About Last Night: Thursday

Mini caps of American Idol, Top Chef, ANTM, and Real World

American Idol: IceQueen

Last night on American Idol, the top 12 performed songs from the year they were born. This not only gave us a look at embarrassing baby photos and humiliating parents — it also made us feel incredibly old. Because when Thia Megia was born, we were in high school and really jamming to our “This Is How We Do It” tape on our walkman. Not that we bought a “This Is How We Do It” single on tape at Tower Records… we had actually just pressed play and record at just the right time on our boom boxes when V103-FM played “This Is How We Do It.” We forgot to hit pause before the commercial came on, though, so “This Is How We Do It” will forever be associated with the time when gas was 95 cents a gallon at QuickTrip.

“Exotic Flower” Naima is up first. She’s singing Tina Turner’s 1984 classic “What’s Love Got to Do With It?” She’s going to be thinking about her daughters, which is totally appropriate. The judges think her vocals have been consistently pitchy; they’ve been letting her get away with it, but now her vocals need to match her overall performance skills. Basically, they’re like, quit dancing and get your crap together.
Paul was also born in ’84 and he’s going with Elton John’s “That’s Why They Call it the Blues.” He’s got a cold and is more hoarse and whispery than usual. His voice falls apart on the last note and he gives up on it, choosing to go with a “right on!” instead. The judges recognize that performers get colds sometimes, he pushed through, but he’s got to work on his pitchiness. “You define a cool dude in a loose mood,” gypsy woman Steven Tyler adds mysteriously.

Thia’s singing “Colors of the Wind” from the Disney film “Pocahontas.” Wow. Why was that even on their list of songs to choose from? Why did Jimmy Iovine not stop this madness?! The song is, predictably, a flop and the judges say it was boring and pageant-like.

James Durbin was born in 1989 and will be singing Bon Jovi’s “I’ll Be There for You.” He starts off a little shaky, but ends up giving a pretty great performance. He seems really comfortable on stage and connecting with the audience. The judges found it a little pitchy, but overall they liked it. James gets Steven to commit to a performance later in the season, and Steven gets someone in the control room to hit the bleep button when he cusses in excitement.

Haley was born in 1990 and is singing Whitney Houston’s “I’m Your Baby Tonight.” As Randy always says, the trouble with singing someone like Whitney is that the contestants are just going to sound weak in comparison. Her performance is awkward, stiff, and by the time it ends, she’s got red lipstick all over her face. The judges are confused about what kind of artist Haley’s going to be. Ryan licks her face clean, savoring the taste of her lipstick.

Stefano was born in 1989 and claims that there weren’t a lot of good songs written that year. He’s going with “If You Don’t Know Me by Now,” a Simply Red song that was actually performed in the 1970s and again in the early 80s. Weak sauce. The judges say it’s the performance of the night but he needs to open his eyes and look at the audience once in awhile.

Pia is singing Whitney’s “Where Do Broken Hearts Go” from 1988. Rodney Jerkins has remixed it for her to make it more upbeat and the judges love it and call her perfect.

Scotty was born in 1993 and will be singing Travis Tritt’s “Can I Trust You with My Heart?” He sounds good, as usual, but I think he needs to remain a radio presence until he fills out a little. Children with deep voices singing romantic songs – not hot. The judges loved it and encourage him to push his boundaries a bit.

Karen was born in 1989 and is singing “Love Will Lead You Back” by Taylor Day. She is dressed like Lt. Uhura and growls her way through the song, switching to Spanish partway through. The judges say it started out a bit rough but it ended up better than last week’s. They encourage her to stay away from notes she can’t hit.

Casey was born in 1991 and is doing Nirvana’s “Smells Like Teen Spirit.” It’s the first time a Nirvana song has been done on Idol. He plays the guitar, grits his teeth, opens his eyes wide and really screams. The judges applaud him for taking risks but say rather than having Kurt Cobain’s intensity, Casey mostly just screamed and grimaced.

Lauren has the flu and must be on some serious medication because she is all sorts of loopy as she prepares to sing Melissa Ethridge’s 1994 hit “I’m the Only One.” The Dayquil is working for her though because she sounds great by the end of the song. The judges loved it and encourage her to do more drugs.

