hadn’t found out about it in the 4th or 5th episode of the very first season of this show.

“But what about Susan?” you ask. Well, it turns out that Susan has a kidney donor! Yay! But boo, it turns out that the guy has had a crush on her since high school and may be giving her one of his kidneys because he totally wants to do Susan or something.

Oh, and also: Paul asks Mike for a favor. Unfortunately, it’s not a sexual one, although that image should tide you over until the recap . . .

Grammys: Flipit

The night started off with a karaoke tribute to Aretha with Christina leading a pack of belty girls. She didn’t mess up words, I don’t think. Hard to tell cuz so much is just a nasal squeal pig latin mess anyway, as is her style. She did fall down at the end though. LOL, Spanx. They need to make those things less dangerous. Jennifer Hudson and Yolanda Adams came off the best in this number, but Jennifer looked super bored. It looked like she was thinking “I lost an entire Ruben Studdard and life should be more exciting now. It’s not.” Man she was bored. You got , RESPECT, girl! Stop counting points in your head and make an effort!

Florence of Florence and the Machine awkwardly joined them and Martina McBride got her ass outsang by all of them. Lady Gaga took the stage next with her “new” song. I put that in quotes cuz it wasn’t really new. It was basically Vogue. She even had the Blonde Ambition pony tail. So was it an homage or a rip off? I couldn’t tell. She came out in a giant egg, which could mean that it’s a new original life form of a song. Then again, people eat eggs every day. Gaga is always trying to say something, I just never know wtf it is. Please, though, stop ripping off Madonna. She’s still alive. Pick on someone who can’t sue you.

She was with Anderson Cooper on 60 Minutes before the show and told him that she’s a master of celebrity and she considers making us pay attention her art form. I fast forwarded it, so I don’t know how much that’s working out for her, at least in my house. Cool to see something so original, but she leaves me cold. I did like her pointy shoulders though! I think she was calling Madonna an alien freak or something, but again, I have no idea what the hell she’s trying to say.

When she won her Grammy, she thanked Whitney Houston cuz she used to be so insecure while writing that she would imagine Whitney as her voice. I wonder if Whitney’s ever imagined herself singing Vogue. Who hasn’t? I imagine Whitney taking over my life all the time. Recap late? BLACK LOOOOVE!

Miranda Lambert was gorgeous, nervous, and super twangy. Bless her Grammy plated heart, I had to ff through her depressing song. I want to send her some Cold Eez, but she always sounds like that. I don’t get country. Bruno Mars, Janelle Monay, and BOB did a threesome that was pretty sweet, but then Bruno took over with a fifties version of Grenade. And it. Was. Horrible. I LOVE his album, but if you can’t sing the notes? Lower the key or something, I don’t know. It was just wails and screeches and by the end he sounded like he needed and oxygen tank. Janelle came back out for her own solo and picked up the pieces. She’s an odd little midget, and her album is addictive, so yay. Might I suggest some colors, though? I get you’ve got a theme going on, but a little beige never hurt anyone’s career, girl.

Dropped a grenade, alright.

Everyone was expecting a Bieb sweep, but the voters weren’t having it. Poor kid not only lost a lot, he had to share the stage with Will Smith’s kid. There are rumors that Will is a Scientologist, which I believe because Scientology = luckiest bastards alive. That family? Needs to sit the hell down. Jada and Will are super happy and proud stage parents. Good for them! NOW GET OFF MY TV. I would love to keep yammering on about the Grammys, but L-Boogie is hard at work on a full recap and besides, there were other things on last night…

Real Housewives of Atlanta Reunion Part One: Flipit

Oh, man. Here we go. NeNe started off the night with poo face, and that biatch was ready for war from the get go. Miss Bobblehead Andy was going to give it to her, but first let’s tear apart the women and degrade them for their looks. I find it kind of disgusting that he does this to each of his casts. I get that they’re a joke to us, but I think that since they are his stars on his own network they shouldn’t be jokes to him. I spend a lot of time getting to like these women and I hate that he tears them down every single chance he gets. Before you jump on me, I don’t mean he shouldn’t ask them hard questions (whatever that means in a Housewife reunion), I just don’t like that he rips them all on their appearances. It seems sexist and mean.

The entire first segment was about who got lipo, who looks fat, who has the best body, who has the nastiest ass. Jesus man. He’s like a gay abusive husband. On the Watch What Happens Live that featured Kim a couple of weeks ago, he made wig and fat jokes the whole time and even cracked to Kroy “so you’re all about pigskin, eh?” Dick.

In other news, NeNe insisted that Ephedra was lying when she said she grew up with NeNe. Why? Because NeNe’s some kind of huge ass star in her own mind and Ephedra had a lot to gain by knowing her. CRA. ZY. Ephedra busted her, though, when she reminded NeNe that she called a decade ago trying to get on a TV show with Bobby Brown. LOL! NeNe has turned into a full on monster. I suspect drugs, cuz she’s just acting delusional and nuts. I yelled “GO EPHEDRA!” many times during the night.

Kim and NeNe got into it a bit, but they’re saving the big yawny blowout for hour two. This one was just about how Kim treats Sweetie like a slave. Booooooring. The women ganged up and tried to explain to Kim that talking to a black woman that way when we still have so much racial tension in this country is just insensitive. Kim didn’t get it, and never will. Apparently, Big Poppa used to call Sweetie a black bitch and Kim didn’t do anything about it. That’s incredibly wrong and trashy, but it’s Kim. The whole segment was like getting mad at a baby for pooping it’s pants. It just doesn’t know any better. Stupid babies.

This is my favorite out of the franchise because it’s so damn funny, but the reunion was super dark and depressing. Andy is fucking terrible at his job and must be stopped, and NeNe needs some medication. Can’t wait for part two, cuz I’m a sick bitch. Come back later this week for Leia’s recap!