About Last Night: Thursday

Mini Caps of The Challenge: Cutthroat, America’s Next Top Model, Hell’s Kitchen and Top Chef: Just Desserts

The Challenge: VirginiaApple

Well, Gasmii, the Challenge is back! And this time, it’s TOTALLY DIFFERENT. Except that it’s pretty much the same, which is fine because if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it. Also, it’s called Cutthroat, but as far as I can tell no one’s throat is getting slashed. Although apparently CT shows up at some point so you never know. Hey, CT = Cut Throat! I see what they did there!

Instead of two teams or teams of two, we have three teams this time. Oooh, don’t drown us in change all at once. They will compete in challenges for money and prizes, and the losing teams will send some teammates into elimination rounds. That sounds brand new. The teams are randomly picked by the “team captains,” AKA the three slowest girls. The lack of rhyme or reason, combined with a bunch of people I either barely recognize or don’t recognize whatsoever (all of whom seem to look exactly alike), has me going crazy trying to keep track of everyone. I suppose that’s always true of the first few episodes of a Challenge though, so we’ll get through it.

The challenge itself was a huge clusterfuck involving a gas chamber, complete with at least one challenger getting covered in his own snot. Then it turned into everyone yelling at each other in utter chaos while putting together a giant puzzle. The gray team wins, not like that means anything because who the hell is the gray team? I have no idea. But anyway, the blue and red teams then each have to send one guy and one girl to the Elimination Round, which is called a Goolog* for some reason. (That’s how they pronounce it, and I have not yet gathered the energy to figure out how it should be spelled.) Luckily, three of the elimination contenders are people I’ve never seen before, and two of them go home. Oh, and Theresa and her dumbass Midwestern accent are back and picking fights because she thinks she’s a badass or something.

*Okay, it’s spelled Gulag, which is apparently a government agency in charge of labor camps for Soviet criminals. Why is THAT not the premise of this season?!

Top Chef: PottyMouth

Last night Top Chef Just Desserts boarded the train to Crazyville. Psycho Seth continued to be, well, PSYCHO, but crazy must be contagious because he wasn’t the only loon in the bunch last night.

The quickfire involved creating an ice cream sundae, and that’s where the trip began. From there we made stops in Whiny Village, Bitter Town and This Is So Hard I Might Have To Quit City. I can’t even begin to get into all the shit that went down. It was delicious.

Surprisingly, Crazy Morgan was actually one of the sanest people of the evening. I continue to love Erika, want to smoke a bowl with Eric, and think that Yigit should keep his shirt off and his mouth shut. Come back in a few days for the full recap, but don’t forget your tranq gun!

America’s Next Top Model: P-Baby Walker

On the latest episode of ANTM, we are treated to more of “Kacey Sucks At Life” for the requisite house drama story line.  The icing on the cake with that one is that Kacey seems on the up with a great photo last episode and a challenge win this one. Doesn’t it seem like there is always that one isolating character that goes out of her way to be an absolute horror, egged on further into Queen Twatdom by negative reactions from bystanders?  Case and point:  Taylor Momsen. As for Kacey, I completely understand that these model girls are about as stimulating as a Teen Mom Gary and Amber sex tape but even I can play nice amongst idiots for the sake of a more comfortable living situation.  Besides, I think Chris and me would end up being besties as long as she keeps giving that “You Have Got To Be Shitting Me,” look to everyone.

The challenge, won by the aforementioned Kacey, saw the girls walking a runway on a quickly moving conveyor belt resulting in many trips, stumbles and awkward faces.  Meanwhile, from the comforts of my big red couch, stuffed to the brim with pumpkin bread, I adamantly yelledat Mr. P-Baby that these bitches are terrible and I could rock that challenge, due to the ample practice of owning the people-moving
conveyor belt at the airport in my Gap jeans and Top Siders.  Top Siders, slutty heels.  It’s all the same.

Karolina Kurkova pops up in this episode, prompting me to overnight a Pro-Activ kit to my house.  Bitch has the skin of a fetus and I need the recipe to her wacky vegetable smoothie like, yesterday.  The photo shoot is something I can get on board with, having the girls dressing up as some weird cross breed that is one part  Rock of Love Cast and two parts WWE.  Check back in a few days to see who owns the challenge and whose 15 minutes are over until Dr. Drew comes aknocking.

Hell’s Kitchen: Medusa

Another two-hour of block of Hell’s Kitchen tested the remaining 11 chefs, as well as the limits of my sanity. In the first hour, the prom challenge sent one of the women home – evening up the teams and setting the stage for a classic
Ramsay shake up. The red team receives an infusion of new blood as Trev gets sent to Team Red and Melissa is moved over to play with the boys. Which is good, she may not be able to keep up with them in the kitchen, but I bet the girl would make a great defensive tackle when the decide to let off some steam with a quick football game in the parking lot.

So as Pointdexter and Coach Beiste adjust to their new teams, Ramsay tests them with a salad challenge. The winning salad will be in Bon Appétit magazine and the winning chef will appear alongside his or her recipe within his pages of the magazine — only mostly overshadowed by the profile on Gordon Ramsay.

Both teams are a mess at dinner service and nominees for elimination are sent up from both teams… Ramsay pick the series’ poison as he can (contractually) only send one person home tonight.