Finally, Jacob was born in 1987 and is going to put his “Lusky Stank” on Heart’s “Alone.” I’m always on the fence about his performances. Some parts of the song sound good, some parts are painful, and the judges always love him.

So those are the top 12 performances. Who do we think will get kicked off tonight? I think Naima, Thia, Haley and Casey might be in danger… Also, what would you like to put some Lusky Stank on?

Top Chef: J-Mo

Hey folks, I have a new acronym to describe the All Star Season of Top Chef… L.A.B.S. (a.k.a. Life After Beaker Sucks). No more kooky sayings, no more bug-eyed faces, no more spirit-guide antics from Ronda and Juanita, and worst of all, no wacky-yet-brilliant dishes winning Carla trips to exotic locations. I’ve never been so happy to hear someone ELSE get sent on vacation.

BUT, as much as I hate to say it, there IS life after Beaker… it just sucks. However, tonight’s episode of Top Chef has some interesting (and disgusting) events in it. To begin with, the QuickFire Challenge actually takes place IN A REAL KITCHEN! With, like, stoves and ovens and knives and sinks and electricity and everything. TOO BAD THEY COULDN’T HAVE HAD THAT SHIT LAST WEEK AND WE MIGHT STILL HAVE BEAKER WITH US NOW. *sigh* L.A.B.S. Anyhow, the chefs are told to pair up (which ends up being boys vs. girls, because DUH, SexPig won’t cook with an inferior chef that does not have the right equipment for making awesome food… i.e., a penis). Then they are handed a hundred plates and told that they need to make a hundred portions of a dish that are exactly the same. PLEASE, I was doing that when I was eighteen years old, and they were called “Big Macs”! Still, both teams give it a good shot, even though BlazeHawk and Pigshit spend a lot of time looking down their noses at LowFatSo and ChesTiffany’s non-manly dish. The outcome is… going to be revealed in the full recap.

Then we come to the Elimination Challenge, and this time it’s to make lunch for a VERY high-class group of people (no, really, this time they MEAN it, it does NOT wind up with them working at a soup kitchen for beach bums). Also, they have to use conch in their dish, and the only way they can get it is to harvest it from the ocean themselves! This is where the disgusting part of the show comes in, because we have to see (you guessed it) SexPig sans shirt… L.A.B.S.

You know, I normally enjoy a nice pair of man-boobs secretly (while many other gay men are gagging at the sight, I’m usually quietly nursing a boner) but Pigshit’s pair did ZILCH for me (kinda like with JerseyMoobs, when they are attached to an asshat, the sexyfactor is gone). Making up for that is watching BlazeHawk flailing about in the ocean trying to get to the sandy bottom in order to pick up the slippery conch shells.

Unfortunately, we’re back to working in a ShitKitch sitch (AGAIN!) this time out on a beach with nothing but wood-burning grills as a heat source… and zillions of evil grains of sand just WAITING for the chance to make their way into a dish and gag someone. BlazeHawk is PISSED (and literally bemoans the fact that there is no liquid nitrogen available) so he falls back on his OTHER trick, namely Making Food Look Like Something But Be Made Out Of Something Else Such As That Time He Made Banana Scallops That Weren’t Really Scallops Because They Were Made Out Of Bananas. I would love to have the chance to hand him a dried cat turd and tell him it’s a Tootsie Roll, wouldn’t that be fun? Hey, I gotta do SOMETHING to get some giggles because…. L.A.B.S.

LowFatSo and ChesTiffany seem to have lost their cases of nerves and are actually working pretty well in this challenge (except for the normal troubles that you would encounter working with a wood-fired open grill, troubles that are often compounded by the approach of a tropical storm) and as for Sexist Pigshit, well, he does what he does best: talk shit about everybody and brag about how he’s kicking everyone’s asses since he kicked Li’l Volt’s ass last week. I would love to see SexPig and Beaker open side-by-side restaurants in D.C. and see who is still in business after six months. OK, prolly neither because running a restaurant sucks in this awful economy (we’ll all be eating ramen until 2014 if things don’t start to get better soon) but I bet there’d be less bomb threats at Beaker’s place. The outcome is kind of a sweet and sour mixture, and some of you will be happy, and others will be upset, but we’re all in for a helluva Finale… even if we DO have to deal with L.A.B.S. Check back in a few days for the full recap!

