About Last Night: Thursday

Mini Caps of Toddlers and Tiaras, Work of Art, Top Chef, and Real World

So You Think You Can Dance: PottyMouth

On last night’s So You Think You Can Dance, I finally got it.  Yes, I now understand what all the Robert fuss is about.  In fact, he is now my favorite dancer of the bunch.

Also, I think Nigel is the smartest man alive, Adam is too subdued, and Mia is the most nurturing woman in the world.  Puh-lease.  I just wanted to see if you were paying attention.

It’s so interesting that Robert gets YET ANOTHER emotion contemporary piece, isn’t it?  And yet, he had still not done hip hop.  Nigel, I don’t care much you say it, he is not brilliant.  Not by a long shot.  Could he be some day?  Possibly.  Is he now?  HELL no.

We have a fourth judge again this week, so I guess we have that to look forward to for the next couple of weeks.  This time around it’s Toni Redpath, so at least we finally get someone with actual ballroom experience joining the panel (for this week at least).

Come back for the full recap and we’ll discuss Mia’s continued (though more subdued) bitchiness about Adechike, Adam’s slip o’the tongue (not like that you dirty birds!), and how happy I am to see Spencer Liff.  Yay!  See you there

Toddlers and Tiaras: DearCrabby

Goddammit, last night was the season finale of Toddlers & Tiaras! What the hell am I supposed to do with the rest of my summer? Well, we did have a bit of a return to crazy in the form of a manipulative, hair-tossing, pageant-contestant wannabe mother who says some crazy shit about how good-looking serial killers get away with murder because of their looks. Yes, Hitler really had it going on. Another mother tends to kids who are literal pixie sticks in dire need of ass-kickings or Ritalin or both. Horror of horrors, we have one mother who lets her daughter go onstage with – gasp! – flat hair. I didn’t even know what to think when I saw that tragedy.

Held in Henderson, Nevada, the “Royal Essence” pageant is somewhat of a letdown for a season finale. I really want tantrums and crazy bitch mothers, but maybe more people on the show are become wise to the editing ways of TLC. Olivia is three and she’s learning how to manipulate, yell, and whine much like her mother. The upside is mom does provide some of the stupidest comments on the show and probably in the history of the world. Also, dad is a total pussy for putting up with her.

Unfortunately named Kaylee winks too much (unless it’s some kind of nervous tick) and her mother doesn’t know how to count. Kaylee’s a pageant legacy from Nana Jana who used to compete in rodeos, including facial beauty, “hers, not the horse’s.” Whatever. At least she knows how to ride a horse which is a much stronger talent than being a contortionist, which sadly, is her talent routine and totally gross.

And finally, mom Angela tells us her entrant/son Derrick has never one an “official” title but he loves pageants. He also hates red vests and calming the f#ck down. That kid is twitchier than someone with Tourette’s having a seizure while speaking tongues, and I’m being polite. Also, these parents really need to read the fine print on the applications so they know just how long their kid is going to be onstage…last week, it wasn’t long enough, this week, it was too long and involved a lot of chirping crickets. And his hair was pretty flat too!

Work of Art: SexyPanda

On last night’s Work of Art, our little artist friends were given the challenge of working together–again. This time, it was to collaborate on a set of pieces that were based off of contrasting themes. Heaven versus hell, male versus female, gold versus poop. (One of those was NOT in the challenge.) The two artists who worked best together to create complementary pieces of art would win, and the worst schmuckbag of the group would go home. Yes, they’re judging tonight based on art AND schmuckbagginess. (Not really.) We’re also reminded that there are only two more challenges until the finale, so stakes are high.

I’ll readily admit that I watched last night’s episode after having a few beers at a comedy club, watching a good friend’s sketch group perform. Within that admission is the confession that I totally fell asleep while watching WOA after I got home. Luckily, I saw the beginning and the end, and I can tell you that some of you are happy today and some of you might be annoyed. (Me too.) And in a few days, when I’ve stayed awake long enough to see all of it for myself, I’ll rile you up with details about how it all went down. See you soon!

Top Chef: J-Mo

Hey Everybody, did you know that Kindergartners can be Members of Congress now? Apparently it’s true, because on last night’s episode of Top Chef they trotted out one of the little tykes to be the judge of the QuickFire Challenge along with Scar. This kid (Aaron Schock, R-IL) looked like he might even be getting funny little hairs DOWN THERE. In, like, a year. He’s probably also in charge of something ironic, like the Subcommittee On Senior Discounts or something. Anyhow, did you guys ALSO know that because of this weird theory called “ethics”, Congressman are not allowed to accept any food from a lobbyist that isn’t able to fit on a toothpick? I bet they get tired of having Cocktail Weenie Meetings. In any case, this was a clever way for Magical Elves to re-use the old “amuse bouche” challenge for the QuickFire, and still be able to call it something different. Also, the outcome is quite delicious, you’re gonna love it. Maybe.

As for the Elimination Challenge, this time the chefs were asked to cook a “Power Lunch” at the Palm Restaurant in Washington, which looks like it wants very badly to be the D.C. version of Sardi’s of New York (down to the unfunny caricatures on the walls, which, BTW, the winning chef gets to have one made of themselves to hang on the Palm’s walls… they just better pray they don’t have big teeth or a schnoz… I have both, and the few times I have ever agreed to a caricature, I always wind up with Buck Teefs and nostrils that could house a small immigrant family). But back to the Hairy Palm, the chefs HAVE to cook a protein off of their existing menu, which means 2 chefs each have to make a dish out of salmon, porterhouse steak, swordfish, lamb chops and robster craws. Which is a total open book, so, not such a hard challenge, right? WRONG, this crew of dildoes could take the easiest challenge and just fuck it seventeen ways to Sunday. Plus… THERE ARE MISSING PEEEEEAS! You won’t want to miss out on all the drama of the little green boogery things (and watching MassholEd eye-fucking ChesTiffany’s areolae). Just so you guys know, the recap may take an extra day or two, as I have to attend the Miss Gay Arizona America Pageant this weekend, but I promise I will have it up as soon as humanly possible.

Real World: VirginiaApple

For those of you wondering when shit was going to get real, the answer appears to be this week. For some people, at least. Hair will always be a joke. Luckily, this episode gave us a mercifully small dose of him and his BS.

In a nutshell: Jimmeh had a massively awkward encounter with her guy from back home (seriously, I wish Pandrew was there to make things LESS awkward). Starfish met two guys this week- one of the date rape variety and one who may have actually been a nice, normal human being. Oh, and she may or may not have committed murder. The roomies also get to ride on a Mardi Gras float, where they trade beads for food. Sadly, though, all good things must come to an end, as Fat Tuesday is upon us.

In the midst of all of the mayhem and debauchery (very little of which came from the roomies), Jimmeh decided it was time to confess to Meathead that she had been in an abusive relationship. He takes it pretty hard and I subsequently fall even harder for him. Come back soon for the full recap so we can discuss this eventful episode in detail!