Mini caps of the Top Chef Reunion and America’s Next Top Model
Top Chef Reunion: J-Mo
Hiya foodie fans! Last night was the “reunion” episode of Top Chef Season Seven (That Sux) and believe me when I say, it is exactly like every other reunion show they’ve ever had…. only worse because we have to HEAR ABOUT THAT FUCKING PEA PUREE AGAIN!!!!
Besides getting to revisit with people we barely knew (BeakerDreads John, HomeSchooled Jackie) for about 30 seconds each, we also get to see some people we wish would just fucking go away (Nosferatu, KennEgo, JerseyMoobs) for several minutes at a time.
By now we all know that JerseyMoobs won Season Seven, and if you check the stats comparison at the back of the recent recap, you will see he stacks up as the worst winner ever. But we congratulate him anyways, even though I think it’s pretty clear if he had NOT had Li’l Volt as a crutc– I mean, SOUS chef, and if OranJello had not gotten sick, it would have probably been a very different outcome. This Reunion would still be annoying, but at least we could feel good about the winner.
There’s also the usual crap: people got drunk in the Stew Room and played games, there were pranks played in the Bilious Brownstone, Daddy Tom and Scar get punchy and weird, no one can understand Eric Ripert, KennEgo got one of HIS OWN CATCHPHRASES tattooed on his big fat belly, it’s the usual fare. Presiding over it all is Miss BobbleHead Andy, ready to titillate with scads of inanely stupid viewer questions.
There is a big bright spot towards the end, and that’s the announcement that Season 8 of Top Chef will be an ALL-STAR Season!! , In the end we find out that OranJello and ChesTiffany will be the two participating in it! This is precious just to see KennEgo’s face when he finds out he’s not going to get another shot at playing an irritating Alpha Dawg. Check back in a few days for all the deets in the recap, K?
America’s Next Top Model: P-Baby Walker
This week, Tyra and her merry band of carnies wreaked havoc on her top 13 girls willing to do anything to feed her ego. In typical Tyra fashion, the girls were used, abused, and one was even hung out to dry before her freshly chopped off hair was swept off the floor. While a few of the girls managed to look somewhat better in their after shots, I was left scratching my head as one girl was left minus her eyebrows Ziggy Stardust style and another decided to go ahead and undo the orthodontics her parents paid good money for. My Chinese mother still gets pissed at me when I don’t wear my retainer and I got my braces off like twelve years ago.
After the makeovers and mid-episode elimination, the twelve embark on a fallen angel themed photo shoot on the beach with some male models. On top of being in a harness and glue gunned with feathers purchased on clearance from Michael’s, the girls must also pick a word to emulate in their picture. I wonder if this whole picking a word thing is going to continue throughout the season. I hope not, because I’m pretty sure Jane only knows five words total. Turns out the Ivy Leaguer is attending Princeton on a lacrosse scholarship which explains the whole Big Square Head debacle of last episode.
The photo shoot goes off with decidedly dismal results with only four of the models really achieving success and the rest getting told to stop sucking so hard so Tyra can prove how high fashion she is. Patricia Field of Sex and the City fame sits in the guest spot this week offering her insight. Patricia’s appearance was Tyra’s cue to finally stop wearing black and start heading back to Crazy Town. Oh, we’ve missed you, Banks. Welcome home. Anyway, back to Patricia. You know how you hear about a person and know what they do and see pictures of them being fabulous and kind of assign a voice to them because you’ve never heard them speak before? Well, Patricia Field was one of those people I did that with. I was 100% wrong. Bitch sounds like she’s been smoking since birth, completely blowing the polite, refined British accent I imagined in my tiny brain And I love her that much more for it. Come back Friday night to see who was eliminated and who stays for another round of contrived photos and humiliation.