About Last Night: Thursday

Recaps

By Flipit | Thursday, December 2, 2010 | 11:00 am | 17 Comments
Tagged: , , , , , , , ,
Posted in: About Last Night, Featured, Recaps

Minicaps of Top Chef All Stars, America’s Next Top Model, Celebrity Rehab, and The Challenge

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Top Chef All Stars: J-Mo

Hiya kids! It’s me, J-Mo, and truthfully I’ve been grateful to have some time off from recapping Top Chef, especially after watching a shit season climax in the crowning of a completely undeserving chubblebutt whose Play-Doh Personality™ made fat people everywhere remember how ashamed we should be to ever leave the house (and by “fat people” I mostly mean “myself”). However, I have also missed it, and to take the edge off I’ve been enjoying everyone else’s TVGasm work (give it up for PottyMouth, who took on Top Chef: Just Desserts, and did a fine job with it… believe me, TC spinoffs are a bitch).
So I can’t TELL you how excited I was for tonight’s premiere of Top Chef All Stars (oh yes I can, because that “certain part of the male anatomy” was standing straight up almost the ENTIRE super-sized show… don’t look at me like that, I’m talking about my thinning HAIR, what did you THINK I meant, you lovable dirty-birdies?). This season promises to be a skillion times better than TC:DC was, because we have an almost even ratio of Sweeties and Dickfaces going up against each other with one thing in common: they’re all losers. On the plus side, there are a LOT less faux-hawks!
After 10 minutes of Failure Flashbacks™ and getting reacquainted with some of these people we haven’t seen in several years, the first QuickFire Challenge is unleashed, and it puts the cheftestants on a team with their fellow castmates to collectively create a dish inspired by the city their Season was filmed in. This challenge made me wish there had been a Top Chef: Omaha, just to see what they would have come up with. Through the course of this QuickFire we learn that some chefs who used to be kinda nice have sorta become twatpoodles, and some of the chefs who used to be total boogerfaces still pretty much are. I guarantee, you will hate some of the winners, but there’s plenty of Beaker Carla to take your mind off of them.
Then we come to the first Elimination Challenge, and this one was a doozy: the chefs were confronted with having to recreate the dish that got their asses booted from the show! That is just evil and gorgeous at the same time (much like Paula Abdul)! In some cases this wasn’t such a bad thing (Antonia finally got to re-do her pork sausage, and OranJello busted out his handcrafted ramen, this time without the added danger of possibly puking in it) but for others it was a total fuckbitch (Dung v2.0 had to revisit his vile butterscotch scallops somehow while Season One’s Stephen AssBurrito had to make THREE dishes). We discover that Fah-Bee-Oh has become a humorlessly thin-skinned assclown (with an even worse hairdo than his faux-hawk!) and one of the smarter chefs apparently doesn’t understand what “Time’s up!” means. Check back in a few days for the recap, and we’ll all have a great time listening to Anthony Bourdain swear…

Celebrity Rehab 4: Swellmel

What do you get when you throw Leif Garrett, Janice Dickinson and Jason Wahler in a house? A Laguna Beach/Catwalk/Disco Inferno Surreal Life House!!! Or perhaps the best season of Celebrity Rehab yet!

The list of “celebrities” for this season is awesome. Notable onees include Janice Dickinson, the Tony Montana of coked up models, who is faced with a double whammy: menopause. Her hot flashes fry eggs that she consumes and then throws up because she is the first super model ever damn it! Meanwhile the ‘70s version of Justin Bieber, Leif Garrett, has been on a downward spiral since the “Outsiders.”

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Leif Garrett – “You greasers suck. I’m not really drunk! I’m method acting. Hey, hey Soda Pop Curtis, you think you can get me a guest role on ‘Brothers and Sisters’?”

 

