The minute I heard James Franco and Anne Hathaway were hosting the Oscars this year, I knew the Academy had pretty much just given up. Then the “special behind the scenes clips” of James and Anne prepping for the Oscars started coming, and it became clear that this was gonna be more painful than I suspected. But still, I had hope.
Hope that it would be so terrible that it would cross over into funny land. That didn’t happen. The opening was fun enough. The stahs were cut into all the best pic nominees. At least Franco didn’t try to tap dance. And look! It’s Alec Baldwin being funny! Maybe this won’t be so bad!
And then the opening patter started.
Franco and Hathaway joked at the top of the show that they were brought in for a younger demographic and called this year’s show “The Young and Hip Oscars.” As written by bitter fifty year olds. A texting joke? SO YOUTHFUL! If you want young people, get the Harry Potter cast. Or nominate some movies that were seen by young people. Or just fucking ignore the young people. They’re already going to the movies and they’re not gonna sit still for three and half hours of agent thank yous. Please the older fat pasty people who pay to see movies like King’s Speech, mofos! I can’t be the only one that was thinking that. The audience almost collectively peed on the floor when Billy Crystal came out.
Fitting that on Youth night, the best part of the show was Kirk Douglas f ing with the best supporting actress nominees. The second best part was the “that bitch is cracra” look Helena Bonham carter had on her face while Melissa Leo took her sweet ass time pretending she was shocked to win. As the night wore on, Anne Hathaway pretended harder and harder that she was Julia Roberts with her horsey laugh and Franco got more and more bored. Towards the end, he looked downright mad that he was tricked into doing this show.
The Academy did away with big song and dance numbers this year and inserted lots of edited montages instead. They were the best part. The movies auto-tuned to hip hop music was pretty awesome, and the best pic montage under The King’s Speech speech was pretty tight, too. Unfortunately, editors can only do so much. The biggest problem with the night wasn’t even the hosts. It was the winners. I know that these people are ARTISTS and not necessarily public speakers, but surely they know someone who could give them speech advice. Leo was obnoxious, but Patrick Bateman was downright scary. He tried so hard to convince the world that he was super nice and not the insane cursing madman we saw on that YouTube video. I like the crazy one better. Glad Natalie Portman won, but I want the three minutes she used for that speech back.
All in all, a pretty snoozy year. Bring back Billy!