About Last Night: Thursday

Mini Caps of America’s Next Top Model, Top Chef, MasterChef, and Real World

America’s Next Top Model: P-Baby Walker

So tonight was the premiere of the latest cycle, Cycle 15, of America’s Next Top Model. While completely stoked to embark on yet another trainwreck of trashy, this show in particular still leaves me scratching my head. Who exactly has become a Top Model from this? I mean, I know that one chick Adrienne married Peter Brady but a top model that does not make. I demand answers.

Anyway, a bunch of hungry ladies from all over the country have once again gathered to kiss Tyra’s ass in Palm Springs with hopes of fame, fortune, and an invite for Dancing With The Stars if all goes well. The prizes have changed this year. Things are getting classy up in this piece with not one but TWO spreads in Italian Vogue (Side note: All this really means is that American Vogue wouldn’t put up with this nonsense.), the cover of Beauty In Vogue magazine, a contract with IMG modeling agency, and whoring out for Cover Girl. While it’s a well known joke that no one from this show has really accomplished a damn thing except hosting The Look For Less on Style Network (what up Yoanna) and starting to have a respectable acting career (props to Yaya) this season has an undeniable line up of pretty big names from the fashion industry including Zac Posen, Diane Von Furstenberg, Roberto Cavalli, and Patrick Demarchelier to name a few. I chalk all this up to the recession and everyone willing to go that extra inch for some pocket money as there really would be no other reason for these already established names to pop up on this show. Unless Tyra’s got nudies of them and is cashing in.

After going through the now familiar screening process of interviews, bathing suits, catwalking, and lamenting about single parenting/daddy issues/bad child hoods/overall lifesucksitis Tyra and the Jays sort out their top 14. Oh, squabbling about reading a contestant’s controversial diary entry and another lady not wanting to be there ensues. Early standouts include Rhianna, the throwback vintage, 70′s hippie who might be high as we speak, Ann who hasn’t eaten since 1996, and Chelsey, who thinks having blonde hair, freckles, and a gap in her teeth is unique. I wonder if Chelsey has ever heard of a little known actress/model/fashion icon named Lauren Hutton? Just saying. Cynthia Rowley also makes a guest appearance. Fierce Word Count = 1. Check back Friday to see who else made the cut and the lucky ladies that escaped making assholes of themselves on TV.

Real World: VirginiaApple

This week is the true story of seven former strangers picked to sleep on the ground in order to simulate homelessness. You know what that means? Loretta! Between lots of Loretta and zero Hair, this episode certainly had its positives. However, Meathead and Lips both make the shit list when they disrespect my beloved Loretta AND deface my beloved Eyes, all in one fell swoop.

Jimmeh gets mad at Meathead and takes out her abuse issues on his face. As MTV has taught all of us, women hitting men is a perfectly acceptable form of violence, so we should all be happy for Jimmeh. Oh, and this is all triggered because some of the roomies want to stage an elementary-school-playground style wedding for the two of them. True love, y’all.

But the bulk of this episode focused on what an utter DOUCHE Ruthie Jr.’s boyfriend from back home is. Seriously, that drunk guy at the bar/club who can no longer speak or walk unassisted? That’s him. And more specifically, that’s the shape he’s in at her singing gig. Luckily, Eyes is of course there to comfort her. Hey, Eyes? Some wasted guy at a bar the other night tried to put his tongue in my ear. Might your consolation services be available? Seriously, though, Pablo is a total bastard.

Come back for the full recap so we can discuss what conscious person would choose Pablo over Eyes, the fact that violence is ok between certain gender combinations, and the utter awesomeness that is Loretta.

Top Chef: J-Mo

Boy, I go away for ONE weekend and we lose the only NON-DISGUSTING pair of boobs on the show! I was sad to read about ChesTiffany’s departure, but I gotta thank Miz PottyMouth for making me laugh about it. In any case, on tonight’s episode of Top Chef, Season Seven Suckage continues soaring to new heights as the four remaining chefs head on over to Singapore and take a day-long stroll through aisles of street-vendors who cook their food in tiny cubicles, some of whom have been making the SAME DAMN DISH FOR FORTY-PLUS YEARS. I started to feel sorry for them, and then I remembered that I’VE been a cubicle-dweller for about 20 years now, pretty much doing the same damned thing the whole time and therefore decided to feel sorry for myself instead. It takes a lot less effort, and I get to have ice cream to make myself feel better.

After they’ve spent 47 hours walking around in humid-ass Singapore, they find out that their QuickFire is going to involve them having to cook a version of street food using a wok. This means that MassholEd is going to make a dumbass wok joke, thereby ruining the fun of making one for myself. Naturally, our resident AOTI (Asian On The Inside) OranJello is experienced with using a wok, so it appears he might have an advantage in this challenge. Also, our resident DOTO (Dumbass On The Outside) JerseyMoobs didn’t bother to even TRY practicing wok cooking before making the trip to Asia (this is why we hear Scar shouting “What were you THINKING?”). You won’t believe his excuse, it’s ridiculous, just like the hat he wears for most of the episode. The winner of the QuickFire gets fucking IMMUNITY, which, this late in the game is such bullshit, but, as we all know, this should not be a surprise, because SEASON SEVEN SUX.

The Elimination Challenge proves this point even further, because they force them to WORK AS A TEAM AGAIN! Yeah, this is going to be fucking nightmarish, especially when one of them has immunity and acts like a complete bitch towards the others, masking their bad behavior as “sarcasm” instead of calling it what it REALLY is: “unprofessionalism”. Not to mention the fact that this chef pulls a HUGE dick move on the others and then preens about it as if winning through trickery means more than winning through good food. These kind of shenanigans would never have made the light of day with the Vegas crew (even for a dickface like Li’l Volt) but, well, you know, S-S-S. Check back in a couple of days for the full recap of this super-sized episode.

MasterChef: Dangerously

Last night on Master Chef…we kissed goodbye to two contestants and a couple of events…

We start with ANOTHER mystery box challenge…and then we learn that it’s the LAST mystery box challenge. And we’re cheering…and we’re cheering…But the final mystery box challenge was venison. Not the most common meat, I guess, but you know my girl Whit is going to nail it since she’s from the south…we shoot ‘em and cook ‘em down there. Yum. So, we get a winner, and no eliminations there, and so it’s kinda boring. Well, except the part where Sharone is lambasted for putting together the stupidest looking dish to date. That was fun…

So the winner gets to choose the primary ingredient for the invention test, and they don’t say it’s the last ever so we don’t cheer. It’s a dessert! They have to make desert. With vanilla. I’m not generally a dessert guy…and I’m still not. But whatever, we had a winner of that round, too, and they were given an extra 15 minutes for the final challenge. That didn’t prove very useful, though…

The last challenge involves fishing…which is bizarre, because being able to fish has nothing to do with being a chef. At all. As luck would have it, though, apparently the only type of fish that’s in the ocean they’re fishing in is the exact fish they’re planning to cook. And a rock…there’s that, too. Or was, before Tebow fished it up…

So our elimination round pits the worst 2 from the fish round against each other, and the results are GLORIOUS. Come back in a few days for the full recap