Check back tomorrow for the complete recap.
America’s Next Top Model: PottyMouth
So even though the crappy cable in the Colorado hotel I’m currently lodging in did everything in its power to not let me view the ANTM finale, I bested the wily cable box and came out on top…pun intended I guess. Anyway, this is it Gasmii! The finale we’ve all been waiting for (so we could pay more attention to Raising Hope, Bridalplasty, Shedding for the Wedding, whatever your flavor) to see who is going to be super happy for about two weeks and fade into obscurity (though I could totally see Chelsey appearing on whatever Rock of Love franchise comes around again. My vote? You Give Love A Good Name with Richie Sambora. Eh?? Or maybe Journey to my Heart with Steve Perry. He’s kind of a creep though.)
This week, the girls participate in an assortment of challenges including a shoot for Vogue Italia, performing in a Cover Girl commercial, an interview with some IMG big wig, and walking in a Roberto Cavalli fashion show. I missed the photo shoot because the hotel toaster decided to catch my English muffin on fire but all the other activities were fairly drama free. We also had a few special guest appearances which were pleasantly surprising. I genuinely couldn’t tell who was getting the winner/loser edits throughout the show, though I’m sure when I re-watch for the full recap it will be ridiculously obvious. I’ve had a trying few days. I blame the elevation change. Check back in a few days for the full recap to see who is the last lady standing aboard this sinking ship.
The Challenge: VirginiaApple
The much-anticipated arrival of CT (and Tina) is finally upon us! Even though this whole season is like some subconscious homage to CT since they’ve dubbed it CutThroat. But first, we get to watch Brad and Tori have marital issues. That’s why everyone watches this show, right? For the spousal spats instead of rage-filled CT? They kiss and make up and tell us about their wonderful marriage, and we see fleeting moment of maturity from both of them, which just freaks me out.
In other dramarama news, the gray team is still divided. Hulkel and Sarah contemplate throwing the challenge and framing Skull Beads to get Luke to agree with them and vote her in. Said challenge gives the teams 90 minutes to balance balls on top of a large “martini glass looking thing” while carrying them uphill to a basket. Abe and Laurel, despite their differences, completely dominate this challenge. They manage to get four balls to the basket, while Derrick and Bananas only manage one and no one else gets any. I’m sort of glad to see that Hulkel and Sarah are too competitive to throw challenges, but I can’t really defend Hulkel for pushing poor, defenseless Luke and almost sending him rolling down the hill when he tries to hug her in celebration of their win.
The blue team continues their love-fest of volunteering for the Gulag. Bananas shockingly volunteers himself even though clearly it’s his turn anyway. Theresa acknowledges that it’s her turn as well since she’s the rookiest girl who hasn’t gone in yet. The red team also has volunteers, but it’s a bit more dramatic. Tyler offers to go in, even though Brad tells us Tyler was going in anyway. Tori also volunteers herself since she gets a cut of Brad’s money and Paula is being inexplicably worshipped this season (by her team at least). And when we arrive at the Gulag, CT and Tina show up for this season’s requisite Big Amazing Game-Changing Life-Altering Twist! Bananas is crazy bitter about it which is awesome. I wonder if the producers are really out to get him like he thinks. Either way, we don’t get to see much before the episode cuts off in this season’s To Be Continued… There’s one every season, folks. Come back soon for the full recap so we can all bitch about it together!

Flipit
About

Currently, Flipit's writing Real Housewives of Beverly Hills recaps, which you can find here. You can also find him doing a gossip segment twice a week called BS of the Day and video recaps of Project Runway All Stars, as well as spoof ReDubs of the coming soon trailers at the end of RHOBH!

Ronnie Karam has been with TVgasm since 2006 , which has given him the opportunity to make fun of hundreds of TV's most loved and hated reality whores. His plan in life was to be Julia Roberts but that plan was stolen by, well, Julia Roberts. He'll get you one day, JULIA ROBERTS!! When not making himself giggle for the gasm, Ronnie performs improv and sketch comedy at IO West in Hollywood a couple of times weekly while using the lovely California days to audition for commercial roles such as "ADORABLE MEXICAN UNCLE". Seriously. He would like to thank Jesus, Buddha and Xenu for the blessings they've bestowed. The writers here are the best around, and he's honored to be associated with them. Find video archives at CankleTV.com, or follow on Twitter @flipit

17 Comments

  1. 1
    vallegirl vallegirl
    Posted December 2, 2010 at 11:23 am

    JMo – so good to have you back, even though PM was stellar in your stead with TC:JD. And a good episode to come back. I might have actually clapped when Beaker Carla first appeared on screen, and I think Angelo spent what little downtime he had working on correcting his wildly erratic use of hair product. Can’t wait for the full recap.

    PM – I think the show managed to hire new editors for the finale because I, too, couldn’t gauge exactly who was going to win until her name was said.

  2. 2
    mere2142
    Posted December 2, 2010 at 11:29 am

    So excited for TC All Stars!

    And this season of Celeb Rehab’s cast in genius! Anyone else impressed how, even at rock bottom, Leif Garrett still had impeccably applied guy liner??

  3. 3
    Derek Hazelton
    Posted December 2, 2010 at 11:39 am

    Of course, my pick to go all the way on TC: AS decided to use reverse psychology on the judges, only to be scoffed at, and roundly dismissed. I sure can pick winners!

  4. 4
    C in Chicago
    Posted December 2, 2010 at 11:43 am

    Loved, TC: AS. It already looks like it’s going to shape up to be a far more interesting season than the last couple. And Bourdain certainly spices up the panel.

