About Last Night: Thursday

Mini Caps of Top Chef Masters, The Challenge, A Great Work of Art, So You Think You Can Dance, Happy Town, Toddlers and Tiaras, and You’re Cut Off!.

Top Chef Masters: J-Mo

Hey everybody! I’m back, and I want to say first off, HUGE thanks to SlifeGoesOn for subbing for me while I had a much-needed vacation. Thanks, buddy! I totally owe you dinner. Or a blowjob. Your choice. In any case, on last night’s Finale of Season Two of Top Chef Masters, we had our Final Three Chefs (Sussudio, Reverend Moonie and La Marquessa) battling it out to tell their culinary story in three courses. I was thinking that they’d pull a normal Top Chef FuckYouUp™ and make them have to add a dessert in 30 minutes or make a dish inspired by Aztec architecture or something like that, but nope, they let them all off the hook.

La Marquessa’s backstory is pretty much a retelling of all the same depressing shit he’s been trotting out all season long, and I don’t mean to sound desensitized, but honestly, how many times can you have someone tell you that they were orphaned at age 3 before you start hearing the story as one big long waaaaaaaaaah? Also, once again, he’s here to make sure us fat ignorant Americans are educated on the fascinating world of Swedish-Ethiopian cuisine. Okay, okay, I’m not really being fair… he didn’t call us “fat”. But he might as well have. Maybe I’m just being sensitive because I came back from vacation with another pants size, and it wasn’t a lower number. Plus, I have clumps of ice cream in my beard right now. I have issues. I don’t care, fuck Marquessa, I just don’t like him.

On the other end of the spectrum, Reverend Moonie’s story is kinda cute, and we get to see some really fun pictures of him as a kid (still had wacky glasses that magnified his crazy eyes) and he comes off as lovable and weird as always. OH, and I went by his restaurant in Vegas, but I was with my Level 4 Vegan BFF and Moonie’s menu was not suitable for herbivores (we DID, however, eat at ChicleTeeth’s place, more about that later!).

The most surprising backstory came from Sussudio, and I’m not going to go into detail right here, but it will shock you and surprise you and if you’re anything like me, you’re going to find a new understanding of the guy, and probably admire him a little bit more than you did before. Plus, he get piss off, so we all have fun in the end.

Judging the Final Meal, we still have no Gramma Gael (did she die? I sure hope not!) but we do have Daddy Tom (yay!) and Season One Top Chef Master Rick Bayleafs (double yay!) as well as Le Mullet DJ YouBear Kellair (triple yay!)…. and then there’s Smirky McSmugMug Michael Fucking Chiarello (GIANT BOOOOOO!). Oh well, at least we have NerdMosexual, FugTaser and Gail Not-So-Slimmins to keep things on the real side one last time. As for the winner? Well, you’ll just have to check back in a couple of days to read the recap, won’tcha! BWAHAHAHAHAHA! See you guys soon!

The Challenge: VirginiaApple

Well, to the surprise of I’m guessing no one, Jenn and Aziz pulled out a victory in the Tiniest Exile Ever. Seriously, you’d probably have to stack all four of them on top of each other just to reach Laurel’s shoulder. Anyway, Ryan and Theresa seemed to keep it pretty close, but ended up falling just short of the final challenge.

And it was quite a final challenge. They’re always pretty brutal, and this one was no exception. There was a brief canoe race/puzzle that was used to give out some head starts. Landon and Carley won the 2 minute head start, Kenny and Laurel 1 minute, and Jill and Pete 30 seconds, leaving Jenn and Aziz to bring up the rear. This was followed by another, more difficult puzzle that no one finished. Next up was a bike ride up the hill in which we learned that some people whose names start with J suck at riding bikes because apparently they didn’t have childhoods. Then there was a log hauling/puzzle combo, another uphill climb with an 80 pound weighted bag, one last puzzle, and a climb up a wall of snow/ice with an ice pick.

