About Last Night: Monday

Mini caps of RHOC, Celeb Apprentice, and Desperate Housewives

Real Housewives of Orange County: SexyPanda

Welcome back, ‘Gasmii! It’s time for another round of Real Housewives, this time, back in its birthing ground of Orange County. Only one original OC cast member lives on, the lovely Miss Vicki. We all remember Tamra, Gretchen, and Alexis, right? Say goodbye to Jeana and Lynne, and say hello to the newest housewife, Peggy. Oh, but we didn’t meet her last night, did we? It’s okay, we have time.

Anyway, to sum up last night’s episode, let’s just say that there was some drinking (Gretchen), some cat-fighting (Gretchen), and some evidence of additional plastic surgery since last season (Tamra, Vickie). Later this week, I’ll do my best to snark it out with you in full. Join me!

Celebrity Apprentice: Flipit

I don’t often get excited for a round of Celeb Apprentice, but Star Jones, NeNe Leaks, Gary Busey, Dionne Warwick, Richard Hatch and Lisa Rinna?!?!? I’m in! No time was wasted getting to the crazy, either. The bitchiness was turned up to top volume right off. The challenge was to run a pizza shop for charity, and between watching Dionne trying to work a credit card machine, Richard Hatch getting “physically abusive” with David Cassidy, and LaToya trying to remember what “ASAP” stands for, I was in evil giggle heaven.

Hatch came off as the biggest prick of the night. No shocker there. He was rude, belligerent and condescending. Well, what were you expecting? Gary Busey is as batshit crazy as ever, and he came out swinging last night with a street sermon about pizza. The most pleasant surprise to me was what an asshole Lisa Rinna is right off the bat. I watched her on Days of Our Lives years and years ago, so I knew she’d be a drama queen, but she’s a drama queen with giant huevos. Going up against Star Jones episode one? HERO.

It was a two hour episode, so a LOT went down. Dear Crabby will be here later in the week with her hilarious recap.

Desperate Housewives: Hypnotoad

The housewives are back from a break. Again. For like the 100th time this season.

Renee decides that her life isn’t complete without a baby. Really? I don’t have a baby, either, and my life is pretty darn complete. Because I have vodka. And I can drink it whenever I want. Anyway, Lynette’s (rightfully) not convinced that Renee would be a good mom and offers to let Renee babysit Paige for a night or two. And of course this doesn’t really go as planned. Except it totally does for the audience since we all know Renee needs a baby like Kirstie Alley needs a buffet.

Susan gets some really bad news about her kidney (but her wandering spleen seems to be fine, if you were concerned about that. And I know you were.), and the doctor basically says, “Have you seen that movie The Bucket List? It was a piece of crap, but you might want to, you know, do that same sort of thing. And I think Jack from Will & Grace is in it! Fun!” So, since Susan might die at any time, she decides to celebrate her anniversary with Mike early, with a picnic in the woods where they got married. It’s really sweet, except things don’t go exactly as planned.

Gabby sees Lee pushing his daughter to play violin at the school talent show, causing her to make Juanita (who is HILARIOUS in this episode, by the way) go back to tap dancing lessons. There’s not a whole lot more to this plot except that Gabby and Juanita are so effing funny together and Gabby learns a lesson at the end.

Susan tells Bree about her kidney problems and Bree, on the rebound from Keith and wondering what her purpose is in life, makes it her mission to find a kidney for Susan. She makes sure that everyone in the neighborhood gets tested to see if they’re a match. There’s some good news, as there’s not just one match, but two! Who will make the ultimate sacrifice and give up one of their kidneys for Susan Meyer? Read the recap and find out! Or, watch the episode. I guess you could do that too.

And poor Beth. Poor, poor Beth. She tries to patch things up with Paul, but he ain’t havin’ none of that. She then goes to her mom, Felicia, for sympathy, but we all know how loving Felicia is, so you can only imagine how well that goes. Beth is dejected, defeated, and depressed. I sure hope she doesn’t do anything rash . . .