    Looks to be a fun season!

  5. 5
    Val Detinha
    Posted December 2, 2010 at 11:46 am

    YAY! I hope Bourdain stays for the whole season! I’d love to continue to see him and “Fabio-lous” interacting!!

  6. 6
    LAC
    Posted December 2, 2010 at 11:51 am

    J-MO!! YAY!! I cannot wait for your recaps and especially your funny pix stills of the douchebag parade that will be a part of this season. C’mon…we got Marcel, Mike I, Asian Flu Dale, Spike and his hats…Massengil, be warned! BTW, did Richard Blais lose the weight taking bitter bitch pills? ‘Cause he is working that “I should have won season 4″ boner like a hooker promised an extra tip…get the fuck ovah it, already. And Fabio, nut up already – this is Top Chef, not Top Panties in a Wad…

  7. 7
    singleinmymind
    Posted December 2, 2010 at 12:40 pm

    I already love TC All Stars! Just seeing somebody who didn’t think that Fabio’s “peasant food” was all that was worth it! Go Tony Bourdain!

  8. 8
    Medusa
    Posted December 2, 2010 at 1:11 pm

    Oh, AssBurrito! Why are Tiffani and Stephen the reoccuring characters from season 1? Wasn’t there a model-girl and a Irishman who got booted for pissing off Papa Tom on episode 1? Bring’em back!

    Also, who is the “Doug” charcater that AssBurrito looks more like every TC special? Is it Mr. Dink?

  9. 9
    Brattygrl
    Posted December 2, 2010 at 1:52 pm

    An early Christmas present…J-Mo’s back! Yay! Oh, how I’ve missed you!

  10. 10
    sarcasatire sarcasatire
    Posted December 2, 2010 at 2:04 pm

    Am I the only one with a major crush on Anthony Bourdain? Tall, lean, witty, sardonic, sarcastic, arrogant….sexy! (I watch his show No Reservations and he makes me swoon.) How I would love to spend a week with him discussing books (he’s an author), eating street food in some exotic paradise, and walking down the street hand-in-hand, as we take in colonial architecture or dazzling ocean vistas. Too bad he’s married(and doesn’t know I exist). Ah..one can but dream.

    J-Mo..this season looks so great! A lot of my favorites are back. And some that repulse like Marcel. I can’t wait until he gets sent home for making something douchy like cauliflower foam.

    Swellmel, this season is going to be recapping gold!! Between Gummi Bear Davis and Janice..and OMG! Frankie..I will definiely be tuning in and checking out your recaps. Can’t wait to hear your thoughts on yesterday’s episode.

  11. 11
    CattyFan cattyfan
    Posted December 2, 2010 at 2:52 pm

    I’m out of the loop. What makes Steve Perry creepy? (I need to know because as a teen, I had posters of him hanging in my bedroom…)

  12. 12
    C in Chicago
    Posted December 2, 2010 at 4:01 pm

    @Sarcasatire,

    Having read Bourdain’s books, I have to temper an inclination towards finding him as fascinating. Mainly because given his habits and past hobbies, if there is an STD in the world he hasn’t been exposed to, it was probably because Keith Richards caught it first and cornered the market.

  13. 13
    swellmel
    Posted December 2, 2010 at 4:09 pm

    @Sarcastatire, I agree. I’m so excited. I’m 10 minutes into drafting my recap and I’m already laughing.

  14. 14
    mulecitybabe
    Posted December 2, 2010 at 4:36 pm

    Janice Dickinson having hot flashes? WTF? I thought she was about 60 years old, well past having flashes of any sort except the coked-out kind where one old boobie falls out of her shirt from time to time. Besides, wasn’t she always preaching about being clean on her show? I’m calling bullshit already.

    But TC’s my show, and I’m glad you’re back J-MO. Yay! Kisses to PottyMouth, too. She was awesome.

  15. 15
    Joan Hill
    Posted December 3, 2010 at 7:39 am

    Love TC & JMo so am so excite. The show started on a great note. I will improve my dish by preparing it exactely the way I made it the first time because it was perfect then & I should never have been kicked off. Then u get kicked off again. HAHAHAHA Love it!!!!

  16. 16
    NotWithoutMyTV notwithoutmytv
    Posted December 3, 2010 at 9:05 am

    @Joan Hill: It will imporv u spell 2.

  17. 17
    zbird
    Posted December 4, 2010 at 4:08 pm

    Aaaahhhh, JMo, I need you, you big tease! I’m seriously jonesing for a JMo fix right now. Maybe I need to see Dr. Drew…

    Cannot WAIT to read your take on this oh so wonderful kickoff to my beloved TC!

    xoxox,
    Z

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