In the end, it unsurprisingly came down to Landon/Carley and Kenny/Laurel battling it out for first, and the others battling for third place and at least some cash. Check back for the final recap to discuss the end results, the whole season, and the reunion (which had me LOLing a few times). Oh, and Kenny decided to remind me how annoying he can be after spending a good chunk of the season reminding me why I used to like him.

A Great Work of Art: Flipit

SexyPanda will be recapping this gem, but she’s out of town tonight on an all expense paid trip to El Salvador at the moment for a good massage, so I will be doing the mini cap. A Great Work of Art is another Project Runway/Top Chef/Top Design show from the Magical Elves. It’s pretty much what you’d think it would be. A couple of talented people thrown in with a bunch of freaks that do stuff and then get judged at the end. This show does have something that makes it special though: true artists, the ones with paint and colored pencils and screening machines and glue guns and cut out construction paper, are the craziest of all artists. Last night we got a glimpse of their oddness, but I have a feeling they’re all gonna lose it at some point. YAY!!!

There’s not really just one way art can be judged. Fashion is recognizable as good or bad from what we see in popular culture and on our streets, and you can taste food. Art is it’s own animal though. Remember the dude who put cow dung all over a portrait of the Virgin Mary and got his own gallery show at MOMA or some shit? He would have been booted off this show last night. Or he would have gone on to become a rich and famous designer of Coca-Cola mugs on American Idol. WHO KNOWS?

The unpredictability makes this show really fun. And very confusing. For their first challenge, the artists had to do portraits of each other. Some of them were pretty awesome, and a lot were just…um….horrible? Brilliant? I don’t know. Neither did the judges. One guy made a painting of his subject dead. One of the judges told him something along the lines of “She looks so happy. Like she’s drowning.” LOL!!

I don’t know how they pulled this rag tag team of crazies together, but man. Nice work. I may not understand the art part, but I understand the lost human soul coming onto a reality show to stop eating other people’s leftovers out of your apartment building’s dumpster part. Desperation fills people with a whole lot of dreaming. That dreaming can start aging after awhile and turn into full blown psychosis. And psychosis can turn into my favorite kind of TV.

So You Think You Can Dance: PottyMouth

Last night’s So You Think You Can Dance was chock full of stuff. First, we had the Broadway round. Then we had someone quit. Yes, you heard me right, quit. As you can imagine, Nigel was less than thrilled.

We then moved on to the group dances where it looked like Billy Bell might get cut! But we all knew they wouldn’t do that, right? From there we went to contemporary, where someone made Lil C cry, and then finally the last solos. All this was in the first hour. I’m tired just thinking about it!

The next hour was spent with the judges driving or flying around the country to tell people whether or not they made top ten. Well, not everyone. Some people only got phone calls. But they didn’t make it, so that’s okay then, right?

In the end, it looked like Billy Bell got bumped out of the top ten by his classmate, Robert Roldan. But then Adam revealed that they added a super special extra spot just him, and with that, we’ve got our top eleven. Come back soon for the full recap and we can relive it all together.

Toddlers and Tiaras: DearCrabby

Last Night’s Toddlers & Tiaras was a completed JACKPOT. It had everything except high standards. Seriously, these kids were not polished and couldn’t do a routine if their lives depended on it. If they were in Texas, they’d be disqualified and probably put down. We’re in Arkansas this time, which I know – enough said! Husky mothers live their lives out through their kids and wore sweats so much the material has probably become part of their DNA. Glitz and glamour was on an all-time low and the the bastardization of the English language – if it could still be called that – is beyond comprehension. Don’t you let those double negatives and correct verb tenses get you down! Oh, and it seems like everyone might just be related. Ah, Arkansas, you never disappoint.

Happy Town: SlifeGoesOn

Watching last night’s episode of Happy Town was like witnessing the epic failure of Liza Minnelli’s sad cameo in Sex and the City 2 as she attempted to sing and hoof her way through “Single Ladies.” I couldn’t help but feel a sense of deja vu and wonder, how are you still alive and kicking?? Just as I wasn’t laughing WITH but rather AT Carrie Bradshaw & Co., I found myself laughing at Happy Town’s sheer audacity and downright nutty insanity. It’s literally one talking doll and an orangutan nurse short of being the nighttime version of NBC’s now-defunct soap, Passions.

