Mini caps of Top Chef and America’s Next Top Model
Top Chef: J-Mo
Hey yawl! Ah’m sew jayluss thayat Fuleyeepit got tah recayap the eypisowud weeyuth Pawaluh Deen eein it, ah fayelt lahk ah woanna go deep-frah sum mayanayaze and peeyickles an wraht thiyis enTAHR miyini-cayap eein Suthairn ayacksint but that is already getting really annoying so I’ll stop.
WOW, what can I say about tonight’s episode of Top Chef. I laughed and cried and burped and farted and cried some more and then I was kind of a bitch but not totally, so I guess I was sorta like Sexist Pigshit, because that was his m.o. for the evening.
The QuickFire challenge tonight was almost like the famous Vending Machine challenge of Season Two, the chefs were put on a fairy, I mean a ferry, and stuck in the snack bar and told to make some gourmet shit out of tortilla chips and Cheez Wiz. Unfortunately for BlazeHawk, most snack bars don’t come equipped with liquid nitrogen, so he had to resort to using other chemicals, such as salt and Lemon Pledge. Also, the chefs had to make their dish in the time it takes to go from Brooklyn to Ellis Island. Which, for people like me who have never been to New York City, could mean they had anywhere from six minutes to eleventy-seventeen hours. I need to learn geography better. But I know where Beaumont, Texas is!
Anyhow, after some people made nachos and hot dogs and bun soup and popcorn with DOTS in it, the chefs disembarked at Ellis Island and were handed books containing their genie– genealo– genenelologo– FUCK, their family history. At this point we find out that LowFatSo and Sexist Pigshit are actually RELATED. Dear God, there was a great-great-great-great-great-great-great-gramma LowPigFatShit at some point and now SexPig likes the fact that he’s competing with his cuz. He’s still going to burp and fart at her, but now he does it with love. Also, the chefs each get to see a family member (LowFatSo, SexPig and ChesTiffany get their moms, while BlazeHawk gets his wife and Beaker gets Mr. Hootie Hoo, who just happens to be GOR-JUSS!).
The Elimination Challenge is all about making a dish based on their family history, and the family members are all present at the dining table, so this was a little bit tense. And this is where the episode started spinning out of control and keeping me guessing, right up until the very end. Honestly, this is the first time in many years of watching this show that I was feeling all twisty and uncertain about who was going home and who was going to move on to the Finals (in the BAHAMAS). Check back in a few days for the recap (and just so you guys know… SPOILER ALERT… we discuss the outcome in the upcoming PodGasm). And thanks again for all the birthday wishes, the ‘Gasmii are the bestest!
America’s Next Top Model: P-Baby Walker
Last night on ANTM, we were treated to some house drama as well as a new way to store and marinate barbeque chicken. While it was no where near up to par as ANTM fights past, it will still decent to see Alexandria turn into a hosebeast when she was informed pretty politely by Dalya that it’s fucking disgusting to store raw chicken in a cereal bowl in the communal fridge. Also, Alexandria is fugly.
Which leads me to another point. There are at least 3, if not 4 or 5 girls this cycle who aren’t cute at all. As in, if I brought them over to my house if we were friends, Mama P-Baby would do the mom
thing where she says, “Oh, P-Baby, Sara is such a fun girl but she’s quite homely, isn’t she?” where it sounds like she’s saying something nice but in reality, she just called your friend ugly.
So anyway, raw chicken and ugly girls aside, the models go to this theater with a corny acting coach named Eugene (Eugene? Really?) and he makes them do this horrendously embarrassing exercise where they scream at stick figure drawings. It’s all ridiculous until Ondrei’s
turn berating the sticks.
The photo shoot involves some gnarly makeup, dark lipstick, and a bunch of bees which is a threesome I don’t want to be a part of. Check back in a few days for the full recap and to see who has the fortunate luck of being kicked off before this train wreck really gets