Real World: VirginiaApple

Last night’s episode started out with Adam getting blackout wasted and, after smashing a bottle and other assorted obnoxiousness, escorted up to their suite by security. The next day, he can’t remember anything (shocking, I know) but repeatedly assures his increasingly concerned roommates that “this is Vegas, they’ve seen it all.” He ignores their pleas for him to apologize to the hotel for his actions. Wow, I’m not sure I’ve ever seen so many Real Worlders being so respectful of property at the same time. It doesn’t matter, though, because Adam still thinks it’s just another night.

Since this is PR for Vegas and the Hard Rock, security finally comes up to get Adam and lecture him about his rude and potentially dangerous behavior. He gives them their forced apology and spends the rest of the episode using his bad boy attitude to seduce Nani. It’s totally working, BTW. Idiot tell her boyfriend that it “sucks” that she can’t do anything because of their relationship. I’m starting to feel bad for the boyfriend, maybe he’ll dump her. Of course, that will just free her up to go for Adam. He’s still playing the game well, continuously telling Nani how shy and insecure he is while telling us that he’s going to get her at some point this season. He’s probably right, so let’s just embrace the drama now.

And we go straight from college drama to middle school drama, as a harmless game of freaking Truth or Dare somehow leads to a meltdown. You may recall that there was an attraction between Dustin and Teacup. They continue to snuggle and make out and bumpngrind. Dustin tells Reverend Awkward (who is growing on me, thankfully) that he really likes her, and through what may be their first actual conversation we learn that they are both “relationship people.” During Truth or Dare (while Dustin is napping elsewhere), there is a bunch of silliness and there are many kisses between the roommates. When Roy Lee dares Reverend Awkward to kiss Teacup, RA is very against it because he doesn’t want to upset Dustin. However, Teacup finally just plants one on him. Roy Lee immediately tells Dustin and apologizes. Dustin sulks and pouts for God knows how long before telling various roommates how “betrayed” he feels. RA AWESOMELY comes in to defend himself against this ridiculousness. Seriously, I am liking this kid more and more, while Dustin reminded me of Hair. That is sad… If he starts fondling ears, I am out of here.

Come back tomorrow for the full recap, with more on all of this insanity!

America’s Next Top Model: P-Baby Walker

Last night on America’s Next Top Model, Alexandria vowed to be less of a bitch, followed shortly afterwards her mocking of Sara’s desires to stay in school and not necessarily drop her entire life and family for modeling. Glad at least one of these ladies has her manly head screwed on straight. Sara 1, Alexandria 0.

The runway challenge involves the ladies being dressed in clothes designed by the same crackhead that designs Lady Gaga’s Egg Vessels whilst walking down a runway set on fire. Oh, and their hands are also going to be on fire. SERIOUSLY BANKS?? Have you not had enough lawsuits in your lifetime? Fire’s not even cool anymore since David Copperfield’s been too busy sexually assaulting women in the Bahamas and not being engaged to Claudia Schiffer. I’m not sure what’s more of an abomination in this country. Tyra Banks as a Harvard student or David Copperfield banging Claudia Schiffer (yes I know this is circa mid-90′s, but some puzzles are never solved.) You decide.

The main challenge involves “acting” for a fake Mad Men-esque commercial about coffee and memorizing lines so we already know Monique is not going to get best performance based on sheer mental capacity alone. Also, it took this stupid show 28 minutes to bring out the only good thing ANTM has brought me in two cycles of recapping, sex pot photographer Francesco Carrozzini. At the commercial, Alexandria is a controlling psycho during her entire shoot
and Molly could be Betty Draper’s long lost slutty half-sister, which is a plot I’d totally love to make happen. How are these women not trying to give Francesco BJs in the bathroom? Whatever. Check back in a few days for the full recap and to see who’s off seeking an education/lover/food source.