Henley successfully blackmailed Peggy into paying a king’s ransom for that lame hammer. But Peggy turned the tables on her and promised that Henley would never be able to leave town with the cash. Sure enough, all of Henley’s attempts to flee town were foiled, often by the most preposterous means possible.

Rachel discovered that getting her life back to normal after being abducted by the Magic Man was easier said than done. She, too, wanted to get the hell outta Dodge, but Merritt Grieves talked into staying for a cup of tea a slice of hypnosis. Rachel had some trippy dream / vision of going through a blue door to an underwater abyss where she saw the other victims of the Magic Man, and suddenly her memories came flooding back.

Andrew and Georgia decided to play hooky from school and literally ran off into the woods to make out and play house. Unfortunately, they got lost (shocker) and happened upon a sinister trailer that was not only unlocked (gasp) but might belong to the Magic Man! Instead of calling for help, they investigated it all on their own, and then were “shocked” when the trailer roared to life and someone made off with them trapped in the back!

Tommy’s investigation into the Magic Man led him to several suspects, among them Greggy Stiviletto and John Haplin. Elsewhere, his crazy pops awoke from his coma feeling right as rain. Oh yeah, and the lone chick cop on the force who was supposed to keep an eye on Lauryn’s severed hand witnessed a baby eel wriggle out from under the hand’s skin. SICK! This whack show is like a terrible highway accident … I simply cannot tear my eyes away!

Stay tuned for the full recap!!

You’re Cut Off!: JulieJulie

So basically, this is a rich girl version of A&E’s Intervention.

These rich bitches “think” they are being featured in a reality show highlighting their glamorous, extravagant lifestyles.  What they don’t know is that they actually have been set up by their enablers to be cut off and have to make it on their own in front of America.

If anyone remembers Erica, the rich princess from The Bachelor… the season with Prince Lorenzo…. Well yeah, she’s on this show.  And so is this other girl that kind of looks like a “poor” man’s version of Jennifer Aniston.  And a couple other girls who aren’t that cute, therefore are really lucky they’re rich so they can afford fake tans, hair extensions, hair dye, teeth bleaching, liposuction and nose jobs.

They also all have a ton of Louis Vuitton purses.  Listen bitches, I WILL call you out on your brand names.  Louis Vuitton is pedestrian.  EVERYONE has a Lewie these days.  I could go buy a knock off Lewie in the fashion district in ten minutes.  I could go to the Pasadena Flea Market on the first Sunday of the month and buy six “vintage” Lewies.  If you are so rich, then why don’t you have nicer, more luxurious, more RARE possessions???  The ONLY purses I have any respect for are genuine leather purses made in Italy… (or at least made by an Italian man on Ventura Blvd… yes, I did have a leather clutch commissioned).

In another display of how STANDARD they actually are, the ladies are shopping at the Beverly Center (the BEVERLY CENTER??  GROSS!!!) when all their credit cards are declined and the truth is revealed to them: they are cut off.

They pile into a couple of mini vans and head for The Valley, where they will be bunking together in a small ranch style house that’s dripping with Middle Class.

They will have to cook their own meals, clean up after themselves and generally live like the rest of us.  But I wonder if they have a dishwasher?  Or a washer and dryer IN the house?  If so, they are still ahead of me.  Do you think they have central air??  Or new berber carpet and new appliances?  Sorry, I’m apartment hunting.

Inside the house, the drama heats up as Erica brings up the centuries old conflict between Muslims and Jews.

Finally, the life coach comes back to the house and a summit is held.  The girls reveal that it is hard for them to part with all their stuff because it is crap their parents bought for them… and they are REALLY close to their parents.  Life Coach tells them it is time they start making it on their own… otherwise, they will be CUT OFF FOR GOOD.  Uhmmm…. Shouldn’t that be the goal ANYWAY??  To be INDEPENDENT??  If they “succeed” they just get to go back to living on someone else’s dime???  NICE!!!  I will be watching.