About Last Night: Thursday

The Challenge: Virginia Apple

Ty is one of the most ridiculous people who has ever been on this thing, and that’s saying something. In a land of overblown ego’s, his is the overblowniest. Not only that, he’s an illogical jackass who “likes to push people’s buttons.” Or, more accurately, likes to annoy people and flit around saying, “Oh, I’m clever! Oh, the cleverness of me!” just like another eternal child. But enough about Ty. There’s plenty of time for that in the full recap.

This week’s challenge was to jump onto a moving surfboard/platform thing, fly over the water for a few seconds, then jump in and swim around a buoy and to shore. The gray and blue teams reach various levels of relative success, while the red team reaches various levels of failure. Chet hits his head and, even though he completes his leg, ends up in the hospital for observation. Brandon gets a leg cramp and almost drowns, and is disappointed with himself for perpetuating the stereotype that black people can’t swim. It’s okay, Brandon. You’re still one of my favorites.

The gray team pulls out the victory, which leads to one of the least climactic elimination votes yet. Ty and Katie are in for blue, because Katie is the ultimate punching bag and let’s face it, you’re not going to see Bananas or Derrick in until they’ve got no choice. The red team sends in Brandon and Camila again, despite the fact that they still have Melinda on their team. The Gulag requires them to use a pole to push their opponents into barrels to knock them over. And Gasmii, you’ve got to see this elimination round to believe it. It is truly a sight to behold. Come back for the full recap so we can discuss everything in detail!

I Love Money: Bella Cucina

With only 10 people left and individual competitions, tricks are getting tight at the I Love Money house!

This week’s challenge has our competitors running in muddy water and slinging mud balls at each other- kind of… Sassy knows that if she comes I last that her fate is sealed and she will definitely be going home. Meanwhile, all of the guys are trying to make sure that Sassy is the loser.

Brooklyn wins and becomes Pay Master, which is best possible outcome for the girls because at least his alliance isn’t very clear. He can either stick with the guys or hop over to the girl alliance and take the rest of the guys out one by one!

Sassy must plead her case against 2 other surprising contenders. Brooklyn makes a very serious decision, which unfortunately has nothing to do with no longer waxing his eyebrows, and we are left with 9 money grubbers….who stays and who goes???

Top Chef: Just Desserts: PottyMouth

As last night’s Top Chef Just Desserts got ready to start I couldn’t help but smile, knowing that I wouldn’t have to deal with Haggy and all her nastiness this week. Little did I know her long lost sister would be paying us a visit.

This week’s guest judge was a younger, better complected version of Haggy. When Eric musters up enough energy to talk about how bitchy someone is you KNOW they’re a piece of work. This week’s quickfire challenge is to make a bouquet of flowers. There is chocolate molding, sugar pulling, and buttercream piping. There is a haphazard elbow and a shattered sugarvase. Oh, and some butt ugly bouquets.

The elimination challenge is all about the tea party. No, not tea party candidates silly; an actual for real tea party (except not). The twist is that each person’s dessert must be a pairing of desserts based on a celebrity couple. Oh, and there’s a little twist that happens after the shopping is done which effectively fucks 2/3 of the cheftestants.

In the end the bottom two are no surprise, and either is the boot. I’m not going to talk about it here in case any of you haven’t watched yet, but you know I’ll have plenty to say in the full recap. I hope you’ll join me there!

America’s Next Top Model: P-Baby Walker

Last night on ANTM, the top 6 girls can’t believe they’ve made it this far.  Liz talks about being present and being able to change her daughter’s life which seems like an absolute impossibility so long as she’s famewhoring around the CW, spending time AWAY from her daughter and her two crappy minimum wage jobs.  All won’t be for naught if Liz can parlay this little reality tv venture into 1. a sex tape 2. A stint on Celebrity Rehab or 3.  A sex tape filmed whilst on Celebrity Rehab, then Liz and daughter should be good to go.  4 minutes in and I’m convinced Liz is donezo.  In other news, consider me officially on Team Chris from here on out with Team Jane a close second.

Back at the house, Miss J pops in to take the models down to a row of beach cruiser bicycles and I’m already counting down seconds until we see Ann flying over the handle bars, landing in a twisted pretzely mass of pale, right-angled limbs.  The bikes thing ends up being pretty anticlimactic as they just used them to whisk over to a bridge, the location for the next photoshoot.  They’ll be diving off into the water below, and in a totally unforeseen turn of events, Ann has trouble swimming.  The whole bridge jumping thing is a red herring, though, as we find out the girls are off to Venice, Italy!  How pissed is Esther right now?  This is pretty awesome and I am totally jealous of all of these idiots. Then a bird shits on Liz and we have to hear about it for 8 years.  I hope Liz never has to face real adversity in her life, you know, like split ends or stepping on gum.

I’m obsessed with the photo shoot concept this week as the girls are thrown into hoop skirts and corsets with birds nest hairstyles at an attempt to look Old Timey European.  Just think that crappy Kirsten Dunst Marie Antoinette movie.  Since I can’t get enough of that slutfest The Tudors, this one is right up my alley.  After that photoshoot comes to a quick end due to rainfall, Jay whisks the ladies off from Venice and on to Milan where they get put up in a quaint
little house that I find quite charming but these idiots start complaining immediately because it’s small.  Bitches, shut the fuck up and drink some wine.  You’re staying in Italy FOR FREE while you gain exposure to the modeling industry and moderate Z level fame. I hate you all.

After the girls take a break from their constant bitching about everything, they are off to Missoni where Miss J introduces them to Angela Missoni.  But I’m sure they’ll find something to complain about
here too even though Missoni is one of the most prominent Italian fashion houses ever.  I’ll eat my right hand if Liz says something along the lines of, “Damn, man, I wanted Dolce and Gabbana.”  Anyway, Angela wants the girls to step into some clothing from the winter line and see them walk.  Margherita Missoni (PS.  Her name is fucking awesome) comes out and she is drop dead gorgeous.  She’s also the heir to the Missoni brand.  Are you fucking kidding me with this?  I guess some of us eat leftover Halloween candy while blogging on our ass all day and some of us look like goddesses and stand to inherit a multi-million dollar fashion empire.

The challenge is that the girls will be walking for the Missoni chicks and due to a seriously thick Italian accent and lack of close captioning, I’m unsure really what’s going on right now.  Check back in a few days to see who rocks Missoni and who’s got a one way red eye back to the States.  And in the mean time, I’ll try and figure out what Margherita is saying.   Maybe a margarita will help the cause.