About Last Night: Thursday

Top Chef: J-Mo

I was very uncomfortable for most of tonight’s episode of Top Chef, probably because it featured baseball very heavily, which is not high on the List Of J-Mo’s Talents™. Believe it or not, I actually played the game for many years, and after I realized that it wasn’t EXACTLY like kickball (at first I thought you threw the ball AT the runner to get him out, much to the surprise and shock of another poor neighborhood kid and his dented head) I discovered I didn’t much care for it. Plus, stirrup socks are HELL on an ensemble.

Anyhow, before we got to all the hoo-rawin’, big-eatin’, beer-drinkin’ appeal of America’s Favorite Pastime (besides Shooting Each Other Over Parking Spaces) there was a QuickFire Challenge that asked the chefs to create a dish based on an idiot. Nosferatu would have SO won this one. Wait, sorry, it’s not based on an idiot, but iodine. Idi Amin? OH, based on an IDIOM. Okay, so this refers to a “figure of speech” and several are listed, such as “Bring Home The Bacon” and “Big Cheese” and “Spooning Leads To Forking” and “Hide The Salahis”. One of those might not have been in the actual show. In any case, this pretty much proves to be a worthless guideline, because in the end most of the chefs don’t do much except create a dish using the ingredient named in their idiom. Then again, why would we expect anything creative from most of these people?

It’s during the Elimination Challenge where baseball comes roaring in, the chefs have to cook stadium food, which supposedly is getting better and better all the time according to most of the chefs. It better be, I understand it costs roughly $83,627 to take a family of four to a ball game these days, and I would think for what they charge you at the concession stand you should be getting steak and lobster and maybe a handjob.

In any case, it ALSO winds up being another lovely forced “TEAM” challenge, and after JerseyMoobs was so judgmental and bitchy about how EVOO wasn’t teamworky enough during Restaurant Wars, it’s somewhat surprising that he winds up being the biggest asshole in the kitchen this time around. He’s pissy, nasty, and worst of all, he swears like a recapper. Moobsie also seems to have decided that he’s heir to the Ego Throne, because we start seeing things being done two and three ways each, along with his trash-talking everybody else’s food and just generally not helping the reputation of Jerseyites everywhere (as if the Real Housewives aren’t doing enough of bang-up job alienating the rest of the country, oooh Leia LaBiblia, I envy YOUR episodes this week!). Fighting with OranJello will follow.

Other disturbing things that happen during this episode: Bloody Mandy serves gray tuna, Scar wears a tube-top, OranJello prays for the safety (and freshness) of his Russian pussy, and MassholEd does drag. Yes, you read that right. Check back in a couple of days for the full recap, and thanks again as always for your guys’ comments and love!

Real World: VirginiaApple

Brace yourselves, Ladies and GentleGasmii, this week’s episode was pretty Hairy. Hair, in all his tweeked-out glory, took some Percocet from Lips. When she found out that all of them were gone, he tried to blame Meathead for taking some too. Due to Meathead’s history with pills, this led to much controversy. Meathead even peed on an at-home drug test to prove his innocence! Are those in the same aisle as the pregnancy tests? Anyway, most of the roommates believed Meathead and thought Hair was lying, but Ruthie Jr. wasn’t convinced. In what may or may not be a related story, the requisite fish tank became less crowded as the fish began to drop like flies. I’m just saying, Nemo might have started out all cute and innocent, but they all go dark sometime, right?

Speaking of Ruthie Jr., her friend Lila came to visit from the sad, songless world of Dearborn, MI. Ruthie Jr. also fought with Meathead, but they made up more easily than they did last time. And then she achieved the Real World trifecta (visit from home, fight with roommate, realize greatest dream) all in one episode as she overcame her stage fright to get up on stage and sing. Well, maybe overcame isn’t the right word since she forgot the words and didn’t seem too confident, but Kevin Bacon didn’t overcome John Lithgow and teach that whole town to dance in a day. (Except that he kind of did.) But this is allegedly the real world, so baby steps.

Also, Hair inexplicably decided he had OCD, despite basing this assumption on symptoms that (as far as I know) have nothing to do with OCD. He made an appointment with a specialist, then called to cancel because… I guess just that brief phone call was enough attention for him for the time being? That will never last. Anyway, come back for the full recap so we can all support each other in getting through this Hair-centric episode. The bright side is, he’s the most fun to mock!

MasterChef: Dangerously

Last night on MasterChef…

Seriously? It was more of the same. Except this time, it was two eliminations over the course of two hours. At this rate, we have 8 more hours of TV. Woof…

So, last night on MasterChef…TG got to be the big asshole of the day, and it was great. There was a special guest star, named Cat Cora, who’d I guess I’d know if I was actually super into the whole cooking scene and watched cooking TV sh– oh…right. Cat Cora…I know her.

Last night’s show was really just a repeat of the night before. I hope this formula doesn’t keep. One meaningless event, one elimination event, and then a team challenge followed by a pressure test. The meaningless event involved cooking…excuse me, baking cupcakes. Not surprisingly, there was a winner, and quite a few shitty cupcakes.

The best cupcake got to choose one of Cat Cora’s signature dishes, from a selection of 3, and got to square off in a mano y mujer with Cat. If he made her dish better than she did, he’d get to skip to the final four. Of course, it’s kind of hard to cook someone’s signature dish better than they do. The rest of the people faced elimination, and one was sent home, but I’m saving that for the real recap.

After that, we were back at an even 10 contestants left, and we all know what an even number of remaining contestants means…TEAM CHALLENGE!!! Red team v Blue team again, this time making burgers for truckers. The result, to me, was completely bogus and against the precedent set in the LAST team challenge, but whatever.

So, as always in this kind of event, one team loses, and the losing team faces another pressure challenge. The pressure challenge leads me to believe that this show is staged. More details coming soon, so come back for the full recap!