About Last Night: Monday

Mini caps of Gossip Girl, The Bachelor, Skins, Hawaii Five-0, and Salon Takeover

Gossip Girl: SlifeGoesOn

Gossip Slife here. Your one and only source for hilarious recaps of The CW’s trashy teen soap, Gossip Girl. All I can say is, WOW! What a difference a day makes! Major kudos to the writers for getting back to basics and finally delivering an episode worthy of my love and admiration. Speaking of love, ‘V’ may be for Vendetta, but it also stands for the way in which this Valentine’s-themed episode roared back with a Vengeance! Cupid’s arrow deftly pierced through all the pre-requisites of a stellar installment: scheming, back-stabbing, wit, wisdom, humor, and heart.

Blair’ reign of terror at W continues unabated, as her boss tasks her with snagging some hot It-Girl for a feature in the mag. Blair sets her sights on Raina, but is thwarted by Slutina’s meddling. When Blair discovers her bestie’s duplicity, she makes it her mission to wreak havoc on Slutina’s tremulous relationship with Ben.

Chuck throws a lavish party to prove to Russell that the Bass name still holds some cache. He feels betrayed however when he learns that Russell and Lily used to be intimately involved, and moves to swiftly have Lily removed from the board at Bass Industries. The move backfires though, leaving him at the mercy of Russell without any support from Lily or Raina.

Dan’s pursuit to get his work read by an editor at Conde Nast leads him straight to Blair, who’d rather trade barbed insults than friendly favors. Blair’s also too preoccupied undermining Chuck and Raina’s relationship to see that something amazing is blossoming between her and Dan!

Eric meanwhile spends his Valentine’s trying to take his mind off of Jonathan by volunteering his time serving meals to the homeless. And just when you thought this maudlin storyline was a bust – enter a vengeful Damien Dalgaard, hellbent on blackmailing Eric in order to get out from under his father’s oppressive thumb! (I can’t believe I was missing Manessa! Manessa who?!) Stay tuned for the full recap!!

Tabatha’s Salon Takeover: Medusa

Last night on Tabatha’s Salon Takeover, Miss T kept her LA hotel reservation to visit Concerto Salon in Valencia, California. The salon is younger than the newest Jolie-Pitt baby, but already owner Nik is ready to bail. We learn that Nik has successfully run a salon for 7 years, but 18 months ago he traded up for a larger space and ended with a large debt and a large hemorrhoid on his ass in the form of stylist Sabina. I can’t describe her better than one of her fellow stylists did, by calling her the Red Headed Sea Witch. Sabina not only bullies her co-workers, she bullies Nik. He has responded by not responding at all, letting his staff drink during the day, openly brawl on the salon floor and generally resemble a roller derby team on steroids.

Tabatha knows Sabina will be her biggest, rudest challenge in the salon, but what’s the point when Nik would just as easily sell the sinkhole and go back to just working as a stylist? Will Nik man up? Will Sabina loosen her grip on his balls? Will a simple trident to the heart destroy the Sea Witch and bring about a renaissance for Concerto? Check back to find out.

The Bachelor: IceQueen

Wouldn’t it make sense for this show to get shorter as the number of women on it dwindles? Maybe, then, someone could explain to me why last night’s Bachelor was 17 hours long. It was quite interminable. It just went on and on and on. So what happened? Um, not much. Brad was in full bad boy mode, insisting on breaking rules every step of the way — not even Chris Harrison could stop him!

The first rule he broke was when he took Emily on a one-on-one date in Anguilla and told her she would be getting a rose at the next ceremony and they’d be going home to meet her family. Aside from being physically attracted to one another I’m not sure why these two are so drawn to each other. They are boring together. Their date conversation went something like this: “Isn’t this beach we’re on pretty?” “So pretty!” And then later: “Wasn’t that beach pretty today?” “So pretty!” But anyway, we all got to stop biting our nails in suspense early on because we knew Emily would be getting a hometown date.

Brad’s date with Shawntel N. was far more exciting because they hung out around other people and Shawntel is quite chatty. I guess after spending most of her time around dead people, she’s used to holding conversations with non-responsive lumps of flesh. In a date that reeked of corniness, Shawntel and Brad rode bikes around Anguilla, hung out with the locals, danced, played dominos, and got love advice from Anguilla’s version of Patty Stanger, a woman named Auntie Bea.

