About Last Night: Thursday

Mini caps of Top Chef, Just Desserts, MasterChef, ChefChef, TopCookerChef, Chefing a Living, and America’s Next Top Model Chef

Top Chef: J-Mo

Hey everybody! Guess what? It’s OVER! Or so I thought, until I remembered that there is going to be the ever-unpopular Boring-Ass Reunion Show coming next week where we’ll get to hear KennEgo tell everybody how awesome he was and how he should have been in the finale because he’s such an Alpha Dawg. Then to prove it he’s going to pee on everything. And we have to hear more about the fucking Purloined Peez. Fuck me in the ass with no lube.

Oh, but I’m getting ahead of myself. We had a finale tonight where the three remaining chefs MassholEd, JerseyMoobs and OranJello competed to see who would win the most horribly cast and least respected season of Top Chef EVAH! I’m going to give you a mini-spoiler right now, but it’s not about the winner. The Magical Elves were totes playing up the Citrus One’s illness for maximum drama, because after he got a bio-shot in the ass, jerked off and had a good night’s sleep he was pretty much okey-dokey.

We did have a bit of bonus douchebaggery with the return of Illyawn, Li’l Volt and Dung playing a bit of role-reversal and being sous-chefs to the Final Three, and I’ll give you one guess as to who hasn’t gained any perspective in the last 9 months about how their personality comes across on TV. And his name rhymes with Dill Bolt. Not shockingly, he winds up paired with JerseyMoobs, which is perfect because the two of them have been douching it up in the kitchen for YEARS apparently. MassholEd gets stuck with Illyawn, whom he treats like a total bitch, and OranJello is blessed with Dung, who actually HAS learned in the intervening years how to not be a total dick on TV. Also, I bet you a zillion dollars he’s faster at mise en place work than KennEgo, so there.

I can’t really say too much more, if you watched, you already know the winner (no spoilers in the comments, please) and if you didn’t or couldn’t (or have given up on the show altogether) then all I can say is this: no matter who won, there are going to be a bunch of pissed off people today for one reason or another. The question is: are the ‘Gasmii going to be included in that group? Check back in a few days to find out! I’m off to L.A. now, see you all next week!

Top Chef Just Desserts: PottyMouth

Last night marked the debut of the latest version of the Top Chef brand, Top Chef: Just Desserts. We may all end up with cavities before the season is over.

Gail Simmons is our host, and I love Gail so I’m happy to see her here. Serving as head judge will be Elvis impersonator Johnny Iuzzini who is for sure no Daddy Tom. I’ve also been told that DJ YouBear, aka Hubert Keller will be one of the regular judges this season, but he was sadly absent last night.

The show is following the format of the original, having both quickfire and elimination challenges. This week revolves around the cheftestants creating their signature dish, and of course there is a twist. Some fare well, others not so much with one poor chef not finishing in time.

The elimination challenge is all about chocolate, and the guest judge is Mr. Chocolate himself. No, not Willy Wonka, silly! It’s Jacques Torres, natch. Of course there is a winner and a loser, and along the way we get to know a little bit more about the pastry chefs. There seem to be a lot of strong personalities here which will either be a lot of fun, or really annoying. Actually, it will probably be both.

Come back for the full recap and we can discuss the perils of frozen cupcakes, what it takes to be a chocolate ninja, and just how much gel it takes to keep a good Elvis ‘do pomped all day. Hope to see you there!

America’s Next Top Model: P-Baby Walker

This week, the top 14 moved into their glass house full of super nice things that are breakable and will most likely be used as weapons as well as a room on the top level filled with sand in a feeble attempt at a beach room. Guarantee that room smells like urine within minutes of the ladies returning home from their first late night booze bender. We also are treated to a montage of the ladies getting to know each other and find out that Ann’s on the market for a 60 year old warlock who can also make sushi. Bitch better take a number and get in line.

After spending the first 15 minutes listening to shrieks of wonderment, the ladies have their first catwalking challenge at Hollywood and Highland Center on a runway that is 4 stories high. They all disregard the fact that the paid audience fillers are staring at their ladybits and do pretty well considering I shit my pants when I climb a stepladder to reach my top kitchen cupboards.

The photoshoot challenge involves a teen bullying platform where the girls are put into bikinis and painted with the word that hurt them the most growing up alongside of a word that makes them feel empowered and strong. At this challenge, we see that Anamaria is in dire need of a Thanksgiving meal. She believes that she is on a calorie restricted diet, but where I come from, we call that anorexia. Oh well. No one’s looking at her clavicle anyway as long as sexy Nigel Barker is sitting in the room. And he is, along with Andre Leon Talley and Diane Von Furstenberg as this week’s panel. Check back Friday for the full recap to see who rocked the runway, the photoshoot, and whose skinny ass is kicked to the curb.

MasterChef: Dangerously

Oh, lord…that’s what I get for using a mac and their shitty pretend MS office instead of just sucking it up and buying the MS Office for Mac…when i saved it at the end I forgot to check the “save as .doc” so i just had the save from the beginning…whoops…pasted and attached.

Last night on Masterchef…well, basically people cooked. A lot. For two hours. On a cooking show?!? What were they thinking? Somehow, the second that Sharone left last week, our judges decided to not be jerks to the contestants, and our contestants stopped being fun. I guess I don’t know what I expected, being a reality finale.

Instead of recycled challenges, though, we got an all new show! That was kinda weird. So, unfortunately, since it was all cooking and eliminations, there’s not really a lot I can say without spoiling it. Well, the first half was two separate head-to-head challenges. Gordie pulls a name out of a hat, and it’s Tebow. Tebow has to pull the name of his adversary…and he pulls Sheetal. He then proceeds to tell everyone how that was the name that he wanted to pull…he “fished his wish.” Wow. anyways, one of them won, and one went home. And then Lee and Whit squared off, and again, there was a winner and a loser. It was weird.

The last challenge was for the two finalists to prepare an app, a main course, and a dessert of their choice. Do whatever they want. But first, all the other 30 who made it through the first couple episodes got to come back and watch! CRAZY!!! And one of them dropped the chicken on the floor! But it didn’t matter! The dishes were presented to the judges, and America’s FIRST EVER MASTERCHEF WAS BORN!!! And there was confetti, and it was falling into the champagne glasses! Awful execution!

To fill in the blanks, come back for the recap! It will be the shortest yet, I’m certain of it! Unless I get C-R-A-Z-Y and include a little home-written fanfic! Which I may do. It’d involve Lee and Sharone, and Bella Swan and…and it would be amazing.