About Last Night: Thursday

Mini caps of Celeb Rehab, Top Chef, and The Challenge

Celeb Rehab 4: Swellmel

In last night’s episode, Jeremy “the Patty Hearst Kidnap Victim” London reunited with his wife Melissa. Gummi Bear revealed some “painful” secrets like he has IBS, while a media storm surrounded Rachel. And OMFG Leif Garrett threatened to leave.

Jeremy – “So, how about we help out those two guys over there stranded on the road.” Leif – “You see my do-rag and stripes? I’m dressed for pirate night at Long John Silver’s. You’re not going to fuck up, get kidnapped and make me miss the Shrimp Scampi Tiny Tina Scaliwag special.”

Check back tomorrow for the full recap.

Top Chef: J-Mo

Last night’s episode of Top Chef All Stars featured two things that irritate me to no end: children, and a Random Jonas Brother. Well, make that THREE things, because Sexist Pigshit is still there. And Marcel TurkeyHair. And Richard BlazeHawk. And DaleDung v2.0. Okay, so the show had a LOT of irritating things last night, including the fact that the first five minutes were a recap of last week’s show (hence, another “super-sized” episode… if we’re going to have filler, couldn’t it be more of Beaker Carla making scared faces or Lunch Tray walking around shirtless?… we don’t need to see Miss Elia lose AGAIN in slow-motion).

OK, so the QuickFire Challenge was all about making a midnight snack for children that were on a sleepover at the Museum That Would Never Hire Ben Stiller To Clean The Toilets, Much Less Be A Night Watchman. You know, I hosted a sleepover for my niece’s 11th birthday party at my house. She was allowed to have FOUR friends with her and at midnight the LAST thing I wanted to give them was anything to eat, because then I knew at 3am I would be peeling them off of the ceiling with a garden hose and a squeegee. Anyhow, the guest judge winds up being Jericho Jonas or JimBob Jonas or Jermajesty Jones, one of those brothers, I can’t tell them apart. I think he might have been the one who tried to high-five Stevie Wonder when they were on stage together butchering the shit out of “Superstition”. Or the one who finger-banged Taylor Swift with the finger that had his “promise ring” on it. Anyhow, he’s the perfect judge for this kind of food, barely being off of Gerber Graduates cuisine himself. In the end it comes down to a (*cough*manufactured*cough*) TIE and they decided to let the ONE HUNDRED AND FIFTY KIDS at the sleepover decide the winner, who gets immunity and 20 minutes to throw dinosaur bones at the children in the dark. KIDDING! They get an “advantage”. OH, and the rest of the chefs have to help the top two make their snacks, which leads to choosing sides, which leads to someone being chosen last and that loser chef pretending like it doesn’t bother them when really they want to o cry in the closet (or throw dinosaur bones at the children for 20 minutes).

Just when they think it’s all over for the night, along comes Daddy Tom to tell them they have to stay at the Museum and make breakfast for the little snots and their parents in the morning. At the birthday party sleepover I threw for my niece, “breakfast” was frozen Eggos… still frozen. I only let the kids heat the syrup in the microwave and told them if they boiled it and poured it over the top, it would cook the waffles. That was so much fun to watch. HEY, it was 67 hours of hell packed in to 24, I had to get SOMETHING out of it! In any case, the so-called “advantage” backfires on the winning team and then things get REALLY hairy.

Turtle Jamie winds up slicing her thumb and takes off for several hours to go get two stitches, leaving Bitter Jen to make a dish mostly by herself (and kicking herself for not just grabbing the Turtle and stapling her thumb wound closed). TurkeyHair winds up getting angry at OranJello for DARING to try and cut some plums down into bite size pieces and suspects him of trying to sabotage his own team. Which would almost make sense if the aim was for The Citrus One to INCREASE HIS OWN CHANCES OF GOING HOME, so yeah, TurkeyHair is a dumbfuck. OH, and there’s no Anthony Diss-Dain (WTF??!?!), so instead they bring back the girl that Scar stole her job from, none other than Katie Lee (née Joel) from Season One and the two of them spend most of the time making dagger-eyes at each other (and then they get drunk and make up and compare notes on what it was like to be married to a much older fat rich guy). Then, at Judges’ Table, the shit. Gets. Fucking. Crazy. One of our favorites says some pretty pissy things to Daddy Tom and then the Elimination is shocking and there is an off-camera hallway meltdown that I will do my best to transcribe for you.

Thanks for all the comment love this week, you guys made me feel so welcomed home, I really appreciate it. Check back in a few days for the recap!

The Challenge: VirginiaApple

Well, if you saw this episode then you already know that it started off with what may well be the GREATEST ELIMINATION ROUND IN CHALLENGE HISTORY. If you haven’t seen this episode, go watch the first two minutes. Now. You’re already on the internet, just do it. CT just stomps across the mud with Johnny Bananas flailing around on his back like a fly that’s being held by its wings. The other challengers are in awe, because it is awesome. Also, Tori drags Tina across the mud faster than Theresa did because Tina’s still totally winded. Then Tyler manages to last longer than 20 seconds, something Bananas can’t do in any context, so he also gets to stay.

The challenge this week involves using plastic shields to push the other teams off of a dirt platform and into the mud. The girls face each other first, and Hulkel and Sarah fail to throw the challenge without being completely obvious, so Abe calls them out and Hulkel can’t lose. Oh, did I mention that the tiny blue team attempted to conspire with Hulkel and Sarah? They did, but it didn’t work out so well because the gray team won the girls’ round and red team won the guys’ round, so Abe and Brad had to battle for the win. Abe wins it for his team, so they have now won 5 out of 9 challenges. That bodes well for the final, even though the entire team it at each other’s throats. Even Share Bear snaps at Sarah briefly.

Also at each other’s throats are the red team, and good lord the hypocrisy is suffocating. Oh, and in case you thought we were getting through this whole season without a Dunbar/Walnuts (AKA Dumbnuts) Feelings Expo, you were sadly mistaken because here it is. The Gulag votes are for Walnuts and Tyler, who will face Emily (well played, Jenn) and Derrick (poor D, last guy standing). Come back soon for the full recap, because I’ve got a lot to say about this one (including how I think Sarah/Hulkel SHOULD have played the challenge, and a full transcript of the Dumbnuts “Will you go out with me? Circle yes/no” letter at the center of their middle school fight), and I’m guessing you guys will have plenty to say as well.