For the third and final one-on-one date, Brad took Britt yachting around Anguilla. They swam, jumped off of rocks and ate dinner. Then Brad kicked her off the boat. Britt was pretty surprised because there weren’t supposed to be any eliminations on the one-on-ones this week, but Brad said it just wasn’t happening for him. Britt quietly told him she’s not giving up and maybe they can work harder on connecting. But Brad was like no, we’re done, there’s a little dude with a boat waiting to take you home, peace out.

Chantal O., Ashley and Michelle had to get up at 2 a.m. for their group date: a photo shoot for the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue. As the shoot progressed, Brad got more and more uncomfortable as the girls took their tops off and rolled around in the sand. When it was Michelle’s turn, she grabbed Brad and straddled and kissed him for her part of the shoot. Sounds hot, right? Well for Brad it was “hell” because he had to see the sad, uncomfortable looks on the other womens’ faces the whole time. He was upset — though not upset enough to get out from between Michelle’s legs. Later, in a tension-filled atmosphere, Brad gave a rose to Ashley, guaranteeing her a hometown date and ticking the rest of the girls off.

Later, the women gathered together for the pre-rose ceremony cocktail party, but Brad informed Chris that he’s breaking the rules again; his mind is made up and he doesn’t need a cocktail party. So they went straight to the rose ceremony. First rose went to Emily, of course. Then Shawntel N. The final rose went to Chantal O. Brad walked a very quiet Michelle to the limo and she got in and rode off without saying a word. The camera stayed on her for a long time as she lay down in the limo and rode in total silence. Face still. Eyes unblinking. Something tells me we haven’t seen the last of her….

Skins: LadyStardust

This week is Stanley’s episode (even though my TIvo AND IMDb says it’s Abbud’s??). However, Abbud annoys the living shit out of me, so I’m not going to complain.

Stanley misses a lot of school. If he misses one more day of school, he will have to repeat the year. Of course, he misses the bus the next day, so he steals his parent’s Pinto (at least I’m fairly sure that it’s a Pinto) that they have hidden away in their garage. Naturally, he doesn’t have his license either.

Tony is an idiot and for some reason is trying to hook his best friend up with his girlfriend. Yeah, I don’t get it either. His genius plan entails him making out with his co-star during his chamber choir performance – while Michelle is in the audience. This leads to a admittedly awesome girl fight.

Tony’s (idiot) plan backfires. I think he thought this would drive Michelle into Stan’s arms, but she just thinks he was in on it and tells him to fuck off. But don’t worry, Stanley’s night is about to get a whole lot worse. Tony (idiot) convinces Stanley to pick him up in the (stolen) car that night. They end up getting pulled over and the car catches on fire (yep, Pinto). Later, Stanley’s dad refuses to sign the paper that will drop the grand theft auto charge. That sounds like something my mom would do when I was a teenager.

Later on at some party, I guess Michelle forgets that she’s mad at Stanley because she starts flirting with him. Then Greatest Friend Ever Tony decides he wants Michelle back (WTF?) and now Michelle is I guess back with him. God, I hate teenagers.

Come back for the full story (and a bunch of other pointless subplot crap) later in the week!

Hawaii Five-0: Dangerously

Well, Idunno about you guys, but I wasn’t strapped in enough for last night’s H50. I have to say it was one of my favorites thus far. Boomer still didn’t get nearly enough screen time, but talk about efficiency…It seems that Jin and Danno are definitely pulling up the rear in terms of badassery….am I right or am I right?

So this particular episode involved a buncha spoiled kids on Spring Break in Hawaii…seriously…Hawaii. Man, my spring breaks were in places like Panama City…oh well. Anyways, they were out on a cruise and got kidnapped! No good, right? Well, thankfully the FBI got involved quickly, but since they’re only the FBI, Hawaii Five-0 got the call instead. Thank goodness, right?

The parents of all the kids are flown down to Hawaii to work w/ the Five-0, and one family doesn’t like the way McG plans on handling this, and so they ignore his instructions not to pay the ransom and just pay their part, and their kid gets whacked! One day people will learn to always learn what Steve Fucking McGarrett says, but that is not today.

Oh, also, a hell of a guest star. At least I thought so. And no, it wasn’t Diddy…